Rejection tastes like shit.

After a few days of internet-free time to clear my head, here I am.
Friday came and brought with it disappointment, rejection, a lot of tears, and wine to follow.
I did not get matched which means no internship for me.
As I said before, there is a Phase II (with horrible odds) so all is not lost just yet.

What is so god damn frustrating though is that now I sit here, continuing to wait.
Waiting. I have to go through the application process all over again, building a site list, updating essays, writing cover letters, applying, waiting, hoping for interviews, followed by more waiting. It honestly feels like I just cannot catch a freaking break (really wanted to drop an F bomb there). It is just so frustrating, watching SO many of my classmates going through the same motions as me with success each and every time. I'm sure they've experienced rejection along the way somewhere (I mean, they're human so it must happen some times) but from where I sit, I see them getting placements year after year and these being their top choices meanwhile I'm getting rejections, second rounds, more rejections over and over. It is incredibly difficult not to compare yourself either. These people have been along side you for 4 years now, taking the same classes as you, applying for the same positions as you, and succeeding where you fail. It's gut wrenching.
What hurts worse is when they're announcing to the world (yes, FB is "the world") about how they got an internship they say things like "hard work pays off, I got the internship!" and I'm sitting here thinking "but what about my hard work? it doesn't seem to be paying off at all" as if to say I haven't worked just as hard as all the others out there. Obviously, they are being ego-centric and not thinking of me when they say that (and I suppose I too am being ego-centric taking their statement that is clearly meant for themselves and applying it to myself) but it still hurts.

There's a song out on the radio, I'm not sure who sings it because I am not up-to-date on that sort of thing but the chorus rings out "How and I gunna be an optimist about this?" and that is exactly the question I'm asking myself right now. This persistent "realist" also known as a pessimist was actually optimistic for once about this internship thing, and I feel like it blew up in my pretty little face. How am I going to be optimistic about this? How can I look these odds in the face after such a disheartening blow to the ego/soul/heart and move forward with my head up and my mind clear?

I did not go on Facebook for a few days because I knew I could not handle seeing people's statuses about how they got matched or where they were going to internship next year. Instead I studied the list of sites available in Phase II, contacted my advisors, updated my essays, and began tackling my cover letters. Pushing forward is all I could do (I mean this was after lots of crying and sulking, mind you). I decided it was time to face the music today and signed on to face what was waiting on my news feed. Tons of congratulations and sentiments of joy about internships, they were unavoidable.

Last night J and I watched a new movie that we came across, Dallas Buyer's Club. It's a movie about a man with HIV in the 80's and his quest to find effective treatment (and fighting the FDA the whole way). I looked into the truth behind the story and came to find out that this movie has been one they've been trying to make for almost 20 years. Due to funding issues, the difficult subject matter, etc things kept falling through. I read somewhere that it was rejected 87 times before going into production. 87 times! That is a whole lot of rejection, and yet they continued on and made it happen. Not only did they make it happen, it was a wonderfully moving and tragically beautiful movie.
It got me thinking about how much rejection some people have to endure, and yet they figure it out, they push forward, they are eventually successful. Although with how much rejection I've already endured the thought of that much more just seems unbearable for my well being.

Rejection. How am I going to be an optimist about this?

Week 51: Dec 16th-22nd= More home time goodness

Since I was home, I am slacking on the updates. I credit that to just enjoying my time home too much. But, today I am back and it was back to work for me so before the new year begins... I am finishing up my last year's resolution tonight!

1. I went to the movies with my sister. We went to see Delivery Man, I love me some Vince Vaughn and popcorn.

2. Had pizza and drinks at my other sister's house and my dad and his wife stopped by.

3. Baked Christmas cookies with my god daughters and best friend and watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas (original, cartoon version..my fave!)

4. Christmas shopping with my sister and J in Portland

5. Went to the movies with a couple of friends. Saw Anchorman 2, which was absolutely hilarious!

Week 47: Nov 18th-24th=self care at its best (and worst!)

Got another rejection today. This time, from a site in Alabama. I am less attached to the idea of this site, although the irony is that I had it listed as one of my "safe sites" as in, I thought I had the best chances of getting an interview for that one. Hmph. Whoops.

My 5 things:

1. I went to the gym 3 times: 1st time was a session with a personal trainer. He had me doing stair runs and my IT band got really angry with me about that. I also did yoga and tried spinning for the first (and quite likely LAST) time. Holy hell, I seriously almost didn't make it out of there alive.

2. I turned in all my applications so they're all completed. I even turned in a few early that don't have due dates until the end of the month.... all that just in time to get more rejections. (being a negative Nancy some how makes it easier, I guess).

3. J and I watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation :) Man, I absolutely love Christmas. 

4. I met up with some of my friends for beer and good eats to catch up down in the south bay. It was totally worth the 45 mile drive for me. I haven't seen some of those girls in months.

5. Last night I accepted an invite to a random club in Oakland to see a band called Vagabondage with a girl from my program whom I've never actually hung out with one on one. It turned out to be a really great time and the other bands that played were awesome as well. 

Week 39: Sept 23rd-29th- Dissertation Proposal Defense=SUCCESS!!!

First off, let me start by saying: I SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDED MY DISSERTATION PROPOSAL!!  I passed! it was approved!!
Granted, I have a laundry list of changes that need to be made including but not limited to changing my entire data analysis section and rewriting/reorganizing my entire literature review.
BUT IT WAS A SUCCESS!!! Regardless of how much I need to do based on it, it is no longer standing in my way of applying to internship!!

My 5 things:

1. I left practicum early Thursday,  I decided I needed some extra time to clear my mind and decompress before the big day (I defended my dissertation proposal on Friday morning)

2. Baked some pumpkin Nutella swirl cookies in an attempt to distract myself from the anxiety overload on Thursday night.

3. I SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDED MY DISSERTATION PROPOSAL!! Ok, ok, I know I already said that...but it deserves repeating...and making the list!

4. J and I went to dinner Firday night to celebrate. We decided to try out a new place in Oakland, I voted for Italian...mostly just because I wanted to free bread you get ASAP ;)

5. J and I also treated ourselves to a movie Sunday evening. SCORE because it was $5 movie day at the theater in downtown Oakland. We saw the movie Prisoners...which was AMAZING!! Such an awesome suspense-thriller-mystery with an incredible cast. We had never even heard of the movie, just decided to treat ourselves and looked at what was playing. When we left the theater J said "Now, that is worth owning".

Week 26: June 24th-30th- Rejection is my middle name

Friday I received an email stating "it does not appear that you are adequately competitive to match at an APA site this year." Which means my intent to apply application for internship was REJECTED and I quickly boarded the train to Bummertown, USA.
This meant that  I would have to wait another year before even applying to internship. My mind began racing with all the things I would be missing out on and how that would mean I'd be gone away from my family for nearly a decade before I was able to return and my heart just completely sank.
After wallowing in self pity for a bit, I decided to take them up on their offer of an appeal. I waited until my brain had some time to cool down (that nice hour long commute from my practicum with no AC and 100 degrees did the trick). I sat down and put into words why I thought I deserved to be able to apply on time. I was informed after I sent in my appeal that the committee would be reviewing my appeal August 12th. AUGUST?! I'd have to wait another month and a half to know my fate? That seemed so cruel and unfair. I pouted a bit more, vented, cried and then went about my weekend.
Much to my surprise, I received an email today with the following opener: "On the basis of your appeal, the Application Review Committee agrees that you should be assigned an FIA and can proceed with your internship applications."
HOT DAMN! Apparently I made a convincing enough argument (and they happened to review it) and they overturned the original decision and are now allowing me to apply. I'm not sure what I said that changed their minds, but I am so very thankful it worked!
Technically, there is no guarantee that I will be able to apply, my application materials still need to have the final OK by the director of clinical training but even still...at least I'm not allowed to try. 
I'm actually kind of proud of myself. That I was able to do something about the shitty hand I was dealt, that I was able to effectively communicate my thoughts enough to persuade a committee to overturn my initial rejection status they had given me, and that I was able to do so in a mature manner (because trust me, the things I wanted to put into that appeal letter, while true, would not have won me any brownie points).
Gold star for taking the high road and getting results! (and so quickly too!)

My 5 things:

1. Went running once. It was a difficult run for me for some reason, but I ran into these lovely beings and it totally made my day.

2. Went on a 7 (and some change) mile bike ride. It's been scorching hot in the bay and I really wanted to be in the sun. It was J's idea for a ride. I was originally planning on laying on the beach. I suppose his plan was better (healthier). It was an awesome ride right on the bay so the breeze felt wonderful in that 90+ heat. 

3. While on said bike ride, we were able to stop and take a gander at some birds. The bike trail was on a wildlife refuge so there was prime sightings of some beautiful birds. Binoculars and all, we were total bird nerds. 

4. In order to escape out house, we went out and got sushi and a beer in Alameda. Afterwards we took a walk down Park Street in order to enjoy the warm evening (and avoid the sauna we live in). It was really nice just to "stroll" with J and peak into windows of little shops. 

5. On Sunday after our bike ride, it was still entirely too hot to handle the inside of our house. We decided to head to the movies, not caring what we saw, just to enjoy the air conditioned building. We chose to see This is the End, despite a mediocre trailer because it was the one J seemed the least bummed about. Little did I realize I would be laughing hysterically the entire time. Holy Moly, those guys are just TOO FUNNY!! I mean, I always enjoy those guys and think they're super comical, but the trailer just bummed me out and I couldn't imagine how it would be that funny. They proved me wrong and I had a blast beating the heat.

Week 23: June 3rd-9th 2013 No more pencil, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks!

Oy! I almost forgot to post today!
I cannot have 2 weeks in a row where I'm late, that is just bad form.
So this past week something somewhat monumental occurred. I attended my last class ever in my graduate career. Apparently, I've learned everything I can in the classroom, and now it's just working in the field and on my dissertation. Crazy. Speaking of...I'm supposed to have my 1st draft of my proposal by this Friday. I'm at about 17 of the 50 pages I need. This should be an interesting week. 

My 5 things:

1. I baked cookies in celebration of my last day of class. It was all I could do to stay sane knowing I had a 60 minute group presentation and a 15 minute individual presentation looming the following day. I really know how to go out with a bang...my last class ever was spent in front of the class for about half the 3 hour class.

2. After I attended my last official class of my graduate career, I went over to to Chevy's (which is across the street from my school's clinic campus) with some girls from my program to celebrate. I only had an hour to spare as I needed to be in research group at 5pm and class got out at 3:50pm. Just enough time to enjoy a happy hour margarita, shoot the shit with some friends and load up on chips and salsa.

3. J and I took our free movie ticket and went to see a movie Saturday night. only having to pay for 1 ticket feels like it's a treat ;) I'd been wanting to go see The Great Gatsby, but since we'd been dragging our feet to get to the theater for weeks, it was no longer playing at the Regal's by our house. Instead, we went to see The Internship. That is how much I love J (well, and Vince Vaughn). The fact that I was willing to sit through 2 hours of my arch nemesis (and PAY to do so!!) tells you how much I love them. I absolutely despise Owen Wilson. I cannot stand the way he talks, his facr, his mouth, his voice... hell I never saw the movie Cars...just because he did the voice for the animated movie! That is how much I despise him. I usually boycott his movies, but will admit.. when Vince Vaughn is in them... I make an exception.  The good news is: the movie was good enough that I could almost tolerate his bleached-butt-hole-looking lips and that annoying voice. Plus, I love popcorn.

4. I called my sister who I hadn't talked to in awhile and had a really great talk. J referred to us as "2 hens in a hen house...cackling away". It's rare enough to find a friend like that, and even more so to share 50% of your DNA with them. I hate that I'm so far away, but when she and I are able to have a talk like that where we just really get each other, and can laugh, and relate... it feels like I'm right there with her.

5. I tried my hardest to sleep in on the weekend. I think I made it until about 8am...and that was pushing it. 

Week 20: May 14th-19th 2013. The waiting is over.

My 5 things:

1. Went running. Only once, it was a post-Vegas run over the weekend and it was necessary. My running was on a role there. I do believe that was positively correlated with my stress level leading up to Orals. Then Vegas happened. So, it is just a matter of getting back to 3 times a week. I'm happy with 3 times a week.
   
   
2. I actually let myself take a nap. That is rare in recent years, and I usually try to fight the urge but I was just exhausted and I allowed myself to sleep, despite not having been as productive as I'd wanted to. Turns out I was able to wake up from the nap and give my kitchen a much needed cleaning, as well as the floors in the house. So it was definitely worth it. 
   
   
3. I made the decision to stay here. J had a business trip up north Thursday-Sunday. I wanted to go, to be able to see family, to accompany him on the road but I knew I had so much work piling up and that I really couldn't afford to take more time off with all these deadlines looming. Instead, I stayed here and holed myself up at home. Aside from going to work on Friday, I didn't leave the house. I was able to get wquite a bit of school work/dissertation and research stuff done.
   
   
4. Watched tons of silly movies/TV that I would never subject J to out of respect for his manhood. I'm talking dramas, romantic comedy, and amultiple episodes of an ABC family TV show. Bad stuff (but oh-so-good in that horrible way)
   
   
5. In my Women's Group that I co-lead I utilized a new technique I've never done before, that is out of my usual realm of practices. I did a spin off of Gestalt's "empty chair" technique. It actually ended up being pretty effective, although not all patients participated to the fullest..which is expected in a group. Either way, I was proud of myself for reaching outside of my usual bag of tricks for last week's group.

After a weekend of consistently checking and rechecking my email for a message from my latest interview and watching as my phone didn't ring, Monday arrived and I was beginning to lose hope. "By the end of the week" she said. The interview took place on Thursday, so I assumed that meant Friday. When Friday came and went with nothing I assumed that perhaps meant some time over the weekend, surely by Sunday (that is, in fact, the end of the week). Sunday then came and went and Monday had arrived with not even a peep. Thankfully J came come after a weekend up north late Sunday evening so my attention was focused mostly on him. Monday morning I got up much earlier than him, had my coffee and read some research articles for my Forensics class. After a hearty breakfast of banana-oatmeal pancakes and strawberries and a silent phone, I spent the rest the morning catching up with J and hearing about his trip before he had to head to work. I checked my phone and out of no where, I had somehow missed a call and had a voicemail waiting. It was her, calling to offer me a practicum placement. FINALLY! After over a month of my hopes being hurled around on an emotional roller coaster of rejection I have a place that actually thinks I'm good enough. What a relief.

It's not what I want to be doing, it still working in substance abuse...so it's actually really a killer to my future career hopes of being in Forensics field...or really any field outside of substance use. It's a residential setting for women and children (the women are in recovery). So, it's going to be an estrogen party for me on a daily basis. Oy! That's going to take some getting used to, especially since currently most my clients are male, my supervisor is male, and my clinic director is male. Soon I'll be surrounded by vaginas galore with little testosterone in sight. Should be... interesting.
 Choosing this site has closed a LOT of doors I am really not ready to close. It's actually going beyond closing them, it is flat out nailing the door shut with an extra large padlock and chains. That is going to take some mourning. I mean I can fight and fight until I'm blue in the face, but in the end I needed to make a decision: to hold onto an idea that had me drowning by myself in this ocean that was my dream , or to latch onto a lifeboat that would sail me away from that ocean and onto land where, although the safety is comforting, it won't ever make me feel the way that ocean did.

I suppose that's a common theme in life. Keep drowning for the possibility of something likely unattainable or get to safety and miss out on whatever it was I was risking my life for. The trouble is...knowing when to grab on or when to keep struggling.

Week 12: March 18th-24th...and I'm still waiting

I'm getting quite good at this waiting game.I did have my interview this week, and I think it went fairly. The site seems awesome and I think I'd get a lot of good experience but due to the politics involved in this practicum/internship/grad school ish... I don't think it will give me the hours I need, and I wasn't exactly qualified for the work. So I'm not betting on getting a placement.  Still no word from any of the other 4 sites that haven't contacted me yet. Judging by the timeline, I think it's fairly clear I'll be a member of Clearing House this year (where those who don't get placed get to...start over and apply to new sites). I think if I just come to terms with that now, it won't be such a disappointment when Notification Day comes and my phone never rings.


My 5 things:

1. I had a long conversation with my mom about some events of our past that my family chose to sweep under the rug, and even after everything else came out, these incidents were never explained to me. Through asking questions, I actually learned a lot about my mom and about her childhood that I also never knew. This was actually one of the most honest conversations I've ever had with my mom in my entire life. It amazes me to hear the things my mother has endured in her life and reaffirms my belief that she is by far, one of the strongest women I have ever known.

2. I took some time out to write. I started writing my story some time ago, but have been somewhat avoidant of it due to the nature of the writing and the level of honesty I have to have with myself when I write. I know that someday, my story won't just be a file saved in a folder, I know that it is destined for more than that, but it is going to be a long process. I'll get there, I know I will. Each time I allow myself to open up and write I get that much closer.

3. I did Yoga twice this week. I wish I had time to do it more, well actually, I'm sure I could make time to do it more. So really, I wish I would make more time for it in my life but twice a week is better than nothing.

4. I watched the sunset and did some evening birdwatching over in Alameda alone. It was so beautiful out and there were tons of birds to be seen. I went a little late and didn't have much sunlight left, but it was a nice quiet time to myself. I'd like for J to join me next time.

View of SF from Alameda

5. Went to the movies with J on Friday night. We went to see the very silly movie, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. It was as expected, over-the-top ridiculous, a little gross, and very slapstick but what else would come from that combination of actors? J was less impressed but I went in expecting pretty much what I got out of it so I was satisfied. But daaaammnnn movies are expensive. $11.50 each per ticket. We need to remember that matinee is the way to go.

Week 11: March 11th-17th... What is running, again?

This last week was full of ups and downs. Practicum applications have been in for awhile now and I hadn't heard anything from any site. I'd asked around a bit and it sounded like most people were in the same boat as me, no one had really heard anything with the exception of a few people. Wednesday I got a rejection email from one of my tops sites, Thursday I got an interview offer from my last choice site, and Friday I got a rejection from my number 1 choice site. I am very thankful I've been offered at least one interview. I am still waiting to hear back from 4 sites. The waiting game continues.

1. This week I went into my practicum an extra day that I did not have to. I am really striving to get more face-to-face hours (because those are what really count for internship) and that is difficult to do with a population that is notorious for avoidant behaviors. So I took action and discussed options with my site and decided that I would start going in on occasional Mondays (instead of having my glorious work from home/take care of the house Monday's I've grown to love) I only did a half day, so I didn't have to wake up at an ungodly hour (well, depending on who you're talking to, because I got to wake up at 6am instead of 4am, so to me that was lovely, but to others probably seems atrocious). By the time Friday rolled around, where the majority of my clients canceled or didn't even show up, I was grateful I had put in some extra time earlier in the week so it wasn't a total wash.

2. J and I decided, somewhat out of the blue, that we'd go to a matinee movie and see The Great and Powerful Oz at the Alameda theater. The theater itself was awesome, it's been fully restored to its original condition and has a very old-style feel to it. Bonus was, the movie was cheaper because it was matinee price. I know the movie itself has received a lot of bad reviews because the CGI is not up to par, and this, and that, and whatever but I guess I'm just easy to please. I thought it was delightful, colorful, and entertaining. People are just too damn critical sometimes.

3. Friday night, after some painful rejection emails from my top practicum sites, and a day full of canceling clients, J and I decided to go out for burgers and beers. It was really nice to be out with him, enjoying each others company and while I was enjoying some Blue Moons :)

4. Saturday, although we were all for being lazy and staying in, we decided to get out and enjoy the nice weather. We went to San Francisco with our friend Ray and just walked around, and checked out various shops and places and got lunch. Living so close to such an awesome city, it's really unfortunate we don't make more time to go there.

5. Sunday I went running for the first time in....honestly I don't even remember when the last time was. Yeah, running, remember that? Me either!.... I just checked my MapMyRun app and it was November 12th 2012. Holy hell that's a long time. I mean, I've gone hiking, and biking, and some walking, but I haven't attempted to run since November? It's worse than I thought. I guess that makes much more sense now why I've been feeling the way I have. Lately, whenever I see people running (which is a LOT, by the way, I swear everyone in the bay area is a runner!) I get this aching pain of envy.
When I used to see people run, before I started trying to, I used to use the phrase "Crazy bitches that run". I never understood it, couldn't even fathom it, therefore I rejected the idea completely. Once I got the insane idea to try and become one of those crazy bitches that run, my outlook changed and I began to see them more as equals as though there was an unspoken understanding because now I finally understood too.
 After my injury I felt a lot of sadness when I'd see people running. That sadness turned to anger and frustration which is why I basically silently swore it off and gave up (back in November). Fast forward to now. There's still sadness, some anger, and a fair amount of frustration but mostly it's just envy.
Fueled by this envy,  I decided that my knee isn't going to stand in my way anymore. I did what I was supposed to, followed the doctor's orders, I've tried other activities to strengthen my body, and now I'm just impatient and annoyed and don't want to keep having all these excuses keep me from doing it. I know I need to take it easy, I know I can't push my knee too hard, but damn if I'm going to sit around any longer. I will do whatever it is I'm capable of doing and as of now, that's enough for me. So when I see runners, I don't have to feel envious that they're out there and I'm not. I can be content with the fact that I was out there just the other day (not back in November).

Week 3: Jan 21st-27th.... and SUCCESSES!

This Monday's been a little different as J didn't go into the woodshop as per usual and stayed home instead. There was definitely a pull away from work-related responsibilities and a later start than usual but I still managed to work out this morning, get a lot of work accomplished for school/dissertation and dinner for tomorrow night in the crock-pot (although tonight's dinner is still semi-undecided as of yet, but it's not yet 5pm).
Although, I am writing here later than I'd planned and also forgot to do it, but am fitting it in just before I allow myself the pleasure of time with J on the couch.

As for this past week's list of 5 things:

1. I had a really good conversation with my mom on the phone. I'm finally at the point in life where I've come to terms with the fact that my mother is but a mere mortal who has made mistakes and done things wrong in life and I've forgiven her for not being the super-hero subhuman I once expected her to be. We're finally at a point where we are able to connect, as friends. Being able to have these conversations with her where I know we're both being real, where I'm not worried about "what my mom will think" or about her "overreacting", where I'm treating her like an equal and not above or below me is really something special. Not every woman gets to this point with their mother, and not everyone has a mother such as mine that this type of relationship is even possible. I know I'm very lucky.

2. J had never seen any of the Harry Potter movies (can you believe it!?!?) and me being the fanatic that I am about them, was thrilled when he expressed a willingness (or more so just did not completely object to) the idea of watching all 8 of the movies with me. We started the series this weekend and actually got through movies 1-4 in the past week. I love being able to indulge in something that I'm so enthralled with and even more so, to be able to share it with someone I love and have them actually enjoying it too!

3. Got a pedicure yesterday. It was actually a treat for J's birthday, but I of course reap the benefits as well :) So relaxing!

4. I tried a new recipe last night for J's birthday dinner. Stromboli, his favorite. I've never attempted it and ended up free stylin' the recipe to suit what I had on hand and my preferences and it ended up a HUGE success! It's hard to surprise him with a "home cooked dinner" or special "birthday dessert" since he gets home cooked meals almost every night of the week. This recipe showed me that I've still got lots of successes up my sleeve.

5. I made a goal for myself for my work on my dissertation to read 10 articles per week. Ok, so it wasn't so much a personal goal as my research adviser told me "You should be reading 10-15 articles per week" and I was like "Say whaaaaaaaa?!?!?!? That's impossible!" So after some sulking and anger about that fact, I decided it just needed to get done. So I started out reading at least 1 article per day (some days 2) in order to meet the goal(ahem...requirement) of at least 10 articles per week. And low and behold, I am accomplishing it!

Oh and one more thing. Last Wednesday, after almost a week of the painful waiting and watching other people bask in the APA glory I got the notification that I got accepted!!! I am going to APA in Hawaii in August to present a poster! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! This goal I set out when I first began graduate school in 2010 has become a REALITY!! :D
I don't know how on earth I'll pay for it, but we'll worry about that later. For now, I'm allowing myself to just be proud of my accomplishment :)

Christmas #1

Only 4 more days until we're homeward bound for the holidays.
My boyfriend and I decided that since we're traveling for the holidays, it didn't make much sense to pack our presents to each other in our suitcases and lug them 700 miles to open them up, only to pack them back up and return with them (little did I realize my gift wouldn't have fit in his suitcase anyway!) We decided to do our own little mini Christmas here with each other before we head up to the PNW for the actual holidays.
So Saturday, the 15th we had our own little Christmas holiday. We opened presents in our pajamas, played our new game of Monopoly (one of my gifts to him) and watched Home Alone 1,2 & 3...(although I tried to warn him that the 3rd one wasn't worth watching). We also watched my absolute most favorite Christmas movie, the original cartoon version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
In between our movie marathon and game playing we went to Christmas Tree Lane, in Alameda.

 Armed with layers of warmth and a thermos of homemade hot chocolate we walked up and down the street filled with Christmas lights, music, people, and holiday cheer!
J had never been to any place like this that he could remember so it was fun to be able to do something like this together. Plus, I'm game for any and everything Christmas related!
So lets get back to these presents I was talking about. We opened the ones that were wrapped. J told me that one of my gifts would be arriving in the mail in a few days, so I only had 1 to open. The one I did open was the awesome singing bird clock I wanted that sings a different bird song each hour, on the hour. I wanted to hear the clock and we needed batteries for it to work. J said "I think maybe there are some in the office" so I went in search of batteries. I walk into the office and SURPRISE! A shiny red bicycle appears!

J had of course tricked me saying my other gift was "in the mail" and had this beauty stashed down in the garage (which is his man-cave woodshop and I never go down there). Tricky man he is. This gift was a group effort made possible by J, his dad, my mom, and my brother-in-law.
This gift is in part because J wants me to ride with him, but also because of my knee injury and my difficulties with running, they all wanted me to have a way to exercise without doing more damage to my knee. Although I don't want to give up running, this is quite a lovely way to get outside as well :)
So today, despite a forecast for rain... we were determined to ride.

My first bike ride in over a year and my very first time on a road bike. 10 miles later and my butt is sore, my legs feel a bit like jello, and my knee is well aware it was used today. It sure felt great to be outside, riding with J. Him being such an avid rider, I've definitely wanted to get a bike and be able to share his love for them. Granted, I am not anywhere near up to his level, nor will I ever be...but it was still nice to ride along side him for awhile :)

After all of this, it feels like Christmas is over. Then I remember that in 4 days, we get to board a plane and see all our loved ones up north and begin the actual, crazy, huge, loud, fun, amazing Christmas festivities awaiting us up there!

Paranormal Activity

Why is it that we as people love to scare the bejesus out of ourselves?!

I can't even remove myself from that category since last night I willingly watched Paranormal Activity 2 at a friends and then went to the theaters to watch Paranormal Activity 3 at 10:30 at night.
What is it about scary movies that has us so intrigued?  Enough to endure the aftermath of having to return home at 3am to my empty apartment and then attempt to sleep?
I went with a group of my guy friends, so of course they all made endless jokes about me jumping at every movement and my continual outbursts of "Jesus!" "Oh!" and other various squeals and noises that did not actually amount to words.
I kept telling myself that my 10 year old nephew went and saw this in theaters. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to.
But my 10 year old nephew is not a young female, living alone in an apartment with paper thin walls where you can hear your neighbors peeing or phone vibrating making for a lot of unaccounted for noise.
Ok, so technically I don't live alone, as I have a roommate, who comes home about once a month to pay bills and then returns to "staying" at her boyfriend's. But technicality aside, I live alone.
Regardless, somehow mass amounts of people, willingly pay to feel like this:

And even though I was one of the many partaking last night, I still can't tell you why. I don't even like scary movies.

I don't Know How She Does it.

I've got a soft spot for Sarah Jessica Parker. I have always adored her, and my late-onset-obsession with Sex and the City (I'd never seen an episode until my mom bought me the series for my birthday in '07, when it had been off the air for about 3 years by then) only further solidified my love for her.
So when I saw the preview for her new movie, I was all for it.

Not to mention I thought it was a wonderful concept. A woman with a career, children, a husband... juggling it all in an quirky, light-hearted way.
That was until my best friend Starry informed me that the movie is actually based on a book, that she had read for a class in college.
She said I needed to read the book. Then she went one step further, because I mentioned needing to pick up an audio book for my 12 hour drive down to CA that weekend and low and behold, she actually had an audio book of it and gave it to me for my trek down south.
The actual book, by Allison Pearson, was just over 6 hours long in audio book form. It was an excellent accompaniment to a 12 hour car ride alone.
Although, as I mentioned before, 12 hours is a long time to be inside your own head.
The life of Kate Reddy starts off with her trying to juggle being a good mother and having a successful career, keeping up good appearances, having enough time to do it all and going to great lengths to get it all done and keep everything in line.

As I'm listening to this story, of  course I can relate. Now, I don't have children, or a husband (or an actual career for that matter!) So there are certainly elements of the story that don't exactly fit for me, but there are overarching themes; trying to juggle everything and feeling like you're failing at everything simultaneously.
For me, I'm juggling: School work, class load, practicum duties, seeing clients, supervision, conducting research, meetings, studying, reading, a long distance relationship, a close-knit family I'm far from and attempting to stay in touch and keep up to date with them, trying to have somewhat of a social life, work oh and sleep too. I like to get some time for that too.
I'm also a female, although my guy friends would beg to differ and still give me a hard time if I ever (which I seldom ever do with them) show up in a skirt. I was blessed with the nicknames Finkle and Einhorn the first time I tried that. That is not to say that males do not feel pressure. Not what I am saying at all.
I am talking about that inner voice, I'm not sure what it is exactly, that females have. That constant battle that is occurring inside a woman about being a good mother versus being good at her job. Society seems to be a firm believer we can't be both. I'm not even a parent yet and I already feel the tug-of-war inside me.
It's already begun because I am 27 and childless. When I was younger and heard about a woman's "biological clock" I just pictures a big pocket watch like the one the white rabbit carried around in Alice in Wonderland floating around inside a woman's body.

I never understood that there is literally a pressure so heavy you can almost hear it ticking inside. When my mother was my age she had already given birth to one child with a 2nd on the way and two step sons, my sister already had given birth to two with a step son and my best friend who is my exact same age already has a 2nd grader and 4 year old, not to mention my many, many cousins who have children. There are still a good number of us in the family that don't, and I know I can't filter that information out completely.

To get back on track here, I am a 27 year old graduate student, pursuing her Ph.D. Which means that I will graduate (if I'm lucky!) when I'm 31. I don't think I need to do the math on how many good-baby-producing years that leaves me with post graduation. So my choices are: wait to have children and be an "older mother" which, having older parents is something I am very aware of. My peers have parents who are in their 40's.. I have siblings in their 40's. Or, have children while in grad school and attempt to juggle practicum/classes/research/work/internship/exams/dissertation all with a baby on my hip.
People say "but you chose that path" and They're right, I did. I chose education and I chose the long road, and I took so long to figure that out, that I'm doing it later than a lot of people. I take full responsibility for that and stand behind that choice.
The part I'm having a hard time with is: No matter which decision or path I choose, I feel like I'm losing. I can put school/career on hold or on the back burner or say screw it all together and become a mother and likely resent my children and myself for losing out on one of my biggest passions, OR I can choose to put the family life on hold, pursue my career become successful and either not have kids, or have them much later where I will then resent my job and myself for giving my children less time with their mother (daily time as well as longevity since I'll be a much older mother).

All these thoughts have been in my mind for many years, I can usually brush them aside, quiet them with distractions, or focus on other things. When I'm stuck in a car, by myself, listening to the life of Kate Reddy, and listening to her failing at handling everything and *Spoil Alert* in the end GIVING UP HER JOB..for her children and her husband... it only makes me feel that much more overwhelmed and hopeless that a woman can, in fact, do it all.
Every story (fiction or otherwise) seems to point in the direction of women thinking they can do it all, but coming to the conclusion that being a mother triumphs all other efforts and if you want to be a good one, you've got to give in..and know your role.

Although, I can't lie...I'll probably still see the movie.

Woody Allen

I wonder if it is just getting older in general, or something specific due to my ever growing cynicism and doubts that life actually ever has happy endings (although, compared to my teenage angst filled years I'm much more optimistic in recent years, as hard as that is for most to believe)... but I've really grown to appreciate Woody Allen's work.
I remember seeing the movie Match Point years ago and I remember hating it.
Well, hate is probably too drastic of a word, but I definitely recall a strong dislike for the movie.
I have yet to watch it again, but it got me thinking recently.
It started with Annie Hall:

 I just loved the idea that not everything ends up the way you think it should. It probably helped that I watched this post-the worst break up of my life.
Regardless of how many times they came back together , or thought it should work, it didn't. No one wants to think that and most of Hollywood doesn't let you think that...
but in all actuality, it's far more common than those fairy tale endings most movies promise you.

The dialogue in his movies is intense, thought provoking, raw, and real.

So tonight, I'm watching Manhattan:

I absolutely love this scene. Profoundly beautiful, in the simplest way.



Maybe I'll have to re-watch Match Point. See how the late 20's version of me feels about it.