I had a realization the other day while driving.
I had just dropped the pup off at the groomers (his first time!), stopped off at Target to pick up some essentials for a sick boyfriend, and was on the freeway headed home.
I was going over various mundane things in my brain, none of which included actually paying attention to the road, when it hit me "this is the year you turn 30". I actually had to stop myself, and repeat the sentence I muttered off in such a blasé manner. "This. is. the. year. you. turn. 30."
Now I've said to myself (and others... I do talk to other people, sometimes), "my 30th birthday" and "I'll be 30 this year" but those never struck me the way that sentence did.
"This is the year you turn 30"
That sentence holds SO much power, it is like a brick hitting me in the gut, or rather, an entire sack of bricks. I was trying to explain later in the evening to J the impact of this sentence and what it actually means. I likened it to every year you get older, there is a door that shuts out the past, what used to be, what can never happen now. Turning 30 is not just a door, it is the enormous iron (steel? metal? whatever it is) gate of a castle that slams down and locks out anyone on the other side, regardless of their status or amount of armor. It is, quite literally, the end of an era. No longer will I be able to make the claim "I'm in my 20's". Anything that happens from that point on will be referred to as happening "in my 30's".
I'm not even sure why this rattled me so much. It is not that I am dreading my 30's, I've actually heard they're pretty great years; you still have some of the energy you had in your 20's for adventures but you're a little bit wiser about which adventures your partake in. So what is it about "this is the year you turn 30" that shook my core?
I think it really gets down to, not so much what the 30's hold, but all that my 20's could have held, but did not. So many women my age have children, are married, buying houses, putting down roots, and are working (and by working I mean getting PAID!) in their career. Here I am, on the brink of the big 3-0 with no children, not married, renting, and working for free as a forever-student, far away from home.
I guess I need to realize that all those things other women did in their 20's, I will likely be doing in my 30's. My 30's will not include being established in my career, they will be just beginning my career. My 30's will not be raising teenagers and preparing my kids for college, they will be giving birth for the first time (and hopefully 2nd and/or 3rd). My 30's will not be tending my roots, they will be planting them.
When I really think about it, it feels like I'm so far behind everyone else. J says I'm being selfish when I view it that way and to look at everything I have done because I didn't choose the other path. The places I've lived, traveled, the things I've experienced and really, he is right. I want to have all of that, plus everything other women got to have in their 20's too and that is completely selfish. I want my cake; to have it out for show and have a bottomless bowl full of it.
I am struggling with being grateful. With all that I've been able to accomplish... I'm focusing on the rest of it.Maybe my 30's will be a time to be grateful? To appreciate things a little more?
This all reminds me of that Tim McGraw song... my next 30 years ;)
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Monday, January 13, 2014
Monday, January 28, 2013
Week 4: January 21st-27th...when's my vacation?!
It's sometimes hard to focus on the here and now, when I have vacations to Vegas and Hawai'i in my not-near-enough future to think about. I would so much rather spend my time researching hotels, flights, and the best restaurants than researching emotion regulation, anxiety, substance use, assessments, trauma, treatment, measures, or practicum sites. That is the life of a grad student I suppose, and you'd think this far into my program I'd have realized that by now and come to terms with it. Not to mention, I just came back from "vacation", and I'm already complaining? I also think I should be thankful I have the opportunity to take these vacations (although, Hawai'i is actually school related) and it is quite nice to have something pleasurable to look forward to, even if the first one is 100 days away (yes...I have a countdown going).
The week before last, I attempted 10 articles for my dissertation and I fell short, however, I still read more than I was reading before. Then this last week I attempted the same, and still fell short...BUT... I read more than the week before. I am still short of 10 articles per week, although, I am making progress each week to where hopefully this next week I can set out to read 10 and actually achieve it.
My 5 things:
1. I attempted a mindfulness exercise. Mindfulness is a practice that in recent years has been impacting the field of psychology and has shown to be effective with a number of different populations and for a number of different disorders. So the research is pointing to it, my colleagues and professors are pointing to it, and I .... well, honestly it just feels awkward and weird to me. My own psychologist attempted it with me in therapy and I flat out told her "listen, that stuff just isn't for me" and put an end to it right then and there. While this is all well and good, because it's not for everyone, I can't help but feel like my clients may be missing out on an additive to therapy that could be really beneficial for them because their therapist (ME!) finds it awkward and silly. It also bothers me that I have such an aversion toward it. There are other therapies and techniques that I don't use or have yet to use but I don't find myself loathing them like I do mindfulness. So I told myself I'd try it, and I will need to try it more than once as it will take time. And guess what? It wasn't totally horrible, although it did still feel awkward and silly, I survived it and am willing to do it again. So... we shall see how that goes, but... baby steps.
2. Went on a bike ride for the first time in about a month! It wasn't a huge one, only about 7 miles but it felt good to be outside and on my bike. I went with J and our friend Ray and we went on a trail that I've been on before in the town I used to live in down in the south bay. It was beautiful and sunny, although incredibly windy and cold! Hoping we don't wait another month for the next ride!
3. For Christmas J and I got binoculars and a bird book from my dad and stepmom. We've been really excited to use them but haven't found the time to go an explore and bird watch. We brought the binoculars with us on the bike ride and ended up spotting a couple birds of prey and nature in action that resulted in a pretty graphic scene of a dead goose and some very territorial predators. The binoculars worked so well and made it much more enjoyable. Plus, Ray is an avid photographer so he was able to get some really great, unique shots of the birds as well. Win-win all around.
4. J and I finished up the Harry Potter series last night. I forgot how much I loved those stories and how well the movies did with them. I mean, any book-to-the-big-screen is going to have parts lefts out, slight alterations, and of course the movie is never, ever as good as the book. I would have to say though, that the Harry Potter movies did a pretty swell job overall, considering they're condensing 500+ page books into only 2 and a half hours. Now I just really, really want to go to Harry Potter world in Orlando!!!
5. J and I played a board game last night: Life-Twists and Turns! It's not the original game of Life that only gives you two options: have a family or have a career (misogynistic much?) but this version you have 4 options and you can do any combinations of them you want (you mean, I don't only have to pop out babies or get a real job?!). Board games are so awesome, and we rarely make time for them but we really, really should. J just proposed the idea of "game night" twice a week and I suggested instead of forcing it, we just play them when we feel like it. We'll see how that all goes. We only have a few anyway (Life, Monopoly, Scrabble, and Sex and the City Trivia) so we might need to invest in some more soon.
I'm finding that now, even only in week 4, it is getting a bit easier to identify and execute beneficial things that I can do for myself. I think I'm still just scratching the surface with some of them but, it's a process.
The week before last, I attempted 10 articles for my dissertation and I fell short, however, I still read more than I was reading before. Then this last week I attempted the same, and still fell short...BUT... I read more than the week before. I am still short of 10 articles per week, although, I am making progress each week to where hopefully this next week I can set out to read 10 and actually achieve it.
My 5 things:
1. I attempted a mindfulness exercise. Mindfulness is a practice that in recent years has been impacting the field of psychology and has shown to be effective with a number of different populations and for a number of different disorders. So the research is pointing to it, my colleagues and professors are pointing to it, and I .... well, honestly it just feels awkward and weird to me. My own psychologist attempted it with me in therapy and I flat out told her "listen, that stuff just isn't for me" and put an end to it right then and there. While this is all well and good, because it's not for everyone, I can't help but feel like my clients may be missing out on an additive to therapy that could be really beneficial for them because their therapist (ME!) finds it awkward and silly. It also bothers me that I have such an aversion toward it. There are other therapies and techniques that I don't use or have yet to use but I don't find myself loathing them like I do mindfulness. So I told myself I'd try it, and I will need to try it more than once as it will take time. And guess what? It wasn't totally horrible, although it did still feel awkward and silly, I survived it and am willing to do it again. So... we shall see how that goes, but... baby steps.
2. Went on a bike ride for the first time in about a month! It wasn't a huge one, only about 7 miles but it felt good to be outside and on my bike. I went with J and our friend Ray and we went on a trail that I've been on before in the town I used to live in down in the south bay. It was beautiful and sunny, although incredibly windy and cold! Hoping we don't wait another month for the next ride!
3. For Christmas J and I got binoculars and a bird book from my dad and stepmom. We've been really excited to use them but haven't found the time to go an explore and bird watch. We brought the binoculars with us on the bike ride and ended up spotting a couple birds of prey and nature in action that resulted in a pretty graphic scene of a dead goose and some very territorial predators. The binoculars worked so well and made it much more enjoyable. Plus, Ray is an avid photographer so he was able to get some really great, unique shots of the birds as well. Win-win all around.
4. J and I finished up the Harry Potter series last night. I forgot how much I loved those stories and how well the movies did with them. I mean, any book-to-the-big-screen is going to have parts lefts out, slight alterations, and of course the movie is never, ever as good as the book. I would have to say though, that the Harry Potter movies did a pretty swell job overall, considering they're condensing 500+ page books into only 2 and a half hours. Now I just really, really want to go to Harry Potter world in Orlando!!!
5. J and I played a board game last night: Life-Twists and Turns! It's not the original game of Life that only gives you two options: have a family or have a career (misogynistic much?) but this version you have 4 options and you can do any combinations of them you want (you mean, I don't only have to pop out babies or get a real job?!). Board games are so awesome, and we rarely make time for them but we really, really should. J just proposed the idea of "game night" twice a week and I suggested instead of forcing it, we just play them when we feel like it. We'll see how that all goes. We only have a few anyway (Life, Monopoly, Scrabble, and Sex and the City Trivia) so we might need to invest in some more soon.
I'm finding that now, even only in week 4, it is getting a bit easier to identify and execute beneficial things that I can do for myself. I think I'm still just scratching the surface with some of them but, it's a process.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Christmas past, present, and future
It's the Christmas season.
It never fails, no matter what, to be my absolute most favorite time of the year.
I don't know when it all started, but over the years I've morphed into the BIGGEST Christmas crazy person I know.
Christmas has always been a favorite of mine...but as I get older, it becomes more and more for me.
Obviously, as a child the presents were a major element for me.
But even then, it was always more. It was about believing in something, about bringing family together, about the magic of Christmas.
I remember one year I think it was '92 or '93, I was being greedy and wanted to know what I was getting. I went under the tree and carefully unwrapped all the presents with my name on them, peaked to see what I was getting, and then ever so carefully wrapped them back neatly. That was by far, one of the most disappointing Christmases. There was no element of surprise, there was no wonder or anticipation. I knew the things I wanted that I already had, and the things I didn't even like.. now I had to open them and pretend I didn't totally hate them. That was the last year I ever peaked at anything and from then on I've made it a point to stay in the dark about any gifts, even when people try to tell me or give me hints.
I'm actually surprised none of my 5 older siblings ever tried to burst my bubble about Santa.
I suppose even if they had tried, I wouldn't have allowed it any way. I believed for a long, long time. Right up until that moment in '95 where I came down the stairs Christmas morning and saw my dad filling our stockings.I remember rushing back up stairs and hiding in bed with my eyes shut tight, trying to erase the horror of what I'd just witnessed. I was crushed. The magic was gone! You'd think that would have ruined Christmas for me for years.
Then there was the first Christmas after my parents divorced. The 1st year of many "double Christmases" to come. Anyone coming from a divorced family knows the politics involved, the negotiating, the bribes, the guilt, the time management, the double gifting, the fighting and bickering. It was a lot for a 13 year old to handle. It put a damper on what Christmas had always been for me, I felt the tug-of-war that I'd feel for...well for the rest of my life. I still deal with this tug-of-war, although as an adult it's slightly easier to manage. That Christmas was the first time we'd changed our "traditions". For 13 years of my life we'd celebrated the same way, and suddenly it was all changing. It felt like something had been stolen from me.
If only then I'd know the changes of Christmas traditions would continue throughout the years.
There was the 1st Christmas after my cousin who'd been my best friend growing up and my partner in crime for everything had converted to a religion that did not celebrate holidays. So many of my holiday traditions involved specifically her. I mourned the loss of her for many Christmases to come and still find I miss her most near Christmas time. I can still see her, but these visits no longer include so many of the memories we made year after year.
In '07, it was the first year after the horrible events that lead up to my family dividing in two. For my entire life, we'd always went to my Grandparents house on Christmas Eve. Even after their passings, we still went to the same house, and celebrated with our huge, loud, fun family. We never broke tradition, ever. That is, until a select few of us upset the herd, we spoke out against another family member and aided in him being put in prison for over a decade. This marked the first Christmas we were not welcome at my grandparents house and were not allowed to participate in the traditions we'd spent our whole lives taking part in. That marked the first year of attempting to build new traditions. It's been a rough adjustment for all of us. Each year is a bit different, still trying to figure out what the new traditions entail. My dad has done his best to make it special for us all, despite the large elephant in the room that I often feel responsible for.
In '10, I thought I'd be coming home for the holidays to see my family and the man who'd promised to marry me. Just before Thanksgiving that year, he gave me the news that he had other plans. He'd broken up with me and a few weeks before Christmas, I'd learn he had gotten back together with his ex. This was heartbreaking and lead to the most difficult holiday season I'd faced yet. He'd robbed me of the magic, my ability to believe it something bigger, and that Christmas I merely went through the motions of the holidays, but wasn't present at all. I'd lost all hope for everything and Christmas was no exception.
Despite all the heartbreak and disappointment of Christmases past, there were so many other years where my memories will forever live in my heart. I don't think I could ever turn my back in Christmas, no matter how close I came in the past. The toughest lesson to learn in life is that change is inevitable, and traditions will be broken. This allows for new traditions, new additions, and new memories to be made and Christmas is no exception here either.
This Christmas won't be like others, but in some ways it will be exactly the same. I won't be able to spend it with everyone I'd like to, it won't go as planned, but I am able to spend it with some wonderful people, I do have a very special man who survived the holidays with my family last year and actually wants to return again. I also get to be a part of some lovely little kiddos Christmas memories, that they can look back at when they're my age and remember as fondly as I do mine.
The years I was so wrapped up in what Christmas should be or how it used to be or who should have been there I wasn't being fair to all those that were there, and continue to be there. I wasn't being fair to my niece and nephews whose Christmas memories I am a part of. My new years resolution this year was the focus on what I can do instead of worrying about what I can't do..and again, Christmas isn't an exception here. I can't change the past, I can't control the future but I CAN enjoy the holidays with my family and do my best to make it memorable for us all.
Although it's been said, many times, many ways... Merry Christmas to you :)
It never fails, no matter what, to be my absolute most favorite time of the year.
I don't know when it all started, but over the years I've morphed into the BIGGEST Christmas crazy person I know.
Christmas has always been a favorite of mine...but as I get older, it becomes more and more for me.
Obviously, as a child the presents were a major element for me.
But even then, it was always more. It was about believing in something, about bringing family together, about the magic of Christmas.
I remember one year I think it was '92 or '93, I was being greedy and wanted to know what I was getting. I went under the tree and carefully unwrapped all the presents with my name on them, peaked to see what I was getting, and then ever so carefully wrapped them back neatly. That was by far, one of the most disappointing Christmases. There was no element of surprise, there was no wonder or anticipation. I knew the things I wanted that I already had, and the things I didn't even like.. now I had to open them and pretend I didn't totally hate them. That was the last year I ever peaked at anything and from then on I've made it a point to stay in the dark about any gifts, even when people try to tell me or give me hints.
I'm actually surprised none of my 5 older siblings ever tried to burst my bubble about Santa.
I suppose even if they had tried, I wouldn't have allowed it any way. I believed for a long, long time. Right up until that moment in '95 where I came down the stairs Christmas morning and saw my dad filling our stockings.I remember rushing back up stairs and hiding in bed with my eyes shut tight, trying to erase the horror of what I'd just witnessed. I was crushed. The magic was gone! You'd think that would have ruined Christmas for me for years.
Then there was the first Christmas after my parents divorced. The 1st year of many "double Christmases" to come. Anyone coming from a divorced family knows the politics involved, the negotiating, the bribes, the guilt, the time management, the double gifting, the fighting and bickering. It was a lot for a 13 year old to handle. It put a damper on what Christmas had always been for me, I felt the tug-of-war that I'd feel for...well for the rest of my life. I still deal with this tug-of-war, although as an adult it's slightly easier to manage. That Christmas was the first time we'd changed our "traditions". For 13 years of my life we'd celebrated the same way, and suddenly it was all changing. It felt like something had been stolen from me.
If only then I'd know the changes of Christmas traditions would continue throughout the years.
There was the 1st Christmas after my cousin who'd been my best friend growing up and my partner in crime for everything had converted to a religion that did not celebrate holidays. So many of my holiday traditions involved specifically her. I mourned the loss of her for many Christmases to come and still find I miss her most near Christmas time. I can still see her, but these visits no longer include so many of the memories we made year after year.
In '07, it was the first year after the horrible events that lead up to my family dividing in two. For my entire life, we'd always went to my Grandparents house on Christmas Eve. Even after their passings, we still went to the same house, and celebrated with our huge, loud, fun family. We never broke tradition, ever. That is, until a select few of us upset the herd, we spoke out against another family member and aided in him being put in prison for over a decade. This marked the first Christmas we were not welcome at my grandparents house and were not allowed to participate in the traditions we'd spent our whole lives taking part in. That marked the first year of attempting to build new traditions. It's been a rough adjustment for all of us. Each year is a bit different, still trying to figure out what the new traditions entail. My dad has done his best to make it special for us all, despite the large elephant in the room that I often feel responsible for.
In '10, I thought I'd be coming home for the holidays to see my family and the man who'd promised to marry me. Just before Thanksgiving that year, he gave me the news that he had other plans. He'd broken up with me and a few weeks before Christmas, I'd learn he had gotten back together with his ex. This was heartbreaking and lead to the most difficult holiday season I'd faced yet. He'd robbed me of the magic, my ability to believe it something bigger, and that Christmas I merely went through the motions of the holidays, but wasn't present at all. I'd lost all hope for everything and Christmas was no exception.
Despite all the heartbreak and disappointment of Christmases past, there were so many other years where my memories will forever live in my heart. I don't think I could ever turn my back in Christmas, no matter how close I came in the past. The toughest lesson to learn in life is that change is inevitable, and traditions will be broken. This allows for new traditions, new additions, and new memories to be made and Christmas is no exception here either.
This Christmas won't be like others, but in some ways it will be exactly the same. I won't be able to spend it with everyone I'd like to, it won't go as planned, but I am able to spend it with some wonderful people, I do have a very special man who survived the holidays with my family last year and actually wants to return again. I also get to be a part of some lovely little kiddos Christmas memories, that they can look back at when they're my age and remember as fondly as I do mine.
The years I was so wrapped up in what Christmas should be or how it used to be or who should have been there I wasn't being fair to all those that were there, and continue to be there. I wasn't being fair to my niece and nephews whose Christmas memories I am a part of. My new years resolution this year was the focus on what I can do instead of worrying about what I can't do..and again, Christmas isn't an exception here. I can't change the past, I can't control the future but I CAN enjoy the holidays with my family and do my best to make it memorable for us all.
Although it's been said, many times, many ways... Merry Christmas to you :)
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Failure or Success: Where do I stand?
It's that time again, where I feel like I'm failing miserably at everything.
Some things, I genuinely am failing at, of course not completely, but to a certain extent.
Take my writing: I update on 9/30, claiming I need to make an actual effort at writing, and here I am not posting again until 11/4.
Therefore, when it comes to writing, I am actually failing.
Grad school: This has a way of making me feel like I am always failing, no matter how productive or accomplished I am being, because there will forever and always be more that I should be doing.
There is always another paper I need to be writing, another article I need to be reading, another topic I should be researching, more data I need to be analyzing. Even when I check off every single thing off my list for that week/month/quarter...there is another list that has yet to be written (which is just another thing I need to do!) with requirements that need to be done that just haven't made it to paper yet but are floating in my head.
There is no real way to ever feel as though I'm not failing when it comes to school, it's a losing battle that way.
My running: I've got an injury, so at least I've got somewhat of an excuse, but even the idea of having an excuse as to why it is ok to fail, makes me feel like I'm failing. I've been actively working on doing the stretches given to me by the doctor, I actually completed the 3 full weeks of doing them 3 times per day and started testing out my knee by running (very, very small runs) a few times a week, but even then I start out with 3 tiny runs per week, then the next week I fall off the mark and don't run at all, and then the next week I run 1 or 2 times or I "forget" to do my stretches (which are now down to just once a day, since the 2x per day is no longer necessary). That isn't going to help my injury and I know that, so what the hell am I doing?
I'm not totally failing at my running, but I'm not doing much succeeding there either.
My self-care: I'm not a disheveled mess. I still manage to shower daily and do my hair and make-up too. So, I'm not failing in that area, but I'm not going above and beyond in it either. I definitely am doing the bare minimum to not be totally ashamed of myself, and I realize that my bare minimum is actually a lot more than a lot of people's extra fancy but I'm not focused on what others are doing that I'm not, I'm more focused on what I normally do that I'm no longer doing. I take pride in myself, or at least I used to. I don't think this is even something that those on the outside would even notice the difference, but I do... and really, that is what concerns me, not what others see but what I see.
So the jury is still out on this area, but again... I wouldn't call any of it a success.
My relationship: I never know how much of this area I am to blame solely, since it takes two here but I suppose when something is amiss, it does not matter who is at fault, since both parties suffer. We're both so damn stressed out all the time and frustrated with our own careers/goals/set backs its hard to find the time to actually enjoy each other because by the time there is any free space for that, one of us is always preoccupied with some frustration we've got going on in the background we're not really present anyway. I think we both need to learn to press pause. I think this comes with time, with patience, with age, with dedication.
We're better at it than I think we used to be, but I think it's a long process couples take years to accomplish, and really...we've only been living together for going on 4 months so I think maybe I'll call this a half-success ;)
All in all, I am not pleased with my performance. If this were a review, I'd be getting a C- here. I'm not a complete waste of space, but improvement is most definitely required if productivity and success are the desired outcomes.
Some things, I genuinely am failing at, of course not completely, but to a certain extent.
Take my writing: I update on 9/30, claiming I need to make an actual effort at writing, and here I am not posting again until 11/4.
Therefore, when it comes to writing, I am actually failing.
Grad school: This has a way of making me feel like I am always failing, no matter how productive or accomplished I am being, because there will forever and always be more that I should be doing.
There is always another paper I need to be writing, another article I need to be reading, another topic I should be researching, more data I need to be analyzing. Even when I check off every single thing off my list for that week/month/quarter...there is another list that has yet to be written (which is just another thing I need to do!) with requirements that need to be done that just haven't made it to paper yet but are floating in my head.
There is no real way to ever feel as though I'm not failing when it comes to school, it's a losing battle that way.
My running: I've got an injury, so at least I've got somewhat of an excuse, but even the idea of having an excuse as to why it is ok to fail, makes me feel like I'm failing. I've been actively working on doing the stretches given to me by the doctor, I actually completed the 3 full weeks of doing them 3 times per day and started testing out my knee by running (very, very small runs) a few times a week, but even then I start out with 3 tiny runs per week, then the next week I fall off the mark and don't run at all, and then the next week I run 1 or 2 times or I "forget" to do my stretches (which are now down to just once a day, since the 2x per day is no longer necessary). That isn't going to help my injury and I know that, so what the hell am I doing?
I'm not totally failing at my running, but I'm not doing much succeeding there either.
My self-care: I'm not a disheveled mess. I still manage to shower daily and do my hair and make-up too. So, I'm not failing in that area, but I'm not going above and beyond in it either. I definitely am doing the bare minimum to not be totally ashamed of myself, and I realize that my bare minimum is actually a lot more than a lot of people's extra fancy but I'm not focused on what others are doing that I'm not, I'm more focused on what I normally do that I'm no longer doing. I take pride in myself, or at least I used to. I don't think this is even something that those on the outside would even notice the difference, but I do... and really, that is what concerns me, not what others see but what I see.
So the jury is still out on this area, but again... I wouldn't call any of it a success.
My relationship: I never know how much of this area I am to blame solely, since it takes two here but I suppose when something is amiss, it does not matter who is at fault, since both parties suffer. We're both so damn stressed out all the time and frustrated with our own careers/goals/set backs its hard to find the time to actually enjoy each other because by the time there is any free space for that, one of us is always preoccupied with some frustration we've got going on in the background we're not really present anyway. I think we both need to learn to press pause. I think this comes with time, with patience, with age, with dedication.
We're better at it than I think we used to be, but I think it's a long process couples take years to accomplish, and really...we've only been living together for going on 4 months so I think maybe I'll call this a half-success ;)
All in all, I am not pleased with my performance. If this were a review, I'd be getting a C- here. I'm not a complete waste of space, but improvement is most definitely required if productivity and success are the desired outcomes.
Monday, January 2, 2012
New Year's Resolution
I'm always late for these things. Every year I say I'm going to do it on time, and then I never seem to get around to it.
Perhaps something about procrastination should make the list this year. We'll see.
My resolution for 2011:
"My new year's resolution this year is to work on achieving balance....
a balance between school and my personal life
between studying and down time and socializing...
Last quarter ate me alive. I didn't make necessary time for all those things, thinking I had to focus on school completely.
While school really is important and is ultimately why I'm here, if I'm not emotionally and personally content I can't actually give my best at school, to those around me, or to myself."
I would say that I was able to follow through with that, for the most part. There were definitely parts of 2011 that went more smoothly with this than others, but overall I think I did a pretty good job at at least making an effort to achieve that balance.
All that being said, I still believe keeping a balance between all of those things should be a life long goal, or a value rather that you live your life around. I think it's important for all of us to make sure we take the time to enjoy our lives, our friends, our families and our responsibilities as well.
Yes..I just said enjoy our responsibilities.
It's so easy to take for granted the things we are responsible for. The job we dread waking up for, the little children in our lives who at times feel like such a burden (be that our actual children, nieces, nephews, godchildren or otherwise) We all have responsibilities for the children who depend on us for whatever role it is we may play in their lives. We have responsibilities for the homework, study time, reading, to our family obligations, our friends and ourselves. We are responsible for taking care of ourselves.
Instead of spending so much time stressing about these responsibilities, we should instead, remember to take time to be thankful we have them. Thankful we have people in our lives who trust us with theirs. Thankful people share their hearts with us. Maybe not everyone shares as much as we'd like, or there are people we wish would share with us but choose not to....there are always people who do. That is too easily forgotten because we focus on what we don't have, can't obtain, missed out on and cannot achieve.
I guess through this contemplation of my last year's resolution I have stumbled upon this years.
My new years resolution for 2012 is to focus on what I can do, what I'm capable of and what I am able to work toward. Focusing on the cans instead of dwelling on the cannots.
This is going to be difficult for me. I am so easily discouraged with negative feedback, bad reviews and poor grades. I am so quick to talk myself out of the things I want because I don't believe in myself enough to achieve them. I get caught up in all the reasons I won't be able to accomplish something when things do not work out in my favor, instead of trying to figure out what else I can do to reach my goal. I think in terms of where I am at with school and my life this is going to be a really important thing for me to struggle with. I look forward to the challenge.
Less excuses, more alternative options.
Perhaps something about procrastination should make the list this year. We'll see.
My resolution for 2011:
"My new year's resolution this year is to work on achieving balance....
a balance between school and my personal life
between studying and down time and socializing...
Last quarter ate me alive. I didn't make necessary time for all those things, thinking I had to focus on school completely.
While school really is important and is ultimately why I'm here, if I'm not emotionally and personally content I can't actually give my best at school, to those around me, or to myself."
I would say that I was able to follow through with that, for the most part. There were definitely parts of 2011 that went more smoothly with this than others, but overall I think I did a pretty good job at at least making an effort to achieve that balance.
All that being said, I still believe keeping a balance between all of those things should be a life long goal, or a value rather that you live your life around. I think it's important for all of us to make sure we take the time to enjoy our lives, our friends, our families and our responsibilities as well.
Yes..I just said enjoy our responsibilities.
It's so easy to take for granted the things we are responsible for. The job we dread waking up for, the little children in our lives who at times feel like such a burden (be that our actual children, nieces, nephews, godchildren or otherwise) We all have responsibilities for the children who depend on us for whatever role it is we may play in their lives. We have responsibilities for the homework, study time, reading, to our family obligations, our friends and ourselves. We are responsible for taking care of ourselves.
Instead of spending so much time stressing about these responsibilities, we should instead, remember to take time to be thankful we have them. Thankful we have people in our lives who trust us with theirs. Thankful people share their hearts with us. Maybe not everyone shares as much as we'd like, or there are people we wish would share with us but choose not to....there are always people who do. That is too easily forgotten because we focus on what we don't have, can't obtain, missed out on and cannot achieve.
I guess through this contemplation of my last year's resolution I have stumbled upon this years.
My new years resolution for 2012 is to focus on what I can do, what I'm capable of and what I am able to work toward. Focusing on the cans instead of dwelling on the cannots.
This is going to be difficult for me. I am so easily discouraged with negative feedback, bad reviews and poor grades. I am so quick to talk myself out of the things I want because I don't believe in myself enough to achieve them. I get caught up in all the reasons I won't be able to accomplish something when things do not work out in my favor, instead of trying to figure out what else I can do to reach my goal. I think in terms of where I am at with school and my life this is going to be a really important thing for me to struggle with. I look forward to the challenge.
Less excuses, more alternative options.
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