Week 49: Dec 2nd-8th-Patience...have any to spare, good sir?

SO much in life is requiring me to have patience right now, and frankly I'm just fresh out.
Leaving for home in 4 days, Christmas is in 16 days, I have 3 more days of work...and really, the most frustrating part about all of this waiting, is that I am still waiting to hear back about internships.
My total as of now: Heard from 6 sites, ALL rejections. Still waiting on 9 sites to get back to me, so I know there are still some good chances out there... but just one rejection, right after the other, I mean... c.mon. Cut me some slack here. Not only am I refreshing my email every 20 minutes, but the off chance there is an email about a site...it's been a rejection. ROUGH. The 15th is the deadline in which all sites need to let you know. That countdown= 6 days until I'll know all my internship fate.
Not only does this all require patience, but it requires optimism/faith/hope whatever you'd like to label it. I need it, and I am really struggling to conjure any up.

My 5 things:
1. Went to the gym 3 times: Treadmill, elliptical/bike split another day, and then yoga. I'm growing to love my Saturday afternoon yoga class.

2. I finished up a craft I'd been working on as a thank you to those who have contributed to my fundraiser.

3. Started a new craft, one I'd never done before and managed to make SIX of them. Being secretive is necessary around the holidays, but I plan to boast openly about them post-Christmas ;)

4. Baked a pumpkin pie... just because.

5. Made "krispies" as J calls them, or Saltine toffee as others call it. So delicious!

What is it about New York?

I've felt a pull toward New York for....as long as I can remember.
I know I'm not alone in that, it's a pretty popular city for people to dream about.
For a lot of people it's about the "big city" feel, wanting to be a star, or being successful.
I'm not interested in all of that.
I don't know what it is about New York actually.
I've never been but I know better than to judge it on the movies and what I see on TV. So what is it that I'm drawn toward? I'm asking because I don't actually know.
I've just always felt I was supposed to be there.

I thought I had my answer when I decided to go to grad school and originally applied for masters programs. I found one right in the city, one that didn't seem too far out of my reach, unlike some which I knew I didn't have a shot in hell at. I got all my application materials together and sent them off to let fate take its course.
There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to move from Hawaii to New York, chop my long locks to an adorable short style, and be an entirely new person on the east coast. It was, in my eyes, the natural progression of things.
I was so sure of all of it. It felt like that was exactly what I was supposed to do.

The rejection letter from New York stung in a way I didn't know heart break could. I watched that vision that was so vivid in my mind crumble in a matter of seconds.
Once I decided to go for my Ph.D. I knew I couldn't spend the next 5 years living 3000 miles away in a different time zone from my family again. Doing it in Hawaii for almost 4 years was long enough for me.
I opted instead to only apply to schools on the west coast for Ph.D. programs.
I was accepted to only one program, in California. The state I used to swear up and down I'd never live in.
Here I am 2 and a half years later, a California inhabitant.
It's never felt right here. Despite the fact that there are so many similarities here to my original home and my home for the previous 4 years, something here just doesn't fit me.
 I can't help but wonder if it's that New York pull.
I know now that whatever that force is I've been feeling from New York will likely never amount to anything more than a week or 2 vacation. I'm tied to California for another year and a half at least, and after that it's 1 year in who knows where (wherever will have me for internship) and then by all the power in me, I will make it back home...to finally make a home.
I'm not foolish enough to think I could actually get my internship there. Like I said before, it's a pretty popular city to dream about, which makes jobs/internships/housing/living there ridiculously competitive.
What is it about New York? Why do I feel like I was meant to be there? It's not a permanent feeling. I don't feel like I should live my life there, because I know my heart is and always will be with my family so unless they're all (and I mean all, cousins, aunts, and uncles too) packing up and heading east, my home will be built with them in the west.
I don't particularly enjoy living in small spaces, being around a ton of people, paying more than Ross prices for things... so what's the allure? Obviously there is more to New York than those things, but those things impact daily living...on a daily basis.
I'm hoping to look back on this whole things 30 years from now and go "Aha! now I get it, now I know why" but until then I'm just left wondering.
I guess I can't say never about anything. I thought I'd never live anywhere outside my hometown. I never imagined I'd live in Hawaii and I swore I'd never live in California. 

Christmas past, present, and future

It's the Christmas season.
It never fails, no matter what, to be my absolute most favorite time of the year.
I don't know when it all started, but over the years I've morphed into the BIGGEST Christmas crazy person I know.
Christmas has always been a favorite of mine...but as I get older, it becomes more and more for me.
Obviously, as a child the presents were a major element for me.
But even then, it was always more. It was about believing in something, about bringing family together, about the magic of Christmas.

I remember one year I think it was '92 or '93, I was being greedy and wanted to know what I was getting. I went under the tree and carefully unwrapped all the presents with my name on them, peaked to see what I was getting, and then ever so carefully wrapped them back neatly. That was by far, one of the most disappointing Christmases. There was no element of surprise, there was no wonder or anticipation. I knew the things I wanted that I already had, and the things I didn't even like.. now I had to open them and pretend I didn't totally hate them. That was the last year I ever peaked at anything and from then on I've made it a point to stay in the dark about any gifts, even when people try to tell me or give me hints. 
I'm actually surprised none of my 5 older siblings ever tried to burst my bubble about Santa.
I suppose even if they had tried, I wouldn't have allowed it any way. I believed for a long, long time. Right up until that moment in '95 where I came down the stairs Christmas morning and saw my dad filling our stockings.I remember rushing back up stairs and hiding in bed with my eyes shut tight, trying to erase the horror of what I'd just witnessed. I was crushed. The magic was gone! You'd think that would have ruined Christmas for me for years.
Then there was the first Christmas after my parents divorced. The 1st year of many "double Christmases" to come. Anyone coming from a divorced family knows the politics involved, the negotiating, the bribes, the guilt, the time management, the double gifting, the fighting and bickering. It was a lot for a 13 year old to handle. It put a damper on what Christmas had always been for me, I felt the tug-of-war that I'd feel for...well for the rest of my life. I still deal with this tug-of-war, although as an adult it's slightly easier to manage. That Christmas was the first time we'd changed our "traditions". For 13 years of my life we'd celebrated the same way, and suddenly it was all changing. It felt like something had been stolen from me.
If only then I'd know the changes of Christmas traditions would continue throughout the years.
There was the 1st Christmas after my cousin who'd been my best friend growing up and my partner in crime for everything had converted to a religion that did not celebrate holidays. So many of my holiday traditions involved specifically her. I mourned the loss of her for many Christmases to come and still find I miss her most near Christmas time. I can still see her, but these visits no longer include so many of the memories we made year after year.
In '07, it was the first year after the horrible events that lead up to my family dividing in two. For my entire life, we'd always went to my Grandparents house on Christmas Eve. Even after their passings, we still went to the same house, and celebrated with our huge, loud, fun family. We never broke tradition, ever. That is, until a select few of us upset the herd, we spoke out against another family member and aided in him being put in prison for over a decade. This marked the first Christmas we were not welcome at  my grandparents house and were not allowed to participate in the traditions we'd spent our whole lives taking part in. That marked the first year of attempting to build new traditions. It's been a rough adjustment for all of us. Each year is a bit different, still trying to figure out what the new traditions entail. My dad has done his best to make it special for us all, despite the large elephant in the room that I often feel responsible for.
In '10, I thought I'd be coming home for the holidays to see my family and the man who'd promised to marry me. Just before Thanksgiving that year, he gave me the news that he had other plans. He'd broken up with me and a few weeks before Christmas, I'd learn he had gotten back together with his ex. This was heartbreaking and lead to the most difficult holiday season I'd faced yet. He'd robbed me of the magic, my ability to believe it something bigger, and that Christmas I merely went through the motions of the holidays, but wasn't present at all. I'd lost all hope for everything and Christmas was no exception.

Despite all the heartbreak and disappointment of Christmases past, there were so many other years where my memories will forever live in my heart. I don't think I could ever turn my back in Christmas, no matter how close I came in the past. The toughest lesson to learn in life is that change is inevitable, and traditions will be broken. This allows for new traditions, new additions, and new memories to be made and Christmas is no exception here either.

This Christmas won't be like others, but in some ways it will be exactly the same. I won't be able to spend it with everyone I'd like to, it won't go as planned, but I am able to spend it with some wonderful people, I do have a very special man who survived the holidays with my family last year and actually wants to return again. I also get to be a part of some lovely little kiddos Christmas memories, that they can look back at when they're my age and remember as fondly as I do mine.
The years I was so wrapped up in what Christmas should be or how it used to be or who should have been there I wasn't being fair to all those that were there, and continue to be there. I wasn't being fair to my niece and nephews whose Christmas memories I am a part of. My new years resolution this year was the focus on what I can do instead of worrying about what I can't do..and again, Christmas isn't an exception here. I can't change the past, I can't control the future but I CAN enjoy the holidays with my family and do my best to make it memorable for us all.
 Although it's been said, many times, many ways... Merry Christmas to you :)

With just one click of a button

On this day, 1 year ago I did something I don't ordinarily do.
I accepted a friend request from a male I'd never met before on Facebook.
Little did I know that would change my entire outlook on myself, on the future, and on life in general.

This time last year, I was in a bad place. I was absolutely heartbroken after having been dumped by the man I thought I was going to spend my life with and marry. The one I'd been in love with since I was 16 and thought I had finally, finally gotten it right with him.
Him breaking up with me crushed my soul in a way I wasn't even aware was possible. I felt lower than any low I'd ever experienced before, and with the things I've endured in life... that is a pretty low down low.
I was failing classes, drinking heavily and having thoughts that were quite detrimental to my psyche (to put it lightly).
I was in a place where I could not see a light at the end. I did not see a way out of the darkness.
This sounds overly dramatic, but it is honestly putting it lightly.

So back to this friend request. I'm in the state of mind/heart/soul that I just previously described and I get a random, out of the blue request from someone I'm positive I've never met. We have one friend in common, so before I do anything I shoot her a text asking what this guy's story is.
Once given the ok that this guy isn't half bad, I proceed and send a message asking if we'd met before.
This turned into a conversation, which lead to an accept of the request, which lead to a phone number exchange which eventually lead to an in person meet up when I am back home for a visit.

Fast forward to one year later and here I am. Not only still in contact with this fellow, but happily in a relationship with him, experiencing holidays, vacations, events etc with him on my arm.Passing classes, drinking only in moderation and able to see there is a bright light at the end.

If one year ago you would have told me this is where I'd be...I'd have probably been too drunk to hear you.