I'm late posting again. This time, I blame my mom. Also, this post is going to be short and sweet. Lots of internship application stuff to be doing. Oh and dinner, and dissertation, and practicum.... doh. Priorities. Internships apps tonight. After this, of course.
Also... I'm realizing that it has been a struggle to come up with things...which means I really need to work on upping the amount of pleasurable activities in my life. I'll work on that, eventually.
My 5 things:
1. Spent a day with J when he first got back watching silly scary movies like SCREAM (during the day, of course, because scary movies are too frightening at night...even if they're silly).
2. Spent some time this last week on my internship application materials.Probably not as much as I should, but progress is being made.
3. My mom came to visit this weekend. She took an RV road trip down with a friend of hers and had been staying about an hour an d a half northeast of us so she came west for the weekend. She had never been to visit since I'd moved down to CA (which was going on over 3 years now) and she's the 1st person to visit from my family since I lived in the east bay (going on a year and a half now).
4. We showed Mom around San Francisco on Saturday. She had never been anywhere but the airport so we decided she needed to see some of the great views and other tourist type places.
5. We took Mom to Napa Sunday and to the Golden Gate bridge. It was absolutely freezing and ridiculously windy, but we went any way!
Showing posts with label Moms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moms. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Week 25: June 17th-23rd 2013-Road trips to RENO
I'm posting late, again. It must be summer because I'm slacking on everything and feeling totally lazy. Although, I still have practicum and have to wake up at 4am some days for that and I am still working on research projects, since I don't have as hectic of a schedule and the end of the quarter was such a freaking nightmare I feel like I am still recovering from it. It also causes me to speak in run on sentences I guess.
My 5 things:
1. J and I went on a bike ride for the first time in months. We both had flats so we needed to get those repaired before we could set out. Unfortunately, I chose a bummer trail that wasn't suited for road bikes and we ended that early.
2. Went running once. I figured since I did the bike ride earlier in the week, that I would go running once and call it good for my knee.
3. We scoped out a nature preserve area I'd been wanting to check out pretty much since we moved to the east bay. We didn't ride there or really do too much bird watching, but we just checked it out for future use and snagged some pretty sweet photos. Hopefully we'll be returning soon because it was a pretty awesome place.
My 5 things:
1. J and I went on a bike ride for the first time in months. We both had flats so we needed to get those repaired before we could set out. Unfortunately, I chose a bummer trail that wasn't suited for road bikes and we ended that early.
2. Went running once. I figured since I did the bike ride earlier in the week, that I would go running once and call it good for my knee.
3. We scoped out a nature preserve area I'd been wanting to check out pretty much since we moved to the east bay. We didn't ride there or really do too much bird watching, but we just checked it out for future use and snagged some pretty sweet photos. Hopefully we'll be returning soon because it was a pretty awesome place.
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| Lucille :) |
4. I had a good talk with my mom on the phone. One of those where I am driving back from work on my hour long commute home. I love when I get a chance to really talk with her and hear about what is going on in her life.
5. J and I took a road trip to Reno. One of my sisters and some of her friends were there and my sister offered to pay our gas (as my birthday present from her) in order for us to be able to come and stay one night and see them. There was lots of food, tons of laughs, and entirely too much inebriation. My mom tells me I've been here before, back before I had hit double digits but I don't remember that trip. Interestingly enough, I don't remember too much of this last trip either but for very different reasons ;)
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Where we've been and where we're going
As I'm quickly coming upon the birthday that will bring me into the last year of my 20's, I have a number of things going through my mind. It's so easy to focus on what all we haven't done, how much time has gone by and all the opportunities that we've missed out on or have passed by and can no longer have or do.
Living in the world we do with such a focus on youth and beauty I already feel washed up and like a has-been before I've even turned 30.
Yesterday my best friend tells me that the doctors said she may have something I've only ever heard of in those commercials with wrinkly people with white hair who move slow. Some form of arthritis which I had to google in order to know what it was.
The grey hair started years ago, along with the traces of the years on my face. This is only going to continue. There is no turning back, youth leaves us a little bit more each day. I'll never be that 16 year old that could eat an entire marionberry pie in a day (that's 3,000 calories for the whole pie, by the way) followed by gallons of Mountain Dew and king sized Reese's the next day and still weigh 125lbs. Although, just the thought of all that sugar is actually making me a little nauseous. I've already noticed the impact of a life of 9 hours parked in a chair in an office and 2 hours a day sedentary as I commute. The disheartening thing, is that it only gets more difficult from here. I'm not 16 anymore and when I'm 40, I'll wish it were as simple as it was at 28 (despite how much I'm complaining now).
Today I was reading something my old English teacher wrote. She mentioned something about how she taught high school for the 1st 10 years of her career. I started thinking. When I sat in her class at the age of 15, I had no idea that this woman hadn't been teaching her entire life (when you're 15, everyone over 18 seems like they're 40...turns out she was only in her late 20's!) or that she wouldn't be doing that for the rest of her career. To me, she was a teacher. That's it. That is what she did. Looking back, I see that although she spent 10 years doing that, 10 years is not your entire career. She's expanding her career and doing more than what she was doing at 28. Granted, I'm much further behind than that. I'm not into my career yet, but I am working in my field. Right now it feels like grad school is taking forever and a life time. I'm putting so much on hold in order to be doing this right now. But when I'm in my 40's, will this 5 years really seem like a lifetime or will it feel, as with most things, that it was merely a blink of an eye. I keep getting so bogged down about decisions I've had to make recently and what doors they've closed for me...and maybe for the first 10 years of my career, those doors will have to remain shut. But what is to stop me from figuring out a way to spend the following 10 doing what I set out to do? Or expanding to include some of the things I am hoping I'll get to do someday. There are a lot of politics in my field, that will make it impossible for me to do what I really want right out of graduate school, and maybe I've been looking at this all wrong. I took that as "you'll never work in the area you want because you didn't get your foot in the door in graduate school". All it really means, is I won't get to work in my area of interest for awhile. Maybe for 5 or 10 years. Maybe 15. But who is to say it will never happen? As my former teacher modeled: even if you spend 10 years working in one area of your field, it does not define your career. You can shift, you can expand, you can go in another direction if you so choose and are willing to take the steps necessary. Maybe I need those 10 or 15 years working in different areas in order to be ready for the work I want to do.
Today marks my mother's 1st day of retirement. Talk about a woman who has lived a million life times and isn't even 65. I think that is, in part, what sparked me thinking about all of this. I didn't know my mom when she was 28 (I wasn't born for another 5 years) but I'm sure the plans she had for herself, with 4 children and on her 3rd marriage, were not the same plans she had when she was 40 with 6 children and working full time. Regardless of where her 28 year old self thought she'd be when she reached her 40's, life had its own plan. Now in her 60's, she embarking on a new chapter. All her children are grown, she's no longer tied to a job where she has to be somewhere and on someone's time-clock. She's starting something completely new that she's never done before. Even with all that life behind her, she's got (hopefully) many, many years ahead of herself.
We can spend all our time mourning what we don't have and what we've missed out on, or we can open our eyes and realize all that we have in front of us...right now.
Living in the world we do with such a focus on youth and beauty I already feel washed up and like a has-been before I've even turned 30.
Yesterday my best friend tells me that the doctors said she may have something I've only ever heard of in those commercials with wrinkly people with white hair who move slow. Some form of arthritis which I had to google in order to know what it was.
The grey hair started years ago, along with the traces of the years on my face. This is only going to continue. There is no turning back, youth leaves us a little bit more each day. I'll never be that 16 year old that could eat an entire marionberry pie in a day (that's 3,000 calories for the whole pie, by the way) followed by gallons of Mountain Dew and king sized Reese's the next day and still weigh 125lbs. Although, just the thought of all that sugar is actually making me a little nauseous. I've already noticed the impact of a life of 9 hours parked in a chair in an office and 2 hours a day sedentary as I commute. The disheartening thing, is that it only gets more difficult from here. I'm not 16 anymore and when I'm 40, I'll wish it were as simple as it was at 28 (despite how much I'm complaining now).
Today I was reading something my old English teacher wrote. She mentioned something about how she taught high school for the 1st 10 years of her career. I started thinking. When I sat in her class at the age of 15, I had no idea that this woman hadn't been teaching her entire life (when you're 15, everyone over 18 seems like they're 40...turns out she was only in her late 20's!) or that she wouldn't be doing that for the rest of her career. To me, she was a teacher. That's it. That is what she did. Looking back, I see that although she spent 10 years doing that, 10 years is not your entire career. She's expanding her career and doing more than what she was doing at 28. Granted, I'm much further behind than that. I'm not into my career yet, but I am working in my field. Right now it feels like grad school is taking forever and a life time. I'm putting so much on hold in order to be doing this right now. But when I'm in my 40's, will this 5 years really seem like a lifetime or will it feel, as with most things, that it was merely a blink of an eye. I keep getting so bogged down about decisions I've had to make recently and what doors they've closed for me...and maybe for the first 10 years of my career, those doors will have to remain shut. But what is to stop me from figuring out a way to spend the following 10 doing what I set out to do? Or expanding to include some of the things I am hoping I'll get to do someday. There are a lot of politics in my field, that will make it impossible for me to do what I really want right out of graduate school, and maybe I've been looking at this all wrong. I took that as "you'll never work in the area you want because you didn't get your foot in the door in graduate school". All it really means, is I won't get to work in my area of interest for awhile. Maybe for 5 or 10 years. Maybe 15. But who is to say it will never happen? As my former teacher modeled: even if you spend 10 years working in one area of your field, it does not define your career. You can shift, you can expand, you can go in another direction if you so choose and are willing to take the steps necessary. Maybe I need those 10 or 15 years working in different areas in order to be ready for the work I want to do.
Today marks my mother's 1st day of retirement. Talk about a woman who has lived a million life times and isn't even 65. I think that is, in part, what sparked me thinking about all of this. I didn't know my mom when she was 28 (I wasn't born for another 5 years) but I'm sure the plans she had for herself, with 4 children and on her 3rd marriage, were not the same plans she had when she was 40 with 6 children and working full time. Regardless of where her 28 year old self thought she'd be when she reached her 40's, life had its own plan. Now in her 60's, she embarking on a new chapter. All her children are grown, she's no longer tied to a job where she has to be somewhere and on someone's time-clock. She's starting something completely new that she's never done before. Even with all that life behind her, she's got (hopefully) many, many years ahead of herself.
We can spend all our time mourning what we don't have and what we've missed out on, or we can open our eyes and realize all that we have in front of us...right now.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Week 12: March 18th-24th...and I'm still waiting
I'm getting quite good at this waiting game.I did have my interview this week, and I think it went fairly. The site
seems awesome and I think I'd get a lot of good experience but due to
the politics involved in this practicum/internship/grad school ish... I
don't think it will give me the hours I need, and I wasn't exactly
qualified for the work. So I'm not betting on getting a placement. Still no word from any of the other 4 sites that haven't contacted me yet. Judging by the timeline, I think it's fairly clear I'll be a member of Clearing House this year (where those who don't get placed get to...start over and apply to new sites). I think if I just come to terms with that now, it won't be such a disappointment when Notification Day comes and my phone never rings.
My 5 things:
1. I had a long conversation with my mom about some events of our past that my family chose to sweep under the rug, and even after everything else came out, these incidents were never explained to me. Through asking questions, I actually learned a lot about my mom and about her childhood that I also never knew. This was actually one of the most honest conversations I've ever had with my mom in my entire life. It amazes me to hear the things my mother has endured in her life and reaffirms my belief that she is by far, one of the strongest women I have ever known.
2. I took some time out to write. I started writing my story some time ago, but have been somewhat avoidant of it due to the nature of the writing and the level of honesty I have to have with myself when I write. I know that someday, my story won't just be a file saved in a folder, I know that it is destined for more than that, but it is going to be a long process. I'll get there, I know I will. Each time I allow myself to open up and write I get that much closer.
3. I did Yoga twice this week. I wish I had time to do it more, well actually, I'm sure I could make time to do it more. So really, I wish I would make more time for it in my life but twice a week is better than nothing.
4. I watched the sunset and did some evening birdwatching over in Alameda alone. It was so beautiful out and there were tons of birds to be seen. I went a little late and didn't have much sunlight left, but it was a nice quiet time to myself. I'd like for J to join me next time.
5. Went to the movies with J on Friday night. We went to see the very silly movie, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. It was as expected, over-the-top ridiculous, a little gross, and very slapstick but what else would come from that combination of actors? J was less impressed but I went in expecting pretty much what I got out of it so I was satisfied. But daaaammnnn movies are expensive. $11.50 each per ticket. We need to remember that matinee is the way to go.
My 5 things:
1. I had a long conversation with my mom about some events of our past that my family chose to sweep under the rug, and even after everything else came out, these incidents were never explained to me. Through asking questions, I actually learned a lot about my mom and about her childhood that I also never knew. This was actually one of the most honest conversations I've ever had with my mom in my entire life. It amazes me to hear the things my mother has endured in her life and reaffirms my belief that she is by far, one of the strongest women I have ever known.
2. I took some time out to write. I started writing my story some time ago, but have been somewhat avoidant of it due to the nature of the writing and the level of honesty I have to have with myself when I write. I know that someday, my story won't just be a file saved in a folder, I know that it is destined for more than that, but it is going to be a long process. I'll get there, I know I will. Each time I allow myself to open up and write I get that much closer.
3. I did Yoga twice this week. I wish I had time to do it more, well actually, I'm sure I could make time to do it more. So really, I wish I would make more time for it in my life but twice a week is better than nothing.
4. I watched the sunset and did some evening birdwatching over in Alameda alone. It was so beautiful out and there were tons of birds to be seen. I went a little late and didn't have much sunlight left, but it was a nice quiet time to myself. I'd like for J to join me next time.
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| View of SF from Alameda |
Monday, January 21, 2013
Week 3: Jan 21st-27th.... and SUCCESSES!
This Monday's been a little different as J didn't go into the woodshop as per usual and stayed home instead. There was definitely a pull away from work-related responsibilities and a later start than usual but I still managed to work out this morning, get a lot of work accomplished for school/dissertation and dinner for tomorrow night in the crock-pot (although tonight's dinner is still semi-undecided as of yet, but it's not yet 5pm).
Although, I am writing here later than I'd planned and also forgot to do it, but am fitting it in just before I allow myself the pleasure of time with J on the couch.
As for this past week's list of 5 things:
1. I had a really good conversation with my mom on the phone. I'm finally at the point in life where I've come to terms with the fact that my mother is but a mere mortal who has made mistakes and done things wrong in life and I've forgiven her for not being the super-hero subhuman I once expected her to be. We're finally at a point where we are able to connect, as friends. Being able to have these conversations with her where I know we're both being real, where I'm not worried about "what my mom will think" or about her "overreacting", where I'm treating her like an equal and not above or below me is really something special. Not every woman gets to this point with their mother, and not everyone has a mother such as mine that this type of relationship is even possible. I know I'm very lucky.
2. J had never seen any of the Harry Potter movies (can you believe it!?!?) and me being the fanatic that I am about them, was thrilled when he expressed a willingness (or more so just did not completely object to) the idea of watching all 8 of the movies with me. We started the series this weekend and actually got through movies 1-4 in the past week. I love being able to indulge in something that I'm so enthralled with and even more so, to be able to share it with someone I love and have them actually enjoying it too!
3. Got a pedicure yesterday. It was actually a treat for J's birthday, but I of course reap the benefits as well :) So relaxing!
4. I tried a new recipe last night for J's birthday dinner. Stromboli, his favorite. I've never attempted it and ended up free stylin' the recipe to suit what I had on hand and my preferences and it ended up a HUGE success! It's hard to surprise him with a "home cooked dinner" or special "birthday dessert" since he gets home cooked meals almost every night of the week. This recipe showed me that I've still got lots of successes up my sleeve.
5. I made a goal for myself for my work on my dissertation to read 10 articles per week. Ok, so it wasn't so much a personal goal as my research adviser told me "You should be reading 10-15 articles per week" and I was like "Say whaaaaaaaa?!?!?!? That's impossible!" So after some sulking and anger about that fact, I decided it just needed to get done. So I started out reading at least 1 article per day (some days 2) in order to meet the goal(ahem...requirement) of at least 10 articles per week. And low and behold, I am accomplishing it!
Oh and one more thing. Last Wednesday, after almost a week of the painful waiting and watching other people bask in the APA glory I got the notification that I got accepted!!! I am going to APA in Hawaii in August to present a poster! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! This goal I set out when I first began graduate school in 2010 has become a REALITY!! :D
I don't know how on earth I'll pay for it, but we'll worry about that later. For now, I'm allowing myself to just be proud of my accomplishment :)
Although, I am writing here later than I'd planned and also forgot to do it, but am fitting it in just before I allow myself the pleasure of time with J on the couch.
As for this past week's list of 5 things:
1. I had a really good conversation with my mom on the phone. I'm finally at the point in life where I've come to terms with the fact that my mother is but a mere mortal who has made mistakes and done things wrong in life and I've forgiven her for not being the super-hero subhuman I once expected her to be. We're finally at a point where we are able to connect, as friends. Being able to have these conversations with her where I know we're both being real, where I'm not worried about "what my mom will think" or about her "overreacting", where I'm treating her like an equal and not above or below me is really something special. Not every woman gets to this point with their mother, and not everyone has a mother such as mine that this type of relationship is even possible. I know I'm very lucky.
2. J had never seen any of the Harry Potter movies (can you believe it!?!?) and me being the fanatic that I am about them, was thrilled when he expressed a willingness (or more so just did not completely object to) the idea of watching all 8 of the movies with me. We started the series this weekend and actually got through movies 1-4 in the past week. I love being able to indulge in something that I'm so enthralled with and even more so, to be able to share it with someone I love and have them actually enjoying it too!
3. Got a pedicure yesterday. It was actually a treat for J's birthday, but I of course reap the benefits as well :) So relaxing!
4. I tried a new recipe last night for J's birthday dinner. Stromboli, his favorite. I've never attempted it and ended up free stylin' the recipe to suit what I had on hand and my preferences and it ended up a HUGE success! It's hard to surprise him with a "home cooked dinner" or special "birthday dessert" since he gets home cooked meals almost every night of the week. This recipe showed me that I've still got lots of successes up my sleeve.
5. I made a goal for myself for my work on my dissertation to read 10 articles per week. Ok, so it wasn't so much a personal goal as my research adviser told me "You should be reading 10-15 articles per week" and I was like "Say whaaaaaaaa?!?!?!? That's impossible!" So after some sulking and anger about that fact, I decided it just needed to get done. So I started out reading at least 1 article per day (some days 2) in order to meet the goal(ahem...requirement) of at least 10 articles per week. And low and behold, I am accomplishing it!
Oh and one more thing. Last Wednesday, after almost a week of the painful waiting and watching other people bask in the APA glory I got the notification that I got accepted!!! I am going to APA in Hawaii in August to present a poster! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! This goal I set out when I first began graduate school in 2010 has become a REALITY!! :D
I don't know how on earth I'll pay for it, but we'll worry about that later. For now, I'm allowing myself to just be proud of my accomplishment :)
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I don't Know How She Does it.
I've got a soft spot for Sarah Jessica Parker. I have always adored her, and my late-onset-obsession with Sex and the City (I'd never seen an episode until my mom bought me the series for my birthday in '07, when it had been off the air for about 3 years by then) only further solidified my love for her.
So when I saw the preview for her new movie, I was all for it.
Not to mention I thought it was a wonderful concept. A woman with a career, children, a husband... juggling it all in an quirky, light-hearted way.
That was until my best friend Starry informed me that the movie is actually based on a book, that she had read for a class in college.
She said I needed to read the book. Then she went one step further, because I mentioned needing to pick up an audio book for my 12 hour drive down to CA that weekend and low and behold, she actually had an audio book of it and gave it to me for my trek down south.
The actual book, by Allison Pearson, was just over 6 hours long in audio book form. It was an excellent accompaniment to a 12 hour car ride alone.
Although, as I mentioned before, 12 hours is a long time to be inside your own head.
The life of Kate Reddy starts off with her trying to juggle being a good mother and having a successful career, keeping up good appearances, having enough time to do it all and going to great lengths to get it all done and keep everything in line.
As I'm listening to this story, of course I can relate. Now, I don't have children, or a husband (or an actual career for that matter!) So there are certainly elements of the story that don't exactly fit for me, but there are overarching themes; trying to juggle everything and feeling like you're failing at everything simultaneously.
For me, I'm juggling: School work, class load, practicum duties, seeing clients, supervision, conducting research, meetings, studying, reading, a long distance relationship, a close-knit family I'm far from and attempting to stay in touch and keep up to date with them, trying to have somewhat of a social life, work oh and sleep too. I like to get some time for that too.
I'm also a female, although my guy friends would beg to differ and still give me a hard time if I ever (which I seldom ever do with them) show up in a skirt. I was blessed with the nicknames Finkle and Einhorn the first time I tried that. That is not to say that males do not feel pressure. Not what I am saying at all.
I am talking about that inner voice, I'm not sure what it is exactly, that females have. That constant battle that is occurring inside a woman about being a good mother versus being good at her job. Society seems to be a firm believer we can't be both. I'm not even a parent yet and I already feel the tug-of-war inside me.
It's already begun because I am 27 and childless. When I was younger and heard about a woman's "biological clock" I just pictures a big pocket watch like the one the white rabbit carried around in Alice in Wonderland floating around inside a woman's body.
I never understood that there is literally a pressure so heavy you can almost hear it ticking inside. When my mother was my age she had already given birth to one child with a 2nd on the way and two step sons, my sister already had given birth to two with a step son and my best friend who is my exact same age already has a 2nd grader and 4 year old, not to mention my many, many cousins who have children. There are still a good number of us in the family that don't, and I know I can't filter that information out completely.
To get back on track here, I am a 27 year old graduate student, pursuing her Ph.D. Which means that I will graduate (if I'm lucky!) when I'm 31. I don't think I need to do the math on how many good-baby-producing years that leaves me with post graduation. So my choices are: wait to have children and be an "older mother" which, having older parents is something I am very aware of. My peers have parents who are in their 40's.. I have siblings in their 40's. Or, have children while in grad school and attempt to juggle practicum/classes/research/work/internship/exams/dissertation all with a baby on my hip.
People say "but you chose that path" and They're right, I did. I chose education and I chose the long road, and I took so long to figure that out, that I'm doing it later than a lot of people. I take full responsibility for that and stand behind that choice.
The part I'm having a hard time with is: No matter which decision or path I choose, I feel like I'm losing. I can put school/career on hold or on the back burner or say screw it all together and become a mother and likely resent my children and myself for losing out on one of my biggest passions, OR I can choose to put the family life on hold, pursue my career become successful and either not have kids, or have them much later where I will then resent my job and myself for giving my children less time with their mother (daily time as well as longevity since I'll be a much older mother).
All these thoughts have been in my mind for many years, I can usually brush them aside, quiet them with distractions, or focus on other things. When I'm stuck in a car, by myself, listening to the life of Kate Reddy, and listening to her failing at handling everything and *Spoil Alert* in the end GIVING UP HER JOB..for her children and her husband... it only makes me feel that much more overwhelmed and hopeless that a woman can, in fact, do it all.
Every story (fiction or otherwise) seems to point in the direction of women thinking they can do it all, but coming to the conclusion that being a mother triumphs all other efforts and if you want to be a good one, you've got to give in..and know your role.
Although, I can't lie...I'll probably still see the movie.
So when I saw the preview for her new movie, I was all for it.
That was until my best friend Starry informed me that the movie is actually based on a book, that she had read for a class in college.
She said I needed to read the book. Then she went one step further, because I mentioned needing to pick up an audio book for my 12 hour drive down to CA that weekend and low and behold, she actually had an audio book of it and gave it to me for my trek down south.
The actual book, by Allison Pearson, was just over 6 hours long in audio book form. It was an excellent accompaniment to a 12 hour car ride alone.
Although, as I mentioned before, 12 hours is a long time to be inside your own head.
The life of Kate Reddy starts off with her trying to juggle being a good mother and having a successful career, keeping up good appearances, having enough time to do it all and going to great lengths to get it all done and keep everything in line.
For me, I'm juggling: School work, class load, practicum duties, seeing clients, supervision, conducting research, meetings, studying, reading, a long distance relationship, a close-knit family I'm far from and attempting to stay in touch and keep up to date with them, trying to have somewhat of a social life, work oh and sleep too. I like to get some time for that too.
I'm also a female, although my guy friends would beg to differ and still give me a hard time if I ever (which I seldom ever do with them) show up in a skirt. I was blessed with the nicknames Finkle and Einhorn the first time I tried that. That is not to say that males do not feel pressure. Not what I am saying at all.
I am talking about that inner voice, I'm not sure what it is exactly, that females have. That constant battle that is occurring inside a woman about being a good mother versus being good at her job. Society seems to be a firm believer we can't be both. I'm not even a parent yet and I already feel the tug-of-war inside me.
It's already begun because I am 27 and childless. When I was younger and heard about a woman's "biological clock" I just pictures a big pocket watch like the one the white rabbit carried around in Alice in Wonderland floating around inside a woman's body.
To get back on track here, I am a 27 year old graduate student, pursuing her Ph.D. Which means that I will graduate (if I'm lucky!) when I'm 31. I don't think I need to do the math on how many good-baby-producing years that leaves me with post graduation. So my choices are: wait to have children and be an "older mother" which, having older parents is something I am very aware of. My peers have parents who are in their 40's.. I have siblings in their 40's. Or, have children while in grad school and attempt to juggle practicum/classes/research/work/internship/exams/dissertation all with a baby on my hip.
People say "but you chose that path" and They're right, I did. I chose education and I chose the long road, and I took so long to figure that out, that I'm doing it later than a lot of people. I take full responsibility for that and stand behind that choice.
The part I'm having a hard time with is: No matter which decision or path I choose, I feel like I'm losing. I can put school/career on hold or on the back burner or say screw it all together and become a mother and likely resent my children and myself for losing out on one of my biggest passions, OR I can choose to put the family life on hold, pursue my career become successful and either not have kids, or have them much later where I will then resent my job and myself for giving my children less time with their mother (daily time as well as longevity since I'll be a much older mother).
All these thoughts have been in my mind for many years, I can usually brush them aside, quiet them with distractions, or focus on other things. When I'm stuck in a car, by myself, listening to the life of Kate Reddy, and listening to her failing at handling everything and *Spoil Alert* in the end GIVING UP HER JOB..for her children and her husband... it only makes me feel that much more overwhelmed and hopeless that a woman can, in fact, do it all.
Every story (fiction or otherwise) seems to point in the direction of women thinking they can do it all, but coming to the conclusion that being a mother triumphs all other efforts and if you want to be a good one, you've got to give in..and know your role.
Although, I can't lie...I'll probably still see the movie.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day 2011
It's Mother's Day today.
Unfortunately, I'm 700 miles away from my mom and unable to spend the day with her. I of course, made sure that a package got to her with a tear-jerker of a card before the big day, but I'd rather just be able to be with her. I've lived away from home since 2007 so I should be used to this whole missing holidays thing. While it does get easier, it never gets easy.
My mother is honestly, one of the most amazing women I know. I'm sure most people say that about their own mothers. It's like everyone thinks they have the cutest baby in the world. They can't all be that adorable, but everyone seems to think theirs is the most precious.
The difference here, is that my mom is not perfect, by any means. But that is precisely why I think she's absolutely wonderful. It used to disappoint me, when I was younger that my mom didn't look like the other mothers, that she dressed similar to me, that we rarely had dinner as a family and that she worked so much. Now, one of the things I love the most about my mother is her unconventional view of a woman's role (although she definitely still has some dated views) but I grew up seeing that a woman could in fact, work full time, and be a mother and while some things were sacrificed to accomplish this, she got it done. I have impeccable work ethic, and I owe that to both my parents of course, since they're both always been hard workers, but I owe it mostly to my mother. My strong, female role in my life that showed me a woman's place is not just in the home. That a woman can work hard, can raise a family, and do it all while looking beautiful. Now, like I said, some sacrifices were made. I did not have the mother who was waiting for me when I got home from school, or that baked, or cooked dinner, or read me bedtime stories.
What I did have was a dynamic combination of parents. I spent a lot more time with my dad growing up, because he had a more flexible work schedule. I did not have the typical stay at home mom/working father childhood. I couldn't be more thankful for that.
I have grown into the kind of woman, that does not believe a man should support me, or even be the bread winner. I am the kind of woman, that wants to go after my dreams and I'll allow a man along for the ride.
I am who I am, because of my mother.
Unfortunately, I'm 700 miles away from my mom and unable to spend the day with her. I of course, made sure that a package got to her with a tear-jerker of a card before the big day, but I'd rather just be able to be with her. I've lived away from home since 2007 so I should be used to this whole missing holidays thing. While it does get easier, it never gets easy.
My mother is honestly, one of the most amazing women I know. I'm sure most people say that about their own mothers. It's like everyone thinks they have the cutest baby in the world. They can't all be that adorable, but everyone seems to think theirs is the most precious.
 |
| Christmas '85 |
The difference here, is that my mom is not perfect, by any means. But that is precisely why I think she's absolutely wonderful. It used to disappoint me, when I was younger that my mom didn't look like the other mothers, that she dressed similar to me, that we rarely had dinner as a family and that she worked so much. Now, one of the things I love the most about my mother is her unconventional view of a woman's role (although she definitely still has some dated views) but I grew up seeing that a woman could in fact, work full time, and be a mother and while some things were sacrificed to accomplish this, she got it done. I have impeccable work ethic, and I owe that to both my parents of course, since they're both always been hard workers, but I owe it mostly to my mother. My strong, female role in my life that showed me a woman's place is not just in the home. That a woman can work hard, can raise a family, and do it all while looking beautiful. Now, like I said, some sacrifices were made. I did not have the mother who was waiting for me when I got home from school, or that baked, or cooked dinner, or read me bedtime stories.
 | ||
| My undergrad graduation 2009 |
I have grown into the kind of woman, that does not believe a man should support me, or even be the bread winner. I am the kind of woman, that wants to go after my dreams and I'll allow a man along for the ride.
I am who I am, because of my mother.
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