Monday, March 25, 2013

Week 12: March 18th-24th...and I'm still waiting

I'm getting quite good at this waiting game.I did have my interview this week, and I think it went fairly. The site seems awesome and I think I'd get a lot of good experience but due to the politics involved in this practicum/internship/grad school ish... I don't think it will give me the hours I need, and I wasn't exactly qualified for the work. So I'm not betting on getting a placement.  Still no word from any of the other 4 sites that haven't contacted me yet. Judging by the timeline, I think it's fairly clear I'll be a member of Clearing House this year (where those who don't get placed get to...start over and apply to new sites). I think if I just come to terms with that now, it won't be such a disappointment when Notification Day comes and my phone never rings.

My 5 things:

1. I had a long conversation with my mom about some events of our past that my family chose to sweep under the rug, and even after everything else came out, these incidents were never explained to me. Through asking questions, I actually learned a lot about my mom and about her childhood that I also never knew. This was actually one of the most honest conversations I've ever had with my mom in my entire life. It amazes me to hear the things my mother has endured in her life and reaffirms my belief that she is by far, one of the strongest women I have ever known.

2. I took some time out to write. I started writing my story some time ago, but have been somewhat avoidant of it due to the nature of the writing and the level of honesty I have to have with myself when I write. I know that someday, my story won't just be a file saved in a folder, I know that it is destined for more than that, but it is going to be a long process. I'll get there, I know I will. Each time I allow myself to open up and write I get that much closer.

3. I did Yoga twice this week. I wish I had time to do it more, well actually, I'm sure I could make time to do it more. So really, I wish I would make more time for it in my life but twice a week is better than nothing.

4. I watched the sunset and did some evening birdwatching over in Alameda alone. It was so beautiful out and there were tons of birds to be seen. I went a little late and didn't have much sunlight left, but it was a nice quiet time to myself. I'd like for J to join me next time.
View of SF from Alameda
5. Went to the movies with J on Friday night. We went to see the very silly movie, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. It was as expected, over-the-top ridiculous, a little gross, and very slapstick but what else would come from that combination of actors? J was less impressed but I went in expecting pretty much what I got out of it so I was satisfied. But daaaammnnn movies are expensive. $11.50 each per ticket. We need to remember that matinee is the way to go.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Week 11: March 11th-17th... What is running, again?

This last week was full of ups and downs. Practicum applications have been in for awhile now and I hadn't heard anything from any site. I'd asked around a bit and it sounded like most people were in the same boat as me, no one had really heard anything with the exception of a few people. Wednesday I got a rejection email from one of my tops sites, Thursday I got an interview offer from my last choice site, and Friday I got a rejection from my number 1 choice site. I am very thankful I've been offered at least one interview. I am still waiting to hear back from 4 sites. The waiting game continues.

1. This week I went into my practicum an extra day that I did not have to. I am really striving to get more face-to-face hours (because those are what really count for internship) and that is difficult to do with a population that is notorious for avoidant behaviors. So I took action and discussed options with my site and decided that I would start going in on occasional Mondays (instead of having my glorious work from home/take care of the house Monday's I've grown to love) I only did a half day, so I didn't have to wake up at an ungodly hour (well, depending on who you're talking to, because I got to wake up at 6am instead of 4am, so to me that was lovely, but to others probably seems atrocious). By the time Friday rolled around, where the majority of my clients canceled or didn't even show up, I was grateful I had put in some extra time earlier in the week so it wasn't a total wash.

2. J and I decided, somewhat out of the blue, that we'd go to a matinee movie and see The Great and Powerful Oz at the Alameda theater. The theater itself was awesome, it's been fully restored to its original condition and has a very old-style feel to it. Bonus was, the movie was cheaper because it was matinee price. I know the movie itself has received a lot of bad reviews because the CGI is not up to par, and this, and that, and whatever but I guess I'm just easy to please. I thought it was delightful, colorful, and entertaining. People are just too damn critical sometimes.

3. Friday night, after some painful rejection emails from my top practicum sites, and a day full of canceling clients, J and I decided to go out for burgers and beers. It was really nice to be out with him, enjoying each others company and while I was enjoying some Blue Moons :)

4. Saturday, although we were all for being lazy and staying in, we decided to get out and enjoy the nice weather. We went to San Francisco with our friend Ray and just walked around, and checked out various shops and places and got lunch. Living so close to such an awesome city, it's really unfortunate we don't make more time to go there.

5. Sunday I went running for the first time in....honestly I don't even remember when the last time was. Yeah, running, remember that? Me either!.... I just checked my MapMyRun app and it was November 12th 2012. Holy hell that's a long time. I mean, I've gone hiking, and biking, and some walking, but I haven't attempted to run since November? It's worse than I thought. I guess that makes much more sense now why I've been feeling the way I have. Lately, whenever I see people running (which is a LOT, by the way, I swear everyone in the bay area is a runner!) I get this aching pain of envy.
When I used to see people run, before I started trying to, I used to use the phrase "Crazy bitches that run". I never understood it, couldn't even fathom it, therefore I rejected the idea completely. Once I got the insane idea to try and become one of those crazy bitches that run, my outlook changed and I began to see them more as equals as though there was an unspoken understanding because now I finally understood too.
 After my injury I felt a lot of sadness when I'd see people running. That sadness turned to anger and frustration which is why I basically silently swore it off and gave up (back in November). Fast forward to now. There's still sadness, some anger, and a fair amount of frustration but mostly it's just envy.
Fueled by this envy,  I decided that my knee isn't going to stand in my way anymore. I did what I was supposed to, followed the doctor's orders, I've tried other activities to strengthen my body, and now I'm just impatient and annoyed and don't want to keep having all these excuses keep me from doing it. I know I need to take it easy, I know I can't push my knee too hard, but damn if I'm going to sit around any longer. I will do whatever it is I'm capable of doing and as of now, that's enough for me. So when I see runners, I don't have to feel envious that they're out there and I'm not. I can be content with the fact that I was out there just the other day (not back in November).

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Week 10: March 5th-10th.... sickness took over

So turns out that possible allergies/sickness was full blown sickness. That's the hardest I've been hit by a sickness in years. I was out half of Tuesday, all of Wednesday and Thursday, managed to gather enough strength to power through Friday and was on the couch again Saturday. Finally, I am starting to feel a bit better. Normally I'll miss 1 class here or there when I'm feeling sick, but I don't think I've ever canceled entire days multiple times in a row. It was bad.

Despite that major set back (to which I am attributing my late entry) I was still able to find the time to do my 5 beneficial things for myself, they are as follows:

1. Actually stayed home sick from everything, whereas normally I'd try to power on through. I actually did try on Tuesday, but traffic stopped me (literally!) and I decided it was much smarter for me to turn around and head home and cancel my meeting and tell my professor I wouldn't be making it in. I made sure to really focus on rest and fluids, despite my frustration with lack of productivity.

2. I did yoga for the first time in a long while. I realized that a) I'm really not as flexible as I once was and b) how much I actually enjoy yoga (I had forgotten!)

3. On Saturday, when I was feeling a bit better, I decided to park about a half a mile from the shopping center where I was going to do my errands (grocery store, pick up prescription, go by the bank and the post office) All these buildings are near each other in a shopping center to which I normally park in the parking lot and walk around. It was such a beautiful day and I'd been feeling so useless from my days on the couch I made sure to park far enough away that I'd get about a mile and a half walk in while accomplishing my errands. Multitasking!

4. I actually wrote on here, not just for my weekly 5 beneficial things list posting. I find it so helpful to write out (or type out, rather) my thoughts and yet I make such little time lately to do this.

5. I went to my school's library...on a Sunday. Despite wanting to lay around all day and being painfully lazy, I made the 45mile drive to my school's library (that's dedication, eh!?) and holed up in there for a few hours scoring and assessment for a client and working on some other assignments. Did I mention it was beautiful and sunny out too? Making it that much more difficult to sit inside a library all day. BUT I was able to get a lot of necessary work accomplished.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

What is it about New York?

I've felt a pull toward New York long as I can remember.
I know I'm not alone in that, it's a pretty popular city for people to dream about.
For a lot of people it's about the "big city" feel, wanting to be a star, or being successful.
I'm not interested in all of that.
I don't know what it is about New York actually.
I've never been but I know better than to judge it on the movies and what I see on TV. So what is it that I'm drawn toward? I'm asking because I don't actually know.
I've just always felt I was supposed to be there.

I thought I had my answer when I decided to go to grad school and originally applied for masters programs. I found one right in the city, one that didn't seem too far out of my reach, unlike some which I knew I didn't have a shot in hell at. I got all my application materials together and sent them off to let fate take its course.
There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to move from Hawaii to New York, chop my long locks to an adorable short style, and be an entirely new person on the east coast. It was, in my eyes, the natural progression of things.
I was so sure of all of it. It felt like that was exactly what I was supposed to do.

The rejection letter from New York stung in a way I didn't know heart break could. I watched that vision that was so vivid in my mind crumble in a matter of seconds.
Once I decided to go for my Ph.D. I knew I couldn't spend the next 5 years living 3000 miles away in a different time zone from my family again. Doing it in Hawaii for almost 4 years was long enough for me.
I opted instead to only apply to schools on the west coast for Ph.D. programs.
I was accepted to only one program, in California. The state I used to swear up and down I'd never live in.
Here I am 2 and a half years later, a California inhabitant.
It's never felt right here. Despite the fact that there are so many similarities here to my original home and my home for the previous 4 years, something here just doesn't fit me.
 I can't help but wonder if it's that New York pull.
I know now that whatever that force is I've been feeling from New York will likely never amount to anything more than a week or 2 vacation. I'm tied to California for another year and a half at least, and after that it's 1 year in who knows where (wherever will have me for internship) and then by all the power in me, I will make it back finally make a home.
I'm not foolish enough to think I could actually get my internship there. Like I said before, it's a pretty popular city to dream about, which makes jobs/internships/housing/living there ridiculously competitive.
What is it about New York? Why do I feel like I was meant to be there? It's not a permanent feeling. I don't feel like I should live my life there, because I know my heart is and always will be with my family so unless they're all (and I mean all, cousins, aunts, and uncles too) packing up and heading east, my home will be built with them in the west.
I don't particularly enjoy living in small spaces, being around a ton of people, paying more than Ross prices for things... so what's the allure? Obviously there is more to New York than those things, but those things impact daily living...on a daily basis.
I'm hoping to look back on this whole things 30 years from now and go "Aha! now I get it, now I know why" but until then I'm just left wondering.
I guess I can't say never about anything. I thought I'd never live anywhere outside my hometown. I never imagined I'd live in Hawaii and I swore I'd never live in California. 

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Week 9: Feb 25th-March 4th...Home :D

Took a trip home for the weekend. It was a short trip: flew in on Saturday, left on Monday but I managed to accomplish what I set out to do, which was to revamp my emotional-psychological well being.
I did miss out on writing yesterday, because I didn't have computer access until I got home last night and I spent my few waking hours after arriving back with J, which is time much better spent since I knew I could just write here today.
Because of all of this, this posting will be a little different than past weeks. I figure since I managed to do so much over the short visit home, my 5 things this week would pretty much focus on that visit.
Here it goes:

1. Got to spend quality time with my niece and one of my nephews and  I got to see my goddaughters and actually spend time with them. We played with sidewalk chalk and I got to watch them ride their bikes. These types of things are more likely to imprint in their memories and I love getting to hear how their little minds operate.

2. I got to meet the newest addition to our extended family. My cousin Kass gave birth to an adorable little guy named Jace and thankfully, I just happened to be home to meet him. Perfect timing! He was 8lbs 14oz and 20in. I also got to see his big sister for a short moment...she's getting so big it's unbelievable.

3. I got to see both my parents, although not nearly for as long as I would have liked. Time with my parents is really, truly important to me. This is especially important for me because I have older parents than a lot of people my age, which means I'll likely have less years with them. Being away makes this realization all the much more difficult.

4. I got to spend time with my ultimate best friend-wife-soul mate. I absolutely love her and always feel rejuvenated after time with her. 

5. Coming home to J after being away. I always enjoy his company, and even though I wasn't away for that long,  that feeling after having been apart and being able to see him again just makes those everyday moments feel extra special.

Now I'm being viciously attacked by my allergies and its rendering me useless. I just canceled the rest of my day and am headed to the couch.