Here's to self-care...and sanity.

Today marks the last day of my 3rd practicum in graduate school.
It is so strange to devote your time/sanity/effort into something for what feels like forever, and then to reach the point where you walk out, and just never return.
I felt a lot more attached to the residents there than I have with previous clients. I think given the setting, and the type of work we were doing it makes it that much more difficult to end the relationships. Therapy is such a funny profession too, because you're basically not allowed to have contact with any of them once you leave, its like you just have to disappear.
I know I won't just disappear, I know that I've made an impact on some of those women that will not be forgotten, and I feel similar about the roles they have played in my training.
It's just a strange feeling I'm sitting with right now.
I left, took the same route home I always do, let the dog out, and am sitting on my couch as I do most days after work. But I won't be going back next week, running my groups, meeting with residents, having supervision. It all just ended... and yet nothing feels different, except that it does.
There don't seem to be words to explain the feeling.
I had a moment on the drive home where I felt guilty for leaving. I chose my "end date" for this practicum. I started there in August, and really could have stayed on a while longer because I already started my new practicum in April, so I've been doing double time and I've been surviving. That is just it though, I've been surviving. I've been feeling overworked, stressed, at times miserable, and completely zapped of energy. I feel guilty though leaving those women when I really didn't have to, but chose to because it was beneficial for me to end when I did, for my own sanity. Self-Care they call it in my field.
I thought I'd have more to say about this day, but as I sit here I just feel brain-dead and zoned out.
I still have my other practicum tomorrow but J and I are going camping this weekend. I am pretty excited to get out of the city and be able to see the stars.
Not to mention, I am excited to have the time and energy to cook again. I've been repeating the same few meals over and over (which include spaghetti and tacos) for the past month or so just as a way to get by, but I miss being able to be creative and try new recipes. I just haven't been able to lately. I have just been skating by trying to make it through each week.
Here's to self-care....and sanity :)

Week 43: Oct 21st-27th=near death by sickness

It finally happened. Working at a residential with children and their mothers, my high stress level, etc caught up to me and I got ridiculously sick. I mean, full on, totally and completely couch ridden sick with a severe head cold. Rendered me useless for DAYS! Perfect timing since internship applications are due this upcoming Friday. No pressure. 
Oh and, I'm posting late....AGAIN. I think the entire month of October I may have been late. I'm slipping, in more ways than one.

My 5 things:

1. Worked a lot of my internship application stuff (even with my 3 day hiatus due to being ill beyond reason)

2. Talked with my supervisor about "self-care" as it, taking care of yourself (eating/sleeping right, exercising, fun things to counteract all the stress). I'm not doing any of it, and it is weighing on me, but at least I'm talking about it.

3. I started playing the incredibly silly game Candy Crush Saga. My mom is all into it and when she was hear she had me play a level she was stuck on and, well, it got me. It's something pointless to take my mind off the stress for a few minutes, so I'll accept that.

4. When the sickness hit, I actually took care of myself (ok, by that I mean I let J take care of me) but I actually slept, got meds, vitamins, fluids, lots of rest. Took 3 whole days off (ok, actually probably 2 and a half....but that is still good!). I'm not actually better, but I'm functioning more than I was.

5. Started the Breaking Bad series with J. INTENSE! Fun to have a series we watch together though.

Week 21: May 20th-26th...any day now

I was going to start out with how it is "that time of year" when everything piles up and I feel like I might explode...but then I realized, when is it NOT that time for me?  We're nearing the end of the quarter so it feels more so than usual, especially since I'm supposed to somehow have a 1st draft of my dissertation proposal by 6/14 and let me just say, I am definitely no where near close to having that (it's about a 40-50 page proposal of which I have maybe about 5 pages written). Add that to everything else that is going on plus trying to be somewhat excited about a trip to Hawaii that we're planning, having to worry about moving in July, and trying to not completely dread this birthday I've got coming this week. I could really use some major stress relief. Any day now.

My 5 things:

1. Went running. Unfortunately, only once...again. I went on Tuesday, and actually had to stop partway through it because of my injury. It started hurting pretty severely at just under a mile and a half. I decided not to push it and the whole rest of the day I was in pain. This pain continued (although dulled) over the next few days which lead to my pathetic running count of 1 for the week.

2. I actually wrote in here, not just on my usual Monday update. It is rare I find the combination of time/energy/motivation to sit down and compile my thoughts into print but when the planets align, it really is a wonderful outlet. There is always so much spinning around in my head and when I'm able to release an ounce of it here or there it makes a world of difference.

3. I baked cookies on Saturday for a BBQ I was attending on Sunday. I made my now-becoming-a-staple peanut butter cookies. I ran into a problem when I realized I was stuck at home without a vehicle and didn't have an eggs. Thankfully, I was able to get creative and utilized a substitute that, while it sounds disgusting, turned out to work pretty well. I only needed one egg, and a couple tbsp of mayonnaise did the trick just fine. They were a big hit with everyone, until I told J the magic ingredient and then he decided they were "gross".

4. Saturday evening my friend Rob who was down in the area for business came over to our side of the bay to get some drinks in early celebration for my birthday. Rob, J and I went to Alameda to a bar and got some drinks and toasted to me turning yet another year older. Thankfully, Rob is turning 30 this year so I didn't feel so old. I drank too much, which rarely happens and I didn't have to drive, which also rarely happens (and is likely why the 1st thing is a rarity).

5. Sunday, in all my hungover glory, we went to a BBQ at Rob's sister's house. There was tons of delicious food to which I made sure to eat any and everything available to me. I'm not sure why, but when I'm hungover it is like I am unable to get full. I just want to eat all day long....so I did. It was nice to be outside in the sun, eating wonderful food. 

Week 18: April 29th-May 5th: Worrying myself sick, literally

So typical. The minute I stop worrying about practicum interviews, I get offered two, BOTH while I'll be out of town. Ain't that a bitch?
One of the offers is from my number 1, top choice site from the initial round that didn't even offer me an interview before. It's working my my favor that it's late in the game so a lot of students have already accepted offers at other sites so there is a smaller, less competitive pool for them to choose from. Honestly, I'm fine with that because the thing is, I don't have any experience working with that population, so there is less of a reason to give me a chance. What I do have is motivation and charisma and when the pickins get slimmer, that is more likely to matter. The unfortunate thing, is that they're doing a group interview on the 13th (that they've invited me to) and when I spoke with the director on the phone, she said that if they don't find their placement on Monday that they may be able to meet me on Tuesday. Bummer. but there is also a site that wants to meet with me and is a little more flexible with time so I suppose if this one doesn't work out, the other one may.
But really, my main focus at this point is my Oral exam tomorrow. I go at 9am. There is a lot riding on this exam. It determines whether or not I get awarded my M.S., whether or not I can defend my proposal, and whether or not I will even be eligible to apply for internship. I know, I know, I can always retake it in a few months and there are other factors that may also prevent me from applying on time even if I did pass, but this exam is 3 years in the making. I've been dreading this exam since Fall 2010 when I entered into this program and I just want it to be over with already and not be drug out for another couple of months while I try to prepare all over again.
To top it all off: I'm getting sick. My body is so angry with me with all this stress and it just wants to give up. I worry that I'm going to spend my entire Vegas vacation sick. I'm trying my best to keep hydrated, to get as much sleep as my body will allow and loading up on EmergenC but despite all my best efforts, it's still creeping up on me. :/

Anyway, amidst all of that, here are my 5 things:

1. I went in an extra day to practicum to get more hours. Even though, with how chaotic things are right now with Orals and research deadlines, that was perhaps not the best decision, but it was only a half day anyway.

2. I went running three times. I finally feel like a runner again (well, I never really felt like a real one, I've always felt like a wanna-be) but I at least feel like a wanna-be runner again, and not just a total fake or failure.

3. I baked cookies yesterday and they were a big hit at the BBQ we went to.

4. I did another study session via Skype with a friend on Saturday. We went over materials for Orals from about 10am until 3pm with only a short break due to computer malfunctions. I'm really trying to get this Oral exam right the first time so as not to have to delay everything and take it again. Hopefully all this studying will pay off.

5. Yesterday was Cinco De Mayo and we went to a friend's house for a BBQ. It is a friend here, whose family has really been great and welcoming to me and J since we don't have family here so it's nice to be able to see them and spend some time with them. Plus there was some excellent food to enjoy :)

Week 17: April 22nd-28th: The calm... that hopefully won't be followed by a storm

So It's yet another Monday and I am still practicum-less. I applied to 1 more site and have heard back from a 2nd one that they officially received my application and are now reviewing all the applications. The email included about 18 other students, so I'm not going to hold my breath. It's my top choice site too.
I had sort of a  revelation at some point last week, sort of a calm that just washed over me about all this practicum stuff. Yes, it's stressful not knowing, of course I'd prefer to have a placement...but with everything I've got going on, I can't afford wasted energy on this issue. I've done what I can, I've applied to some places and now I'm just going to wait. I'm going to wait, and not worry and focus on what matters in this moment: ORALS!

My 5 things:

1. I went running twice, which is an improvement from last week, although my knee is still bothering me. The second day of running I went over to Alameda with J and we both ran. Granted, he runs much faster and farther than I do, so we don't actually run together but we do our warm up walk and stretches together. It's nice to know he's there doing the same thing though, even if I can't run with him.

2. I baked: twice this week. That's also how you know the stress is piling up. I baked banana-blackberry-oat muffins for us to take with us to work, etc and then I baked chocolate chip cookies last night for a treat. I recently purchased wheat flour due to the hype about it being better for you. I won't lie, it just isn't very good in cookies. I can handle it in the muffins and breads I've made, but cookies are just made to be baked with white flour and that is just all I have to say about that. I guess it could just be an acquired taste, like when you first switch to wheat bread. Jury is still out I suppose.

3. Did yoga twice this week. I really need to invest in a yoga mat. I use videos on YouTube of different types of yoga, recently I've been trying flow yoga and I like it but the rug we have out on the front room is just not cutting it for trying to hold some of those poses. I need to stop being a cheapskate and just get a mat, they're like $10.

4. Sunday I had a study session via Skype with a friend for almost 3 hours, going over materials for our Oral competency exams. Definitely helped me a LOT to feel like I semi-have an idea now about what it entails and what I'm expected to know. I still don't feel totally prepared, but it helped immensely. We're actually planning another one later in the week to review more.

5. I had a take home midterm that was sent out Thursday. We have until the following Friday to complete it. I didn't want to have to worry about my midterm and orals so I decided to start on the midterm on Thursday, and finish it up this weekend. I spent most of my morning on Sunday working on it (which was followed by that 3 hour study session...Sunday was a busy-brain day). I can proudly say that I've completed it and now I can focus all my energy on my Orals. Did I do the best possible job ever? No, but Orals have a whole lot more riding on them than this midterm. Priorities.

Wow, so I went running, baked, and did yoga....each one twice. Interesting theme this week.

Week 6: Feb. 4th-10th.. Mid Quarter crisis

MIDTERMS!!! Oy! I'm about ready to crumble into pieces. Just completed week 5 of the quarter, which means we're half way through and midterms are due this week. Oh and so are practicum applications, and my dissertation update, and we have house guests, and I'm fighting off sickness.
Of course it couldn't be spread out or anything, right? Because that's not how life works.
I feel like I'm losing my marbles a bit, which I suppose I can't remember the last time I actually felt like I had my marbles, or had a handle on anything at all.
It's been a tough week to come up with 5 things that I was able to do that were enjoyable or beneficial, but really this is the time I need them the most.

My 5 things:

1. In the midst of running errands to the post office and the bank, J and I stumbled upon a gathering of food carts over in Alameda. We decided to partake in the excitement and check it out. There was live music, sunshine, and delicious food and even splurged to try their ginger lemonade, and may I just say: YUM!!. I thought it was a good idea to take a seat and enjoy as apposed to getting the food and taking it or eating it in the car. It was awesome to be outside, enjoying good food, good company, and a good atmosphere. We've become such homebodys, it was nice to be out and about for a moment.

2. We've had house guests which is fun and stressful all at the same time. We went on Friday over to SF and then came back this way in the evening. It was one of our guest's birthday so we went out in Alameda for drinks to celebrate. Again, just being out and doing something out of the ordinary for me is a nice change of pace.

3. I made little Valentine's Day treat bags for my goddaughters and niece and nephew. I know how much I love getting things in the mail, and it's been a tradition really since I moved away to send little goodies. I mailed those out this weekend to ensure their arrival by Valentine's Day. I miss those little ones so much, and it pains me to know I'm missing out on some of the most precious times with them during these years. I know sending them little presents and candy doesn't make up for that, but hopefully it shows them that I'm thinking of them and that they are loved.

4.  So due to some misfortune, my canceled flight back funds that I thought I'd be using for Vegas, expire March 9th. I decided, after much debate, that I would take a trip home the first weekend of March. It will be a short trip, only Saturday-Monday but I think some quality time with my family will do me quite well. I booked that trip last Friday and instantly my mood elevated, just with the thought of getting to see my family, and knowing I'm not losing out on $100 helps too ;)

5. I listened to NPR for the first time in my life (willingly anyway). I put it on during my long commute and took a listen. This is a huge thing for me, as I used to despise talk radio. I'm still getting used to it, and obviously there are times when the content just isn't doing it for me, but it is a nice change from music, and it also allows me to get a little glimpse into what is going on in the world, and in elements of life other than just graduate school. I liked it, I think I'll do it more often.

Failure or Success: Where do I stand?

It's that time again, where I feel like I'm failing miserably at everything.
Some things, I genuinely am failing at, of course not completely, but to a certain extent.

Take my writing: I update on  9/30, claiming I need to make an actual effort at writing, and here I am not posting again until 11/4.
Therefore, when it comes to writing, I am actually failing.

Grad school: This has a way of making me feel like I am always failing, no matter how productive or accomplished I am being, because there will forever and always be more that I should be doing.
There is always another paper I need to be writing, another article I need to be reading, another topic I should be researching, more data I need to be analyzing. Even when I check off every single thing off my list for that week/month/quarter...there is another list that has yet to be written (which is just another thing  I need to do!) with requirements that need to be done that just haven't made it to paper yet but are floating in my head.
There is no real way to ever feel as though I'm not failing when it comes to school, it's a losing battle that way.

My running: I've got an injury, so at least I've got somewhat of an excuse, but even the idea of having an excuse as to why it is ok to fail, makes me feel like I'm failing. I've been actively working on doing the stretches given to me by the doctor, I actually completed the 3 full weeks of doing them 3 times per day and started testing out my knee by running (very, very small runs) a few times a week, but even then I start out with 3 tiny runs per week, then the next week I fall off the mark and don't run at all, and then the next week I run 1 or 2 times or I "forget" to do my stretches (which are now down to just once a day, since the 2x per day is no longer necessary). That isn't going to help my injury and I know that, so what the hell am I doing?
I'm not totally failing at my running, but I'm not doing much succeeding there either.

My self-care: I'm not a disheveled mess. I still manage to shower daily and do my hair and make-up too. So, I'm not failing in that area, but I'm not going above and beyond in it either. I definitely am doing the bare minimum to not be totally ashamed of myself, and I realize that my bare minimum is actually a lot more than a lot of people's extra fancy but I'm not focused on what others are doing that I'm not, I'm more focused on what I normally do that I'm no longer doing. I take pride in myself, or at least I used to. I don't think this is even something that those on the outside would even notice the difference, but I do... and really, that is what concerns me, not what others see but what  I see.
So the jury is still out on this area, but again... I wouldn't call any of it a success.

My relationship: I never know how much of this area I am to blame solely, since it takes two here but I suppose when something is amiss, it does not matter who is at fault, since both parties suffer. We're both so damn stressed out all the time and frustrated with our own careers/goals/set backs its hard to find the time to actually enjoy each other because by the time there is any free space for that, one of us is always preoccupied with some frustration we've got going on in the background we're not really present anyway. I think we both need to learn to press pause. I think this comes with time, with patience, with age, with dedication.
We're better at it than I think we used to be, but I think it's a long process couples take years to accomplish, and really...we've only been living together for going on 4 months so I think maybe I'll call this a half-success ;)

All in all, I am not pleased with my performance. If this were a review, I'd be getting a C- here. I'm not a complete waste of space, but improvement is most definitely required if productivity and success are the desired outcomes.

Mid-Quarter Blues.

It's that mid point in the quarter. I'm literally dragging my physical body around going through the motions meanwhile my mind has ceased to cooperate for a little over a week now.
I'm absolutely and completely exhausted. Physically, emotionally and sure as hell mentally.
I know I will make it out of this sluggish funk, I do every quarter, I eventually become re-energized just enough to power through the last half of the quarter, only to be bombarded by another and another and the cycle continues.  I just have to wait it out, wait for the day I wake up and can actually function semi-properly.
Please come soon. I am quickly dissolving into a pile of pathetic.

Pleasant Activities

In my program, we have weekly supervision for our practicum at the clinic. This means we meet for 1 hour of individual supervision and 2 hours per week  for group supervision. Group is a time to talk about cases, get feedback from peers about complications, questions, concerns or frustrations we're encountering as student therapists. This is also a time for us to get some didactic training and learn skills to implement in therapy.
So in my group supervision today, we were assigned a task.
"Pleasant Activities" is a tool we sometimes use in cognitive-behavioral therapy for clients.
Our supervisor thought that:
A. Since practicum applications are due in the next few weeks and we all seemed pretty worthless and exhausted it would be a good idea to get us doing things we enjoy
and B. That it's always helpful as therapists if we partake in the activities ourselves so we know what we're asking our clients to do.
So for this week, we are to come up with a list of 10 pleasant activities, and track the activities we partake in during the say, and a mood score at the end of the day. 0 being horrible to 10 being wonderful..(pretty much).
These activities can be anything we take pleasure in. These can be bigger things that take a fair amount of time, or even small things that take only minutes.
Now, since these are things that I theoretically should be able to accomplish over the next week (while I'm tracking) I left off the impossible such as: sex, going on a date, cuddling, etc since having a long distance relationship makes all of those things unattainable for the next 7 (but actually more like 25) days. I also left off things that I know I will not be able to do in the next week, such as: take a vacation, go bowling, etc.
So after much debate (in my own mind, of course) I have developed my 10 pleasant activities and they are as follows (and in no particular order):

1. "Rocking out" (singing loudly) in my car while driving
2. Baking
3. Cooking
4. What I have deemed as the "Running Aftermath" (since I absolutely LOATHE the feeling before/during/after running, and find ZERO enjoyment in that aspect.... but have found that I tend to have more energy and better days overall on the days I run, I am calling this the "Running Aftermath" and that, I do find pleasant).
5. Pooping 
6. Reading for pleasure (so, nothing school related!)
7. Watching my weekly shows on TV, and not catching up online later (so getting to watch Gossip Girl, Glee, New Girl, etc when they actually air)
8. Dancing
9. Organizing: room/clothes/shelves/etc
10. Planning Vacations

What I have come to realize about my list is that none of them (aside from #7) are sedentary, or without purpose. All the activities I've listed are active, in terms of achieving something, producing something or accomplishing something.
I do not have anything on here that would be deemed as "relaxing" ....although reading could be, but aside from that (and even then, depending on what I'm reading, I'm still learning/absorbing). There is no mention on this list of 'sitting in a park', 'meditating', 'taking a bath', or 'relaxation breathing'.
I'm much too high strung for that I think. Which is ironic, maybe?
When I'm stressed out, it is usually involving feeling pressed for time, rushed, on a budget/limit/time constraint of sorts, so the thought of 'taking a break' to do something relaxing, actually just stresses me out more.
I think I have a need to feel like I'm being productive 24 hours of every day.
Maybe that is why my dreams are always so intense and vivid and I remember them in their entirety. Even when I'm sleeping, my brain feels like it has to be processing information on full speed.
If I am stressed out, I want to have the feeling of being able to complete/produce/accomplish in order to feel worth something. Hence the baking/cooking/organizing/planning items on my list.
Although, I'm not sure which category "rocking out" really falls under. Certainly not "relaxing" or "sedentary".
And for those who caught #5... I deem that as highly productive. Staying regular is a part of the body working, producing and accomplishing ;)

*Edit: So, about a half an hour after I wrote this post, I started to think about the activities I'd listed. I came to the realization that none of my activities involve other people, or being outside of my apartment for that matter (aside from "rocking out")
That kind of make me a little bit sad, I think.

Perpetually 10 minutes late

Just like that... I'm back into the thick of it.
As the end of my first week back at school comes to a close...I'm absolutely, incredibly, without a doubt...EXHAUSTED.
It's unbelievable how much a person can actually cram into one day.
Gone are the days where the only thing on the agenda was school, or just a shift at work.
My days are jam packed from the time I open my eyes until I am finally able to sit down and take a breath 12 hours later...only to wake up and do a laundry list of other things the next day, even though I still haven't finished everything I was supposed to the day before.
I go from class, to seeing a client, to working on research,  reading articles, then going to a night class, or its hours of research responsibilities, to seeing a client, to seeing another client, to more research, to an appointment, then back for research meeting  and remembering at 7:15pm that you have paperwork that must be completed before 8pm or a practicum fair in San Fransisco in the morning then back down to the south bay to work a closing shift.
I don't know how it's possible, but I seem to forget at the beginning of each quarter how much school takes over your life, your time, your sleep, your mind, your sanity.
Each quarter I spend the first 2 weeks drowning in my responsibilities until I eventually, manage to construct a temporary floatation device that seems to hold up just long enough for me to survive finals but seems to deteriorate and is no where to be found come the next quarter.
I am a planner, I prefer to come prepared, on time and ready for what life has for me.
Graduate school makes this damn near impossible...and the first few weeks of the quarter, this yearning to be prepared and to be able to plan is an absolutely unattainable desire.
I just need to settle into this new schedule. I've some how managed to set myself up for an excruciatingly difficult quarter. My responsibilities are swallowing me whole.
Every moment of every day feels like I'm the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland.

Where I got this photo

"I'm late, I'm late...for absolutely every possible thing I'm supposed to be doing today!"
I got back from the PNW on Tuesday afternoon, it's Friday evening. I've yet to unpack, I bought only a few survival items from the grocery store in order to avoid starving, my papers from last quarter and this quarter are on every shelf, stuffed in every space near my desk in complete disarray. 
Thank my lucky stars I have tomorrow off from EVERYTHING!
I will be spending probably 8 of the hours reading for classes/preparing for practicum/research duties...
but for the other hours I am awake and not glued to my computer.. I plan to do laundry, maybe unpack, and certainly try and get my life a little more organized.
And for sanity purposes... I should see which of my favorite shows started up again with new episodes and give my brain a rest and catch up on some of those online ;)
Hmm.. that sure sounds like a lot to cram into one "free" Saturday. Some of those things will have to wait. Most likely the unpacking.

I'm still on holiday.... right?

The new year is fast approaching.
I am starting to already stress about the next quarter since a number of my school peers are buzzing about working on their CV's or cover letters and application materials and I am still up here in oblivion pretending I'm actually on vacation.
I know I need to get a move on, but I want to be stubborn and refuse to acknowledge the piling workload in front of me until after New Years Eve. I get one more holiday on my "holiday" before I have to start back up the crazy stress case life I lead in graduate school.

The worst is over (for this quarter, anyway)

I survived.

30 minute oral presentation, 18 page paper, 30 page paper.
That is the largest paper I've ever written in my life...well, at least until next quarter.
I'm spent. I have a final next week and then I'm headed home for Thanksgiving.
Even though school is over, I have to come back after Thanksgiving to finish up the remainder of the term at my practicum. It will be a short trip, back to reality for a few weeks, then back up north for the remainder of the year. The hard part is over though. Now it's just staying afloat for the rest of it.

8 hours of brain power

8 hours of paper writing.
That's how I've spent my day. I've some how managed to complete18 pages of the 15 page paper but only 17 pages of the 30 page paper.

The barricade I made for myself

I'm so drained. I can't even think straight.
I've also been listening to Christmas music for the majority of that time.
I made a Christmas mix on Spotify of a bunch of my favorite Christmas tunes and have been rocking out to it during this grueling paper writing process.
The result of 8 ours of brain usage=

Bad decisions involving Pizza. I couldn't be bothered to cook, or think, or function. I did go and pick this up though, and saved myself a delivery charge because I felt guilt about spending so much money on Pizza when I have plenty of food at home.
I still have 13 pages to go. I'm not sure that is going to be completed tonight...and honestly, I think I am ok with that. I have to work tomorrow at 6am, so I don't want to be up half the night working on this stuff. I think my brain is pretty shot any way.
When I called the pizza place earlier to place my order was proof of my inability to function:
Pizza Place: Hi, delivery, pick up or dine in?
Me: Oh, um, I want... well pick up, yes, sorry.
PP: Ok, Area code and phone number
Me: Well, whichever one I just called, but now I'm unsure...
PP: No ma'am, I mean what is your phone number and area code, not the restaurant's.
Me: Oh my goodness, well, um of course.

Brain function failure. I cannot wait for Wednesday to be over. I don't even care that I have yet another painful dentist appointment scheduled for Thursday. At this point, I'd gladly take that just to know I'm done with the hellishness that is Wednesday: 30 min oral presentation, 15 page paper and 30 page paper due, session with my client, clinic duty, progress note writing and volunteering to play a "client" for another student's project.
Oh Thursday, where are you???

Holidays, oh and school too of course.

I absolutely love, love, love the holidays.
They are not what they used to be. Our family has undergone a lot of changes over the years due to some very unfortunate events, and the holidays are nothing of what they used to be, but aside from all of that, this time of year makes my heart happy.
When I was living in Hawaii there were a lot of years I was not able to go home for Thanksgiving. Thankfully, now that I'm living in California, the hour and 45 min flight (that costs much less than a 6 hour $500+ flight from Hawaii) has allowed me to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas (Thank you Southwest for your incredible deals!!!).
I go home in 12 days for Thanksgiving! Which is wonderful and stressful at the same time. It means I have 12 days until Fall quarter is over which means I have 5 days until I have a 30+ page paper, a 15+ page paper AND a 30 min oral presentation due. I cannot wait for November 17th, it means I will have all of that stuff behind me and just one more final to worry about the following week, and I can handle that.
All these papers/presentation, however, are stressing me out!! I have devoted this weekend to completing these, along with my usual homework. I am not allowing myself to do anything of enjoyment this weekend because I absolutely have got to be productive and get all of that accomplished.
I finally pushed through my latest slump on 'lacking-all-motivation-for-anything-school-related" last weekend and was able to get at least a rough start to most of what is due next week. (Thank goodness!) but I still have a long, long way to go.
I was actually at a dinner party last night with a group of 1st years (those who started the program this year) and I found myself saying "Oh no, 2nd year is much, much better, I'm way less stressed than I was 1st year." and then following that up with comments about the 30+ page and 15+ page paper I have looming and they looked puzzled and said "And you think 2nd year is easier?!?"
 It's possible I've just learned to dissociate from the stress now, and don't even realize how overwhelmed I'm actually feeling.

Some how a post about the holidays, inevitably ended up being a post about school and stress. Story of my life. :)

Where is the PAUSE button?

I feel like with the life I've chosen, that being graduate school, having a job, and attempting to have a social life I'm in this constant state of rushing and going full speed and using full capacity of my brain at all times.

So when I actually get a moment, or an afternoon where I have already worked in the morning, gone into the clinic and done a couple hours of paper work all the while dreaming of the moment I can get home and relax...only to get there, and be too restless to sit still but far too exhausted to do anything else.

I keep telling myself to "enjoy this time" of zoning out to a movie or catching up on episodes of my favorite shows online because if I can barely find the time to do it now, once school starts back up again and I add a full course load to my clinic practicum and working it is goodbye personal time completely.
But I'm just so used to going-going-going that when I get a chance to pause, I start running in circles instead of just slowing down, or halting motion momentarily.
Yesterday I was so close to a break down, felt like everything was piling up so high I'd crumble, and then almost like magically it all just either disappeared or faded to a level that felt manageable.
I'm not complaining, i rather enjoy the slightly lighter load, I just wish the universe didn't have to dump a million tons in my lap only to take off half a million in order for the extra work to feel like a relief.
The good news is, I have a fairly stress-free weekend ahead of me that I can hopefully slow down long enough to actually enjoy. One of my closest friends is in town from Hawaii and she is staying with me for about a week starting Sunday. I'm really hoping that my clinic/work load is light enough that I can spend some quality time with her. It's been a year since I've seen her and even longer since I've seen her sans her boyfriend. I am really looking forward to some personal, quality time with my Boo.

Sometimes, being a woman sucks.

It just keeps piling up.
When life just weighs on you, and it feels like you'll be smothered alive... what else is there to do but spend some time with these ladies?

What I really need, is my best friend, AKA my wife.
I am definitely in a shitty spot where I feel like it just might be impossible to climb out of.
I know I will, I always seem to find a way to, but even knowing that doesn't make this current feeling go away.
I am feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless and pathetic. It probably doesn't help that I am a woman and hormones are currently ganging up on me.
So not only am I feeling completely unmotivated and worthless... but now my boyfriend is mad at me because I can't control my emotions and am a raging bitch :/
This is why I need my best friend.
She is 700 miles away, so I guess I'll have to settle for my complete series of Sex and the City and homemade casserole.

Possible hypomania or just delusions of grandeur?

It's that time in the quarter, where everything seems to be piling up and the pressure is felt so strongly it's actually developed into somatic presentation.
Midterms, 15 page papers, exams, quizzes, lion and tigers and bears oh my!
Today was an 85 degree day. Not a cloud in the sky, beautiful California weather, and all day long I studied, crammed, sat in hours of lecture, took a midterm, sat in traffic, revised a paper and studied psychopharmocology terminology all with a pounding headache.
Surprisingly, I did this all with a smile. I'm having one of those days, where I should be cracking under the pressure like so many of my classmates, but instead I'm blissfully content with all this weight on my shoulders. It's possible I'm just dissociating from my actual problems and not actually realizing how stressed I am. I shouldn't complain though. I'd much rather be in this ignorant state of bliss than breaking down. It comes and goes. It's not like I actually have all my shit together, or that I need not be worried about things.
I think it is just the mind's way of protecting itself from pure and utter destruction.
I know that I am in fact stressed, because my number of baked goods produced is in direct proportion to my stress levels and my sporadic ideas for strawberry muffins at 1am a few nights ago and my inkling for baking cookies tonight is a sure fire sign I'm actually feeling the pressure.
It also never fails that when in these crunch times the amount of clothing and clutter in my bedroom multiplies exponentially. I will reach a point, where I clean and organize but not until after tomorrow. After that, we've got a few days to breathe before the next exams.
And on that note, I must be off, to bake something delicious. For my sanity, and the eating pleasure of my classmates tomorrow.