Week 24: June 10th-16th Trying new things

1. I went running twice! Right, so running twice is no big accomplishment, except that I didn't run at all last week, and I may have not run the week before that either. I tend to get too motivated, and end up pushing it which irritates my IT band and then I'm left not being able to run. I really need to learn that running twice a week, each week is better than being able to go 3 times in a week but then 0 times the next week. I'm too impatient for this injury, but I'm working on that.

2. I tried my hand at pulled pork for the first time yesterday. I'd never handled 5lbs of pork butt before ;) I made it in the slow cooker, did a rub with spices before hand and then added my own mix after because I wanted it to have more flavor. I must say, I think it turned out pretty well and I'm damn proud. There's always new recipes to try and I love that no matter how good of a cook you are, you can always try new things.

3. I started writing in the My Listography book my sister got me for my birthday this year. It was one the many thoughtful "golden birthday" themed gifts that arrived in the mail. She is all about the presentation of everything (that is her artistic self shining through):

It is an entire book of Lists on every page. There are lists for favorites, wishes, memories, etc. I decided that my goal is to fill it out before my 30th birthday as a way to chronicle my thoughts throughout my last year in my 20's. Some of the lists are pretty concrete and won't likely change, but some of them are more fleeting so it will be interesting to look back on. I have always been a writer, a list maker, a memory hoarder. Since I was young I have written down all sorts of useless information about conversations, dreams, thoughts, any and everything I worried I might forget later. I have boxes of diaries and journals from growing up and as I grow older I realize how much you naturally just forget over time. I guess I was onto something as a child. In the past decade or so I've written a lot less, forgotten a lot more. Even this blog is somewhat of a memory hoarding device designed for me to remember a little bit more that I would on my own. My sistermay not be as much of a writer as me, but is just about as compulsive as I am when it comes to list-making so this book was pretty fitting coming from her.

4. I was told about the show, The L Word and that I needed to watch it. It was actually recommended to J and I but after a quick preview he decided it wasn't for him (which, I'm not sure how that is possible.. there is boobs galore in it!) but either way, we didn't end up starting the series. Now that the quarter is over and I've turned in my 1st draft of my dissertation proposal I've got a few moments to breath and actually relax (well, really it is a false sense since I should still be working on posters for conferences, integrated reports for patients, there is always a laundry list...oh and laundry too!) but either way, I started the series yesterday on my own. Looking forward to losing myself in some new characters.

5. Yesterday, while the pulled pork was in the slow cooker and before I settled in with the L Word for the evening, I spent the day giving the house a much needed cleaning. Cleaning is actually on this list? That probably means I need to get a better social life. The feeling of having a clean, organized house though is pretty damn amazing. That is probably the reason it made the list this time. Having organization and cleanliness, especially after finals week when everything seems to always get "put on hold" and piles of clothes appear, is such a great feeling.

Week 23: June 3rd-9th 2013 No more pencil, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks!

Oy! I almost forgot to post today!
I cannot have 2 weeks in a row where I'm late, that is just bad form.
So this past week something somewhat monumental occurred. I attended my last class ever in my graduate career. Apparently, I've learned everything I can in the classroom, and now it's just working in the field and on my dissertation. Crazy. Speaking of...I'm supposed to have my 1st draft of my proposal by this Friday. I'm at about 17 of the 50 pages I need. This should be an interesting week. 

My 5 things:

1. I baked cookies in celebration of my last day of class. It was all I could do to stay sane knowing I had a 60 minute group presentation and a 15 minute individual presentation looming the following day. I really know how to go out with a bang...my last class ever was spent in front of the class for about half the 3 hour class.

2. After I attended my last official class of my graduate career, I went over to to Chevy's (which is across the street from my school's clinic campus) with some girls from my program to celebrate. I only had an hour to spare as I needed to be in research group at 5pm and class got out at 3:50pm. Just enough time to enjoy a happy hour margarita, shoot the shit with some friends and load up on chips and salsa.

3. J and I took our free movie ticket and went to see a movie Saturday night. only having to pay for 1 ticket feels like it's a treat ;) I'd been wanting to go see The Great Gatsby, but since we'd been dragging our feet to get to the theater for weeks, it was no longer playing at the Regal's by our house. Instead, we went to see The Internship. That is how much I love J (well, and Vince Vaughn). The fact that I was willing to sit through 2 hours of my arch nemesis (and PAY to do so!!) tells you how much I love them. I absolutely despise Owen Wilson. I cannot stand the way he talks, his facr, his mouth, his voice... hell I never saw the movie Cars...just because he did the voice for the animated movie! That is how much I despise him. I usually boycott his movies, but will admit.. when Vince Vaughn is in them... I make an exception.  The good news is: the movie was good enough that I could almost tolerate his bleached-butt-hole-looking lips and that annoying voice. Plus, I love popcorn.

4. I called my sister who I hadn't talked to in awhile and had a really great talk. J referred to us as "2 hens in a hen house...cackling away". It's rare enough to find a friend like that, and even more so to share 50% of your DNA with them. I hate that I'm so far away, but when she and I are able to have a talk like that where we just really get each other, and can laugh, and relate... it feels like I'm right there with her.

5. I tried my hardest to sleep in on the weekend. I think I made it until about 8am...and that was pushing it. 

Week 22: May 27th-June 2nd= My "Golden" Birthday

Well well, I am late this week on posting. So sue me! I spent practically all day yesterday in the library so I was a little brain dead when I returned home and not in much a mood to write.

I would like to take a minute, before reflecting on this past week, to make a note that today I attended my last class ever of my graduate career. I am officially done with classes... well, I still have a take-home final that is due at the end of next week.. but as far as attending class goes: I'M DONE!Strange.. because I still have so much further to go in my program but I've "learned" everything I need. HAH!

So, it was my birthday on Wednesday the 29th. My golden birthday: 29 on the 29th. I had hoped something monumental was going to happen, like some sort of metamorphosis into something magical or some special powers would have surfaced but no such luck. I've spend 28+ years waiting for this Golden Birthday and it turns out, it's like every other birthday: Just another day.   

Ok, my 5 things:

1. On my birthday I had to work all day seeing clients at my practicum. So J surprised me with steak (my favorite) and ice cream at home that evening. I pigged out with no regard to calories. It was, after all, my birthday so that was allowed.

2. I found myself taking a few naps throughout the week. One of them I took on my actual birthday (although, that actually made me feel kind of lame, but that is going back to the whole "your Golden Birthday is supposed to be magical" fallacy I had been tricked into believing)

3. My best friend and her fiance (haha feels silly to call him that) came to visit. This was my first actual 'here just to visit me' guests. Pretty exciting. They got to see where J and I live and we showed them around San Francisco. Neither of them had ever been so it was a lot to cover in 1 day, but J did a pretty excellent job as a guide.

4. Having my best friend face to face is when we do our best communicating. We've gotten a lot better with texting and emailing so we no longer go weeks or months (gasp!) without speaking. Nothing beats face to face though. It is not even that we talk about anything monumental, (although wedding plans etc was pretty important this time around) but it is just being able to communicate and know that the other person knows exactly what you mean, even when others around you are disagreeing or failing to see the logic. She gets it. She always has.

5. Sunday J and I decided to take an impromptu mini road trip up to Gridley, CA. It is where his grandpa used to live and J's talked about this candy story: Penny Candy since, well pretty much since I've known him. We made the almost 3 hour drive up there and I got to experience part of J's childhood, walking around the store picking out any candy I wanted and filling our basket.

Week 21: May 20th-26th...any day now

I was going to start out with how it is "that time of year" when everything piles up and I feel like I might explode...but then I realized, when is it NOT that time for me?  We're nearing the end of the quarter so it feels more so than usual, especially since I'm supposed to somehow have a 1st draft of my dissertation proposal by 6/14 and let me just say, I am definitely no where near close to having that (it's about a 40-50 page proposal of which I have maybe about 5 pages written). Add that to everything else that is going on plus trying to be somewhat excited about a trip to Hawaii that we're planning, having to worry about moving in July, and trying to not completely dread this birthday I've got coming this week. I could really use some major stress relief. Any day now.

My 5 things:

1. Went running. Unfortunately, only once...again. I went on Tuesday, and actually had to stop partway through it because of my injury. It started hurting pretty severely at just under a mile and a half. I decided not to push it and the whole rest of the day I was in pain. This pain continued (although dulled) over the next few days which lead to my pathetic running count of 1 for the week.

2. I actually wrote in here, not just on my usual Monday update. It is rare I find the combination of time/energy/motivation to sit down and compile my thoughts into print but when the planets align, it really is a wonderful outlet. There is always so much spinning around in my head and when I'm able to release an ounce of it here or there it makes a world of difference.

3. I baked cookies on Saturday for a BBQ I was attending on Sunday. I made my now-becoming-a-staple peanut butter cookies. I ran into a problem when I realized I was stuck at home without a vehicle and didn't have an eggs. Thankfully, I was able to get creative and utilized a substitute that, while it sounds disgusting, turned out to work pretty well. I only needed one egg, and a couple tbsp of mayonnaise did the trick just fine. They were a big hit with everyone, until I told J the magic ingredient and then he decided they were "gross".

4. Saturday evening my friend Rob who was down in the area for business came over to our side of the bay to get some drinks in early celebration for my birthday. Rob, J and I went to Alameda to a bar and got some drinks and toasted to me turning yet another year older. Thankfully, Rob is turning 30 this year so I didn't feel so old. I drank too much, which rarely happens and I didn't have to drive, which also rarely happens (and is likely why the 1st thing is a rarity).

5. Sunday, in all my hungover glory, we went to a BBQ at Rob's sister's house. There was tons of delicious food to which I made sure to eat any and everything available to me. I'm not sure why, but when I'm hungover it is like I am unable to get full. I just want to eat all day long....so I did. It was nice to be outside in the sun, eating wonderful food. 

Where we've been and where we're going

As I'm quickly coming upon the birthday that will bring me into the last year of my 20's, I have a number of things going through my mind. It's so easy to focus on what all we haven't done, how much time has gone by and all the opportunities that we've missed out on or have passed by and can no longer have or do.
Living in the world we do with such a focus on youth and beauty I already feel washed up and like a has-been before I've even turned 30.

Yesterday my best friend tells me that the doctors said she may have something I've only ever heard of in those commercials with wrinkly people with white hair who move slow. Some form of arthritis which I had to google in order to know what it was.

The grey hair started years ago, along with the traces of the years on my face. This is only going to continue. There is no turning back, youth leaves us a little bit more each day. I'll never be that 16 year old that could eat an entire marionberry pie in a day (that's 3,000 calories for the whole pie, by the way) followed by gallons of Mountain Dew and king sized Reese's the next day and still weigh 125lbs. Although, just the thought of all that sugar is actually making me a little nauseous. I've already noticed the impact of a life of 9 hours parked in a chair in an office and 2 hours a day sedentary as I commute. The disheartening thing, is that it only gets more difficult from here. I'm not 16 anymore and when I'm 40, I'll wish it were as simple as it was at 28 (despite how much I'm complaining now).

Today I was reading something my old English teacher wrote. She mentioned something about how she taught high school for the 1st 10 years of her career. I started thinking. When I sat in her class at the age of 15, I had no idea that this woman hadn't been teaching her entire life (when you're 15, everyone over 18 seems like they're 40...turns out she was only in her late 20's!) or that she wouldn't be doing that for the rest of her career. To me, she was a teacher. That's it. That is what she did. Looking back, I see that although she spent 10 years doing that, 10 years is not your entire career. She's expanding her career and doing more than what she was doing at 28. Granted, I'm much further behind than that. I'm not into my career yet, but I am working in my field. Right now it feels like grad school is taking forever and a life time. I'm putting so much on hold in order to be doing this right now. But when I'm in my 40's, will this 5 years really seem like a lifetime or will it feel, as with most things, that it was merely a blink of an eye. I keep getting so bogged down about decisions I've had to make recently and what doors they've closed for me...and maybe for the first 10 years of my career, those doors will have to remain shut. But what is to stop me from figuring out a way to spend the following 10 doing what I set out to do? Or expanding to include some of the things I am hoping I'll get to do someday. There are a lot of politics in my field, that will make it impossible for me to do what I really want right out of graduate school, and maybe I've been looking at this all wrong. I took that as "you'll never work in the area you want because you didn't get your foot in the door in graduate school". All it really means, is I won't get to work in my area of interest for awhile. Maybe for 5 or 10 years. Maybe 15. But who is to say it will never happen? As my former teacher modeled: even if you spend 10 years working in one area of your field, it does not define your career. You can shift, you can expand, you can go in another direction if you so choose and are willing to take the steps necessary. Maybe I need those 10 or 15 years working in different areas in order to be ready for the work I want to do.

Today marks my mother's 1st day of retirement. Talk about a woman who has lived a million life times and isn't even 65. I think that is, in part, what sparked me thinking about all of this. I didn't know my mom when she was 28 (I wasn't born for another 5 years) but I'm sure the plans she had for herself, with 4 children and on her 3rd marriage, were not the same plans she had when she was 40 with 6 children and working full time. Regardless of where her 28 year old self thought she'd be when she reached her 40's, life had its own plan. Now in her 60's, she embarking on a new chapter. All her children are grown, she's no longer tied to a job where she has to be somewhere and on someone's time-clock. She's starting something completely new that she's never done before. Even with all that life behind her, she's got (hopefully) many, many years ahead of herself.

We can spend all our time mourning what we don't have and what we've missed out on, or we can open our eyes and realize all that we have in front of us...right now.

Week 20: May 14th-19th 2013. The waiting is over.

My 5 things:

1. Went running. Only once, it was a post-Vegas run over the weekend and it was necessary. My running was on a role there. I do believe that was positively correlated with my stress level leading up to Orals. Then Vegas happened. So, it is just a matter of getting back to 3 times a week. I'm happy with 3 times a week.
   
   
2. I actually let myself take a nap. That is rare in recent years, and I usually try to fight the urge but I was just exhausted and I allowed myself to sleep, despite not having been as productive as I'd wanted to. Turns out I was able to wake up from the nap and give my kitchen a much needed cleaning, as well as the floors in the house. So it was definitely worth it. 
   
   
3. I made the decision to stay here. J had a business trip up north Thursday-Sunday. I wanted to go, to be able to see family, to accompany him on the road but I knew I had so much work piling up and that I really couldn't afford to take more time off with all these deadlines looming. Instead, I stayed here and holed myself up at home. Aside from going to work on Friday, I didn't leave the house. I was able to get wquite a bit of school work/dissertation and research stuff done.
   
   
4. Watched tons of silly movies/TV that I would never subject J to out of respect for his manhood. I'm talking dramas, romantic comedy, and amultiple episodes of an ABC family TV show. Bad stuff (but oh-so-good in that horrible way)
   
   
5. In my Women's Group that I co-lead I utilized a new technique I've never done before, that is out of my usual realm of practices. I did a spin off of Gestalt's "empty chair" technique. It actually ended up being pretty effective, although not all patients participated to the fullest..which is expected in a group. Either way, I was proud of myself for reaching outside of my usual bag of tricks for last week's group.

After a weekend of consistently checking and rechecking my email for a message from my latest interview and watching as my phone didn't ring, Monday arrived and I was beginning to lose hope. "By the end of the week" she said. The interview took place on Thursday, so I assumed that meant Friday. When Friday came and went with nothing I assumed that perhaps meant some time over the weekend, surely by Sunday (that is, in fact, the end of the week). Sunday then came and went and Monday had arrived with not even a peep. Thankfully J came come after a weekend up north late Sunday evening so my attention was focused mostly on him. Monday morning I got up much earlier than him, had my coffee and read some research articles for my Forensics class. After a hearty breakfast of banana-oatmeal pancakes and strawberries and a silent phone, I spent the rest the morning catching up with J and hearing about his trip before he had to head to work. I checked my phone and out of no where, I had somehow missed a call and had a voicemail waiting. It was her, calling to offer me a practicum placement. FINALLY! After over a month of my hopes being hurled around on an emotional roller coaster of rejection I have a place that actually thinks I'm good enough. What a relief.

It's not what I want to be doing, it still working in substance abuse...so it's actually really a killer to my future career hopes of being in Forensics field...or really any field outside of substance use. It's a residential setting for women and children (the women are in recovery). So, it's going to be an estrogen party for me on a daily basis. Oy! That's going to take some getting used to, especially since currently most my clients are male, my supervisor is male, and my clinic director is male. Soon I'll be surrounded by vaginas galore with little testosterone in sight. Should be... interesting.
 Choosing this site has closed a LOT of doors I am really not ready to close. It's actually going beyond closing them, it is flat out nailing the door shut with an extra large padlock and chains. That is going to take some mourning. I mean I can fight and fight until I'm blue in the face, but in the end I needed to make a decision: to hold onto an idea that had me drowning by myself in this ocean that was my dream , or to latch onto a lifeboat that would sail me away from that ocean and onto land where, although the safety is comforting, it won't ever make me feel the way that ocean did.

I suppose that's a common theme in life. Keep drowning for the possibility of something likely unattainable or get to safety and miss out on whatever it was I was risking my life for. The trouble is...knowing when to grab on or when to keep struggling.

Week 19: May 6th-13th Burned out and beat down...that's what Vegas does (and so does grad school, without any of the perks!)

This week's dates are a bit off, and I am a bit late on posting... BUT for good reason:
I was in VEGAS!! Such a monumental week: I passed my orals, it was J's 1st time to Vegas and our first "couples trip" with my best friend and her boyfriend. Oh, and I should also mention how my best friend got ENGAGED on the trip too! So happy I got to be a part of it: I was the photographer of the event :)
We drank, we ate, we tanned, we laughed, we adventured, we walked, we talked, we gambled, we indulged.

It was mighty difficult to adjust back to real life after such an exhausting, eventual trip. I don't have much brain power left either.
I had an interview of Monday with my top choice,but  they did not end up choosing me. I was pretty upset about it. In all honesty, I'm still pretty upset about it. It's left me feeling pretty discouraged. I have another interview tomorrow, which I actually think I have a pretty good shot at...it is just that it's not doing what I want, at all. My professor has advised against staying in the field I'm currently in (I need a broader range) and as of now, the interview for tomorrow is still in the area of substance use.
I also got a verbal beat down yesterday from my advisor about my lack of progress on my dissertation.
Feeling pretty deflated at the moment. Man, grad school is so good at that.