I survived the 101 from Nor Cal to WA....
I've been home about 5 days now.
Just my family alone could use up all my waking hours here, then add in my boyfriend and my friends and it's a wonder I get any sleep at all.
Coming home is always so strange. It feels so familiar, and yet foreign at the same time.
I'm not sure why that is, if it's more to do with how home is evolving, how I am evolving or perhaps a combination of both. I miss being here, and I miss everyone here, and I definitely don't want to stay away, but it seems like home has become less welcoming. Not any of the people, of course, my friends and family always welcome me with open arms, but it feels as though home, the cities themselves are less welcoming of me upon each return.
Maybe it's not actually the cities' resentment I'm feeling, but my own.
I'm usually not home long enough for it to affect me too much, but since this is a longer trip, it's allowing me to feel more since I am usually able to keep it at bay.
I love home, I'm just starting to wonder if home doesn't love me anymore? It could also have much to do with the pain I leave here, and ignore and fool myself into thinking has disappeared, only to have it reappear the second I cross state lines.
I learned the hard way when I moved to Hawaii, that the negative doesn't go away just because you mask it with sunshine and 3,000 miles of ocean. It waits for you to return.
California certainly doesn't feel like home, but now, neither does home.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
"August Adventure"
I can't seem to keep up lately.
I've got ONE WEEK left and I will have completed my 1st of 3 quarters at the clinic.
My job at the coffee shop has me working a lot more lately, and mornings too so that means the alarm clock goes off at 4:30am.
I am exhausted.
I cannot wait for next week though. After I see my clients one last time (before a 2 and a half week break) and I work 3 morning shifts in a row, my boyfriend is flying down from Portland on Wednesday and we are going to begin what I've declared to be our "August Adventure".
This consists of a trip to The Mystery Spot!
I've seen bumper stickers for this everywhere and I finally decided to look it up online. After looking it up, I decided that it is definitely a place my boyfriend and I have to visit. I will have to post pictures after our trip because I know it'll be a blast.
After that, we're jumpin in my car (my poor, old Jetta) and hittin the open road!
Destination:
The Redwoods! The Avenue of the Giants to be more specific. We're camping there Thursday evening. Neither of us have been there (to our recollection) and I can't even remember the last time I went camping, so it should definitely be entertaining.
Then on Friday, we'll continue north and eventually reach our destination of Portland, OR! Where I will get to have approximately 2 weeks off of school and clinic responsibilities. This will constitute as my "summer break" but I plan to make the most of it and enjoy what little time off I have.
Because then, when I return Fall quarter starts. A full course load, working AND the clinic will prove to possibly be the breaking of my sanity. I've asked for fewer days at work, and hopefully I can manage the schedule I've made for myself.
But until then...I've got a whole lot to look forward to and be excited about, so I'll go ahead and just worry about getting through this next week, and leave the rest for September.
I've got ONE WEEK left and I will have completed my 1st of 3 quarters at the clinic.
My job at the coffee shop has me working a lot more lately, and mornings too so that means the alarm clock goes off at 4:30am.
I am exhausted.
I cannot wait for next week though. After I see my clients one last time (before a 2 and a half week break) and I work 3 morning shifts in a row, my boyfriend is flying down from Portland on Wednesday and we are going to begin what I've declared to be our "August Adventure".
This consists of a trip to The Mystery Spot!
I've seen bumper stickers for this everywhere and I finally decided to look it up online. After looking it up, I decided that it is definitely a place my boyfriend and I have to visit. I will have to post pictures after our trip because I know it'll be a blast.
After that, we're jumpin in my car (my poor, old Jetta) and hittin the open road!
Destination:
Then on Friday, we'll continue north and eventually reach our destination of Portland, OR! Where I will get to have approximately 2 weeks off of school and clinic responsibilities. This will constitute as my "summer break" but I plan to make the most of it and enjoy what little time off I have.
Because then, when I return Fall quarter starts. A full course load, working AND the clinic will prove to possibly be the breaking of my sanity. I've asked for fewer days at work, and hopefully I can manage the schedule I've made for myself.
But until then...I've got a whole lot to look forward to and be excited about, so I'll go ahead and just worry about getting through this next week, and leave the rest for September.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Where is the PAUSE button?
I feel like with the life I've chosen, that being graduate school, having a job, and attempting to have a social life I'm in this constant state of rushing and going full speed and using full capacity of my brain at all times.
So when I actually get a moment, or an afternoon where I have already worked in the morning, gone into the clinic and done a couple hours of paper work all the while dreaming of the moment I can get home and relax...only to get there, and be too restless to sit still but far too exhausted to do anything else.
I keep telling myself to "enjoy this time" of zoning out to a movie or catching up on episodes of my favorite shows online because if I can barely find the time to do it now, once school starts back up again and I add a full course load to my clinic practicum and working it is goodbye personal time completely.
But I'm just so used to going-going-going that when I get a chance to pause, I start running in circles instead of just slowing down, or halting motion momentarily.
Yesterday I was so close to a break down, felt like everything was piling up so high I'd crumble, and then almost like magically it all just either disappeared or faded to a level that felt manageable.
I'm not complaining, i rather enjoy the slightly lighter load, I just wish the universe didn't have to dump a million tons in my lap only to take off half a million in order for the extra work to feel like a relief.
The good news is, I have a fairly stress-free weekend ahead of me that I can hopefully slow down long enough to actually enjoy. One of my closest friends is in town from Hawaii and she is staying with me for about a week starting Sunday. I'm really hoping that my clinic/work load is light enough that I can spend some quality time with her. It's been a year since I've seen her and even longer since I've seen her sans her boyfriend. I am really looking forward to some personal, quality time with my Boo.
I keep telling myself to "enjoy this time" of zoning out to a movie or catching up on episodes of my favorite shows online because if I can barely find the time to do it now, once school starts back up again and I add a full course load to my clinic practicum and working it is goodbye personal time completely.
But I'm just so used to going-going-going that when I get a chance to pause, I start running in circles instead of just slowing down, or halting motion momentarily.
Yesterday I was so close to a break down, felt like everything was piling up so high I'd crumble, and then almost like magically it all just either disappeared or faded to a level that felt manageable.
I'm not complaining, i rather enjoy the slightly lighter load, I just wish the universe didn't have to dump a million tons in my lap only to take off half a million in order for the extra work to feel like a relief.
The good news is, I have a fairly stress-free weekend ahead of me that I can hopefully slow down long enough to actually enjoy. One of my closest friends is in town from Hawaii and she is staying with me for about a week starting Sunday. I'm really hoping that my clinic/work load is light enough that I can spend some quality time with her. It's been a year since I've seen her and even longer since I've seen her sans her boyfriend. I am really looking forward to some personal, quality time with my Boo.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Searching for balance
Feeling incredibly pessimistic at the moment.
I have been running for almost 2 and 1/2 months now, and I still hate it. I'm losing patience and hope that it will ever be something I'm good at, but as punishment for that, I want to continue it.
I've now been seeing clients for 3 weeks now. I've had some major ups and downs with that and I'm at a point now where I am supposed to be developing a treatment plan for what work we're going to be doing and I am feeling completely lost and overwhelmed.
After a year of grad school I realize now that the majority of what we're doing, is just being thrown into the ocean, and told to figure out how to stay afloat. I know I'm not an idiot, I've got common sense about a lot of things and I can do alright for myself in a lot of situations, but constantly floundering in a sea of unknown is sometimes just too much for me to handle.
I can't remember the last time I felt really intelligent. I'm in a constant state of self-doubt and that really does a number on a person's self esteem.
I feel like most people can't relate, so they just avoid the topic, and those who can relate, just seem to have such a better handle of everything that I'm ashamed about how difficult it is for me.
I'm finding it really hard to muster up the motivation for anything right now.
I am making a trip home next week, for a couple of days. While that is a source of pleasure, it is also another added stressor since I am having to juggle work, practicum, and life and squeeze it all into the beginning of the week in order to be able to take the time off to go up there.
I feel like I'm trying to please so many people and do so many things, that I'm not able to actually do anything well. Instead of succeeding in a few areas, I feel like I'm failing in a number of them.
I'm in search of the balance. Grad school makes that balance impossible.
I have been running for almost 2 and 1/2 months now, and I still hate it. I'm losing patience and hope that it will ever be something I'm good at, but as punishment for that, I want to continue it.
I've now been seeing clients for 3 weeks now. I've had some major ups and downs with that and I'm at a point now where I am supposed to be developing a treatment plan for what work we're going to be doing and I am feeling completely lost and overwhelmed.
After a year of grad school I realize now that the majority of what we're doing, is just being thrown into the ocean, and told to figure out how to stay afloat. I know I'm not an idiot, I've got common sense about a lot of things and I can do alright for myself in a lot of situations, but constantly floundering in a sea of unknown is sometimes just too much for me to handle.
I can't remember the last time I felt really intelligent. I'm in a constant state of self-doubt and that really does a number on a person's self esteem.
I feel like most people can't relate, so they just avoid the topic, and those who can relate, just seem to have such a better handle of everything that I'm ashamed about how difficult it is for me.
I'm finding it really hard to muster up the motivation for anything right now.
I am making a trip home next week, for a couple of days. While that is a source of pleasure, it is also another added stressor since I am having to juggle work, practicum, and life and squeeze it all into the beginning of the week in order to be able to take the time off to go up there.
I feel like I'm trying to please so many people and do so many things, that I'm not able to actually do anything well. Instead of succeeding in a few areas, I feel like I'm failing in a number of them.
I'm in search of the balance. Grad school makes that balance impossible.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Freedom Day and Running too
Yesterday was the 4th of July.
My first one in California. It went alright. A BBQ at my friend's place, a little pool time, then to see some fireworks at night at Shoreline Park. It was nothing like the ones at Forth Vancouver back home, but it was free, and we were real close so it made for a good show. It is crazy that I spent the holiday with a group of people that a year ago I didn't even know existed. It is interesting how life works. I guess that is to be expected when you move somewhere that you don't know anyone. It is just strange that none of us knew each other a year ago, and now we're all spending our holidays, birthdays, and celebrating special events with these people. It is kind of a surrogate family unit, a deranged family unit, but a unit nonetheless.
After much avoidance and set backs I've started my second training program for running. I was reluctant to start it because it seemed so daunting so I just kept repeating weeks from the previous program. So I've kept up my running, for 2 months now. And yesterday I began my 8 week 5k training schedule.
It is set up similar to the previous program I did with the run/walk intervals.
The first few weeks of it are as follows:
Week 1:
Day 1: 5/1 x 5
Day 2: 5/1 x 5
Day 3: 6/1 x 5
Day 4: 40-45 min cross-training
Week 2:
Day 1: 7/1 x 4
Day 2: 7/1 x 4
Day 3: 8/1 x 4
Day 4: 40-45 min cross-training
Week 3:
Day 1: 9/1 x 3
Day 2: 10/1 x 3
Day 3: 11/1 x 3
Day 4: 45 min cross-training
Today I have just completed day 2 of week 1. Yesterday's run felt alright but today, just killed me. I had side aches and breathing problems. It was rough. It's getting much warmer here in California, so I need to adjust the times of my runs and get it accomplished earlier so as to avoid the heat. It makes running so much more difficult for me (and probably for a lot of people).
2 months in...and I still hate running. I do like what it is doing for my body though. I can see more definition in my legs, and I'm getting my butt back which is awesome. I love that feature about me and with all the weight I lost it took away my best asset (yes, pun completely intended).
But I still hate how I feel before, during and after running. When is it supposed to get enjoyable?
My first one in California. It went alright. A BBQ at my friend's place, a little pool time, then to see some fireworks at night at Shoreline Park. It was nothing like the ones at Forth Vancouver back home, but it was free, and we were real close so it made for a good show. It is crazy that I spent the holiday with a group of people that a year ago I didn't even know existed. It is interesting how life works. I guess that is to be expected when you move somewhere that you don't know anyone. It is just strange that none of us knew each other a year ago, and now we're all spending our holidays, birthdays, and celebrating special events with these people. It is kind of a surrogate family unit, a deranged family unit, but a unit nonetheless.
After much avoidance and set backs I've started my second training program for running. I was reluctant to start it because it seemed so daunting so I just kept repeating weeks from the previous program. So I've kept up my running, for 2 months now. And yesterday I began my 8 week 5k training schedule.
It is set up similar to the previous program I did with the run/walk intervals.
The first few weeks of it are as follows:
Week 1:
Day 1: 5/1 x 5
Day 2: 5/1 x 5
Day 3: 6/1 x 5
Day 4: 40-45 min cross-training
Week 2:
Day 1: 7/1 x 4
Day 2: 7/1 x 4
Day 3: 8/1 x 4
Day 4: 40-45 min cross-training
Week 3:
Day 1: 9/1 x 3
Day 2: 10/1 x 3
Day 3: 11/1 x 3
Day 4: 45 min cross-training
Today I have just completed day 2 of week 1. Yesterday's run felt alright but today, just killed me. I had side aches and breathing problems. It was rough. It's getting much warmer here in California, so I need to adjust the times of my runs and get it accomplished earlier so as to avoid the heat. It makes running so much more difficult for me (and probably for a lot of people).
2 months in...and I still hate running. I do like what it is doing for my body though. I can see more definition in my legs, and I'm getting my butt back which is awesome. I love that feature about me and with all the weight I lost it took away my best asset (yes, pun completely intended).
But I still hate how I feel before, during and after running. When is it supposed to get enjoyable?
Friday, July 1, 2011
Look Ma, no hands!
I had my first session with a client.
While I, of course, cannot go into detail about anything due to confidentiality and frankly, human decency to this person's privacy, I can say that I thought it went pretty well.
I was so incredibly nervous beforehand. So worried I'd blank, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, offend my client, look unprofessional, unprepared etc.
About 15 minutes into the session I had this realization of "Whoa, you're really doing this. This is actually happening, this person has real problems and you're sitting here across from them, doing what you've been preparing all this time for"
It was a pretty surreal moment for me. One I hope I never forget the feeling of. If I make it out of grad school, and eventually onto my own practice and am doing this multiple times a day, 5 days a week I know it will be so easy to forget this feeling. This empowering and yet completely humbling and proud feeling. I never thought I'd ever be where I am today, especially with how close I was to dropping out after that first quarter. And now, here I am, one year in grad school completed and seeing clients as a student therapist.
I know not all days will feel like this, I will have difficult sessions and run into issues I'm not prepared for and I'll mess up and handle things incorrectly, but as for right now... I'm kind of a little proud of myself for making it this far. I have oh-so-long to go, but I've survived up until now.
I've officially seen my first client as a student therapist :) Whoa.
While I, of course, cannot go into detail about anything due to confidentiality and frankly, human decency to this person's privacy, I can say that I thought it went pretty well.
I was so incredibly nervous beforehand. So worried I'd blank, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, offend my client, look unprofessional, unprepared etc.
About 15 minutes into the session I had this realization of "Whoa, you're really doing this. This is actually happening, this person has real problems and you're sitting here across from them, doing what you've been preparing all this time for"
It was a pretty surreal moment for me. One I hope I never forget the feeling of. If I make it out of grad school, and eventually onto my own practice and am doing this multiple times a day, 5 days a week I know it will be so easy to forget this feeling. This empowering and yet completely humbling and proud feeling. I never thought I'd ever be where I am today, especially with how close I was to dropping out after that first quarter. And now, here I am, one year in grad school completed and seeing clients as a student therapist.
I know not all days will feel like this, I will have difficult sessions and run into issues I'm not prepared for and I'll mess up and handle things incorrectly, but as for right now... I'm kind of a little proud of myself for making it this far. I have oh-so-long to go, but I've survived up until now.
I've officially seen my first client as a student therapist :) Whoa.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Real life starts today, apparently.
Got back from Vegas on Saturday, had to work yesterday and I'm finally feeling normal today.
Took almost 2 days to recover from a trip that lasted less than 48 hours.
I need to clean my room, unpack and adjust back into life as I know it.
Today, marks the beginning of something major.
I have my first supervision sessions at the clinic today where I get a look at my client files for the first time and discuss them.
I still can't believe I'm going to have clients, that people are going to depend on me, and only me.
I mean I am only a student therapist, so it's not like I am expected to know everything, but it will still be just me and the client in the room. That is a lot of pressure riding on my shoulders.
I've started reading a new book:
So far I haven't been able to really get into it. Although, I can't really knock it since my first attempts at reading it were on a trip to Vegas, so to say my mind was else where would be an understatement. I am looking forward to having some down time this summer (sans classes and just focusing on work and my practicum) to actually read for pleasure.
I ask my sister-in-law for book suggestions. I started doing this last summer and have yet to be disappointed by a book she's suggested. They're never books I'd choose on my own, even this newest one, but I just take her advice and I am usually fairly pleased with the books in the end. This was her first suggestion and she's already given me another despite the fact that I'm only about 30 pages into this one. The good news is: I have a pool at my apartment (well, 3 actually) so I plan to spend a good amount of time near it, with books.
Took almost 2 days to recover from a trip that lasted less than 48 hours.
I need to clean my room, unpack and adjust back into life as I know it.
Today, marks the beginning of something major.
I have my first supervision sessions at the clinic today where I get a look at my client files for the first time and discuss them.
I still can't believe I'm going to have clients, that people are going to depend on me, and only me.
I mean I am only a student therapist, so it's not like I am expected to know everything, but it will still be just me and the client in the room. That is a lot of pressure riding on my shoulders.
I've started reading a new book:
I ask my sister-in-law for book suggestions. I started doing this last summer and have yet to be disappointed by a book she's suggested. They're never books I'd choose on my own, even this newest one, but I just take her advice and I am usually fairly pleased with the books in the end. This was her first suggestion and she's already given me another despite the fact that I'm only about 30 pages into this one. The good news is: I have a pool at my apartment (well, 3 actually) so I plan to spend a good amount of time near it, with books.
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