Here I sit... and I wait.
Rankings have been turned in and now I just sit and wait for my fate to be decided for me.
At least we only have to wait 1 week this time. Phase I we had to wait for what felt like forever (in real time about 2 weeks).
Since Plan A (Phase I) did not work out, and Plan B (Phase II) is not looking too bright either, I needed to come up with a Plan C. Unfortunately, Plan C involves staying here in CA another year, and putting my life on hold for one more year which... sucks. Needless to say, Plan C needed some glitter and gold in order to make it not seem so bleak. Besides staying here, getting some sort of practicum something or other (even though practicum apps were already due last month...so I would need to get creative), I would be able to finish my dissertation and possibly even defend before I finally left for internship. While that is all well and good (except, it sucks) it was lacking any excitement and was merely practical. Enter the Golden Goose. It was J's idea actually. He said that if I didn't get an internship this year, we should do a road trip. Not just any road trip, but an all over the map type of trip including Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, etc. We'd be able to visit loved ones along the way and get to see amazing sites like the Grand Canyon. I mean, there will be no glitz or glam on this trip. We're a broke couple with a dog, and will likely spend most night sleeping in the truck, but it will be an adventure.
The more I think about it, I am realizing it will not be the end of the world if I don't get an internship. It will feel like it for awhile, but I know rationally, that it will not be the end of me. 10 years from now, I will look back and think "see, if I left for internship (fill in the blank) would never have happened". The thing is though, right now, I cannot look back with 10 years of reflection, I do not have the hindsight to appreciate this moment and sitting in this moment right now I feel terrible. I feel like a failure, idiot, imposter who has finally be found out. I feel like I am not good enough. I shouldn't feel this way, the system is what is broken, not me. They've got 4,000 students applying for 3,000 positions. It is set up for failure (for some) and I just happen to be one.
I guess what is getting to me, is that I have been in school now for...11 years. Granted, in those 11 years I've managed to earn an AA, BA, and an MS... but man, 11 YEARS already? If I have to wait another year, that will mean it will take me 13 years to earn my Ph.D. (well, 6 since it took me 6 to get my BA), but damn. I take the term "professional student" to a whole other level. The kicker here, is that there are people in my program who are going to have their Ph.D. and be the same age I was when I started my Ph.D. program. Really a lot of this boils down to being a female, approaching 30 and still in school. There are biological clocks and societal mantras blaring like tsunami warnings in my brain every waking hour and I am supposed to just "wait another year". That is really the bottom of all this disappointment.
I'm not even sure where I am going with this post anymore. (well, besides crazy, HA!)
Showing posts with label degree. Show all posts
Showing posts with label degree. Show all posts
Monday, March 17, 2014
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Oral Comp Exam: PASSED!!!!!
I wanted to just take a second here, to commemorate this moment.
Today, I had my Oral Competency Exam at 9am PST.
It actually began a few minutes late, which was very fortunate since I arrived late. I left my house in Oakland at 7:30am thinking I was giving myself more than enough time to arrive by 8:45am. Joke's on me. Traffic was horrible, and to top it all off I had to pee so badly, it was actually quite painful that I had to pull off and find a bathroom (Target was my savior!)
I arrived at 9:01am, and no one even knew I didn't get there early. PHEW! Needless to say I was a bundle of nerves, shaky, feeling faint, out of breath, and sweaty (but really, aren't I always?)
The exam went about how I expected. Two faculty sitting across from me as I scribbled my notes on the Vignette before I had to begin speaking. I misspelled words that I've known how to spell for decades. When it came time to speak I made up some really interesting versions of words that I've never heard before all the while going completely blank on words I use on almost a daily basis in my field (ie: competent...ironic since I was taking a competency exam). I filled some of the silence with awkward ramblings and ill-received jokes. I even quoted Forest Gump "and that's all I have to say about that" which also went unappreciated by my examiners.
Despite all my uncertainty, bad jokes, and ramblings I survived.
I had finished up my exam a little after 10am. I went down to the library to finish writing up an assessment report for a class (I'm still not even sure how I did school work after that!). I knew we would find out about the results via email sometime in the next couple of hours, so naturally I was refreshing my email every 5 minutes or so. at 10:55am I got the email stating: Congratulations! I didn't even read the rest of it before blurting out a loud "yeeaaaahhh I passed!!" while flailing my arms in the air right in the middle of the library. Luckily, there was a small crowd of my peers who were either waiting to take theirs or had just finished up that were there to receive my celebration and send congrats my way.
Holy mother of all that is wonderful, I still cannot believe I passed. I earned my M.S. in Clinical Psych and it is yet another hurdle I've now cleared. A BIG hurdle, one I can actually say that I feel proud of myself that I've accomplished. It's rare I actually feel like anything I do is a success, but this really does feel like one.
It was unfortunate that I had to go about my day, as though nothing was different. I still had to go to class, still had to go to Research Group, and drive an hour commute home. I suppose I did it all with my head a little higher though.
To put a cherry on my Tuesday, I got my midterm exam results back for my forensic assessment class: 97%. Today was about the most successful day I've ever had (although I'm not counting the part about backing into the iron fence in the Subway parking lot. Doh!)
Today, I had my Oral Competency Exam at 9am PST.
It actually began a few minutes late, which was very fortunate since I arrived late. I left my house in Oakland at 7:30am thinking I was giving myself more than enough time to arrive by 8:45am. Joke's on me. Traffic was horrible, and to top it all off I had to pee so badly, it was actually quite painful that I had to pull off and find a bathroom (Target was my savior!)
I arrived at 9:01am, and no one even knew I didn't get there early. PHEW! Needless to say I was a bundle of nerves, shaky, feeling faint, out of breath, and sweaty (but really, aren't I always?)
The exam went about how I expected. Two faculty sitting across from me as I scribbled my notes on the Vignette before I had to begin speaking. I misspelled words that I've known how to spell for decades. When it came time to speak I made up some really interesting versions of words that I've never heard before all the while going completely blank on words I use on almost a daily basis in my field (ie: competent...ironic since I was taking a competency exam). I filled some of the silence with awkward ramblings and ill-received jokes. I even quoted Forest Gump "and that's all I have to say about that" which also went unappreciated by my examiners.
Despite all my uncertainty, bad jokes, and ramblings I survived.
I had finished up my exam a little after 10am. I went down to the library to finish writing up an assessment report for a class (I'm still not even sure how I did school work after that!). I knew we would find out about the results via email sometime in the next couple of hours, so naturally I was refreshing my email every 5 minutes or so. at 10:55am I got the email stating: Congratulations! I didn't even read the rest of it before blurting out a loud "yeeaaaahhh I passed!!" while flailing my arms in the air right in the middle of the library. Luckily, there was a small crowd of my peers who were either waiting to take theirs or had just finished up that were there to receive my celebration and send congrats my way.
Holy mother of all that is wonderful, I still cannot believe I passed. I earned my M.S. in Clinical Psych and it is yet another hurdle I've now cleared. A BIG hurdle, one I can actually say that I feel proud of myself that I've accomplished. It's rare I actually feel like anything I do is a success, but this really does feel like one.
It was unfortunate that I had to go about my day, as though nothing was different. I still had to go to class, still had to go to Research Group, and drive an hour commute home. I suppose I did it all with my head a little higher though.
To put a cherry on my Tuesday, I got my midterm exam results back for my forensic assessment class: 97%. Today was about the most successful day I've ever had (although I'm not counting the part about backing into the iron fence in the Subway parking lot. Doh!)
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