Week 20: May 14th-19th 2013. The waiting is over.

My 5 things:

1. Went running. Only once, it was a post-Vegas run over the weekend and it was necessary. My running was on a role there. I do believe that was positively correlated with my stress level leading up to Orals. Then Vegas happened. So, it is just a matter of getting back to 3 times a week. I'm happy with 3 times a week.
   
   
2. I actually let myself take a nap. That is rare in recent years, and I usually try to fight the urge but I was just exhausted and I allowed myself to sleep, despite not having been as productive as I'd wanted to. Turns out I was able to wake up from the nap and give my kitchen a much needed cleaning, as well as the floors in the house. So it was definitely worth it. 
   
   
3. I made the decision to stay here. J had a business trip up north Thursday-Sunday. I wanted to go, to be able to see family, to accompany him on the road but I knew I had so much work piling up and that I really couldn't afford to take more time off with all these deadlines looming. Instead, I stayed here and holed myself up at home. Aside from going to work on Friday, I didn't leave the house. I was able to get wquite a bit of school work/dissertation and research stuff done.
   
   
4. Watched tons of silly movies/TV that I would never subject J to out of respect for his manhood. I'm talking dramas, romantic comedy, and amultiple episodes of an ABC family TV show. Bad stuff (but oh-so-good in that horrible way)
   
   
5. In my Women's Group that I co-lead I utilized a new technique I've never done before, that is out of my usual realm of practices. I did a spin off of Gestalt's "empty chair" technique. It actually ended up being pretty effective, although not all patients participated to the fullest..which is expected in a group. Either way, I was proud of myself for reaching outside of my usual bag of tricks for last week's group.

After a weekend of consistently checking and rechecking my email for a message from my latest interview and watching as my phone didn't ring, Monday arrived and I was beginning to lose hope. "By the end of the week" she said. The interview took place on Thursday, so I assumed that meant Friday. When Friday came and went with nothing I assumed that perhaps meant some time over the weekend, surely by Sunday (that is, in fact, the end of the week). Sunday then came and went and Monday had arrived with not even a peep. Thankfully J came come after a weekend up north late Sunday evening so my attention was focused mostly on him. Monday morning I got up much earlier than him, had my coffee and read some research articles for my Forensics class. After a hearty breakfast of banana-oatmeal pancakes and strawberries and a silent phone, I spent the rest the morning catching up with J and hearing about his trip before he had to head to work. I checked my phone and out of no where, I had somehow missed a call and had a voicemail waiting. It was her, calling to offer me a practicum placement. FINALLY! After over a month of my hopes being hurled around on an emotional roller coaster of rejection I have a place that actually thinks I'm good enough. What a relief.

It's not what I want to be doing, it still working in substance abuse...so it's actually really a killer to my future career hopes of being in Forensics field...or really any field outside of substance use. It's a residential setting for women and children (the women are in recovery). So, it's going to be an estrogen party for me on a daily basis. Oy! That's going to take some getting used to, especially since currently most my clients are male, my supervisor is male, and my clinic director is male. Soon I'll be surrounded by vaginas galore with little testosterone in sight. Should be... interesting.
 Choosing this site has closed a LOT of doors I am really not ready to close. It's actually going beyond closing them, it is flat out nailing the door shut with an extra large padlock and chains. That is going to take some mourning. I mean I can fight and fight until I'm blue in the face, but in the end I needed to make a decision: to hold onto an idea that had me drowning by myself in this ocean that was my dream , or to latch onto a lifeboat that would sail me away from that ocean and onto land where, although the safety is comforting, it won't ever make me feel the way that ocean did.

I suppose that's a common theme in life. Keep drowning for the possibility of something likely unattainable or get to safety and miss out on whatever it was I was risking my life for. The trouble is...knowing when to grab on or when to keep struggling.

Week 4: January 21st-27th...when's my vacation?!

It's sometimes hard to focus on the here and now, when I have vacations to Vegas and Hawai'i in my not-near-enough future to think about. I would so much rather spend my time researching hotels, flights, and the best restaurants than researching emotion regulation, anxiety, substance use, assessments, trauma, treatment, measures, or practicum sites. That is the life of a grad student I suppose, and you'd think this far into my program I'd have realized that by now and come to terms with it. Not to mention, I just came back from "vacation", and I'm already complaining? I also think I should be thankful I have the opportunity to take these vacations (although, Hawai'i is actually school related) and it is quite nice to have something pleasurable to look forward to, even if the first one is 100 days away (yes...I have a countdown going).

The week before last, I attempted 10 articles for my dissertation and  I fell short, however, I still read more than I was reading before. Then this last week I attempted the same, and still fell short...BUT... I read more than the week before. I am still short of 10 articles per week, although, I am making progress each week to where hopefully this next week I can set out to read 10 and actually achieve it.

My 5 things:

1. I attempted a mindfulness exercise.  Mindfulness is a practice that in recent years has been impacting the field of psychology and has shown to be effective with a number of different populations and for a number of different disorders. So the research is pointing to it, my colleagues and professors are pointing to it, and I .... well, honestly it just feels awkward and weird to me. My own psychologist attempted it with me in therapy and I flat out told her "listen, that stuff just isn't for me" and put an end to it right then and there. While this is all well and good, because it's not for everyone, I can't help but feel like my clients may be missing out on an additive to therapy that could be really beneficial for them because their therapist (ME!) finds it awkward and silly. It also bothers me that I have such an aversion toward it. There are other therapies and techniques that I don't use or have yet to use but I don't find myself loathing them like I do mindfulness. So I told myself I'd try it, and I will need to try it more than once as it will take time. And guess what? It wasn't totally horrible, although it did still feel awkward and silly, I survived it and am willing to do it again. So... we shall see how that goes, but... baby steps.

2. Went on a bike ride for the first time in about a month! It wasn't a huge one, only about 7 miles but it felt good to be outside and on my bike. I went with J and our friend Ray and we went on a trail that I've been on before in the town I used to live in down in the south bay. It was beautiful and sunny, although incredibly windy and cold! Hoping we don't wait another month for the next ride!

3. For Christmas J and I got binoculars and a bird book from my dad and stepmom. We've been really excited to use them but haven't found the time to go an explore and bird watch. We brought the binoculars with us on the bike ride and ended up spotting a couple birds of prey and nature in action that resulted in a pretty graphic scene of a dead goose and some very territorial predators. The binoculars worked so well and made it much more enjoyable. Plus, Ray is an avid photographer so he was able to get some really great, unique shots of the birds as well. Win-win all around. 

4. J and I finished up the Harry Potter series last night. I forgot how much I loved those stories and how well the movies did with them. I mean, any book-to-the-big-screen is going to have parts lefts out, slight alterations, and of course the movie is never, ever as good as the book. I would have to say though, that the Harry Potter movies did a pretty swell job overall, considering they're condensing 500+ page books into only 2 and a half hours. Now I just really, really want to go to Harry Potter world in Orlando!!!

5. J and I played a board game last night: Life-Twists and Turns! It's not the original game of Life that only gives you two options: have a family or have a career (misogynistic much?) but this version you have 4 options and you can do any combinations of them you want (you mean, I don't only have to pop out babies or get a real job?!). Board games are so awesome, and we rarely make time for them but we really, really should. J just proposed the idea of "game night" twice a week and I suggested instead of forcing it, we just play them when we feel like it. We'll see how that all goes. We only have a few anyway (Life, Monopoly, Scrabble, and Sex and the City Trivia) so we might need to invest in some more soon.

I'm finding that now, even only in week 4, it is getting a bit easier to identify and execute beneficial things  that I can do for myself. I think I'm still just scratching the surface with some of them but, it's a process.

Office Dress Code: and other lies they tell you

Two weeks of training completed.
Tuesday I'll see my first clients at a practicum  site completely unrelated to my school.
It's not as though the client's I saw through my school's clinic were not real.
They were people, with real, chronic, serious issues.
The practicum itself, however, was not so real.
It had ridiculous expectations, limitations, rules and requirements that I am quickly finding out...have nothing to do with how things work in actual organizations.
What I will say, is that my school clinic over-prepared me...which I suppose is much better than the reverse of that.
It over-prepared my ideas about therapy sessions, dress code requirements, procedures, paperwork, etc.
The dress code alone is one of the things I find the most comical. at my school clinic there were so many restrictions, fabric and length requirements and overall appearance rules...and then I get to my new site, where people are wearing denim and sneakers and I'm damn near in a pants suit.  
I am quite surprised how at ease I actually feel about this new practicum of mine.
There are quite a number of reasons it should scare me and I should be incredibly worried:

• It is working with substance abuse issues
• It is at a methadone clinic
• There is an element of mandated treatment (which gives you quite a bit of resistance from clients)
• I'm going from my prior caseload of 2 clients to (currently) 6 but that number will be 10-15 within the next month.

Despite all of that, I am surprisingly calm about it all. I mean, don't get me wrong. I am not completely calm, there definitely exists a level of anxiety and worry, but it is what I would call a "healthy" or "appropriate" amount given the circumstances.
Mostly I am just excited to be getting more experience and to get into the swing of things. I know there are elements such as paper work and assessments that will need to be done that will be tedious and overwhelming, but for now I'm more or less looking forward to it.
My school's clinic felt like there was so many limitations it was hard to actually accomplish much.
This new site, from what I can tell so far, is much more open and flexible in terms of giving me the reins and allowing me to make treatment decisions.
I suppose had I not gone through everything I did with my school clinic, I would not be so ready and willing to make all those decisions that have now been placed on my lap though.
It just feels good to be taking the next step.
It feels like I'm actually out in the real world, working toward something bigger than myself and my school.

I'm actually curious to see how I react to this experience of working at a methadone clinic.
I'm sure there are going to be many stressful times ahead, but I'm looking forward to seeing how it impacts me, in what ways I end up growing as a clinician and as a person in general.

Although, I haven't seen a client there yet, so this could all go out the window once that occurs and I realize what I'm actually in for!
For now, I will just remain optimistic about this experience and use it as an opportunity to learn and grow in any way that it may allow me to.

Pleasant Activities

In my program, we have weekly supervision for our practicum at the clinic. This means we meet for 1 hour of individual supervision and 2 hours per week  for group supervision. Group is a time to talk about cases, get feedback from peers about complications, questions, concerns or frustrations we're encountering as student therapists. This is also a time for us to get some didactic training and learn skills to implement in therapy.
So in my group supervision today, we were assigned a task.
"Pleasant Activities" is a tool we sometimes use in cognitive-behavioral therapy for clients.
Our supervisor thought that:
A. Since practicum applications are due in the next few weeks and we all seemed pretty worthless and exhausted it would be a good idea to get us doing things we enjoy
and B. That it's always helpful as therapists if we partake in the activities ourselves so we know what we're asking our clients to do.
So for this week, we are to come up with a list of 10 pleasant activities, and track the activities we partake in during the say, and a mood score at the end of the day. 0 being horrible to 10 being wonderful..(pretty much).
These activities can be anything we take pleasure in. These can be bigger things that take a fair amount of time, or even small things that take only minutes.
Now, since these are things that I theoretically should be able to accomplish over the next week (while I'm tracking) I left off the impossible such as: sex, going on a date, cuddling, etc since having a long distance relationship makes all of those things unattainable for the next 7 (but actually more like 25) days. I also left off things that I know I will not be able to do in the next week, such as: take a vacation, go bowling, etc.
So after much debate (in my own mind, of course) I have developed my 10 pleasant activities and they are as follows (and in no particular order):

1. "Rocking out" (singing loudly) in my car while driving
2. Baking
3. Cooking
4. What I have deemed as the "Running Aftermath" (since I absolutely LOATHE the feeling before/during/after running, and find ZERO enjoyment in that aspect.... but have found that I tend to have more energy and better days overall on the days I run, I am calling this the "Running Aftermath" and that, I do find pleasant).
5. Pooping 
6. Reading for pleasure (so, nothing school related!)
7. Watching my weekly shows on TV, and not catching up online later (so getting to watch Gossip Girl, Glee, New Girl, etc when they actually air)
8. Dancing
9. Organizing: room/clothes/shelves/etc
10. Planning Vacations

What I have come to realize about my list is that none of them (aside from #7) are sedentary, or without purpose. All the activities I've listed are active, in terms of achieving something, producing something or accomplishing something.
I do not have anything on here that would be deemed as "relaxing" ....although reading could be, but aside from that (and even then, depending on what I'm reading, I'm still learning/absorbing). There is no mention on this list of 'sitting in a park', 'meditating', 'taking a bath', or 'relaxation breathing'.
I'm much too high strung for that I think. Which is ironic, maybe?
When I'm stressed out, it is usually involving feeling pressed for time, rushed, on a budget/limit/time constraint of sorts, so the thought of 'taking a break' to do something relaxing, actually just stresses me out more.
I think I have a need to feel like I'm being productive 24 hours of every day.
Maybe that is why my dreams are always so intense and vivid and I remember them in their entirety. Even when I'm sleeping, my brain feels like it has to be processing information on full speed.
If I am stressed out, I want to have the feeling of being able to complete/produce/accomplish in order to feel worth something. Hence the baking/cooking/organizing/planning items on my list.
Although, I'm not sure which category "rocking out" really falls under. Certainly not "relaxing" or "sedentary".
And for those who caught #5... I deem that as highly productive. Staying regular is a part of the body working, producing and accomplishing ;)

*Edit: So, about a half an hour after I wrote this post, I started to think about the activities I'd listed. I came to the realization that none of my activities involve other people, or being outside of my apartment for that matter (aside from "rocking out")
That kind of make me a little bit sad, I think.

Look Ma, no hands!

I had my first session with a client.
While I, of course, cannot go into detail about anything due to confidentiality and frankly, human decency to this person's privacy, I can say that I thought it went pretty well.
I was so incredibly nervous beforehand. So worried I'd blank, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, offend my client, look unprofessional, unprepared etc.
About 15 minutes into the session I had this realization of "Whoa, you're really doing this. This is actually happening, this person has real problems and you're sitting here across from them, doing what you've been preparing all this time for"
It was a pretty surreal moment for me. One I hope I never forget the feeling of. If I make it out of grad school, and eventually onto my own practice and am doing this multiple times a day, 5 days a week I know it will be so easy to forget this feeling. This empowering and yet completely humbling and  proud feeling. I never thought I'd ever be where I am today, especially with how close I was to dropping out after that first quarter. And now, here I am, one year in grad school completed and seeing clients as a student therapist.
I know not all days will feel like this, I will have difficult sessions and run into issues I'm not prepared for and I'll mess up and handle things incorrectly, but as for right now... I'm kind of a little proud of myself for making it this far. I have oh-so-long to go, but I've survived up until now.
I've officially seen my first client as a student therapist :) Whoa.