Today my best friend gave birth for the 3rd time, to her first son.
It's hard to be 700 miles away when it happened.
I witnessed her give birth to her two daughters, 10 years ago and 7 years ago.
I was able to be in the room and be a part of the experience. Those two are the only live births I've ever seen, and it was absolutely amazing to be able to watch my goddaughters coming into this world and taking their first breath. Even as a 20 year old, watching that first child be born I knew it was a special experience to be a part of, regardless of almost fainting ( I handled the 2nd one MUCH better and even got to be the photographer).
It breaks my heart a little that I wasn't able to do the same for this special little man as he entered the world this morning. I even looked into flights when she texted me yesterday that her water broke, but I knew I didn't have the money (and definitely not for $500 round trip for a flight that, on a good day can cost only about $140). I know she understands. I know that little boy won't know the difference and will never hold it against me for not being there... although I wasn't there for my nephew's birth and he always brings it up (but he is doing so more to make fun of me since I wasn't there because I "ran away" from home that night...being the unruly teenager that I was).
This monumental event on the same day that so many little ones (my niece and nephews included) started school today. I didn't even know one of my nephews was starting kindergarten, and now I feel like a terrible aunt. I know that I wouldn't actually be there in the morning to send each one off to school, but if I weren't so far away I don't think it would hurt this much. Those 1st day of school photos signify that they're another year older and it's another year I'm missing out on (and so disconnected not to know my own nephew is starting kindergarten!). If I were closer, I'd know these things, I'd see them more than a few times a year. I'm envious of everyone who gets to see these rascals growing up and experience memories with them on a weekly basis. I blame my family for being so incredibly close that when you're away it feels like everyone got asked to the dance but you and you got assigned to pass out the punch. Why do all my examples refer to high school situations? I'm starting to think I'm one of those people, who never let go of high school... but those people are supposed to be the ones who never made anything of themselves, right? Oy! OR I just use high school examples because they're so easy to relate to for everyone, yeah let's go with that.
Well I'm just a pile of sappy right now.
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Failure or Success: Where do I stand?
It's that time again, where I feel like I'm failing miserably at everything.
Some things, I genuinely am failing at, of course not completely, but to a certain extent.
Take my writing: I update on 9/30, claiming I need to make an actual effort at writing, and here I am not posting again until 11/4.
Therefore, when it comes to writing, I am actually failing.
Grad school: This has a way of making me feel like I am always failing, no matter how productive or accomplished I am being, because there will forever and always be more that I should be doing.
There is always another paper I need to be writing, another article I need to be reading, another topic I should be researching, more data I need to be analyzing. Even when I check off every single thing off my list for that week/month/quarter...there is another list that has yet to be written (which is just another thing I need to do!) with requirements that need to be done that just haven't made it to paper yet but are floating in my head.
There is no real way to ever feel as though I'm not failing when it comes to school, it's a losing battle that way.
My running: I've got an injury, so at least I've got somewhat of an excuse, but even the idea of having an excuse as to why it is ok to fail, makes me feel like I'm failing. I've been actively working on doing the stretches given to me by the doctor, I actually completed the 3 full weeks of doing them 3 times per day and started testing out my knee by running (very, very small runs) a few times a week, but even then I start out with 3 tiny runs per week, then the next week I fall off the mark and don't run at all, and then the next week I run 1 or 2 times or I "forget" to do my stretches (which are now down to just once a day, since the 2x per day is no longer necessary). That isn't going to help my injury and I know that, so what the hell am I doing?
I'm not totally failing at my running, but I'm not doing much succeeding there either.
My self-care: I'm not a disheveled mess. I still manage to shower daily and do my hair and make-up too. So, I'm not failing in that area, but I'm not going above and beyond in it either. I definitely am doing the bare minimum to not be totally ashamed of myself, and I realize that my bare minimum is actually a lot more than a lot of people's extra fancy but I'm not focused on what others are doing that I'm not, I'm more focused on what I normally do that I'm no longer doing. I take pride in myself, or at least I used to. I don't think this is even something that those on the outside would even notice the difference, but I do... and really, that is what concerns me, not what others see but what I see.
So the jury is still out on this area, but again... I wouldn't call any of it a success.
My relationship: I never know how much of this area I am to blame solely, since it takes two here but I suppose when something is amiss, it does not matter who is at fault, since both parties suffer. We're both so damn stressed out all the time and frustrated with our own careers/goals/set backs its hard to find the time to actually enjoy each other because by the time there is any free space for that, one of us is always preoccupied with some frustration we've got going on in the background we're not really present anyway. I think we both need to learn to press pause. I think this comes with time, with patience, with age, with dedication.
We're better at it than I think we used to be, but I think it's a long process couples take years to accomplish, and really...we've only been living together for going on 4 months so I think maybe I'll call this a half-success ;)
All in all, I am not pleased with my performance. If this were a review, I'd be getting a C- here. I'm not a complete waste of space, but improvement is most definitely required if productivity and success are the desired outcomes.
Some things, I genuinely am failing at, of course not completely, but to a certain extent.
Take my writing: I update on 9/30, claiming I need to make an actual effort at writing, and here I am not posting again until 11/4.
Therefore, when it comes to writing, I am actually failing.
Grad school: This has a way of making me feel like I am always failing, no matter how productive or accomplished I am being, because there will forever and always be more that I should be doing.
There is always another paper I need to be writing, another article I need to be reading, another topic I should be researching, more data I need to be analyzing. Even when I check off every single thing off my list for that week/month/quarter...there is another list that has yet to be written (which is just another thing I need to do!) with requirements that need to be done that just haven't made it to paper yet but are floating in my head.
There is no real way to ever feel as though I'm not failing when it comes to school, it's a losing battle that way.
My running: I've got an injury, so at least I've got somewhat of an excuse, but even the idea of having an excuse as to why it is ok to fail, makes me feel like I'm failing. I've been actively working on doing the stretches given to me by the doctor, I actually completed the 3 full weeks of doing them 3 times per day and started testing out my knee by running (very, very small runs) a few times a week, but even then I start out with 3 tiny runs per week, then the next week I fall off the mark and don't run at all, and then the next week I run 1 or 2 times or I "forget" to do my stretches (which are now down to just once a day, since the 2x per day is no longer necessary). That isn't going to help my injury and I know that, so what the hell am I doing?
I'm not totally failing at my running, but I'm not doing much succeeding there either.
My self-care: I'm not a disheveled mess. I still manage to shower daily and do my hair and make-up too. So, I'm not failing in that area, but I'm not going above and beyond in it either. I definitely am doing the bare minimum to not be totally ashamed of myself, and I realize that my bare minimum is actually a lot more than a lot of people's extra fancy but I'm not focused on what others are doing that I'm not, I'm more focused on what I normally do that I'm no longer doing. I take pride in myself, or at least I used to. I don't think this is even something that those on the outside would even notice the difference, but I do... and really, that is what concerns me, not what others see but what I see.
So the jury is still out on this area, but again... I wouldn't call any of it a success.
My relationship: I never know how much of this area I am to blame solely, since it takes two here but I suppose when something is amiss, it does not matter who is at fault, since both parties suffer. We're both so damn stressed out all the time and frustrated with our own careers/goals/set backs its hard to find the time to actually enjoy each other because by the time there is any free space for that, one of us is always preoccupied with some frustration we've got going on in the background we're not really present anyway. I think we both need to learn to press pause. I think this comes with time, with patience, with age, with dedication.
We're better at it than I think we used to be, but I think it's a long process couples take years to accomplish, and really...we've only been living together for going on 4 months so I think maybe I'll call this a half-success ;)
All in all, I am not pleased with my performance. If this were a review, I'd be getting a C- here. I'm not a complete waste of space, but improvement is most definitely required if productivity and success are the desired outcomes.
Monday, April 30, 2012
My 1st Poster Presentation
Saturday marked another big day for me.
April 28th, 2012 I presented my very first poster at my very first conference.
I presented as first author at the Western Psychological Association (WPA) conference.
Up until I did so, I did not honestly think much of it. I mean, I knew that it was important in the sense that being first author is not something to come by easily. Depending on your research adviser, you could go your entire graduate career without ever being first author on anything. Granted, this is just a poster, and not a paper or an article or anything, but it is still worth something.
I didn't think much of it until, when it was time to set up, we were walking in to the room and my adviser turns to me and says, "Hey... Congratulations!" and I awkwardly laughed and thanked him, but then I realized... this is something to be congratulated about. I have put a lot of work into this, and now I get some recognition, some end result of pay off for all my time and effort.
We didn't have too many people ask questions, but those that did were surprisingly interested in it. I myself was not that interested in the topic, so for me I was shocked other people actually found it interesting enough to ask further questions. Most people at poster sessions just sort of skim over it quickly when passing by, some may even stop in front of your poster to read further, but not too many people ask questions unless it is something they're interested in.
I've never thought of myself as a "researcher". I mean I barely passed Stats last year, it's just never been my strong suit.
But there I was, with another member discussing future research topics we could explore before we even presented our current data. Granted, we are motivated by external forces, i.e: APA convention is in Hawaii next year :) but regardless, we were actually getting semi-excited about possible research ideas.
No matter the reason, I never thought I'd be excited about research.
It's amazing what the right mentor can inspire you to do.
I have my annual student evaluation with my adviser tomorrow. Initially I wasn't looking forward to it, but I actually feel like I've accomplished something this year. :)
April 28th, 2012 I presented my very first poster at my very first conference.
I presented as first author at the Western Psychological Association (WPA) conference.
Up until I did so, I did not honestly think much of it. I mean, I knew that it was important in the sense that being first author is not something to come by easily. Depending on your research adviser, you could go your entire graduate career without ever being first author on anything. Granted, this is just a poster, and not a paper or an article or anything, but it is still worth something.
I didn't think much of it until, when it was time to set up, we were walking in to the room and my adviser turns to me and says, "Hey... Congratulations!" and I awkwardly laughed and thanked him, but then I realized... this is something to be congratulated about. I have put a lot of work into this, and now I get some recognition, some end result of pay off for all my time and effort.
We didn't have too many people ask questions, but those that did were surprisingly interested in it. I myself was not that interested in the topic, so for me I was shocked other people actually found it interesting enough to ask further questions. Most people at poster sessions just sort of skim over it quickly when passing by, some may even stop in front of your poster to read further, but not too many people ask questions unless it is something they're interested in.
I've never thought of myself as a "researcher". I mean I barely passed Stats last year, it's just never been my strong suit.
But there I was, with another member discussing future research topics we could explore before we even presented our current data. Granted, we are motivated by external forces, i.e: APA convention is in Hawaii next year :) but regardless, we were actually getting semi-excited about possible research ideas.
No matter the reason, I never thought I'd be excited about research.
It's amazing what the right mentor can inspire you to do.
I have my annual student evaluation with my adviser tomorrow. Initially I wasn't looking forward to it, but I actually feel like I've accomplished something this year. :)
Saturday, November 12, 2011
8 hours of brain power
8 hours of paper writing.
That's how I've spent my day. I've some how managed to complete18 pages of the 15 page paper but only 17 pages of the 30 page paper.
I'm so drained. I can't even think straight.
I've also been listening to Christmas music for the majority of that time.
I made a Christmas mix on Spotify of a bunch of my favorite Christmas tunes and have been rocking out to it during this grueling paper writing process.
The result of 8 ours of brain usage=
Bad decisions involving Pizza. I couldn't be bothered to cook, or think, or function. I did go and pick this up though, and saved myself a delivery charge because I felt guilt about spending so much money on Pizza when I have plenty of food at home.
I still have 13 pages to go. I'm not sure that is going to be completed tonight...and honestly, I think I am ok with that. I have to work tomorrow at 6am, so I don't want to be up half the night working on this stuff. I think my brain is pretty shot any way.
When I called the pizza place earlier to place my order was proof of my inability to function:
Pizza Place: Hi, delivery, pick up or dine in?
Me: Oh, um, I want... well pick up, yes, sorry.
PP: Ok, Area code and phone number
Me: Well, whichever one I just called, but now I'm unsure...
PP: No ma'am, I mean what is your phone number and area code, not the restaurant's.
Me: Oh my goodness, well, um of course.
Brain function failure. I cannot wait for Wednesday to be over. I don't even care that I have yet another painful dentist appointment scheduled for Thursday. At this point, I'd gladly take that just to know I'm done with the hellishness that is Wednesday: 30 min oral presentation, 15 page paper and 30 page paper due, session with my client, clinic duty, progress note writing and volunteering to play a "client" for another student's project.
Oh Thursday, where are you???
That's how I've spent my day. I've some how managed to complete18 pages of the 15 page paper but only 17 pages of the 30 page paper.
 |
| The barricade I made for myself |
I'm so drained. I can't even think straight.
I've also been listening to Christmas music for the majority of that time.
I made a Christmas mix on Spotify of a bunch of my favorite Christmas tunes and have been rocking out to it during this grueling paper writing process.
The result of 8 ours of brain usage=
I still have 13 pages to go. I'm not sure that is going to be completed tonight...and honestly, I think I am ok with that. I have to work tomorrow at 6am, so I don't want to be up half the night working on this stuff. I think my brain is pretty shot any way.
When I called the pizza place earlier to place my order was proof of my inability to function:
Pizza Place: Hi, delivery, pick up or dine in?
Me: Oh, um, I want... well pick up, yes, sorry.
PP: Ok, Area code and phone number
Me: Well, whichever one I just called, but now I'm unsure...
PP: No ma'am, I mean what is your phone number and area code, not the restaurant's.
Me: Oh my goodness, well, um of course.
Brain function failure. I cannot wait for Wednesday to be over. I don't even care that I have yet another painful dentist appointment scheduled for Thursday. At this point, I'd gladly take that just to know I'm done with the hellishness that is Wednesday: 30 min oral presentation, 15 page paper and 30 page paper due, session with my client, clinic duty, progress note writing and volunteering to play a "client" for another student's project.
Oh Thursday, where are you???
Friday, November 11, 2011
Holidays, oh and school too of course.
I absolutely love, love, love the holidays.
They are not what they used to be. Our family has undergone a lot of changes over the years due to some very unfortunate events, and the holidays are nothing of what they used to be, but aside from all of that, this time of year makes my heart happy.
When I was living in Hawaii there were a lot of years I was not able to go home for Thanksgiving. Thankfully, now that I'm living in California, the hour and 45 min flight (that costs much less than a 6 hour $500+ flight from Hawaii) has allowed me to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas (Thank you Southwest for your incredible deals!!!).
I go home in 12 days for Thanksgiving! Which is wonderful and stressful at the same time. It means I have 12 days until Fall quarter is over which means I have 5 days until I have a 30+ page paper, a 15+ page paper AND a 30 min oral presentation due. I cannot wait for November 17th, it means I will have all of that stuff behind me and just one more final to worry about the following week, and I can handle that.
All these papers/presentation, however, are stressing me out!! I have devoted this weekend to completing these, along with my usual homework. I am not allowing myself to do anything of enjoyment this weekend because I absolutely have got to be productive and get all of that accomplished.
I finally pushed through my latest slump on 'lacking-all-motivation-for-anything-school-related" last weekend and was able to get at least a rough start to most of what is due next week. (Thank goodness!) but I still have a long, long way to go.
I was actually at a dinner party last night with a group of 1st years (those who started the program this year) and I found myself saying "Oh no, 2nd year is much, much better, I'm way less stressed than I was 1st year." and then following that up with comments about the 30+ page and 15+ page paper I have looming and they looked puzzled and said "And you think 2nd year is easier?!?"
It's possible I've just learned to dissociate from the stress now, and don't even realize how overwhelmed I'm actually feeling.
Some how a post about the holidays, inevitably ended up being a post about school and stress. Story of my life. :)
They are not what they used to be. Our family has undergone a lot of changes over the years due to some very unfortunate events, and the holidays are nothing of what they used to be, but aside from all of that, this time of year makes my heart happy.
When I was living in Hawaii there were a lot of years I was not able to go home for Thanksgiving. Thankfully, now that I'm living in California, the hour and 45 min flight (that costs much less than a 6 hour $500+ flight from Hawaii) has allowed me to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas (Thank you Southwest for your incredible deals!!!).
I go home in 12 days for Thanksgiving! Which is wonderful and stressful at the same time. It means I have 12 days until Fall quarter is over which means I have 5 days until I have a 30+ page paper, a 15+ page paper AND a 30 min oral presentation due. I cannot wait for November 17th, it means I will have all of that stuff behind me and just one more final to worry about the following week, and I can handle that.
All these papers/presentation, however, are stressing me out!! I have devoted this weekend to completing these, along with my usual homework. I am not allowing myself to do anything of enjoyment this weekend because I absolutely have got to be productive and get all of that accomplished.
I finally pushed through my latest slump on 'lacking-all-motivation-for-anything-school-related" last weekend and was able to get at least a rough start to most of what is due next week. (Thank goodness!) but I still have a long, long way to go.
I was actually at a dinner party last night with a group of 1st years (those who started the program this year) and I found myself saying "Oh no, 2nd year is much, much better, I'm way less stressed than I was 1st year." and then following that up with comments about the 30+ page and 15+ page paper I have looming and they looked puzzled and said "And you think 2nd year is easier?!?"
It's possible I've just learned to dissociate from the stress now, and don't even realize how overwhelmed I'm actually feeling.
Some how a post about the holidays, inevitably ended up being a post about school and stress. Story of my life. :)
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Overwhelming thought.
One more month left.
And I will have completed my first year of graduate school. It doesn't feel like there is only a month left since most my classes have 3 exams in a quarter and I still have 2 exams left in each of those classes, not to mention the quizzes, another paper, and endless assignments I still have to complete.
One month from today I will have finished all my finals, be done with first year classes and be studying for my competency exams which are the following week (Grad school refuses to give you a break!)
If I pass the Clinical comp. I'll start my first in-school practicum at our clinic. I'll be seeing patients; actual people, with real problems are going to depend on me. That is such a frightening thought. I have been training for it all year, but I don't think that is a responsibility I'll ever feel truly ready for.
One more month left,
then only 4 more years to go.
My birthday is coming up. 19 days to be exact. This is not me counting down in utter excitement, that is said in total contempt for the upcoming event. I'm not sure why, but turning 27 is just not sitting well with me whatsoever.
This is definitely not where I thought I'd be at 27. Not that where I'm at is any sort of horrible place to be, I had just pictured it a whole lot different.
And I will have completed my first year of graduate school. It doesn't feel like there is only a month left since most my classes have 3 exams in a quarter and I still have 2 exams left in each of those classes, not to mention the quizzes, another paper, and endless assignments I still have to complete.
One month from today I will have finished all my finals, be done with first year classes and be studying for my competency exams which are the following week (Grad school refuses to give you a break!)
If I pass the Clinical comp. I'll start my first in-school practicum at our clinic. I'll be seeing patients; actual people, with real problems are going to depend on me. That is such a frightening thought. I have been training for it all year, but I don't think that is a responsibility I'll ever feel truly ready for.
One more month left,
then only 4 more years to go.
My birthday is coming up. 19 days to be exact. This is not me counting down in utter excitement, that is said in total contempt for the upcoming event. I'm not sure why, but turning 27 is just not sitting well with me whatsoever.
This is definitely not where I thought I'd be at 27. Not that where I'm at is any sort of horrible place to be, I had just pictured it a whole lot different.
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“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” – Joseph Campbell |
Monday, May 2, 2011
Fundementals
Suppose it is time to graduate (pun, of course, intended) from a "LiveJournal" (which I started when I was 16 and it served my years of teenage angst very well) to a more adult form of blogging. I'm now in my 3rd quarter of my 1st year as a graduate student. It is a pity I did not start this from the very beginning of my journey as a but the fact that my program is 5 years long, leads me to believe I'm still in my infantile stages of the process.
I am going for my Ph.D. in clinical psychology. I have survived the first 2 quarters (although not without massive stress and some fairly close calls). Graduate school is not anything like undergrad. I came in bright-eyed and bushy tailed with the tools and skills from undergrad thinking I would be able to stay afloat using just those. I got a rude awakening when I realized almost absolutely everything I'd learned in undergrad, was utterly useless. The quality of work demanded is light-years ahead of what I was producing in undergrad. Not to mention the bar for grades is set quite a bit higher with B- being the lowest you're able to receive and be considered passing. Even then, you get too many of those and it is academic probation. As previously stated, nothing like undergrad.
I've started this blog in hopes of retaining my sanity throughout this process of life in my mid-(ok more like late) 20's experiencing graduate school, changes, stress, relationships, struggles, motivators, family, friends, pressures, research, clinical work and all the mess that combining these elements produces.
I am going for my Ph.D. in clinical psychology. I have survived the first 2 quarters (although not without massive stress and some fairly close calls). Graduate school is not anything like undergrad. I came in bright-eyed and bushy tailed with the tools and skills from undergrad thinking I would be able to stay afloat using just those. I got a rude awakening when I realized almost absolutely everything I'd learned in undergrad, was utterly useless. The quality of work demanded is light-years ahead of what I was producing in undergrad. Not to mention the bar for grades is set quite a bit higher with B- being the lowest you're able to receive and be considered passing. Even then, you get too many of those and it is academic probation. As previously stated, nothing like undergrad.
I've started this blog in hopes of retaining my sanity throughout this process of life in my mid-(ok more like late) 20's experiencing graduate school, changes, stress, relationships, struggles, motivators, family, friends, pressures, research, clinical work and all the mess that combining these elements produces.
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