Despite that "Plan C" being in place, the abrupt crumbling of Plan B when I got the news this morning:
"We regret to inform you that you did not match"... still hit me like a hulk-powered punch to the gut.
This means I'm in CA for another year, have to go through the entire process again, including the outrageous application costs. What's worse, is having to go through that process feeling completely discouraged, disheartened, beat up, and tossed around like a tattered, one-eyed teddy bear getting shuffled around the toy bin while the other shiny new toys get chosen.
In reality, I likely needed this time since I've been completely slacking on my dissertation, although I only put it on the back burner because I was so determined to get an internship. I could have just focused this time on my dissertation in the first place and saved myself a ton of money, time, energy, and could have approached internship applications with at least a bit more confidence than I am currently feeling. Not to mention, feeling this way is giving me zero motivation to work on said dissertation, despite the importance of it.
I mean, there is no sense in playing the "what if" game with myself. I am stuck where I'm stuck and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Except put on a smile and pretend I'm not feeling completely worthless so that no one else has to feel awkward or uncomfortable around me and blurt out how "everything will be ok" and how "it will all work out"... as though I actually think the earth will swallow me up in this moment and my life would end.
I also know I'm not alone. I think the stats said there are about 360 of us that were not matched in Phase II. I'm not sure that helps anything, knowing that the system is set up to make a portion of us to fail, and that I happen to just fall in that section. Leaves me feeling rather hopeless actually. I'd prefer it was something I did, or did not do so that I could improve. Instead, I just have to wait and play the game once more where the odds are not in my favor and chance that I could again, be a part of those unfortunate statistics through no fault of my own.
We are driving up north this week. Sort of an impromptu trip we decided a couple weeks ago for a long weekend. Part of me thinks this is exactly what I need in this moment; to be with family, to be home. That other, louder part of my mind, thinks it is just going to be a painful reminder of what I am missing out on for even longer because of this frustrating internship shortage problem.
Brandi, Everyone I know in the professional world has faced some kind of let down like this. Be tough, hold your head up and know that in a decade, it will not matter one bit who got in on the first round and who didn't. =) Hug.
ReplyDeleteFor me it isn't so much about it mattering professionally. I feel like every year of grad school has been one major let down/disappointment/rejection after another...I've come to expect that part of it, and you're right 10 years from now none of that rejection will make a difference. What is really getting to me at this point, is that it is just another year my life's on hold, another year away from my family and my home. By the time I return home, I'll have been gone almost a decade. I'm just ready to be home, really ready and this *surprise extra year* is really just weighing on my heart.
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