Match Result:

Match Result: Congratulations! You have been matched to: __________

I did it! I got matched for internship! I got one of my top choices too and my favorite training program! Looks like J and I are packing up our lives and moving to IOWA! Wow... never in my life did I ever imagine I'd live in Iowa in or the Central timezone at all.

The night before Match Day, despite my best efforts I got the worst possible sleep ever. It didn't help that J would turn to me every 45 min or so and say "check your email again" even though it was only 1:30am, 2:15am, 3:30am, etc. I knew the results would come in about a quarter to 5, but I checked each time I woke up anyway (you know, just in case). I could barely focus my eyes on the bright screen in the darkness of our bedroom, but then at about 4:50am I checked for the 15th time and there it was. I said "I matched." "We're moving to Iowa" J barely registered what I said before I began to repeat myself. "We're moving to Iowa......we're moving to Iowa". I had to just keep repeating it to myself because I didn't believe it. I obviously couldn't go back to sleep after that and I'm finally caught up from the lack of sleep on the days leading up to match day.

A few days before the 20th, I started to have serious doubts about matching. Not because I didn't think I was qualified, or I thought my prospects weren't very good, but because of probabilities, numbers, algorithms, and the bad taste from last year left in my mouth. I had been so sure I would match, I hadn't prepared myself for "but what if I don't?". It started to weigh on me a bit and those last few days were rough.

Matching to Iowa was bittersweet as well. It meant I wasn't moving back to the Pacific Northwest yet. It meant I'd be 1900+ miles away from home instead of 700. It meant that rent wouldn't be as cheap as I'd hoped because it's a college town. Even with all of those realities, it also meant I'd done it! It meant that I matched to an APA accredited VA internship and I'd earned it. It meant I was one major step closer to getting my Ph.D. It meant that I got matched to the program I viewed as the best possible fit for me and my training goals. It meant that the matching system worked. It meant...success. I think that was the hardest part for me to swallow. With all of the disappointments, failures, and rejections I've experienced in graduate school, I've grown to expect to be let down. I've learned that in most cases, even if I'm good...I'm not good enough. Matching to a site I ranked so highly meant that I didn't fail this one, that this site saw in me something I've wondered if it even existed.

Internship starts in July, so we've got just under 5 months left of living in California... and I couldn't be happier. I'm so ready to close the book on California and move forward into the next adventure...that we now know will be taking place in Iowa :) 

The waaaaiting is the hardest part.

Oh Tom Petty, you wise man. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: graduate school is just one series of waiting after another, after another... after another.
I'm currently sitting in 2 major waiting pools:

• This week marked the submission of my IRB to my school for my dissertation. Something that should have been done a long time ago, but due to some wonderful mishaps and setbacks, is only just happening now. Either way, I've finally turned in my IRB! 
• This week also marked the submission of my rankings for internship. No, this isn't an old entry, this is in fact the 2nd year in a row I'm dealing with this internship process.

So far, this year's internship process as been much better than last years. Last year in Phase I I applied to 15 sites and got 1 interview. This year, I applied to 21 sites and got 9 interviews. So already things are looking up. In the last few months, I've traveld to a number of places including Tennessee, Vermont, Iowa, South Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, and even my home state of Washington. I also had phone interviews with Alaska (again) and Nevada. Not to mention a price tag for all of this years internship stuff coming in at roughly $4,700. Yikes! I remember some students talking to us early on in grad school about how much money to save for this process. They said "around $2,000". So I knew it was an "investment" but I didn't realize it would be almost a $5,000 investment and right around the holidays and that last month before I get my next loan check. J was super supportive throughout the whole thing and really worked his butt off to make sure we had enough money for everything else.

My final ranking list process was much more difficult than I had anticipated. Last year was simple. I have one shot, therefore they are my top (and only) choice. This year, I agonized over it for weeks, had multiple discussions with my supervisor, my internship adviser, my fiance, friends in the program, family, and I just could not figure out what to do. Everyone just kept saying "trust your gut" and I think if one more person would have said it to me, I would have punched them in theirs. My "gut" was sending me mixed, conflicting messages that may have been written in code. I couldn't figure out if certain things I was just "over analyzing" like I always do or if i was correctly interpreting "a sign". I mean how does anyone ever decipher between the two?

Ranking lists were due on the 4th. My anxiety symptoms increased exponentially over the past few weeks and I couldn't function properly, mentally or emotionally. I'm still recovering I think. I thought it would leave me feeling relief after turning them in, but I still felt exactly as unsure and worried as I had the previous weeks. I did have a moment yesterday, where I felt a small amount of relief when I started thinking about internship. It was more of a "now we just wait to find out where we're moving!" not an "oh no, this program is so far away, or this one's (blank) rotation isn't as good as this other sites" or "what if I miss out on this place because I rank this other one higher?" it was just a small feeling of excitement about when and where we would be going. It was a fleeting feeling that was quickly washed over by impatience and annoyance with the process, but I felt it nevertheless. I'm feeling confident that I will match this year in Phase I. I'm hoping I don't have to endure Phase II again and that we can start planning for our future finally.

I read over last year's entries about this whole process. I remember vividly the feelings of disappointment, the blow to my self esteem, and the ache in my heart I felt. I also remember how long it took to rebuild my self confidence after that horrific process. That almost sounds like an exaggeration, but having been through all of that, I would say it's more like an understatement. 
I'm still rebuilding. There's still a part of me that feels angry and hurt and offended that I have to be doing it all over again. I was at one of my interviews and saw a couple people from my school and my same year. They said things like "Oh god, I'm going to be so angry if I don't match!" (mind you, this is their first year applying) I said "Uh...yeah, me too. Given that this is my 2nd time going through all of this, I'll be pretty upset too". To which one of them replied "Yeah if that happens you might as well quit and become a life coach". I said "Whoa, that's not helpful. Quitting with about $400,000 in debt probably isn't the best choice" and another one chimed in "What? Life coaches make pretty good money". Wow. These are my "supportive peers"? Just give up and become something that doesn't require the Ph.D. Thanks guys. I sat there silently wishing they wouldn't match so they could understand what it feels like, but then I quickly took that back because, no matter how pompous and ignorant these people were, no one deserves to feel that shitty about themselves.

Match day for Phase I is February 20th, 10am EST. Last year I woke up every 45 minutes to check my email on my phone, thinking they'd send it early. They did, I think mine came a little before 5am PST, but each time I woke up and checked (realistically probably about 16 times) made for some horrible sleep. I'm hoping to not do that again this year. Regardless if I read my email at 3am or 7am, the result will be the same so I might as well get some rest. I'm not sure what to do with myself during the next 2 weeks. This time, 2 weeks from now, I will know the result. I just have to "wait it out" until then. I've got way too much time on my hands from now until then.

The BIG 3-0

I've been meaning to write about my birthday and the monumental event that took place at my party, but since we returned from our trip I've been working both practicums and feeling totally overwhelmed and overworked.
I thought it would be interesting to look back to an old journal and see what I had to see about turning 20 (and compare that to my thoughts now) but low and behold, my 20 year old brain didn't think too much about it and barely even mentioned it. I guess for my 20th birthday, I worked in the morning at the coffee shop, then had dinner with some family at Who Songs (where we did pretty much every birthday for a good 5 years, at least). I did mention that "old birthdays suck".... because apparently 20 was an "old birthday" according to me.
I have a feeling if 30 year old me met 20 year old me...I'd think she was pretty damn ridiculous. I know for a fact that if I met 16 year old me I'd have trouble keeping a straight face even having to try and take her seriously.

So here I am, 30 year old me. Strange. I don't feel 30. I don't know what 30 is supposed to feel like though.
Well, more importantly I suppose I should mention my 30th birthday. It was a 1984 themed 80's party. There was lots of food, drinks, dancing, good friends, family and FUN! The most memorable part, however, was getting proposed to. Think Wedding Singer, airplane scene at the end of the movie. after an intro from Billy Idol, Adam Sandler begins to seranade Drew Barrymore with a ballad "I wanna Grow Old With You".....In comes J, guitar, blue blazer and all. He totally surprised me and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

Here I am crying like a baby (keep in mind, this was a 1984 themed party...I was dressed as the chick from Footloose..the original).

Now, J and I had been discussing eventually getting engaged, but no set plans for when...at least that I knew of. We had looked at rings, gone to try them on, looked online, etc. trying to decide what was right. I wanted more antique/vintage and wasn't sold on the idea of a center diamond because well, I just never really saw myself as that kind of gal. Thank goodness J listens to me and doesn't just go for what he thinks because I ended up with a gorgeous ring and a proposal with my friends and family present (also something I had said was important).

Center stone: Sapphire, diamonds, Palladium...all hand picked and designed by J :)

So apparently 30 brings BIG changes into my life. I'm pretty excited to see what the rest of 30 has to offer.
I asked my family and friends to write me something about when they were 30, as a way to sort of see where everyone was at during the same part of their life as me. Because of everything that happened with internship this past year, the disappointment, etc I was almost hoping it would shed some light on where people were at and where they are now... also, I thought it would be awesome to have sort of a snapshot about where everyone was at the age of 30 and to include myself in that.
Just thinking about my snapshot:

• I am living in Oakland, CA
• I am in my 4th year of graduate school
• I have my M.S. in clinical psych (on my way to that Ph.D.)
• I am engaged (I have a fiancé!)
• I own a dog
• I drive a mid 90's Ford wagon
• I've got a VA practicum 

I am hoping to add to that list over the next 11 months to include getting an internship...which will also include moving to a new place/state. 

30...I just might be ready for you.

News on the practicum front. GOOD news!

I've been so busy jumping through hoops to get into the new system at my new practicum, I forgot to even mention the good news:
I got a supplemental practicum at the San Francisco VA!
In order to get into the VA system, you have to fill out form after form, refill out forms that have the incorrect date format or 1 or 2 words that don't sit right with someone. Complete the online trainings and wait for certain people to get back to regarding something or another. Then go into the VA a number of times for meetings and appointments that take about 10 to 20 minutes (after that hour commute to get there) then go back 2 days later for another 10 minute appointment. Needless to say, I'm still not in the system and I got approved on April 7th.

So this is apparently what Plan D looks like. I've now got a supplemental practicum and I'm starting earlier than others who will likely start practicums in August or September. Not only do I have a spot at a well regarded VA, I will get the opportunity to do assessments! Basically, the feedback I received from those I interviewed for internship was that I could use more assessments and VA experience...and viola! Look what I snagged! It is pretty much the most perfect thing I could have done for this extra year. Now, would I have preferred to have just matched this year and be off to internship in the fall, even if it meant Alaska? HELL YES....but since that did not work out, this is a pretty wonderful outcome for this forced extra year (and did I mention...a forced extra $50,000 in loans for this surprise year?)

I will get to experience the VA in all its glory, get to work with veterans, conduct assessments, and count all this time towards my hours for internships and apply this fall with a much better CV than last year. I managed to make a big difference, in a small amount of time. Now, I mean part of all this is just luck and chance, because you never know what people are looking for when you apply, but I managed to snag this one just over the phone (ironic since both my VA internship interviews were also via phone) and they did not even meet me face to face until a few days ago. The next 2 months are going to be a little hectic, since I'll be doubling up and doing 2 practicums until the end of June, which is when I've decided to end my current practicum. So double duty will be a little stressful. I did it last year for a month, and it really took it's toll on me, but I survived and it really helped my hours to be doing both.

And...somehow, I need to find the time (and more importantly, the motivation!) to get my IRB for my dissertation turned in. I've been majorly slacking, and I have no excuse at all. I could have already collected all my data by now if I just finished that stupid thing and got it turned in already. In fact, I should probably being working on that right now.

 

We regret to inform you...

Despite that "Plan C" being in place, the abrupt crumbling of Plan B when I got the news this morning:
"We regret to inform you that you did not match"... still hit me like a hulk-powered punch to the gut.

This means I'm in CA for another year, have to go through the entire process again, including the outrageous application costs. What's worse, is having to go through that process feeling completely discouraged, disheartened, beat up, and tossed around like a tattered, one-eyed teddy bear getting shuffled around the toy bin while the other shiny new toys get chosen.

In reality, I likely needed this time since I've been completely slacking on my dissertation, although I only put it on the back burner because I was so determined to get an internship. I could have just focused this time on my dissertation in the first place and saved myself a ton of money, time, energy, and could have approached internship applications with at least a bit more confidence than I am currently feeling. Not to mention, feeling this way is giving me zero motivation to work on said dissertation, despite the importance of it.

I mean, there is no sense in playing the "what if" game with myself. I am stuck where I'm stuck and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Except put on a smile and pretend I'm not feeling completely worthless so that no one else has to feel awkward or uncomfortable around me and blurt out how "everything will be ok" and how "it will all work out"... as though I actually think the earth will swallow me up in this moment and my life would end.

I also know I'm not alone. I think the stats said there are about 360 of us that were not matched in Phase II. I'm not sure that helps anything, knowing that the system is set up to make a portion of us to fail, and that I happen to just fall in that section. Leaves me feeling rather hopeless actually. I'd prefer it was something I did, or did not do so that I could improve. Instead, I just have to wait and play the game once more where the odds are not in my favor and chance that I could again, be a part of those unfortunate statistics through no fault of my own. 

We are driving up north this week. Sort of an impromptu trip we decided a couple weeks ago for a long weekend. Part of me thinks this is exactly what I need in this moment; to be with family, to be home. That other, louder part of my mind, thinks it is just going to be a painful reminder of what I am missing out on for even longer because of this frustrating internship shortage problem.

Plan A, B, and C

Here I sit... and I wait.
Rankings have been turned in and now I just sit and wait for my fate to be decided for me.
At least we only have to wait 1 week this time. Phase I we had to wait for what felt like forever (in real time about 2 weeks).

Since Plan A (Phase I) did not work out, and Plan B (Phase II) is not looking too bright either, I needed to come up with a Plan C. Unfortunately, Plan C involves staying here in CA another year, and putting my life on hold for one more year which... sucks. Needless to say, Plan C needed some glitter and gold in order to make it not seem so bleak. Besides staying here, getting some sort of practicum something or other (even though practicum apps were already due last month...so I would need to get creative), I would be able to finish my dissertation and possibly even defend before I finally left for internship. While that is all well and good (except, it sucks) it was lacking any excitement and was merely practical. Enter the Golden Goose. It was J's idea actually. He said that if I didn't get an internship this year, we should do a road trip. Not just any road trip, but an all over the map type of trip including Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, etc. We'd be able to visit loved ones along the way and get to see amazing sites like the Grand Canyon. I mean, there will be no glitz or glam on this trip. We're a broke couple with a dog, and will likely spend most night sleeping in the truck, but it will be an adventure.
The more I think about it, I am realizing it will not be the end of the world if I don't get an internship. It will feel like it for awhile, but I know rationally, that it will not be the end of me. 10 years from now, I will look back and think "see, if I left for internship (fill in the blank) would never have happened". The thing is though, right now, I cannot look back with 10 years of reflection, I do not have the hindsight to appreciate this moment and sitting in this moment right now I feel terrible. I feel like a failure, idiot, imposter who has finally be found out. I feel like I am not good enough. I shouldn't feel this way, the system is what is broken, not me. They've got 4,000 students applying for 3,000 positions. It is set up for failure (for some) and I just happen to be one.

I guess what is getting to me, is that I have been in school now for...11 years. Granted, in those 11 years I've managed to earn an AA, BA, and an MS... but man, 11 YEARS already? If I have to wait another year, that will mean it will take me 13 years to earn my Ph.D. (well, 6 since it took me 6 to get my BA), but damn. I take the term "professional student" to a whole other level. The kicker here, is that there are people in my program who are going to have their Ph.D. and be the same age I was when I started my Ph.D. program. Really a lot of this boils down to being a female, approaching 30 and still in school. There are biological clocks and societal mantras blaring like tsunami warnings in my brain every waking hour and I am supposed to just "wait another year". That is really the bottom of all this disappointment.

I'm not even sure where I am going with this post anymore. (well, besides crazy, HA!)

I'll learn to be positive, even if it kills me.

Here I am, in Phase II feeling like I've been here before with only one interview (and we know how well that turned out!). Everything riding on this one interview that has a snowball's chance in hell of working out.

I got some feedback today from the site I interviewed at during Phase I. They were very kind, knowing that I am dealing with Phase II now and said some wonderful things about me. They said I was a strong candidate, they saw nothing in my application or interview that was of concern, that they ranked me highly but that the slots were filled before they got to my name.

Initially I felt really great about this feedback. "Good news! You did NOTHING wrong! You're awesome" ...GREAT! But then I thought, well then...how do I improve? How do I make myself better than I am, when there's nothing really wrong with me? It would be one thing if the said "you need to work on X" or "you should talk more about Y" in your interviews...but hearing I was that close to having a placement, for it to just not work out because there was just 1 too many people better than me for whatever reason, is really frustrating.

I had my one and only interview today. It was only 20 minutes, informal discussion about the program and I was only asked one question: Why this site? 
It's difficult enough to make yourself memorable over the phone (which I apparently did for my last interview) when you have an hour and they're asking you multiple questions.
But 20 minutes? and one question? How on earth do I do anything with that? I did what I could, I think it went alright but I also know that I am competing against a LOT of people for this internship so outlook not so good say my magic eight ball.

I started thinking last night, about positive affirmations. I am such a negative person, although I prefer to call myself a realist, most would label me a "pessimist". Optimism and I are just not friends. I hate the idea of getting my hopes up, only to have them come crashing down on me. Granted, this whole realist sham I have going does not actually shield me from all pain of disappointment, I still feel it often and still deal with heartbreak, frustration, and anger about things...BUT I have a feeling it would be much worse if I filled my head with unrealistic expectations.
I also have to realize, as a psychologist in training, the power of negative self-talk and what it does to a person's self worth. (nothing good, that's for sure). What I also have to realize is the power of positive self-talk and what it does to a person's self worth.
Additionally, despite being an intellectual, I am also somewhat (ok, very) superstitious and a believer in the universe, fate, whatever it is that rules us playing into things.
That being said, on the eve of my one and only interview in Phase II I began looking into positive affirmations. It took awhile to find any I could actually say aloud without feeling like a total phony. I decided, after a number of rounds of talking to myself that I'd write them out on post-its and place them in various spots around my house.
There were as follows:

"I accept that there will be challenges when pursing my goals. I have the knowledge and ability to overcome anything in my path."

"I have just as much brightness to offer the world as the next person." 

"I matter and what I have to offer the world matters too."

Rejection tastes like shit.

After a few days of internet-free time to clear my head, here I am.
Friday came and brought with it disappointment, rejection, a lot of tears, and wine to follow.
I did not get matched which means no internship for me.
As I said before, there is a Phase II (with horrible odds) so all is not lost just yet.

What is so god damn frustrating though is that now I sit here, continuing to wait.
Waiting. I have to go through the application process all over again, building a site list, updating essays, writing cover letters, applying, waiting, hoping for interviews, followed by more waiting. It honestly feels like I just cannot catch a freaking break (really wanted to drop an F bomb there). It is just so frustrating, watching SO many of my classmates going through the same motions as me with success each and every time. I'm sure they've experienced rejection along the way somewhere (I mean, they're human so it must happen some times) but from where I sit, I see them getting placements year after year and these being their top choices meanwhile I'm getting rejections, second rounds, more rejections over and over. It is incredibly difficult not to compare yourself either. These people have been along side you for 4 years now, taking the same classes as you, applying for the same positions as you, and succeeding where you fail. It's gut wrenching.
What hurts worse is when they're announcing to the world (yes, FB is "the world") about how they got an internship they say things like "hard work pays off, I got the internship!" and I'm sitting here thinking "but what about my hard work? it doesn't seem to be paying off at all" as if to say I haven't worked just as hard as all the others out there. Obviously, they are being ego-centric and not thinking of me when they say that (and I suppose I too am being ego-centric taking their statement that is clearly meant for themselves and applying it to myself) but it still hurts.

There's a song out on the radio, I'm not sure who sings it because I am not up-to-date on that sort of thing but the chorus rings out "How and I gunna be an optimist about this?" and that is exactly the question I'm asking myself right now. This persistent "realist" also known as a pessimist was actually optimistic for once about this internship thing, and I feel like it blew up in my pretty little face. How am I going to be optimistic about this? How can I look these odds in the face after such a disheartening blow to the ego/soul/heart and move forward with my head up and my mind clear?

I did not go on Facebook for a few days because I knew I could not handle seeing people's statuses about how they got matched or where they were going to internship next year. Instead I studied the list of sites available in Phase II, contacted my advisors, updated my essays, and began tackling my cover letters. Pushing forward is all I could do (I mean this was after lots of crying and sulking, mind you). I decided it was time to face the music today and signed on to face what was waiting on my news feed. Tons of congratulations and sentiments of joy about internships, they were unavoidable.

Last night J and I watched a new movie that we came across, Dallas Buyer's Club. It's a movie about a man with HIV in the 80's and his quest to find effective treatment (and fighting the FDA the whole way). I looked into the truth behind the story and came to find out that this movie has been one they've been trying to make for almost 20 years. Due to funding issues, the difficult subject matter, etc things kept falling through. I read somewhere that it was rejected 87 times before going into production. 87 times! That is a whole lot of rejection, and yet they continued on and made it happen. Not only did they make it happen, it was a wonderfully moving and tragically beautiful movie.
It got me thinking about how much rejection some people have to endure, and yet they figure it out, they push forward, they are eventually successful. Although with how much rejection I've already endured the thought of that much more just seems unbearable for my well being.

Rejection. How am I going to be an optimist about this?

Hurry up and wait.

The waiting game.
Such a pinnacle part of graduate school, this concept of always waiting for something; approval, feedback, interviews, acceptance.
Always waiting, in hopes of acceptance and yet I'd guess 85% of it is rejection.

Currently, I am waiting for the results for internship. Match Day=February 21st at 10am EST. (not that I'm keeping track)
I have 1 shot. ONE shot at getting placed. The odds of actually  getting this placement are beyond out of left field. ONE possibility amidst about 30 other people who've applied for the same spot. That is is, my future as I know it depends on this one shot in the dark.
Sure, there's a phase II for matching. This phase is where about 1400 students complete for about 200 spots so my odds get even more miniscule in phase II. I won't even begin to think about what happens after phase II, at least not right now. I can't or else I just may go insane.
So much of grad school is trying to plan for a future that is, in the end, completely out of your control. You're a fool if you don't plan but you're almost an even bigger fool if you do because it does not matter what pretty little picture I paint, because someone is just going to come and splash my canvas with a gigantic bucket of red paint and I'll have to start all over with a new backdrop.
I can do nothing else but wait. I've been waiting since my interview on January 23rd. I knew that was my only shot, so it didn't matter that I had until February 5th to decide. I had already decided. Since then I've just been sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, waiting.
There's a slight chance I may be moving to Alaska. That is a BIG change from the sunny, breezy, and crowded cities of the bay area. I'm a planner, I love to and live to be prepared. Instead, I'm sitting here in the big grey abyss that is graduate school. The world of never knowing and ever changing.
If I don't get matched on the 21st, that means I have absolutely NO clue where in the country I may end up.
Patience. One of those things that I don't think I'll EVER obtain.
Don't worry. Don't get your hopes up. Don't think about it. Stay positive. Keep busy. All easier said than done and yet that is what you get from everyone, perhaps because they're worried too and it eases their discomfort.
By this time Friday, I'll have some answers. I know that this feeling of unknown will not last forever, but I felt like it was important to document the feeling anyway.

Week 47: Nov 18th-24th=self care at its best (and worst!)

Got another rejection today. This time, from a site in Alabama. I am less attached to the idea of this site, although the irony is that I had it listed as one of my "safe sites" as in, I thought I had the best chances of getting an interview for that one. Hmph. Whoops.

My 5 things:

1. I went to the gym 3 times: 1st time was a session with a personal trainer. He had me doing stair runs and my IT band got really angry with me about that. I also did yoga and tried spinning for the first (and quite likely LAST) time. Holy hell, I seriously almost didn't make it out of there alive.

2. I turned in all my applications so they're all completed. I even turned in a few early that don't have due dates until the end of the month.... all that just in time to get more rejections. (being a negative Nancy some how makes it easier, I guess).

3. J and I watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation :) Man, I absolutely love Christmas. 

4. I met up with some of my friends for beer and good eats to catch up down in the south bay. It was totally worth the 45 mile drive for me. I haven't seen some of those girls in months.

5. Last night I accepted an invite to a random club in Oakland to see a band called Vagabondage with a girl from my program whom I've never actually hung out with one on one. It turned out to be a really great time and the other bands that played were awesome as well. 

Week 46: Nov 11th-17th= Painful breakups with your life's plans

They say a break up is one of the best motivators for getting into shape/working out/losing weight. Well, J and I are still going strong but I had another "break up" of sorts happen last week and, although painful, it's proven to be the perfect motivator for me to get back on the fitness wagon.
I got a rejection email addressed "Dear esteemed applicant". So not only did I get the most painful rejection of my graduate career thus far, I got it as a mass email with the all other rejects. I applied to an internship site that was somewhat out of my league, ok really out of my league, BUT I was trying to give myself a little credit. The main appeal for me: it was in Portland. Getting rejected from an internship site itself isn't what hurt. I mean, I'm applying to (hopefully) 15 sites, and will only be offered a few interviews which leaves a lot of room for rejection, so that is expected.
Being rejected from the Portland site (which was the only one I even somewhat qualified for in that area) signifies a major loss for me. It means 1 more year away from home, one more year away from family and friends, another year before I can actually settle in and stop being transient, one more year of basically feeling like life plans need to be "on hold". While this "break up" with home is only temporary, and frankly it's been a long distance relationship since 2007 anyway, it still requires a mourning period. I need to grieve the loss of another year of holidays away, missing out on my niece, nephews, and goddaughters growing up, another year while J and I have to say "we'll get to that, once we move home" about our major life plans. So this break up with my life's plans was apparently just what I needed to jolt me out of this funk I've been in and get back to taking care of myself; the silver lining I suppose one could say.

My 5 things:

1. I started working out again: did 35 min on a treadmill (only about 3 of which were running) and I went to a Yoga class. Holy moly, was I sore after that! I'm still sore and that was 2 days ago.

2. I went in for an extra couple of hours to my practicum that weren't required and I didn't need to be there. I did it in order to build up rapport with a client and I think it was an excellent decision.

3. Watched Elf!

4. I made, or rather started to make, some ornaments that I plan to give as gifts. Working with my negative budget, this is likely going to be a very made-from-the-heart Christmas this year. I know my family will understand and I mean, my stuff isn't that bad ;)

5. Sunday I helped a woman who got robbed in my neighborhood. I didn't know her, and I'll likely never see her again, but I felt a moral obligation to help this person. I stayed with her through the police,the waiting, and the locksmith, until she was able to drive away. I had planned on spending the evening working on cover letters, but I think this was a bit more important.

Internship costs= admitting I can't do it alone.

I've decided to humble myself a bit (ok, a LOT) and developed a creative way to hopefully be able to apply for internship this year. I've already turned in a few applications, but without more funding I won't be able to apply to too many more... and if I actually get interviews, I may not be able to get to them without funds to pay for travel costs. 
So I am reaching out and asking for help to be able to afford this process.

http://crowdfundedu.com/fundraiser/gradschoolproblems

There isn't room for too much pride when you're in graduate school, which is a pretty difficult thing for me to swallow, but when it comes down to it.. if it is between keeping my pride, and being able to reach my goals... I choose to take a big heaping bite, swallow that pride, and wash it down with a shot of Tequila--only if you're buying though ;)

Week 44: Oct 28th-Nov 3rd= Surprise visitors!

You'd never know I used to post every Monday since lately it's been a Tuesday, Wednesday, sometimes even Thursday kind of thing. I am still posting though, so I suppose that is the positive way to look at it (since I'm so good with being positive).
This past week I actually got a really great surprise. It was Halloween and I was patiently awaiting trick-or-treaters (I'd only had 1 group the whole evening) when there was a knock on my door. I answered with my candy bowl in hand only to find my brother-in-law standing there. Totally in disbelief I've just barely closed the door and there is another knock. This time, I find 3 masked characters who start to make their way into my house. It was my sister, brother-in-law, and sister-in-law. They all showed up at my door as a surprise to let us know they're visiting for the weekend. They had come in for a funeral, which was an unfortunate circumstance but I was so grateful to be able to spend the weekend with them.

My 5 things:

1. Turned in 3 of my internship applications! One to my top choice and 2 others that are further down the totem pole.

2. Went to a comedy club in the city with my family. J had never been which was exciting to get to go to one with him and total bonus to have such a big group to go and laugh with.

3. J and I took my family members around touring San Francisco since most of them had never been down here.

4. Had my sister and her husband stay over one night. Got some quality down time with them.

5. We did a boat tour of the bay on their last day here which is something I had never done here. We even went under the Golden Gate bridge and around my favorite place in the bay: Alcatraz. The Alcatraz tours were all booked up so we didn't get to do that (I've done it once before but would gladly do it again!)

Week 43: Oct 21st-27th=near death by sickness

It finally happened. Working at a residential with children and their mothers, my high stress level, etc caught up to me and I got ridiculously sick. I mean, full on, totally and completely couch ridden sick with a severe head cold. Rendered me useless for DAYS! Perfect timing since internship applications are due this upcoming Friday. No pressure. 
Oh and, I'm posting late....AGAIN. I think the entire month of October I may have been late. I'm slipping, in more ways than one.

My 5 things:

1. Worked a lot of my internship application stuff (even with my 3 day hiatus due to being ill beyond reason)

2. Talked with my supervisor about "self-care" as it, taking care of yourself (eating/sleeping right, exercising, fun things to counteract all the stress). I'm not doing any of it, and it is weighing on me, but at least I'm talking about it.

3. I started playing the incredibly silly game Candy Crush Saga. My mom is all into it and when she was hear she had me play a level she was stuck on and, well, it got me. It's something pointless to take my mind off the stress for a few minutes, so I'll accept that.

4. When the sickness hit, I actually took care of myself (ok, by that I mean I let J take care of me) but I actually slept, got meds, vitamins, fluids, lots of rest. Took 3 whole days off (ok, actually probably 2 and a half....but that is still good!). I'm not actually better, but I'm functioning more than I was.

5. Started the Breaking Bad series with J. INTENSE! Fun to have a series we watch together though.

Week 42: Oct 14th-20th= Mom came to visit

I'm late posting again. This time, I blame my mom. Also, this post is going to be short and sweet. Lots of internship application stuff to be doing. Oh and dinner, and dissertation, and practicum.... doh. Priorities. Internships apps tonight. After this, of course. 
Also... I'm realizing that it has been a struggle to come up with things...which means I really need to work on upping the amount of pleasurable activities in my life. I'll work on that, eventually.

My 5 things:

1. Spent a day with J when he first got back watching silly scary movies like SCREAM (during the day, of course, because scary movies are too frightening at night...even if they're silly).

2. Spent some time this last week on my internship application materials.Probably not as much as I should, but progress is being made.

3. My mom came to visit this weekend. She took an RV road trip down with a friend of hers and had been staying about an hour an d a half northeast of us so she came west for the weekend. She had never been to visit since I'd moved down to CA (which was going on over 3 years now) and she's the 1st person to visit from my family since I lived in the east bay (going on a year and a half now).

4. We showed Mom around San Francisco on Saturday. She had never been anywhere but the airport so we decided she needed to see some of the great views and other tourist type places.

5. We took Mom to Napa Sunday and to the Golden Gate bridge. It was absolutely freezing and ridiculously windy, but we went any way!

Week 41: Oct 7th-13th ....whoops!

Doh. I totally and completely forgot about writing on Monday. I didn't actually remember until last night when I thought "Did I write on Monday? I must have, but I really don't remember" then sure enough I checked when I got home today and whoops! Totally spaced. I blame that on: J got back into town Sunday night, so we spent most of Monday lounging around the house and catching up.

Better late then never; My 5 things:

1. I got bangs! Pretty huge eh? I've have side-swept bangs before, but never full on, no turning back, blunt, straight across bangs. I even went to an actual legit hair salon and not just the beauty school. I also decided since I was there I should probably trim my hair since I haven't in over 2 years. It was well over due. On the plus side, it still looks long even with over an inch cut off. Woo! I showed the stylist photos of Zooey Deschanel in my phone and said "I want these".

Sporting new bangs (and sweet sweat pants!) giving love to my pup

2. I baked Banana Nutella swirl bread in celebration of J's return from Oklahoma. Nutella with anything is delightful, and this bread did not disappoint.

3. I got started on my cover letters for internship applications. First applications are due November 1st!! Ack!!

4. I watched the entire last series of Gossip Girl in one day. Now, I probably shouldn't be proud of that...but J was out of town, and I was pretty stressed out, so it was an excellent distraction. Netflix is killing me though! So many shows have new seasons up and I want to watch them ALL right now!! Then I have months of no new episodes.

5. I took the pup on a legitimate walk. He is post-surgery (hence, the cone in the photo above) so he is not supposed to engage in a lot of physical activity, but this pup is active! So I put on my running shoes and some gear to walk in and we went around the neighborhood. It was only a little under a mile, but it was good for both of us to get outside.

Week 36: Sept 2nd-8th. Struggling to stay awake.

This last week was actually pretty tough to come up with much. I have really been lacking energy in a major way and battling just to be awake at any given time. This makes it a little difficult to go above and beyond baseline.

My 5 things:

1. I went running 1 time. It saddens and frustrates me that I'm not doing this more. I'm noticing a negative impact on my body from my lack of exercise but I just cannot seem to find the energy or motivation for it. I know I can't be running every day, but I could be doing something active. I wonder what it is going to take to get me out of this slump?
   
   
2. Baked strawberry banana muffins. I chose a healthier recipe than my usual, which didn't taste as good but made for excellent grab and go snacks throughout the week for J and me.
   
   
3. I had an issue come up with the residents recently. Apparently, only 2 weeks in and I had already made a name for myself and I believe the name they used was “bitch”. I wrestled with how to handle this (should I let up a bit, am I being too hard on them?) but then I decided instead to ask the other counseling trainees to step up their authority and meet me closer to where I am at in terms of holding the residents accountable for their actions and enforcing the rules (the things I did to get the label of “counselor everyone avoids”). The other counselors really did a great job and we're now all less liked than before, but at least it is a general dislike instead of a targeted hatred toward me...but most importantly it is for good reason. I'm glad I decided to handle it the way I did and not just slump down in defeat or suffer silently. I spoke up for what I believed in and for what I stood for, and asked that others support me in this.
   
   
4. I arranged a phone meeting with a former intern from one of the sites I'm planning to apply to for internship. I despise phone calls, talking to strangers, and most importantly talking to strangers on the phone... but I decided it was a smart move to reach out. I got some great feedback, advise, and overall knowledge about the site and it was definitely the right move. 
   
   
5. I bought shoes and earrings to go with my dress for being the maid-of-honor in my best friend's wedding. About time too since the wedding is THIS Saturday.

Weel 35: Aug 26th-Sept 1st- closing the chapter on the methadone clinic

This past week marked the end of my practicum at the methadone clinic. I decided to look back to this time last year and see what I had to say when I was just getting started. This entry was just after my 2 weeks of training: August 31st, 2012:

A list of concerns prior to starting my last practicum:

• It is working with substance abuse issues
• It is at a methadone clinic
• There is an element of mandated treatment (which gives you quite a bit of resistance from clients)
• I'm going from my prior caseload of 2 clients to (currently) 6 but that number will be 10-15 within the next month.

"I'm actually curious to see how I react to this experience of working at a methadone clinic.
I'm sure there are going to be many stressful times ahead, but I'm looking forward to seeing how it impacts me, in what ways I end up growing as a clinician and as a person in general."

Now, after a year's worth of 4am alarm clocks, avoidant patients, endless paperwork, and hour long commutes (one way!) I have completed this chapter and I must say, it's almost like it never happened. I cannot believe I was there for an entire year. Where did the last year even go? Oh, perhaps I was half asleep through all of it!
I learned so much about myself as a clinician, about my limits, and the lengths at which I can push myself. I'm sure these lessons are just the tip of the iceberg for what I will continue to learn throughout this process called graduate school.
I've already started my new practicum at a residential setting for women in recovery who are also mothers and some have their children in the program. It comes with a whole new set of concerns and after being there 2 weeks I can already see how this site is going to stretch me thin and test my limits. Hopefully, I'll be able to come out of it with the same admiration for my clients and my co-workers that I've left the clinic with.


My 5 things:

1. Got a new planner! This is a HUGE thing for me. I could not survive without a planner and I do not think that is an exaggeration. At some point in community college my best friend and I discovered a planner that I have been hooked on ever since.  Here is the link to their site I promise it is  The best planner you'll ever use.
 I have been using these types of planners since... probably around '03 or '04. I've even tracked them down depending on where I was living (they are not sold at most stores). There was a year where I thought I'd try a different type because I was having a hard time locating one. BIG mistake. Thankfully, they're easier to find these days and I even managed to find some sold in Hawaii and California.

They're August to August, which is pretty perfect as a student. Apparently they make January to January now as well, but this one suits my lifestyle pretty perfectly and has for the past...10 years. Wow, I've been in college 10 years now? Oy!

2. I took a few naps, which I rarely ever do anymore but my schedule proved to be just too much for me.

3. I turned in my 3rd draft of my proposal on time! There were actually a few things I could/should have done more to it, but I did what I was able to and that just has to be good enough. Time is running out, I am supposed to defend my dissertation proposal on Sept 27th!! Yikes!

4. Despite this absolutely crazy insane schedule I've had, I managed to turn in some of my internship application material drafts to my Faculty Internship Advisor EARLY!!

5. Yesterday I started on some wedding things for my best friend that I've been put in charge of. I will have to post photos of the process of my crafts when I am finished. It is hard to feel like a maid of honor from 700 miles away when I won't be there until basically the day before the wedding. Thankfully she's put me in charge of some things so that I can feel like I've contributed (plus I think it is a relief for her not to have to worry about).

Week 34: Aug19th-25th- Zombie woman going through the motions

I'm how many days late posting now? That just shows you where my mind's been at this past week. Doing double duty for practicum at both places just about killed me. I've fallen behind on pretty much everything so it is no wonder I'm almost a week late for posting.

My 5 things:

1. I had a meeting with a professor from the "Office of Professional Development". It was not mandatory, but I wanted to meet face to face and go over my proposed site list for internship sites and see where I'm at. This professor was also one of the ones on the committee that initially rejected me for applying. She said they were on the fence about me, so they rejected me to see my response. They weren't sure I was ready. Apparently, my appeal did exactly what I had hope it would, and it made them realize that "oh, no this girl is actually ready". She said I needed to take that kind of writing and apply it to my application materials.

2. I met up with a girl from my program who used to work at the practicum I just started at. We met up for coffee (I had ginger lemonade, yum!) and I got to ask her questions about the site, the people, the rules, etc. This discussion naturally lead to internship talk, as most of my conversations do lately.

3. We took a day trip to Dillon's Beach, one of the few beaches that allows off leash dog play. It was the pup's first time to the ocean.

Felt like we were back home on the Oregon coast :) He only know California as of now, but he'll soon get a taste of WA & OR.

4. I completed 33 weeks of this "5 beneficial things". That isn't exactly an amazing accomplishment, but I was struggling for coming up with things, and that is still pretty good. How many people can say they're still upholding their New Year's Resolution?

5. (Went to bed that Friday at 8:30pm. I was soooooooo zonked from doing double time, I obviously needed it.

I'll be back tomorrow with this past weeks 5 things. Over and out.

Week 32: August 6th-11th

So it is a week after getting back from Hawaii, and I have not unpacked.
That's right folks, I am rummaging through an exploded suitcase of clothing to get dressed each morning, all the while, the clothes have started to take up more and more space as I dig deeper for other items. Not to mention, my pj's and the daily wearings have also made their way into this mound. Mind you, I unpacked J's things about a day or so after we got back but for whatever reason my things just haven't wanted to get sorted or hung back up. Maybe that should really go on my to-do list, eventually.
I have a feeling next week's 5 things list is going to have a LOT to do with food, seeing as how I just went grocery shopping for the 1st time since before we left and we are now stocked up on things for me to try new recipes with.

As for this week's 5 things:

1. I've been reading, TONS! My goodness how I love a good book. Graduate school has almost tainted books for me, but then I jump into some  young-adult novel, true crime, or mystery fiction and I can't ever remember why I haven't been reading every day all the time? (Oh that's right, that school thing keeps getting in the way). I bought the book to celebrate my 10 hours I'd be on a plane to and from Hawaii since I prefer to spend plane rides with my nose in a book. I bought a book I'd heard was a "great, easy summer read" Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. I have, so far, thoroughly enjoyed it. I've only got about 100 pages left, that I am really hoping to finish before my edits from my dissertation proposal come back and I have to face reality and shelve the book (pun totally intended).

2. I went to a non-mandatory meeting at my new practicum this past week. It was voluntary, in order for the new interns to get a chance to see how things work with the counselors, how they discuss residents and the types of things we'll be responsible for in regards to our own client-load. It also gave me an unexpected look at the dynamics between staff and counselors, higher-ups, etc. My new practicum is at a women's residential home, with basically all all female staff. After a 2 hour meeting all I have to say is HOLY ESTROGEN OVERLOAD! Yikes, it's going to be an interesting year.

3. I  had an in-person meeting with my FIA (that's Faculty Internship Advisor, you know the one they originally rejected me from getting...shame on them). Any way, we had our first initial meeting and it went GREAT! She is wonderful, she's blunt, to the point, doesn't bullshit... hmm she reminds me of someone, I just can't put my finger on it ;). I was actually able to be real with her about my reasons for wanting to go in the direction I've chosen and I didn't have to sugar coat it or package it politely. She's the first person in my graduate career that I've actually said anything to about it and I am so thankful that I did. She's helping me to figure out how to present myself in the best way possible in hopes of applying to and getting matched for internship this year. She's damn hard to get a hold of, but when you do, she's brilliant.

4. I rode the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit, aka the subway) by myself back from my meeting in SF. Now, I realize that sounds a little silly going on this list but, it was a chance for me to be alone, in San Francisco, be alone on the subway, and navigate my way home. Hmm, still sounds silly but for me, it's a big deal. Dealing with social anxiety, just riding the subway alone becomes a milestone.

5. I took a nap. Yep, that's made the list for beneficial things for me this week. I went into my old practicum (where I am now a temporary employee) two days in a row, which means 2 days in a row of 4am alarm clocks. Also, since we got back from Hawaii my somewhat-adjusted-allergies to the dog completely vanished and my body has to become adjusted all over again. This results in total and utter exhaustion and itchiness. On top of that, I spent the majority of Saturday completely uncomfortable and suffering so that night I just could not take it anymore and I took an allergy pill. Non-drowsy my ass. Sunday I felt like a complete zombie. Hence, the 3 hours nap. It. was. glorious.