Match Result: Congratulations! You have been matched to: __________
I did it! I got matched for internship! I got one of my top choices too and my favorite training program! Looks like J and I are packing up our lives and moving to IOWA! Wow... never in my life did I ever imagine I'd live in Iowa in or the Central timezone at all.
The night before Match Day, despite my best efforts I got the worst possible sleep ever. It didn't help that J would turn to me every 45 min or so and say "check your email again" even though it was only 1:30am, 2:15am, 3:30am, etc. I knew the results would come in about a quarter to 5, but I checked each time I woke up anyway (you know, just in case). I could barely focus my eyes on the bright screen in the darkness of our bedroom, but then at about 4:50am I checked for the 15th time and there it was. I said "I matched." "We're moving to Iowa" J barely registered what I said before I began to repeat myself. "We're moving to Iowa......we're moving to Iowa". I had to just keep repeating it to myself because I didn't believe it. I obviously couldn't go back to sleep after that and I'm finally caught up from the lack of sleep on the days leading up to match day.
A few days before the 20th, I started to have serious doubts about matching. Not because I didn't think I was qualified, or I thought my prospects weren't very good, but because of probabilities, numbers, algorithms, and the bad taste from last year left in my mouth. I had been so sure I would match, I hadn't prepared myself for "but what if I don't?". It started to weigh on me a bit and those last few days were rough.
Matching to Iowa was bittersweet as well. It meant I wasn't moving back to the Pacific Northwest yet. It meant I'd be 1900+ miles away from home instead of 700. It meant that rent wouldn't be as cheap as I'd hoped because it's a college town. Even with all of those realities, it also meant I'd done it! It meant that I matched to an APA accredited VA internship and I'd earned it. It meant I was one major step closer to getting my Ph.D. It meant that I got matched to the program I viewed as the best possible fit for me and my training goals. It meant that the matching system worked. It meant...success. I think that was the hardest part for me to swallow. With all of the disappointments, failures, and rejections I've experienced in graduate school, I've grown to expect to be let down. I've learned that in most cases, even if I'm good...I'm not good enough. Matching to a site I ranked so highly meant that I didn't fail this one, that this site saw in me something I've wondered if it even existed.
Internship starts in July, so we've got just under 5 months left of living in California... and I couldn't be happier. I'm so ready to close the book on California and move forward into the next adventure...that we now know will be taking place in Iowa :)
Showing posts with label success. Show all posts
Showing posts with label success. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Monday, September 30, 2013
Week 39: Sept 23rd-29th- Dissertation Proposal Defense=SUCCESS!!!
First off, let me start by saying: I SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDED MY DISSERTATION PROPOSAL!! I passed! it was approved!!
Granted, I have a laundry list of changes that need to be made including but not limited to changing my entire data analysis section and rewriting/reorganizing my entire literature review.
BUT IT WAS A SUCCESS!!! Regardless of how much I need to do based on it, it is no longer standing in my way of applying to internship!!
My 5 things:
1. I left practicum early Thursday, I decided I needed some extra time to clear my mind and decompress before the big day (I defended my dissertation proposal on Friday morning)
2. Baked some pumpkin Nutella swirl cookies in an attempt to distract myself from the anxiety overload on Thursday night.
3. I SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDED MY DISSERTATION PROPOSAL!! Ok, ok, I know I already said that...but it deserves repeating...and making the list!
4. J and I went to dinner Firday night to celebrate. We decided to try out a new place in Oakland, I voted for Italian...mostly just because I wanted to free bread you get ASAP ;)
5. J and I also treated ourselves to a movie Sunday evening. SCORE because it was $5 movie day at the theater in downtown Oakland. We saw the movie Prisoners...which was AMAZING!! Such an awesome suspense-thriller-mystery with an incredible cast. We had never even heard of the movie, just decided to treat ourselves and looked at what was playing. When we left the theater J said "Now, that is worth owning".
Granted, I have a laundry list of changes that need to be made including but not limited to changing my entire data analysis section and rewriting/reorganizing my entire literature review.
BUT IT WAS A SUCCESS!!! Regardless of how much I need to do based on it, it is no longer standing in my way of applying to internship!!
My 5 things:
1. I left practicum early Thursday, I decided I needed some extra time to clear my mind and decompress before the big day (I defended my dissertation proposal on Friday morning)
2. Baked some pumpkin Nutella swirl cookies in an attempt to distract myself from the anxiety overload on Thursday night.
3. I SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDED MY DISSERTATION PROPOSAL!! Ok, ok, I know I already said that...but it deserves repeating...and making the list!
4. J and I went to dinner Firday night to celebrate. We decided to try out a new place in Oakland, I voted for Italian...mostly just because I wanted to free bread you get ASAP ;)
5. J and I also treated ourselves to a movie Sunday evening. SCORE because it was $5 movie day at the theater in downtown Oakland. We saw the movie Prisoners...which was AMAZING!! Such an awesome suspense-thriller-mystery with an incredible cast. We had never even heard of the movie, just decided to treat ourselves and looked at what was playing. When we left the theater J said "Now, that is worth owning".
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Oral Comp Exam: PASSED!!!!!
I wanted to just take a second here, to commemorate this moment.
Today, I had my Oral Competency Exam at 9am PST.
It actually began a few minutes late, which was very fortunate since I arrived late. I left my house in Oakland at 7:30am thinking I was giving myself more than enough time to arrive by 8:45am. Joke's on me. Traffic was horrible, and to top it all off I had to pee so badly, it was actually quite painful that I had to pull off and find a bathroom (Target was my savior!)
I arrived at 9:01am, and no one even knew I didn't get there early. PHEW! Needless to say I was a bundle of nerves, shaky, feeling faint, out of breath, and sweaty (but really, aren't I always?)
The exam went about how I expected. Two faculty sitting across from me as I scribbled my notes on the Vignette before I had to begin speaking. I misspelled words that I've known how to spell for decades. When it came time to speak I made up some really interesting versions of words that I've never heard before all the while going completely blank on words I use on almost a daily basis in my field (ie: competent...ironic since I was taking a competency exam). I filled some of the silence with awkward ramblings and ill-received jokes. I even quoted Forest Gump "and that's all I have to say about that" which also went unappreciated by my examiners.
Despite all my uncertainty, bad jokes, and ramblings I survived.
I had finished up my exam a little after 10am. I went down to the library to finish writing up an assessment report for a class (I'm still not even sure how I did school work after that!). I knew we would find out about the results via email sometime in the next couple of hours, so naturally I was refreshing my email every 5 minutes or so. at 10:55am I got the email stating: Congratulations! I didn't even read the rest of it before blurting out a loud "yeeaaaahhh I passed!!" while flailing my arms in the air right in the middle of the library. Luckily, there was a small crowd of my peers who were either waiting to take theirs or had just finished up that were there to receive my celebration and send congrats my way.
Holy mother of all that is wonderful, I still cannot believe I passed. I earned my M.S. in Clinical Psych and it is yet another hurdle I've now cleared. A BIG hurdle, one I can actually say that I feel proud of myself that I've accomplished. It's rare I actually feel like anything I do is a success, but this really does feel like one.
It was unfortunate that I had to go about my day, as though nothing was different. I still had to go to class, still had to go to Research Group, and drive an hour commute home. I suppose I did it all with my head a little higher though.
To put a cherry on my Tuesday, I got my midterm exam results back for my forensic assessment class: 97%. Today was about the most successful day I've ever had (although I'm not counting the part about backing into the iron fence in the Subway parking lot. Doh!)
Today, I had my Oral Competency Exam at 9am PST.
It actually began a few minutes late, which was very fortunate since I arrived late. I left my house in Oakland at 7:30am thinking I was giving myself more than enough time to arrive by 8:45am. Joke's on me. Traffic was horrible, and to top it all off I had to pee so badly, it was actually quite painful that I had to pull off and find a bathroom (Target was my savior!)
I arrived at 9:01am, and no one even knew I didn't get there early. PHEW! Needless to say I was a bundle of nerves, shaky, feeling faint, out of breath, and sweaty (but really, aren't I always?)
The exam went about how I expected. Two faculty sitting across from me as I scribbled my notes on the Vignette before I had to begin speaking. I misspelled words that I've known how to spell for decades. When it came time to speak I made up some really interesting versions of words that I've never heard before all the while going completely blank on words I use on almost a daily basis in my field (ie: competent...ironic since I was taking a competency exam). I filled some of the silence with awkward ramblings and ill-received jokes. I even quoted Forest Gump "and that's all I have to say about that" which also went unappreciated by my examiners.
Despite all my uncertainty, bad jokes, and ramblings I survived.
I had finished up my exam a little after 10am. I went down to the library to finish writing up an assessment report for a class (I'm still not even sure how I did school work after that!). I knew we would find out about the results via email sometime in the next couple of hours, so naturally I was refreshing my email every 5 minutes or so. at 10:55am I got the email stating: Congratulations! I didn't even read the rest of it before blurting out a loud "yeeaaaahhh I passed!!" while flailing my arms in the air right in the middle of the library. Luckily, there was a small crowd of my peers who were either waiting to take theirs or had just finished up that were there to receive my celebration and send congrats my way.
Holy mother of all that is wonderful, I still cannot believe I passed. I earned my M.S. in Clinical Psych and it is yet another hurdle I've now cleared. A BIG hurdle, one I can actually say that I feel proud of myself that I've accomplished. It's rare I actually feel like anything I do is a success, but this really does feel like one.
It was unfortunate that I had to go about my day, as though nothing was different. I still had to go to class, still had to go to Research Group, and drive an hour commute home. I suppose I did it all with my head a little higher though.
To put a cherry on my Tuesday, I got my midterm exam results back for my forensic assessment class: 97%. Today was about the most successful day I've ever had (although I'm not counting the part about backing into the iron fence in the Subway parking lot. Doh!)
Monday, February 4, 2013
Week 5: Jan 28th- Feb 3rd..and Peru!
My 5 things:
1. I set up an optional practicum advising meeting to discuss my application materials and site lists. It wasn't required to meet with anyone this year, but I decided that since I know I really want a Forensic site for my next practicum, and since I'm lacking experience in that department, I thought it best to meet with the professor who is in charge of that and see what feedback I could get from her. Turns out: it was really helpful and she gave me a lot of awesome feedback about my cover letters and how to present myself better on paper.
2. I attended this year's BAPIC practicum fair. That is where most of the practicum sites come and are available for you to meet with various people (directors, current practicum students, etc), ask questions and gather information. The majority of my classmates (3rd years) did not seem to be in attendance from what I could tell. Since most the people I knew weren't going, it wasn't required, and I loathe social situations where you have to talk to a bunch of total strangers and feel like you're being put on the spot: there was a large part of me that did not want to go. Despite my anxiety, I was able to talk with 4 sites and I feel like with at least 2 of them, I made a fairly good impression.
3. J and I went on a hike yesterday in Berkeley. Every time we go, we talk about how enjoyable it is and how we really should go more, and then we just don't get around to it.
Thankfully I was able to rally J yesterday and get him out the door and hiking. I'd really like to do something active outside at least once a week (on the weekend) and so far we've been able to accomplish that with out bike ride last weekend and this hike on Sunday.
4. I watched a fair amount of "Say Yes to the Dress" lately after working for hours at my computer or reading articles for my dissertation. I don't know what it is about that show, but I absolutely love it. I've never been a girl to imagine my wedding dress or picture what I'd wear, so it's not about that for me. I'm not sure what it is. Even now, after having see almost all seasons, I still don't find myself daydreaming about my dream wedding dress, even with all the ones I've seen. Guilty pleasure.... who knows.
5. We watched the Superbowl yesterday. Neither J nor myself are avid football fans nor do we catch many (if any) of the games during the regular season. The Superbowl, however; is well, the Superbowl! It has little to do with the actual game or the teams playing and has much more to do with the commercials, the socializing, the food, the togetherness, the beer, and the fun. We had an invite to a place in SF with some people we know. I was hesitant for a number of reasons (being in SF during the Superbowl when the 49er's are playing, having to driver there, having to pay tolls, trying to find parking, and having to spend money) so when the invite came from J's boss who lives in Oakland and to join them at their apartment I decided that was a much better plan. So we spent the day over there, pigging out on ribs, chips, salad and beer and it was delightful. I enjoyed the game, the commercials were amusing, and the company was lovely. After the game we stayed and had a fire going out back. They are pretty wonderful people too, which helps when spending that much time with someone.
In other news, I just found out this morning that my poster has been accepted to the World Congress of Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies conference being held in Peru in July!
I do not get to attend because I'll be going to APA in Hawaii to present another one of my posters (and because airfare to Peru is like....$1300!! Yikes!) BUT my name as lead author and my work will be there. So I get to add that to the list:
This year:
February: My name (and work as a co-author) will be in Singapore
July: My name (and work as lead author) will be in Peru
August: Me, my name, and my work as lead author will all be in Hawaii
So in terms of research: I'd say I'm not doing too shabby :)
1. I set up an optional practicum advising meeting to discuss my application materials and site lists. It wasn't required to meet with anyone this year, but I decided that since I know I really want a Forensic site for my next practicum, and since I'm lacking experience in that department, I thought it best to meet with the professor who is in charge of that and see what feedback I could get from her. Turns out: it was really helpful and she gave me a lot of awesome feedback about my cover letters and how to present myself better on paper.
2. I attended this year's BAPIC practicum fair. That is where most of the practicum sites come and are available for you to meet with various people (directors, current practicum students, etc), ask questions and gather information. The majority of my classmates (3rd years) did not seem to be in attendance from what I could tell. Since most the people I knew weren't going, it wasn't required, and I loathe social situations where you have to talk to a bunch of total strangers and feel like you're being put on the spot: there was a large part of me that did not want to go. Despite my anxiety, I was able to talk with 4 sites and I feel like with at least 2 of them, I made a fairly good impression.
3. J and I went on a hike yesterday in Berkeley. Every time we go, we talk about how enjoyable it is and how we really should go more, and then we just don't get around to it.
 |
| Tilden Regional Park, Berkeley, CA |
4. I watched a fair amount of "Say Yes to the Dress" lately after working for hours at my computer or reading articles for my dissertation. I don't know what it is about that show, but I absolutely love it. I've never been a girl to imagine my wedding dress or picture what I'd wear, so it's not about that for me. I'm not sure what it is. Even now, after having see almost all seasons, I still don't find myself daydreaming about my dream wedding dress, even with all the ones I've seen. Guilty pleasure.... who knows.
5. We watched the Superbowl yesterday. Neither J nor myself are avid football fans nor do we catch many (if any) of the games during the regular season. The Superbowl, however; is well, the Superbowl! It has little to do with the actual game or the teams playing and has much more to do with the commercials, the socializing, the food, the togetherness, the beer, and the fun. We had an invite to a place in SF with some people we know. I was hesitant for a number of reasons (being in SF during the Superbowl when the 49er's are playing, having to driver there, having to pay tolls, trying to find parking, and having to spend money) so when the invite came from J's boss who lives in Oakland and to join them at their apartment I decided that was a much better plan. So we spent the day over there, pigging out on ribs, chips, salad and beer and it was delightful. I enjoyed the game, the commercials were amusing, and the company was lovely. After the game we stayed and had a fire going out back. They are pretty wonderful people too, which helps when spending that much time with someone.
In other news, I just found out this morning that my poster has been accepted to the World Congress of Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies conference being held in Peru in July!
I do not get to attend because I'll be going to APA in Hawaii to present another one of my posters (and because airfare to Peru is like....$1300!! Yikes!) BUT my name as lead author and my work will be there. So I get to add that to the list:
This year:
February: My name (and work as a co-author) will be in Singapore
July: My name (and work as lead author) will be in Peru
August: Me, my name, and my work as lead author will all be in Hawaii
So in terms of research: I'd say I'm not doing too shabby :)
Monday, January 21, 2013
Week 3: Jan 21st-27th.... and SUCCESSES!
This Monday's been a little different as J didn't go into the woodshop as per usual and stayed home instead. There was definitely a pull away from work-related responsibilities and a later start than usual but I still managed to work out this morning, get a lot of work accomplished for school/dissertation and dinner for tomorrow night in the crock-pot (although tonight's dinner is still semi-undecided as of yet, but it's not yet 5pm).
Although, I am writing here later than I'd planned and also forgot to do it, but am fitting it in just before I allow myself the pleasure of time with J on the couch.
As for this past week's list of 5 things:
1. I had a really good conversation with my mom on the phone. I'm finally at the point in life where I've come to terms with the fact that my mother is but a mere mortal who has made mistakes and done things wrong in life and I've forgiven her for not being the super-hero subhuman I once expected her to be. We're finally at a point where we are able to connect, as friends. Being able to have these conversations with her where I know we're both being real, where I'm not worried about "what my mom will think" or about her "overreacting", where I'm treating her like an equal and not above or below me is really something special. Not every woman gets to this point with their mother, and not everyone has a mother such as mine that this type of relationship is even possible. I know I'm very lucky.
2. J had never seen any of the Harry Potter movies (can you believe it!?!?) and me being the fanatic that I am about them, was thrilled when he expressed a willingness (or more so just did not completely object to) the idea of watching all 8 of the movies with me. We started the series this weekend and actually got through movies 1-4 in the past week. I love being able to indulge in something that I'm so enthralled with and even more so, to be able to share it with someone I love and have them actually enjoying it too!
3. Got a pedicure yesterday. It was actually a treat for J's birthday, but I of course reap the benefits as well :) So relaxing!
4. I tried a new recipe last night for J's birthday dinner. Stromboli, his favorite. I've never attempted it and ended up free stylin' the recipe to suit what I had on hand and my preferences and it ended up a HUGE success! It's hard to surprise him with a "home cooked dinner" or special "birthday dessert" since he gets home cooked meals almost every night of the week. This recipe showed me that I've still got lots of successes up my sleeve.
5. I made a goal for myself for my work on my dissertation to read 10 articles per week. Ok, so it wasn't so much a personal goal as my research adviser told me "You should be reading 10-15 articles per week" and I was like "Say whaaaaaaaa?!?!?!? That's impossible!" So after some sulking and anger about that fact, I decided it just needed to get done. So I started out reading at least 1 article per day (some days 2) in order to meet the goal(ahem...requirement) of at least 10 articles per week. And low and behold, I am accomplishing it!
Oh and one more thing. Last Wednesday, after almost a week of the painful waiting and watching other people bask in the APA glory I got the notification that I got accepted!!! I am going to APA in Hawaii in August to present a poster! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! This goal I set out when I first began graduate school in 2010 has become a REALITY!! :D
I don't know how on earth I'll pay for it, but we'll worry about that later. For now, I'm allowing myself to just be proud of my accomplishment :)
Although, I am writing here later than I'd planned and also forgot to do it, but am fitting it in just before I allow myself the pleasure of time with J on the couch.
As for this past week's list of 5 things:
1. I had a really good conversation with my mom on the phone. I'm finally at the point in life where I've come to terms with the fact that my mother is but a mere mortal who has made mistakes and done things wrong in life and I've forgiven her for not being the super-hero subhuman I once expected her to be. We're finally at a point where we are able to connect, as friends. Being able to have these conversations with her where I know we're both being real, where I'm not worried about "what my mom will think" or about her "overreacting", where I'm treating her like an equal and not above or below me is really something special. Not every woman gets to this point with their mother, and not everyone has a mother such as mine that this type of relationship is even possible. I know I'm very lucky.
2. J had never seen any of the Harry Potter movies (can you believe it!?!?) and me being the fanatic that I am about them, was thrilled when he expressed a willingness (or more so just did not completely object to) the idea of watching all 8 of the movies with me. We started the series this weekend and actually got through movies 1-4 in the past week. I love being able to indulge in something that I'm so enthralled with and even more so, to be able to share it with someone I love and have them actually enjoying it too!
3. Got a pedicure yesterday. It was actually a treat for J's birthday, but I of course reap the benefits as well :) So relaxing!
4. I tried a new recipe last night for J's birthday dinner. Stromboli, his favorite. I've never attempted it and ended up free stylin' the recipe to suit what I had on hand and my preferences and it ended up a HUGE success! It's hard to surprise him with a "home cooked dinner" or special "birthday dessert" since he gets home cooked meals almost every night of the week. This recipe showed me that I've still got lots of successes up my sleeve.
5. I made a goal for myself for my work on my dissertation to read 10 articles per week. Ok, so it wasn't so much a personal goal as my research adviser told me "You should be reading 10-15 articles per week" and I was like "Say whaaaaaaaa?!?!?!? That's impossible!" So after some sulking and anger about that fact, I decided it just needed to get done. So I started out reading at least 1 article per day (some days 2) in order to meet the goal(ahem...requirement) of at least 10 articles per week. And low and behold, I am accomplishing it!
Oh and one more thing. Last Wednesday, after almost a week of the painful waiting and watching other people bask in the APA glory I got the notification that I got accepted!!! I am going to APA in Hawaii in August to present a poster! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! This goal I set out when I first began graduate school in 2010 has become a REALITY!! :D
I don't know how on earth I'll pay for it, but we'll worry about that later. For now, I'm allowing myself to just be proud of my accomplishment :)
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
30 Days of being thankful
November, being the month that houses Thanksgiving, is a time to remember what we're thankful for.
It can be so easy to go through every day without realizing all the little (and big!) things that we have in our lives, both material and intangible. We get so caught up in our daily rituals, our responsibilities, our own minds that we forget to take a moment to really look around at what all we are blessed with.
This year, I took part in a "30 Days of Being Thankful"type of thing. I'm not sure if there is an actual name for it or not, so that is what I'll call it. I noticed on November 1st people on Facebook claiming "Day 1" or "Nov 1st" and thought...that sounds like a wonderful thing to do!
So I set out to complete 30 days worth of being thankful and to my surprise, some days were quite a challenge. It can be difficult to find the good in a day that feels like it's up against you.
I must say this was such an awesome quest for me, I found it really humbling and enriching. Some days my thanks were silly, some days material things, others people or events in my life. Each day gave me a new opportunity to shine light on an area of my life I'm thankful I have/earned/deserve/have been given. I decided to document them all here because I think it's pretty great to see them all in 1 place.
I must say this was such an awesome quest for me, I found it really humbling and enriching. Some days my thanks were silly, some days material things, others people or events in my life. Each day gave me a new opportunity to shine light on an area of my life I'm thankful I have/earned/deserve/have been given. I decided to document them all here because I think it's pretty great to see them all in 1 place.
Day 1: I'm thankful for the house we
rent, that J has made a home.
Day 2: I'm thankful for Dustin's timing
on sending me random little things, unknowingly right when I need a
laugh.Thanks Squash. :)
Day 3: I'm thankful for Netflix since
it is currently allowing us to watch the entire series of The Wonder
Years.
Day 4: I'm thankful for my wife for
being in my life for 19 years and never giving up on me; despite
distance, egos, changes, and mistakes.
Nov 5: Today I'm thankful for the
kindness of strangers, and in East Oakland, no less. Thank you to the
man who helped me at the gas station.
Day 6: Despite having done so last week
via mail, today I am thankful, as a woman, for my right to vote. Oh
and also for being able to get an absentee ballot and vote in my home
state!
Day 7: I'm thankful for sleep because
I really needed it, and was able to get a lot of it. woo! Although, I
still need more.
Day 8: I'm thankful that despite all
the drowning, I've managed to stay afloat in grad school thus far.
Day 9: I'm thankful I have a best
friend with such awesome style that I'm still getting compliments on
clothes she gave away to me like 2 years ago (and am still wearing
too!)
Day 10: I'm thankful for my older
brother, Troy. Although he's not my only brother, he is the one who
has given me the most "older brother" memories, including
all the ones where he tortures you, picks on you, makes you cry.
There's also a whole lot more that include good advice, games, funny
jokes, great memories, and big hugs and even bigger laughs. Love you
Troylet.
Day 11: I'm thankful for those who have
served and continue to serve. For all the ones I know well and hold
dear to my heart, and for those I'll never meet. Happy Veterans Day ♥
Day 12: I'm thankful I have the ability
to run, even with all the complications and setbacks of my injury,
I'm still capable of running.
Day 13: I'm thankful to have friends I
consider family, and family I consider friends.
Day 14: I'm thankful that, despite
initial disappointments and rejection during 1st year, I ended up in
the research group I'm in because it has proven to be a pretty great
fit for me :)
Day 15: I'm thankful J is skilled
enough to keep my car alive for as long as possible, because we
really need it to keep living.
Day 16: I'm thankful for Chinese food
delivery. It's a rarity in this house, but some days, I just really
don't want to cook, or think.
Day 17: I'm finding it difficult to
find something to be thankful for in the midst of all the
stress...but I guess I'm thankful that I am good at baking, because
as of lately, its all I've been any good at.
Day 18: I'm thankful this quarter is
almost over. I don't think I can take much more. Just a few more
days.
Day 19: I'm thankful for those around
me that help me out to make my life a little easier, like Freda
turning in my paper for me today so I didn't have to drive 85 miles
just to turn it in, and for J for always taking out the trash and
cleaning up (daily!) the cat poo from the strays that have decided
our driveway is a litter box. It's these kinds of things that keep me
from going totally insane, and for that I am oh-so-thankful!
Day 20: I'm thankful that my team
pulled through (it was down to the final hour!) and we were able to
submit to APA!! Here's to hoping we get accepted! :D
Day 21: I'm thankful for surprises in
the mail. They really are just the best thing ever :) Especially when
they're from people you love ♥
Day 22: I'm thankful I get to be an
Auntie and a Godmother. My nephews, my niece and my goddaughters fill my
heart with so much love I never even knew possible. I'm thankful for
their parents for bringing them into this world and for allowing me
the privilege of being in their lives. ♥ I love and miss all these
little kiddos, even though some of them aren't very little anymore.
Day 23: I'm thankful for technology
that allows me to joke with my nephew via text who is 700 miles away,
and talk with my niece about what the tooth fairy brought her, even
though I'm 2 states away.
Day 24: I'm thankful for how much joy I
get from anything Christmas related, it makes this time of year
unbelievably wonderful for me...currently watching National Lampoon's
Christmas Vacation and having pumpkin pie ice cream :D
Day 25: I'm thankful for lazy Sundays.
Day 26: I'm thankful I've been able to
travel as much as I have in my life so far and been able to
experience other cities, states, and other countries...and I hope to
continue to do so, if grad school will allow it.
Day 27: I'm thankful for family
visitors. J's dad is here until Saturday!
Day 28: I'm thankful for my dad and
everything he has taught and continues to teach me and all he does
for those he loves. Today also happens to be his birthday...so Happy
Birthday Dad. Love you. ♥
Day 29: I'm thankful for my mom. She's
helped teach me what it means to be a successful woman in this world,
and that's no easy job ;)
Day 30: I'm thankful for my family, all
of them. My family who made so many of my childhood memories
unforgettable, and my family who have stood by me in my most
difficult struggles. I could not be where I am today without all of
them. I am so lucky to be a part of such a large, supportive, loving,
laughter-filled family.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Failure or Success: Where do I stand?
It's that time again, where I feel like I'm failing miserably at everything.
Some things, I genuinely am failing at, of course not completely, but to a certain extent.
Take my writing: I update on 9/30, claiming I need to make an actual effort at writing, and here I am not posting again until 11/4.
Therefore, when it comes to writing, I am actually failing.
Grad school: This has a way of making me feel like I am always failing, no matter how productive or accomplished I am being, because there will forever and always be more that I should be doing.
There is always another paper I need to be writing, another article I need to be reading, another topic I should be researching, more data I need to be analyzing. Even when I check off every single thing off my list for that week/month/quarter...there is another list that has yet to be written (which is just another thing I need to do!) with requirements that need to be done that just haven't made it to paper yet but are floating in my head.
There is no real way to ever feel as though I'm not failing when it comes to school, it's a losing battle that way.
My running: I've got an injury, so at least I've got somewhat of an excuse, but even the idea of having an excuse as to why it is ok to fail, makes me feel like I'm failing. I've been actively working on doing the stretches given to me by the doctor, I actually completed the 3 full weeks of doing them 3 times per day and started testing out my knee by running (very, very small runs) a few times a week, but even then I start out with 3 tiny runs per week, then the next week I fall off the mark and don't run at all, and then the next week I run 1 or 2 times or I "forget" to do my stretches (which are now down to just once a day, since the 2x per day is no longer necessary). That isn't going to help my injury and I know that, so what the hell am I doing?
I'm not totally failing at my running, but I'm not doing much succeeding there either.
My self-care: I'm not a disheveled mess. I still manage to shower daily and do my hair and make-up too. So, I'm not failing in that area, but I'm not going above and beyond in it either. I definitely am doing the bare minimum to not be totally ashamed of myself, and I realize that my bare minimum is actually a lot more than a lot of people's extra fancy but I'm not focused on what others are doing that I'm not, I'm more focused on what I normally do that I'm no longer doing. I take pride in myself, or at least I used to. I don't think this is even something that those on the outside would even notice the difference, but I do... and really, that is what concerns me, not what others see but what I see.
So the jury is still out on this area, but again... I wouldn't call any of it a success.
My relationship: I never know how much of this area I am to blame solely, since it takes two here but I suppose when something is amiss, it does not matter who is at fault, since both parties suffer. We're both so damn stressed out all the time and frustrated with our own careers/goals/set backs its hard to find the time to actually enjoy each other because by the time there is any free space for that, one of us is always preoccupied with some frustration we've got going on in the background we're not really present anyway. I think we both need to learn to press pause. I think this comes with time, with patience, with age, with dedication.
We're better at it than I think we used to be, but I think it's a long process couples take years to accomplish, and really...we've only been living together for going on 4 months so I think maybe I'll call this a half-success ;)
All in all, I am not pleased with my performance. If this were a review, I'd be getting a C- here. I'm not a complete waste of space, but improvement is most definitely required if productivity and success are the desired outcomes.
Some things, I genuinely am failing at, of course not completely, but to a certain extent.
Take my writing: I update on 9/30, claiming I need to make an actual effort at writing, and here I am not posting again until 11/4.
Therefore, when it comes to writing, I am actually failing.
Grad school: This has a way of making me feel like I am always failing, no matter how productive or accomplished I am being, because there will forever and always be more that I should be doing.
There is always another paper I need to be writing, another article I need to be reading, another topic I should be researching, more data I need to be analyzing. Even when I check off every single thing off my list for that week/month/quarter...there is another list that has yet to be written (which is just another thing I need to do!) with requirements that need to be done that just haven't made it to paper yet but are floating in my head.
There is no real way to ever feel as though I'm not failing when it comes to school, it's a losing battle that way.
My running: I've got an injury, so at least I've got somewhat of an excuse, but even the idea of having an excuse as to why it is ok to fail, makes me feel like I'm failing. I've been actively working on doing the stretches given to me by the doctor, I actually completed the 3 full weeks of doing them 3 times per day and started testing out my knee by running (very, very small runs) a few times a week, but even then I start out with 3 tiny runs per week, then the next week I fall off the mark and don't run at all, and then the next week I run 1 or 2 times or I "forget" to do my stretches (which are now down to just once a day, since the 2x per day is no longer necessary). That isn't going to help my injury and I know that, so what the hell am I doing?
I'm not totally failing at my running, but I'm not doing much succeeding there either.
My self-care: I'm not a disheveled mess. I still manage to shower daily and do my hair and make-up too. So, I'm not failing in that area, but I'm not going above and beyond in it either. I definitely am doing the bare minimum to not be totally ashamed of myself, and I realize that my bare minimum is actually a lot more than a lot of people's extra fancy but I'm not focused on what others are doing that I'm not, I'm more focused on what I normally do that I'm no longer doing. I take pride in myself, or at least I used to. I don't think this is even something that those on the outside would even notice the difference, but I do... and really, that is what concerns me, not what others see but what I see.
So the jury is still out on this area, but again... I wouldn't call any of it a success.
My relationship: I never know how much of this area I am to blame solely, since it takes two here but I suppose when something is amiss, it does not matter who is at fault, since both parties suffer. We're both so damn stressed out all the time and frustrated with our own careers/goals/set backs its hard to find the time to actually enjoy each other because by the time there is any free space for that, one of us is always preoccupied with some frustration we've got going on in the background we're not really present anyway. I think we both need to learn to press pause. I think this comes with time, with patience, with age, with dedication.
We're better at it than I think we used to be, but I think it's a long process couples take years to accomplish, and really...we've only been living together for going on 4 months so I think maybe I'll call this a half-success ;)
All in all, I am not pleased with my performance. If this were a review, I'd be getting a C- here. I'm not a complete waste of space, but improvement is most definitely required if productivity and success are the desired outcomes.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
I. AM. A. RUNNER.
If my running habit and graduate school (and frankly, my past dating history if we're being honest) are any indication of my behavior, I am in fact a masochist.
I'm never going to be a great runner. It is quite likely I will always struggle with running with my lungs and my knee problems. I will probably never run a marathon, and maybe never even a 10K.
I will never be a fast runner. I will likely never win a race against anyone other than 4th graders (and even then, they have the stamina and energy to beat me).
I may never develop an awesome form while running and will probably always resemble a wounded animal trying to scurry away from its predator.
I've come to terms with the fact that running is not a strength of mine, but a rather enormous weakness...and yet, I keep doing it.
It's similar to graduate school in that, no matter what tactic I use, what strategy I come up with... I continuously feel like I am falling short. I constantly feel like I'm up against odds that are far too great to ever actually succeed and yet... I'll wake up and do it all again tomorrow. That must be the masochist in me.
There are moments, however, that shine a little light. Just enough to give me a glimmer of hope that maybe I'm not failing outright.
"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -Thomas Edison.
I watched a movie last night that quoted Mr. Edison, One Week. Although I've heard the quote numerous times, I'd never actually listened.
When you're running, and you pass another person running sometimes they give you a nod or a wave. It is a small gesture, if you're too into what you're doing you may even miss it.
It is a gesture that says "I get it." it says "I respect what you're doing" because they are doing the same thing. This person who gives me this small gesture does not know whether I'm running a 7 mile route or just around the block. This person does not know if I've won any races, done any marathons or if this is my first time running in years. The fact is, this person does not care. This person does not see what I have done or what I will do...they only see what I am doing. Running. Regardless of all the things that I think it takes, to this person, and to the world I am a runner.
I'm never going to be a great runner. It is quite likely I will always struggle with running with my lungs and my knee problems. I will probably never run a marathon, and maybe never even a 10K.
I will never be a fast runner. I will likely never win a race against anyone other than 4th graders (and even then, they have the stamina and energy to beat me).
I may never develop an awesome form while running and will probably always resemble a wounded animal trying to scurry away from its predator.
I've come to terms with the fact that running is not a strength of mine, but a rather enormous weakness...and yet, I keep doing it.
It's similar to graduate school in that, no matter what tactic I use, what strategy I come up with... I continuously feel like I am falling short. I constantly feel like I'm up against odds that are far too great to ever actually succeed and yet... I'll wake up and do it all again tomorrow. That must be the masochist in me.
There are moments, however, that shine a little light. Just enough to give me a glimmer of hope that maybe I'm not failing outright.
"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -Thomas Edison.
I watched a movie last night that quoted Mr. Edison, One Week. Although I've heard the quote numerous times, I'd never actually listened.
When you're running, and you pass another person running sometimes they give you a nod or a wave. It is a small gesture, if you're too into what you're doing you may even miss it.
It is a gesture that says "I get it." it says "I respect what you're doing" because they are doing the same thing. This person who gives me this small gesture does not know whether I'm running a 7 mile route or just around the block. This person does not know if I've won any races, done any marathons or if this is my first time running in years. The fact is, this person does not care. This person does not see what I have done or what I will do...they only see what I am doing. Running. Regardless of all the things that I think it takes, to this person, and to the world I am a runner.
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