Look Who's Talking...about birth control

I recently made a pretty big decision in my life.

After 16 years, I've decided to get off birth control.

Now, before anyone gets any wise ideas... I am not trying to have a baby, not yet anyway. 

Since the age of 14 I've been on some form of hormone-altering birth control. My mom put my on at a young age to help with my "acne". I did have problem skin, but something tells me that after raising 5 children before me, my mother was more inclined to make sure I was properly protected for whenever it was I became sexually active and just masked it with the clear skin bit. Although, my family is pretty vain and it did clear up my skin so, I may never know the true reasoning behind my mother's choices. Regardless, I have spent the last 16 years letting something other than my own body impact my hormones and body chemistry.

I never put much thought into it really, it was just a simple "I don't want to get pregnant, so I'll stay on birth control" thought.  Even when I would switch different kinds/brands and when I experienced significant side effects, I rarely ever thought about how it was really impacting my body (and my mind!).

One birth control pill I was on gave me such severe mood swings I actually had to tell the guy I was dating at the time that he was not allowed to call me for a week because I was so frightened of my own lashing out and anger right before starting my period (and the previous months were a good indication of what I was apparently capable of). That should have been HUGE red flag (some pun intended there) that something wasn't right about what I was doing.

Even when I was on another form that caused me to gain 33lb, it didn't seem to sink in that the answer may not be "switch to a different kind". That was my reaction each time. "Well, this kind doesn't seem to work well with me, so lets try a different one". Being in a scientific field, I guess I felt the need to examine and test multiple solutions? Or maybe there was something else fueling my decisions?

My best friend for years has preached about the implications of being on a hormonal birth control and has encouraged me to stop taking it. I never gave her words too much thought because I just assumed it was working "well enough" for me.

It was only in the last year or so that I started  to acknowledge what was happening to my body, gave her words some weight and really start to analyze the cost/benefits of my choice. I researched different methods and had multiple discussions with my boyfriend (now fiance), my best friend, and other women friends. I spent almost a year weighing the possibility of getting off of hormonal birth control, what it would mean for me, my body, and my relationship.

I initially felt guilty for "making" my fiance switch to another form, such as condoms. Then I started to really think about why that guilt should rest only on me? Either I feed hormones into my body, make my partner unhappy, or get pregnant? How is that a fair burden for a woman to carry?
I think this guilt is why it took me a year to make the decision to get off of birth control. 

Ultimately, I had to make the decision that was right for me, and although my fiance is part of this relationship,I had to realize that he does not dictate decisions about my body, I do and he was supportive of my decision.

It's too soon to tell how my decision will change my mind and body. I need to give it time to balance itself and get back on track. It was frightening to go through the grueling process of making this kind of a decision, but I feel empowered and if that is the only change I really notice, I think that is alright with me.

Failure or Success: Where do I stand?

It's that time again, where I feel like I'm failing miserably at everything.
Some things, I genuinely am failing at, of course not completely, but to a certain extent.

Take my writing: I update on  9/30, claiming I need to make an actual effort at writing, and here I am not posting again until 11/4.
Therefore, when it comes to writing, I am actually failing.

Grad school: This has a way of making me feel like I am always failing, no matter how productive or accomplished I am being, because there will forever and always be more that I should be doing.
There is always another paper I need to be writing, another article I need to be reading, another topic I should be researching, more data I need to be analyzing. Even when I check off every single thing off my list for that week/month/quarter...there is another list that has yet to be written (which is just another thing  I need to do!) with requirements that need to be done that just haven't made it to paper yet but are floating in my head.
There is no real way to ever feel as though I'm not failing when it comes to school, it's a losing battle that way.

My running: I've got an injury, so at least I've got somewhat of an excuse, but even the idea of having an excuse as to why it is ok to fail, makes me feel like I'm failing. I've been actively working on doing the stretches given to me by the doctor, I actually completed the 3 full weeks of doing them 3 times per day and started testing out my knee by running (very, very small runs) a few times a week, but even then I start out with 3 tiny runs per week, then the next week I fall off the mark and don't run at all, and then the next week I run 1 or 2 times or I "forget" to do my stretches (which are now down to just once a day, since the 2x per day is no longer necessary). That isn't going to help my injury and I know that, so what the hell am I doing?
I'm not totally failing at my running, but I'm not doing much succeeding there either.

My self-care: I'm not a disheveled mess. I still manage to shower daily and do my hair and make-up too. So, I'm not failing in that area, but I'm not going above and beyond in it either. I definitely am doing the bare minimum to not be totally ashamed of myself, and I realize that my bare minimum is actually a lot more than a lot of people's extra fancy but I'm not focused on what others are doing that I'm not, I'm more focused on what I normally do that I'm no longer doing. I take pride in myself, or at least I used to. I don't think this is even something that those on the outside would even notice the difference, but I do... and really, that is what concerns me, not what others see but what  I see.
So the jury is still out on this area, but again... I wouldn't call any of it a success.

My relationship: I never know how much of this area I am to blame solely, since it takes two here but I suppose when something is amiss, it does not matter who is at fault, since both parties suffer. We're both so damn stressed out all the time and frustrated with our own careers/goals/set backs its hard to find the time to actually enjoy each other because by the time there is any free space for that, one of us is always preoccupied with some frustration we've got going on in the background we're not really present anyway. I think we both need to learn to press pause. I think this comes with time, with patience, with age, with dedication.
We're better at it than I think we used to be, but I think it's a long process couples take years to accomplish, and really...we've only been living together for going on 4 months so I think maybe I'll call this a half-success ;)

All in all, I am not pleased with my performance. If this were a review, I'd be getting a C- here. I'm not a complete waste of space, but improvement is most definitely required if productivity and success are the desired outcomes.

With just one click of a button

On this day, 1 year ago I did something I don't ordinarily do.
I accepted a friend request from a male I'd never met before on Facebook.
Little did I know that would change my entire outlook on myself, on the future, and on life in general.

This time last year, I was in a bad place. I was absolutely heartbroken after having been dumped by the man I thought I was going to spend my life with and marry. The one I'd been in love with since I was 16 and thought I had finally, finally gotten it right with him.
Him breaking up with me crushed my soul in a way I wasn't even aware was possible. I felt lower than any low I'd ever experienced before, and with the things I've endured in life... that is a pretty low down low.
I was failing classes, drinking heavily and having thoughts that were quite detrimental to my psyche (to put it lightly).
I was in a place where I could not see a light at the end. I did not see a way out of the darkness.
This sounds overly dramatic, but it is honestly putting it lightly.

So back to this friend request. I'm in the state of mind/heart/soul that I just previously described and I get a random, out of the blue request from someone I'm positive I've never met. We have one friend in common, so before I do anything I shoot her a text asking what this guy's story is.
Once given the ok that this guy isn't half bad, I proceed and send a message asking if we'd met before.
This turned into a conversation, which lead to an accept of the request, which lead to a phone number exchange which eventually lead to an in person meet up when I am back home for a visit.

Fast forward to one year later and here I am. Not only still in contact with this fellow, but happily in a relationship with him, experiencing holidays, vacations, events etc with him on my arm.Passing classes, drinking only in moderation and able to see there is a bright light at the end.

If one year ago you would have told me this is where I'd be...I'd have probably been too drunk to hear you.