Match Result: Congratulations! You have been matched to: __________
I did it! I got matched for internship! I got one of my top choices too and my favorite training program! Looks like J and I are packing up our lives and moving to IOWA! Wow... never in my life did I ever imagine I'd live in Iowa in or the Central timezone at all.
The night before Match Day, despite my best efforts I got the worst possible sleep ever. It didn't help that J would turn to me every 45 min or so and say "check your email again" even though it was only 1:30am, 2:15am, 3:30am, etc. I knew the results would come in about a quarter to 5, but I checked each time I woke up anyway (you know, just in case). I could barely focus my eyes on the bright screen in the darkness of our bedroom, but then at about 4:50am I checked for the 15th time and there it was. I said "I matched." "We're moving to Iowa" J barely registered what I said before I began to repeat myself. "We're moving to Iowa......we're moving to Iowa". I had to just keep repeating it to myself because I didn't believe it. I obviously couldn't go back to sleep after that and I'm finally caught up from the lack of sleep on the days leading up to match day.
A few days before the 20th, I started to have serious doubts about matching. Not because I didn't think I was qualified, or I thought my prospects weren't very good, but because of probabilities, numbers, algorithms, and the bad taste from last year left in my mouth. I had been so sure I would match, I hadn't prepared myself for "but what if I don't?". It started to weigh on me a bit and those last few days were rough.
Matching to Iowa was bittersweet as well. It meant I wasn't moving back to the Pacific Northwest yet. It meant I'd be 1900+ miles away from home instead of 700. It meant that rent wouldn't be as cheap as I'd hoped because it's a college town. Even with all of those realities, it also meant I'd done it! It meant that I matched to an APA accredited VA internship and I'd earned it. It meant I was one major step closer to getting my Ph.D. It meant that I got matched to the program I viewed as the best possible fit for me and my training goals. It meant that the matching system worked. It meant...success. I think that was the hardest part for me to swallow. With all of the disappointments, failures, and rejections I've experienced in graduate school, I've grown to expect to be let down. I've learned that in most cases, even if I'm good...I'm not good enough. Matching to a site I ranked so highly meant that I didn't fail this one, that this site saw in me something I've wondered if it even existed.
Internship starts in July, so we've got just under 5 months left of living in California... and I couldn't be happier. I'm so ready to close the book on California and move forward into the next adventure...that we now know will be taking place in Iowa :)
Showing posts with label graduate school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label graduate school. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Friday, February 6, 2015
The waaaaiting is the hardest part.
Oh Tom Petty, you wise man.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: graduate school is just one series of waiting after another, after another... after another.I'm currently sitting in 2 major waiting pools:
- This week marked the submission of my IRB to my school for my dissertation. Something that should have been done a long time ago, but due to some wonderful mishaps and setbacks, is only just happening now. Either way, I've finally turned in my IRB!
- This week also marked the submission of my rankings for internship. No, this isn't an old entry, this is in fact the 2nd year in a row I'm dealing with this internship process.
So far, this year's internship process as been much better than last years. Last year in Phase I I applied to 15 sites and got 1 interview. This year, I applied to 21 sites and got 9 interviews. So already things are looking up. In the last few months, I've traveld to a number of places including Tennessee, Vermont, Iowa, South Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, and even my home state of Washington. I also had phone interviews with Alaska (again) and Nevada. Not to mention a price tag for all of this years internship stuff coming in at roughly $4,700. Yikes! I remember some students talking to us early on in grad school about how much money to save for this process. They said "around $2,000". So I knew it was an "investment" but I didn't realize it would be almost a $5,000 investment and right around the holidays and that last month before I get my next loan check. J was super supportive throughout the whole thing and really worked his butt off to make sure we had enough money for everything else.
My final ranking list process was much more difficult than I had anticipated. Last year was simple. I have one shot, therefore they are my top (and only) choice. This year, I agonized over it for weeks, had multiple discussions with my supervisor, my internship adviser, my fiance, friends in the program, family, and I just could not figure out what to do. Everyone just kept saying "trust your gut" and I think if one more person would have said it to me, I would have punched them in theirs. My "gut" was sending me mixed, conflicting messages that may have been written in code. I couldn't figure out if certain things I was just "over analyzing" like I always do or if i was correctly interpreting "a sign". I mean how does anyone ever decipher between the two?
Ranking lists were due on the 4th. My anxiety symptoms increased exponentially over the past few weeks and I couldn't function properly, mentally or emotionally. I'm still recovering I think. I thought it would leave me feeling relief after turning them in, but I still felt exactly as unsure and worried as I had the previous weeks. I did have a moment yesterday, where I felt a small amount of relief when I started thinking about internship. It was more of a "now we just wait to find out where we're moving!" not an "oh no, this program is so far away, or this one's (blank) rotation isn't as good as this other sites" or "what if I miss out on this place because I rank this other one higher?" it was just a small feeling of excitement about when and where we would be going. It was a fleeting feeling that was quickly washed over by impatience and annoyance with the process, but I felt it nevertheless. I'm feeling confident that I will match this year in Phase I. I'm hoping I don't have to endure Phase II again and that we can start planning for our future finally.
I read over last year's entries about this whole process. I remember vividly the feelings of disappointment, the blow to my self esteem, and the ache in my heart I felt. I also remember how long it took to rebuild my self confidence after that horrific process. That almost sounds like an exaggeration, but having been through all of that, I would say it's more like an understatement.
I'm still rebuilding. There's still a part of me that feels angry and hurt and offended that I have to be doing it all over again. I was at one of my interviews and saw a couple people from my school and my same year. They said things like "Oh god, I'm going to be so angry if I don't match!" (mind you, this is their first year applying) I said "Uh...yeah, me too. Given that this is my 2nd time going through all of this, I'll be pretty upset too". To which one of them replied "Yeah if that happens you might as well quit and become a life coach". I said "Whoa, that's not helpful. Quitting with about $400,000 in debt probably isn't the best choice" and another one chimed in "What? Life coaches make pretty good money". Wow. These are my "supportive peers"? Just give up and become something that doesn't require the Ph.D. Thanks guys. I sat there silently wishing they wouldn't match so they could understand what it feels like, but then I quickly took that back because, no matter how pompous and ignorant these people were, no one deserves to feel that shitty about themselves.
Match day for Phase I is February 20th, 10am EST. Last year I woke up every 45 minutes to check my email on my phone, thinking they'd send it early. They did, I think mine came a little before 5am PST, but each time I woke up and checked (realistically probably about 16 times) made for some horrible sleep. I'm hoping to not do that again this year. Regardless if I read my email at 3am or 7am, the result will be the same so I might as well get some rest. I'm not sure what to do with myself during the next 2 weeks. This time, 2 weeks from now, I will know the result. I just have to "wait it out" until then. I've got way too much time on my hands from now until then.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Here's to self-care...and sanity.
Today marks the last day of my 3rd practicum in graduate school.
It is so strange to devote your time/sanity/effort into something for what feels like forever, and then to reach the point where you walk out, and just never return.
I felt a lot more attached to the residents there than I have with previous clients. I think given the setting, and the type of work we were doing it makes it that much more difficult to end the relationships. Therapy is such a funny profession too, because you're basically not allowed to have contact with any of them once you leave, its like you just have to disappear.
I know I won't just disappear, I know that I've made an impact on some of those women that will not be forgotten, and I feel similar about the roles they have played in my training.
It's just a strange feeling I'm sitting with right now.
I left, took the same route home I always do, let the dog out, and am sitting on my couch as I do most days after work. But I won't be going back next week, running my groups, meeting with residents, having supervision. It all just ended... and yet nothing feels different, except that it does.
There don't seem to be words to explain the feeling.
I had a moment on the drive home where I felt guilty for leaving. I chose my "end date" for this practicum. I started there in August, and really could have stayed on a while longer because I already started my new practicum in April, so I've been doing double time and I've been surviving. That is just it though, I've been surviving. I've been feeling overworked, stressed, at times miserable, and completely zapped of energy. I feel guilty though leaving those women when I really didn't have to, but chose to because it was beneficial for me to end when I did, for my own sanity. Self-Care they call it in my field.
I thought I'd have more to say about this day, but as I sit here I just feel brain-dead and zoned out.
I still have my other practicum tomorrow but J and I are going camping this weekend. I am pretty excited to get out of the city and be able to see the stars.
Not to mention, I am excited to have the time and energy to cook again. I've been repeating the same few meals over and over (which include spaghetti and tacos) for the past month or so just as a way to get by, but I miss being able to be creative and try new recipes. I just haven't been able to lately. I have just been skating by trying to make it through each week.
Here's to self-care....and sanity :)
It is so strange to devote your time/sanity/effort into something for what feels like forever, and then to reach the point where you walk out, and just never return.
I felt a lot more attached to the residents there than I have with previous clients. I think given the setting, and the type of work we were doing it makes it that much more difficult to end the relationships. Therapy is such a funny profession too, because you're basically not allowed to have contact with any of them once you leave, its like you just have to disappear.
I know I won't just disappear, I know that I've made an impact on some of those women that will not be forgotten, and I feel similar about the roles they have played in my training.
It's just a strange feeling I'm sitting with right now.
I left, took the same route home I always do, let the dog out, and am sitting on my couch as I do most days after work. But I won't be going back next week, running my groups, meeting with residents, having supervision. It all just ended... and yet nothing feels different, except that it does.
There don't seem to be words to explain the feeling.
I had a moment on the drive home where I felt guilty for leaving. I chose my "end date" for this practicum. I started there in August, and really could have stayed on a while longer because I already started my new practicum in April, so I've been doing double time and I've been surviving. That is just it though, I've been surviving. I've been feeling overworked, stressed, at times miserable, and completely zapped of energy. I feel guilty though leaving those women when I really didn't have to, but chose to because it was beneficial for me to end when I did, for my own sanity. Self-Care they call it in my field.
I thought I'd have more to say about this day, but as I sit here I just feel brain-dead and zoned out.
I still have my other practicum tomorrow but J and I are going camping this weekend. I am pretty excited to get out of the city and be able to see the stars.
Not to mention, I am excited to have the time and energy to cook again. I've been repeating the same few meals over and over (which include spaghetti and tacos) for the past month or so just as a way to get by, but I miss being able to be creative and try new recipes. I just haven't been able to lately. I have just been skating by trying to make it through each week.
Here's to self-care....and sanity :)
Monday, March 24, 2014
We regret to inform you...
Despite that "Plan C" being in place, the abrupt crumbling of Plan B when I got the news this morning:
"We regret to inform you that you did not match"... still hit me like a hulk-powered punch to the gut.
This means I'm in CA for another year, have to go through the entire process again, including the outrageous application costs. What's worse, is having to go through that process feeling completely discouraged, disheartened, beat up, and tossed around like a tattered, one-eyed teddy bear getting shuffled around the toy bin while the other shiny new toys get chosen.
In reality, I likely needed this time since I've been completely slacking on my dissertation, although I only put it on the back burner because I was so determined to get an internship. I could have just focused this time on my dissertation in the first place and saved myself a ton of money, time, energy, and could have approached internship applications with at least a bit more confidence than I am currently feeling. Not to mention, feeling this way is giving me zero motivation to work on said dissertation, despite the importance of it.
I mean, there is no sense in playing the "what if" game with myself. I am stuck where I'm stuck and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Except put on a smile and pretend I'm not feeling completely worthless so that no one else has to feel awkward or uncomfortable around me and blurt out how "everything will be ok" and how "it will all work out"... as though I actually think the earth will swallow me up in this moment and my life would end.
I also know I'm not alone. I think the stats said there are about 360 of us that were not matched in Phase II. I'm not sure that helps anything, knowing that the system is set up to make a portion of us to fail, and that I happen to just fall in that section. Leaves me feeling rather hopeless actually. I'd prefer it was something I did, or did not do so that I could improve. Instead, I just have to wait and play the game once more where the odds are not in my favor and chance that I could again, be a part of those unfortunate statistics through no fault of my own.
We are driving up north this week. Sort of an impromptu trip we decided a couple weeks ago for a long weekend. Part of me thinks this is exactly what I need in this moment; to be with family, to be home. That other, louder part of my mind, thinks it is just going to be a painful reminder of what I am missing out on for even longer because of this frustrating internship shortage problem.
"We regret to inform you that you did not match"... still hit me like a hulk-powered punch to the gut.
This means I'm in CA for another year, have to go through the entire process again, including the outrageous application costs. What's worse, is having to go through that process feeling completely discouraged, disheartened, beat up, and tossed around like a tattered, one-eyed teddy bear getting shuffled around the toy bin while the other shiny new toys get chosen.
In reality, I likely needed this time since I've been completely slacking on my dissertation, although I only put it on the back burner because I was so determined to get an internship. I could have just focused this time on my dissertation in the first place and saved myself a ton of money, time, energy, and could have approached internship applications with at least a bit more confidence than I am currently feeling. Not to mention, feeling this way is giving me zero motivation to work on said dissertation, despite the importance of it.
I mean, there is no sense in playing the "what if" game with myself. I am stuck where I'm stuck and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Except put on a smile and pretend I'm not feeling completely worthless so that no one else has to feel awkward or uncomfortable around me and blurt out how "everything will be ok" and how "it will all work out"... as though I actually think the earth will swallow me up in this moment and my life would end.
I also know I'm not alone. I think the stats said there are about 360 of us that were not matched in Phase II. I'm not sure that helps anything, knowing that the system is set up to make a portion of us to fail, and that I happen to just fall in that section. Leaves me feeling rather hopeless actually. I'd prefer it was something I did, or did not do so that I could improve. Instead, I just have to wait and play the game once more where the odds are not in my favor and chance that I could again, be a part of those unfortunate statistics through no fault of my own.
We are driving up north this week. Sort of an impromptu trip we decided a couple weeks ago for a long weekend. Part of me thinks this is exactly what I need in this moment; to be with family, to be home. That other, louder part of my mind, thinks it is just going to be a painful reminder of what I am missing out on for even longer because of this frustrating internship shortage problem.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Plan A, B, and C
Here I sit... and I wait.
Rankings have been turned in and now I just sit and wait for my fate to be decided for me.
At least we only have to wait 1 week this time. Phase I we had to wait for what felt like forever (in real time about 2 weeks).
Since Plan A (Phase I) did not work out, and Plan B (Phase II) is not looking too bright either, I needed to come up with a Plan C. Unfortunately, Plan C involves staying here in CA another year, and putting my life on hold for one more year which... sucks. Needless to say, Plan C needed some glitter and gold in order to make it not seem so bleak. Besides staying here, getting some sort of practicum something or other (even though practicum apps were already due last month...so I would need to get creative), I would be able to finish my dissertation and possibly even defend before I finally left for internship. While that is all well and good (except, it sucks) it was lacking any excitement and was merely practical. Enter the Golden Goose. It was J's idea actually. He said that if I didn't get an internship this year, we should do a road trip. Not just any road trip, but an all over the map type of trip including Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, etc. We'd be able to visit loved ones along the way and get to see amazing sites like the Grand Canyon. I mean, there will be no glitz or glam on this trip. We're a broke couple with a dog, and will likely spend most night sleeping in the truck, but it will be an adventure.
The more I think about it, I am realizing it will not be the end of the world if I don't get an internship. It will feel like it for awhile, but I know rationally, that it will not be the end of me. 10 years from now, I will look back and think "see, if I left for internship (fill in the blank) would never have happened". The thing is though, right now, I cannot look back with 10 years of reflection, I do not have the hindsight to appreciate this moment and sitting in this moment right now I feel terrible. I feel like a failure, idiot, imposter who has finally be found out. I feel like I am not good enough. I shouldn't feel this way, the system is what is broken, not me. They've got 4,000 students applying for 3,000 positions. It is set up for failure (for some) and I just happen to be one.
I guess what is getting to me, is that I have been in school now for...11 years. Granted, in those 11 years I've managed to earn an AA, BA, and an MS... but man, 11 YEARS already? If I have to wait another year, that will mean it will take me 13 years to earn my Ph.D. (well, 6 since it took me 6 to get my BA), but damn. I take the term "professional student" to a whole other level. The kicker here, is that there are people in my program who are going to have their Ph.D. and be the same age I was when I started my Ph.D. program. Really a lot of this boils down to being a female, approaching 30 and still in school. There are biological clocks and societal mantras blaring like tsunami warnings in my brain every waking hour and I am supposed to just "wait another year". That is really the bottom of all this disappointment.
I'm not even sure where I am going with this post anymore. (well, besides crazy, HA!)
Rankings have been turned in and now I just sit and wait for my fate to be decided for me.
At least we only have to wait 1 week this time. Phase I we had to wait for what felt like forever (in real time about 2 weeks).
Since Plan A (Phase I) did not work out, and Plan B (Phase II) is not looking too bright either, I needed to come up with a Plan C. Unfortunately, Plan C involves staying here in CA another year, and putting my life on hold for one more year which... sucks. Needless to say, Plan C needed some glitter and gold in order to make it not seem so bleak. Besides staying here, getting some sort of practicum something or other (even though practicum apps were already due last month...so I would need to get creative), I would be able to finish my dissertation and possibly even defend before I finally left for internship. While that is all well and good (except, it sucks) it was lacking any excitement and was merely practical. Enter the Golden Goose. It was J's idea actually. He said that if I didn't get an internship this year, we should do a road trip. Not just any road trip, but an all over the map type of trip including Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, etc. We'd be able to visit loved ones along the way and get to see amazing sites like the Grand Canyon. I mean, there will be no glitz or glam on this trip. We're a broke couple with a dog, and will likely spend most night sleeping in the truck, but it will be an adventure.
The more I think about it, I am realizing it will not be the end of the world if I don't get an internship. It will feel like it for awhile, but I know rationally, that it will not be the end of me. 10 years from now, I will look back and think "see, if I left for internship (fill in the blank) would never have happened". The thing is though, right now, I cannot look back with 10 years of reflection, I do not have the hindsight to appreciate this moment and sitting in this moment right now I feel terrible. I feel like a failure, idiot, imposter who has finally be found out. I feel like I am not good enough. I shouldn't feel this way, the system is what is broken, not me. They've got 4,000 students applying for 3,000 positions. It is set up for failure (for some) and I just happen to be one.
I guess what is getting to me, is that I have been in school now for...11 years. Granted, in those 11 years I've managed to earn an AA, BA, and an MS... but man, 11 YEARS already? If I have to wait another year, that will mean it will take me 13 years to earn my Ph.D. (well, 6 since it took me 6 to get my BA), but damn. I take the term "professional student" to a whole other level. The kicker here, is that there are people in my program who are going to have their Ph.D. and be the same age I was when I started my Ph.D. program. Really a lot of this boils down to being a female, approaching 30 and still in school. There are biological clocks and societal mantras blaring like tsunami warnings in my brain every waking hour and I am supposed to just "wait another year". That is really the bottom of all this disappointment.
I'm not even sure where I am going with this post anymore. (well, besides crazy, HA!)
Monday, March 10, 2014
I'll learn to be positive, even if it kills me.
Here I am, in Phase II feeling like I've been here before with only one interview (and we know how well that turned out!). Everything riding on this one interview that has a snowball's chance in hell of working out.
I got some feedback today from the site I interviewed at during Phase I. They were very kind, knowing that I am dealing with Phase II now and said some wonderful things about me. They said I was a strong candidate, they saw nothing in my application or interview that was of concern, that they ranked me highly but that the slots were filled before they got to my name.
Initially I felt really great about this feedback. "Good news! You did NOTHING wrong! You're awesome" ...GREAT! But then I thought, well then...how do I improve? How do I make myself better than I am, when there's nothing really wrong with me? It would be one thing if the said "you need to work on X" or "you should talk more about Y" in your interviews...but hearing I was that close to having a placement, for it to just not work out because there was just 1 too many people better than me for whatever reason, is really frustrating.
I had my one and only interview today. It was only 20 minutes, informal discussion about the program and I was only asked one question: Why this site?
It's difficult enough to make yourself memorable over the phone (which I apparently did for my last interview) when you have an hour and they're asking you multiple questions.
But 20 minutes? and one question? How on earth do I do anything with that? I did what I could, I think it went alright but I also know that I am competing against a LOT of people for this internship so outlook not so good say my magic eight ball.
I started thinking last night, about positive affirmations. I am such a negative person, although I prefer to call myself a realist, most would label me a "pessimist". Optimism and I are just not friends. I hate the idea of getting my hopes up, only to have them come crashing down on me. Granted, this whole realist sham I have going does not actually shield me from all pain of disappointment, I still feel it often and still deal with heartbreak, frustration, and anger about things...BUT I have a feeling it would be much worse if I filled my head with unrealistic expectations.
I also have to realize, as a psychologist in training, the power of negative self-talk and what it does to a person's self worth. (nothing good, that's for sure). What I also have to realize is the power of positive self-talk and what it does to a person's self worth.
Additionally, despite being an intellectual, I am also somewhat (ok, very) superstitious and a believer in the universe, fate, whatever it is that rules us playing into things.
That being said, on the eve of my one and only interview in Phase II I began looking into positive affirmations. It took awhile to find any I could actually say aloud without feeling like a total phony. I decided, after a number of rounds of talking to myself that I'd write them out on post-its and place them in various spots around my house.
There were as follows:
"I accept that there will be challenges when pursing my goals. I have the knowledge and ability to overcome anything in my path."
"I have just as much brightness to offer the world as the next person."
"I matter and what I have to offer the world matters too."
I got some feedback today from the site I interviewed at during Phase I. They were very kind, knowing that I am dealing with Phase II now and said some wonderful things about me. They said I was a strong candidate, they saw nothing in my application or interview that was of concern, that they ranked me highly but that the slots were filled before they got to my name.
Initially I felt really great about this feedback. "Good news! You did NOTHING wrong! You're awesome" ...GREAT! But then I thought, well then...how do I improve? How do I make myself better than I am, when there's nothing really wrong with me? It would be one thing if the said "you need to work on X" or "you should talk more about Y" in your interviews...but hearing I was that close to having a placement, for it to just not work out because there was just 1 too many people better than me for whatever reason, is really frustrating.
I had my one and only interview today. It was only 20 minutes, informal discussion about the program and I was only asked one question: Why this site?
It's difficult enough to make yourself memorable over the phone (which I apparently did for my last interview) when you have an hour and they're asking you multiple questions.
But 20 minutes? and one question? How on earth do I do anything with that? I did what I could, I think it went alright but I also know that I am competing against a LOT of people for this internship so outlook not so good say my magic eight ball.
I started thinking last night, about positive affirmations. I am such a negative person, although I prefer to call myself a realist, most would label me a "pessimist". Optimism and I are just not friends. I hate the idea of getting my hopes up, only to have them come crashing down on me. Granted, this whole realist sham I have going does not actually shield me from all pain of disappointment, I still feel it often and still deal with heartbreak, frustration, and anger about things...BUT I have a feeling it would be much worse if I filled my head with unrealistic expectations.
I also have to realize, as a psychologist in training, the power of negative self-talk and what it does to a person's self worth. (nothing good, that's for sure). What I also have to realize is the power of positive self-talk and what it does to a person's self worth.
Additionally, despite being an intellectual, I am also somewhat (ok, very) superstitious and a believer in the universe, fate, whatever it is that rules us playing into things.
That being said, on the eve of my one and only interview in Phase II I began looking into positive affirmations. It took awhile to find any I could actually say aloud without feeling like a total phony. I decided, after a number of rounds of talking to myself that I'd write them out on post-its and place them in various spots around my house.
There were as follows:
"I accept that there will be challenges when pursing my goals. I have the knowledge and ability to overcome anything in my path."
"I have just as much brightness to offer the world as the next person."
"I matter and what I have to offer the world matters too."
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Rejection tastes like shit.
After a few days of internet-free time to clear my head, here I am.
Friday came and brought with it disappointment, rejection, a lot of tears, and wine to follow.
I did not get matched which means no internship for me.
As I said before, there is a Phase II (with horrible odds) so all is not lost just yet.
What is so god damn frustrating though is that now I sit here, continuing to wait.
Waiting. I have to go through the application process all over again, building a site list, updating essays, writing cover letters, applying, waiting, hoping for interviews, followed by more waiting. It honestly feels like I just cannot catch a freaking break (really wanted to drop an F bomb there). It is just so frustrating, watching SO many of my classmates going through the same motions as me with success each and every time. I'm sure they've experienced rejection along the way somewhere (I mean, they're human so it must happen some times) but from where I sit, I see them getting placements year after year and these being their top choices meanwhile I'm getting rejections, second rounds, more rejections over and over. It is incredibly difficult not to compare yourself either. These people have been along side you for 4 years now, taking the same classes as you, applying for the same positions as you, and succeeding where you fail. It's gut wrenching.
What hurts worse is when they're announcing to the world (yes, FB is "the world") about how they got an internship they say things like "hard work pays off, I got the internship!" and I'm sitting here thinking "but what about my hard work? it doesn't seem to be paying off at all" as if to say I haven't worked just as hard as all the others out there. Obviously, they are being ego-centric and not thinking of me when they say that (and I suppose I too am being ego-centric taking their statement that is clearly meant for themselves and applying it to myself) but it still hurts.
There's a song out on the radio, I'm not sure who sings it because I am not up-to-date on that sort of thing but the chorus rings out "How and I gunna be an optimist about this?" and that is exactly the question I'm asking myself right now. This persistent "realist" also known as a pessimist was actually optimistic for once about this internship thing, and I feel like it blew up in my pretty little face. How am I going to be optimistic about this? How can I look these odds in the face after such a disheartening blow to the ego/soul/heart and move forward with my head up and my mind clear?
I did not go on Facebook for a few days because I knew I could not handle seeing people's statuses about how they got matched or where they were going to internship next year. Instead I studied the list of sites available in Phase II, contacted my advisors, updated my essays, and began tackling my cover letters. Pushing forward is all I could do (I mean this was after lots of crying and sulking, mind you). I decided it was time to face the music today and signed on to face what was waiting on my news feed. Tons of congratulations and sentiments of joy about internships, they were unavoidable.
Last night J and I watched a new movie that we came across, Dallas Buyer's Club. It's a movie about a man with HIV in the 80's and his quest to find effective treatment (and fighting the FDA the whole way). I looked into the truth behind the story and came to find out that this movie has been one they've been trying to make for almost 20 years. Due to funding issues, the difficult subject matter, etc things kept falling through. I read somewhere that it was rejected 87 times before going into production. 87 times! That is a whole lot of rejection, and yet they continued on and made it happen. Not only did they make it happen, it was a wonderfully moving and tragically beautiful movie.
It got me thinking about how much rejection some people have to endure, and yet they figure it out, they push forward, they are eventually successful. Although with how much rejection I've already endured the thought of that much more just seems unbearable for my well being.
Rejection. How am I going to be an optimist about this?
Friday came and brought with it disappointment, rejection, a lot of tears, and wine to follow.
I did not get matched which means no internship for me.
As I said before, there is a Phase II (with horrible odds) so all is not lost just yet.
What is so god damn frustrating though is that now I sit here, continuing to wait.
Waiting. I have to go through the application process all over again, building a site list, updating essays, writing cover letters, applying, waiting, hoping for interviews, followed by more waiting. It honestly feels like I just cannot catch a freaking break (really wanted to drop an F bomb there). It is just so frustrating, watching SO many of my classmates going through the same motions as me with success each and every time. I'm sure they've experienced rejection along the way somewhere (I mean, they're human so it must happen some times) but from where I sit, I see them getting placements year after year and these being their top choices meanwhile I'm getting rejections, second rounds, more rejections over and over. It is incredibly difficult not to compare yourself either. These people have been along side you for 4 years now, taking the same classes as you, applying for the same positions as you, and succeeding where you fail. It's gut wrenching.
What hurts worse is when they're announcing to the world (yes, FB is "the world") about how they got an internship they say things like "hard work pays off, I got the internship!" and I'm sitting here thinking "but what about my hard work? it doesn't seem to be paying off at all" as if to say I haven't worked just as hard as all the others out there. Obviously, they are being ego-centric and not thinking of me when they say that (and I suppose I too am being ego-centric taking their statement that is clearly meant for themselves and applying it to myself) but it still hurts.
There's a song out on the radio, I'm not sure who sings it because I am not up-to-date on that sort of thing but the chorus rings out "How and I gunna be an optimist about this?" and that is exactly the question I'm asking myself right now. This persistent "realist" also known as a pessimist was actually optimistic for once about this internship thing, and I feel like it blew up in my pretty little face. How am I going to be optimistic about this? How can I look these odds in the face after such a disheartening blow to the ego/soul/heart and move forward with my head up and my mind clear?
I did not go on Facebook for a few days because I knew I could not handle seeing people's statuses about how they got matched or where they were going to internship next year. Instead I studied the list of sites available in Phase II, contacted my advisors, updated my essays, and began tackling my cover letters. Pushing forward is all I could do (I mean this was after lots of crying and sulking, mind you). I decided it was time to face the music today and signed on to face what was waiting on my news feed. Tons of congratulations and sentiments of joy about internships, they were unavoidable.
Last night J and I watched a new movie that we came across, Dallas Buyer's Club. It's a movie about a man with HIV in the 80's and his quest to find effective treatment (and fighting the FDA the whole way). I looked into the truth behind the story and came to find out that this movie has been one they've been trying to make for almost 20 years. Due to funding issues, the difficult subject matter, etc things kept falling through. I read somewhere that it was rejected 87 times before going into production. 87 times! That is a whole lot of rejection, and yet they continued on and made it happen. Not only did they make it happen, it was a wonderfully moving and tragically beautiful movie.
It got me thinking about how much rejection some people have to endure, and yet they figure it out, they push forward, they are eventually successful. Although with how much rejection I've already endured the thought of that much more just seems unbearable for my well being.
Rejection. How am I going to be an optimist about this?
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Hurry up and wait.
The waiting game.
Such a pinnacle part of graduate school, this concept of always waiting for something; approval, feedback, interviews, acceptance.
Always waiting, in hopes of acceptance and yet I'd guess 85% of it is rejection.
Currently, I am waiting for the results for internship. Match Day=February 21st at 10am EST. (not that I'm keeping track)
I have 1 shot. ONE shot at getting placed. The odds of actually getting this placement are beyond out of left field. ONE possibility amidst about 30 other people who've applied for the same spot. That is is, my future as I know it depends on this one shot in the dark.
Sure, there's a phase II for matching. This phase is where about 1400 students complete for about 200 spots so my odds get even more miniscule in phase II. I won't even begin to think about what happens after phase II, at least not right now. I can't or else I just may go insane.
So much of grad school is trying to plan for a future that is, in the end, completely out of your control. You're a fool if you don't plan but you're almost an even bigger fool if you do because it does not matter what pretty little picture I paint, because someone is just going to come and splash my canvas with a gigantic bucket of red paint and I'll have to start all over with a new backdrop.
I can do nothing else but wait. I've been waiting since my interview on January 23rd. I knew that was my only shot, so it didn't matter that I had until February 5th to decide. I had already decided. Since then I've just been sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, waiting.
There's a slight chance I may be moving to Alaska. That is a BIG change from the sunny, breezy, and crowded cities of the bay area. I'm a planner, I love to and live to be prepared. Instead, I'm sitting here in the big grey abyss that is graduate school. The world of never knowing and ever changing.
If I don't get matched on the 21st, that means I have absolutely NO clue where in the country I may end up.
Patience. One of those things that I don't think I'll EVER obtain.
Don't worry. Don't get your hopes up. Don't think about it. Stay positive. Keep busy. All easier said than done and yet that is what you get from everyone, perhaps because they're worried too and it eases their discomfort.
By this time Friday, I'll have some answers. I know that this feeling of unknown will not last forever, but I felt like it was important to document the feeling anyway.
Such a pinnacle part of graduate school, this concept of always waiting for something; approval, feedback, interviews, acceptance.
Always waiting, in hopes of acceptance and yet I'd guess 85% of it is rejection.
Currently, I am waiting for the results for internship. Match Day=February 21st at 10am EST. (not that I'm keeping track)
I have 1 shot. ONE shot at getting placed. The odds of actually getting this placement are beyond out of left field. ONE possibility amidst about 30 other people who've applied for the same spot. That is is, my future as I know it depends on this one shot in the dark.
Sure, there's a phase II for matching. This phase is where about 1400 students complete for about 200 spots so my odds get even more miniscule in phase II. I won't even begin to think about what happens after phase II, at least not right now. I can't or else I just may go insane.
So much of grad school is trying to plan for a future that is, in the end, completely out of your control. You're a fool if you don't plan but you're almost an even bigger fool if you do because it does not matter what pretty little picture I paint, because someone is just going to come and splash my canvas with a gigantic bucket of red paint and I'll have to start all over with a new backdrop.
I can do nothing else but wait. I've been waiting since my interview on January 23rd. I knew that was my only shot, so it didn't matter that I had until February 5th to decide. I had already decided. Since then I've just been sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, waiting.
There's a slight chance I may be moving to Alaska. That is a BIG change from the sunny, breezy, and crowded cities of the bay area. I'm a planner, I love to and live to be prepared. Instead, I'm sitting here in the big grey abyss that is graduate school. The world of never knowing and ever changing.
If I don't get matched on the 21st, that means I have absolutely NO clue where in the country I may end up.
Patience. One of those things that I don't think I'll EVER obtain.
Don't worry. Don't get your hopes up. Don't think about it. Stay positive. Keep busy. All easier said than done and yet that is what you get from everyone, perhaps because they're worried too and it eases their discomfort.
By this time Friday, I'll have some answers. I know that this feeling of unknown will not last forever, but I felt like it was important to document the feeling anyway.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
How TV has ruled (see: shaped) my life
Growing up, television was a big part
of my childhood. That is not to say I spent my youth plopped down in
front on the TV, but rather, my mother worked for the local cable
company in our town. That had its perks including access to all the
channels (at the time that meant about 40), ability to watch new
releases my mom would bring home on VHS that weren't even out at the
video store yet, and an in with local broadcasting children shows
where my siblings and I were guests. Ok, so really that just meant we
sat there while some lady read to us, and they played it on the air,
but at the time I felt pretty famous. I was even on the local news
once for accompanying my mom on “Take your Daughter to Work Day”
(and yes, it was that long ago, before it was changed to “Take your
Child to Work Day”).
I viewed my mom as someone with a very
important job, after all she was a successful working woman at the
only cable company in town. Not to mention, their company had the
best company picnics every summer. Pie eating contests and all! Unfortunately, long gone are the days
of premium channels, cable, and company picnics for our family. That
company eventually got bought out by a big name, then a bigger name,
more and more companies began to pop up and my mom eventually left
the cable business.
As I approach my 30's, on a grad
student budget, "TV" just is not in the budget. Internet, however, is
essential to a student, therefore, I have managed to fit that into my
monthly bills. The upside here? Thankfully, sites like Netflix and
Amazon Instant Video (with my Amazon Prime-student membership) I can
still have a connection with my favorite shows growing up, Christmas
classics around the holidays, and countless other movies without
having cable. Now, what that does for my productivity, however, is
another story. Having such access to the entire series of The Wonder
Years, Saved by the Bell, How I Met Your Mother, and Mad Men make it
all too easy to waste away a Sunday on the couch instead of working
on my dissertation. I can't blame technology for that, though. I am
my own worst enemy when it comes to procrastination. It just makes my
poor choices much more entertaining ;)
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Internship costs= admitting I can't do it alone.
I've decided to humble myself a bit (ok, a LOT) and developed a creative way to hopefully be able to apply for internship this year. I've already turned in a few applications, but without more funding I won't be able to apply to too many more... and if I actually get interviews, I may not be able to get to them without funds to pay for travel costs.
So I am reaching out and asking for help to be able to afford this process.
http://crowdfundedu.com/fundraiser/gradschoolproblems
There isn't room for too much pride when you're in graduate school, which is a pretty difficult thing for me to swallow, but when it comes down to it.. if it is between keeping my pride, and being able to reach my goals... I choose to take a big heaping bite, swallow that pride, and wash it down with a shot of Tequila--only if you're buying though ;)
So I am reaching out and asking for help to be able to afford this process.
http://crowdfundedu.com/fundraiser/gradschoolproblems
There isn't room for too much pride when you're in graduate school, which is a pretty difficult thing for me to swallow, but when it comes down to it.. if it is between keeping my pride, and being able to reach my goals... I choose to take a big heaping bite, swallow that pride, and wash it down with a shot of Tequila--only if you're buying though ;)
Monday, September 30, 2013
Week 39: Sept 23rd-29th- Dissertation Proposal Defense=SUCCESS!!!
First off, let me start by saying: I SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDED MY DISSERTATION PROPOSAL!! I passed! it was approved!!
Granted, I have a laundry list of changes that need to be made including but not limited to changing my entire data analysis section and rewriting/reorganizing my entire literature review.
BUT IT WAS A SUCCESS!!! Regardless of how much I need to do based on it, it is no longer standing in my way of applying to internship!!
My 5 things:
1. I left practicum early Thursday, I decided I needed some extra time to clear my mind and decompress before the big day (I defended my dissertation proposal on Friday morning)
2. Baked some pumpkin Nutella swirl cookies in an attempt to distract myself from the anxiety overload on Thursday night.
3. I SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDED MY DISSERTATION PROPOSAL!! Ok, ok, I know I already said that...but it deserves repeating...and making the list!
4. J and I went to dinner Firday night to celebrate. We decided to try out a new place in Oakland, I voted for Italian...mostly just because I wanted to free bread you get ASAP ;)
5. J and I also treated ourselves to a movie Sunday evening. SCORE because it was $5 movie day at the theater in downtown Oakland. We saw the movie Prisoners...which was AMAZING!! Such an awesome suspense-thriller-mystery with an incredible cast. We had never even heard of the movie, just decided to treat ourselves and looked at what was playing. When we left the theater J said "Now, that is worth owning".
Granted, I have a laundry list of changes that need to be made including but not limited to changing my entire data analysis section and rewriting/reorganizing my entire literature review.
BUT IT WAS A SUCCESS!!! Regardless of how much I need to do based on it, it is no longer standing in my way of applying to internship!!
My 5 things:
1. I left practicum early Thursday, I decided I needed some extra time to clear my mind and decompress before the big day (I defended my dissertation proposal on Friday morning)
2. Baked some pumpkin Nutella swirl cookies in an attempt to distract myself from the anxiety overload on Thursday night.
3. I SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDED MY DISSERTATION PROPOSAL!! Ok, ok, I know I already said that...but it deserves repeating...and making the list!
4. J and I went to dinner Firday night to celebrate. We decided to try out a new place in Oakland, I voted for Italian...mostly just because I wanted to free bread you get ASAP ;)
5. J and I also treated ourselves to a movie Sunday evening. SCORE because it was $5 movie day at the theater in downtown Oakland. We saw the movie Prisoners...which was AMAZING!! Such an awesome suspense-thriller-mystery with an incredible cast. We had never even heard of the movie, just decided to treat ourselves and looked at what was playing. When we left the theater J said "Now, that is worth owning".
Monday, September 2, 2013
Weel 35: Aug 26th-Sept 1st- closing the chapter on the methadone clinic
This past week marked the end of my practicum at the methadone clinic. I decided to look back to this time last year and see what I had to say when I was just getting started. This entry was just after my 2 weeks of training: August 31st, 2012:
A list of concerns prior to starting my last practicum:
I'm sure there are going to be many stressful times ahead, but I'm looking forward to seeing how it impacts me, in what ways I end up growing as a clinician and as a person in general."
Now, after a year's worth of 4am alarm clocks, avoidant patients, endless paperwork, and hour long commutes (one way!) I have completed this chapter and I must say, it's almost like it never happened. I cannot believe I was there for an entire year. Where did the last year even go? Oh, perhaps I was half asleep through all of it!
I learned so much about myself as a clinician, about my limits, and the lengths at which I can push myself. I'm sure these lessons are just the tip of the iceberg for what I will continue to learn throughout this process called graduate school.
I've already started my new practicum at a residential setting for women in recovery who are also mothers and some have their children in the program. It comes with a whole new set of concerns and after being there 2 weeks I can already see how this site is going to stretch me thin and test my limits. Hopefully, I'll be able to come out of it with the same admiration for my clients and my co-workers that I've left the clinic with.
My 5 things:
1. Got a new planner! This is a HUGE thing for me. I could not survive without a planner and I do not think that is an exaggeration. At some point in community college my best friend and I discovered a planner that I have been hooked on ever since. Here is the link to their site I promise it is The best planner you'll ever use.
I have been using these types of planners since... probably around '03 or '04. I've even tracked them down depending on where I was living (they are not sold at most stores). There was a year where I thought I'd try a different type because I was having a hard time locating one. BIG mistake. Thankfully, they're easier to find these days and I even managed to find some sold in Hawaii and California.
They're August to August, which is pretty perfect as a student. Apparently they make January to January now as well, but this one suits my lifestyle pretty perfectly and has for the past...10 years. Wow, I've been in college 10 years now? Oy!
2. I took a few naps, which I rarely ever do anymore but my schedule proved to be just too much for me.
3. I turned in my 3rd draft of my proposal on time! There were actually a few things I could/should have done more to it, but I did what I was able to and that just has to be good enough. Time is running out, I am supposed to defend my dissertation proposal on Sept 27th!! Yikes!
4. Despite this absolutely crazy insane schedule I've had, I managed to turn in some of my internship application material drafts to my Faculty Internship Advisor EARLY!!
5. Yesterday I started on some wedding things for my best friend that I've been put in charge of. I will have to post photos of the process of my crafts when I am finished. It is hard to feel like a maid of honor from 700 miles away when I won't be there until basically the day before the wedding. Thankfully she's put me in charge of some things so that I can feel like I've contributed (plus I think it is a relief for her not to have to worry about).
A list of concerns prior to starting my last practicum:
- It is working with substance abuse issues
- It is at a methadone clinic
- There is an element of mandated treatment (which gives you quite a bit of resistance from clients)
- I'm going from my prior caseload of 2 clients to (currently) 6 but that number will be 10-15 within the next month.
I'm sure there are going to be many stressful times ahead, but I'm looking forward to seeing how it impacts me, in what ways I end up growing as a clinician and as a person in general."
Now, after a year's worth of 4am alarm clocks, avoidant patients, endless paperwork, and hour long commutes (one way!) I have completed this chapter and I must say, it's almost like it never happened. I cannot believe I was there for an entire year. Where did the last year even go? Oh, perhaps I was half asleep through all of it!
I learned so much about myself as a clinician, about my limits, and the lengths at which I can push myself. I'm sure these lessons are just the tip of the iceberg for what I will continue to learn throughout this process called graduate school.
I've already started my new practicum at a residential setting for women in recovery who are also mothers and some have their children in the program. It comes with a whole new set of concerns and after being there 2 weeks I can already see how this site is going to stretch me thin and test my limits. Hopefully, I'll be able to come out of it with the same admiration for my clients and my co-workers that I've left the clinic with.
My 5 things:
1. Got a new planner! This is a HUGE thing for me. I could not survive without a planner and I do not think that is an exaggeration. At some point in community college my best friend and I discovered a planner that I have been hooked on ever since. Here is the link to their site I promise it is The best planner you'll ever use.
I have been using these types of planners since... probably around '03 or '04. I've even tracked them down depending on where I was living (they are not sold at most stores). There was a year where I thought I'd try a different type because I was having a hard time locating one. BIG mistake. Thankfully, they're easier to find these days and I even managed to find some sold in Hawaii and California.
2. I took a few naps, which I rarely ever do anymore but my schedule proved to be just too much for me.
3. I turned in my 3rd draft of my proposal on time! There were actually a few things I could/should have done more to it, but I did what I was able to and that just has to be good enough. Time is running out, I am supposed to defend my dissertation proposal on Sept 27th!! Yikes!
4. Despite this absolutely crazy insane schedule I've had, I managed to turn in some of my internship application material drafts to my Faculty Internship Advisor EARLY!!
5. Yesterday I started on some wedding things for my best friend that I've been put in charge of. I will have to post photos of the process of my crafts when I am finished. It is hard to feel like a maid of honor from 700 miles away when I won't be there until basically the day before the wedding. Thankfully she's put me in charge of some things so that I can feel like I've contributed (plus I think it is a relief for her not to have to worry about).
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Week 29: July 15th-21st...Dissertation proposal is swallowing me whole!
Late again. This time, I blame my dissertation. I've spent the last 2 days engulfed in proposal editing. It is the most frustrating, time consuming task ever. You read, search, write, delete, rewrite, search, read some more....6 hours pass and you have about a paragraph more than you started with. Talk about feeling worthless.
The good news: in a week J and I will be heading to Hawaii for a MUCH needed vacation. Ok, so I'm presenting at a conference and that means its not all play and no work, but I'm going to attempt to do a minimal amount of work to the best of my ability.
On to my 5 things:
1. I went running once. WHAT?! I ran, unbelievable. Especially since I haven't been in weeks. I only did it once though, but hey that is better than none. I just have to keep telling myself that so I don't get completely discouraged. Crazy to think I injured my knee (IT band) a year ago. Now actually, I do feel pretty worthless. A year after my injury and I only went running once. I need to work on that. Really need to make it a priority. This is my verbal agreement to myself to step it up (literally!).
2. My time at my practicum is coming to an end. I am done at the end of this month. I was approached by a higher-up asking if I'd be willing to stay on during the month of August to help out with the transition to the new interns because they're pretty short-staffed. She urged me to talk with the director about it and said I could get paid as a part-time employee. So I discussed it will the director and it seemed like he was dragging his feet about it. Kept saying he wasn't sure if HR would go for it, blah blah. I mean, I wasn't totally all for the idea. The thought of having to wake up at 4am for another month (when I've been counting down the days!!) didn't sound great, plus the commute, and increase in work load since I'll be starting my next practicum in August all made me think twice about pestering the director. BUT, then I had a little chat with myself and realized I was recently rejected by my school for applying to internship. Granted, I appealed, etc but ultimately, on paper, I don't look all that great. This would give me an opportunity to get paid (which I desperately need!) and to increase my CV and hours for internship applications. This is something that is important for my career. So, I proceeded to bother the director about it, a number of times until finally: Success. He said we'll go ahead with it! So, although it is added responsibility and stress, what part of bettering yourself isn't?
3. Speaking of needing to beef up that pathetic CV of mine: I talked with my current supervisor and discussed my situation about needing additional experience and my willingness to do additional work. All this is still in the works, but there is potential for me to continue working with him at another site he does work for and getting assessment hours (which I really need). Again, it's additional stress, work, commuting, shitty hours with no pay, but it is experience. I'm motivated to not have to stay here an additional year so I want to be able to apply on time for internship (and actually have a shot at getting matched!).
4. Sunday morning J and I decided to treat ourselves to donuts from Dick's Donuts down the road from us :)
5. I spent quality time with my pup; cuddling, playing around, and running around outside. Alright, I admit...he's growing on me.
The good news: in a week J and I will be heading to Hawaii for a MUCH needed vacation. Ok, so I'm presenting at a conference and that means its not all play and no work, but I'm going to attempt to do a minimal amount of work to the best of my ability.
On to my 5 things:
1. I went running once. WHAT?! I ran, unbelievable. Especially since I haven't been in weeks. I only did it once though, but hey that is better than none. I just have to keep telling myself that so I don't get completely discouraged. Crazy to think I injured my knee (IT band) a year ago. Now actually, I do feel pretty worthless. A year after my injury and I only went running once. I need to work on that. Really need to make it a priority. This is my verbal agreement to myself to step it up (literally!).
2. My time at my practicum is coming to an end. I am done at the end of this month. I was approached by a higher-up asking if I'd be willing to stay on during the month of August to help out with the transition to the new interns because they're pretty short-staffed. She urged me to talk with the director about it and said I could get paid as a part-time employee. So I discussed it will the director and it seemed like he was dragging his feet about it. Kept saying he wasn't sure if HR would go for it, blah blah. I mean, I wasn't totally all for the idea. The thought of having to wake up at 4am for another month (when I've been counting down the days!!) didn't sound great, plus the commute, and increase in work load since I'll be starting my next practicum in August all made me think twice about pestering the director. BUT, then I had a little chat with myself and realized I was recently rejected by my school for applying to internship. Granted, I appealed, etc but ultimately, on paper, I don't look all that great. This would give me an opportunity to get paid (which I desperately need!) and to increase my CV and hours for internship applications. This is something that is important for my career. So, I proceeded to bother the director about it, a number of times until finally: Success. He said we'll go ahead with it! So, although it is added responsibility and stress, what part of bettering yourself isn't?
3. Speaking of needing to beef up that pathetic CV of mine: I talked with my current supervisor and discussed my situation about needing additional experience and my willingness to do additional work. All this is still in the works, but there is potential for me to continue working with him at another site he does work for and getting assessment hours (which I really need). Again, it's additional stress, work, commuting, shitty hours with no pay, but it is experience. I'm motivated to not have to stay here an additional year so I want to be able to apply on time for internship (and actually have a shot at getting matched!).
4. Sunday morning J and I decided to treat ourselves to donuts from Dick's Donuts down the road from us :)
5. I spent quality time with my pup; cuddling, playing around, and running around outside. Alright, I admit...he's growing on me.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Week 26: June 24th-30th- Rejection is my middle name
Friday I received an email stating "it does not appear that you are adequately competitive to match at an APA site this year." Which means my intent to apply application for internship was REJECTED and I quickly boarded the train to Bummertown, USA.
This meant that I would have to wait another year before even applying to internship. My mind began racing with all the things I would be missing out on and how that would mean I'd be gone away from my family for nearly a decade before I was able to return and my heart just completely sank.
After wallowing in self pity for a bit, I decided to take them up on their offer of an appeal. I waited until my brain had some time to cool down (that nice hour long commute from my practicum with no AC and 100 degrees did the trick). I sat down and put into words why I thought I deserved to be able to apply on time. I was informed after I sent in my appeal that the committee would be reviewing my appeal August 12th. AUGUST?! I'd have to wait another month and a half to know my fate? That seemed so cruel and unfair. I pouted a bit more, vented, cried and then went about my weekend.
Much to my surprise, I received an email today with the following opener: "On the basis of your appeal, the Application Review Committee agrees that you should be assigned an FIA and can proceed with your internship applications."
HOT DAMN! Apparently I made a convincing enough argument (and they happened to review it) and they overturned the original decision and are now allowing me to apply. I'm not sure what I said that changed their minds, but I am so very thankful it worked!
Technically, there is no guarantee that I will be able to apply, my application materials still need to have the final OK by the director of clinical training but even still...at least I'm not allowed to try.
I'm actually kind of proud of myself. That I was able to do something about the shitty hand I was dealt, that I was able to effectively communicate my thoughts enough to persuade a committee to overturn my initial rejection status they had given me, and that I was able to do so in a mature manner (because trust me, the things I wanted to put into that appeal letter, while true, would not have won me any brownie points).
Gold star for taking the high road and getting results! (and so quickly too!)
My 5 things:
1. Went running once. It was a difficult run for me for some reason, but I ran into these lovely beings and it totally made my day.
This meant that I would have to wait another year before even applying to internship. My mind began racing with all the things I would be missing out on and how that would mean I'd be gone away from my family for nearly a decade before I was able to return and my heart just completely sank.
After wallowing in self pity for a bit, I decided to take them up on their offer of an appeal. I waited until my brain had some time to cool down (that nice hour long commute from my practicum with no AC and 100 degrees did the trick). I sat down and put into words why I thought I deserved to be able to apply on time. I was informed after I sent in my appeal that the committee would be reviewing my appeal August 12th. AUGUST?! I'd have to wait another month and a half to know my fate? That seemed so cruel and unfair. I pouted a bit more, vented, cried and then went about my weekend.
Much to my surprise, I received an email today with the following opener: "On the basis of your appeal, the Application Review Committee agrees that you should be assigned an FIA and can proceed with your internship applications."
HOT DAMN! Apparently I made a convincing enough argument (and they happened to review it) and they overturned the original decision and are now allowing me to apply. I'm not sure what I said that changed their minds, but I am so very thankful it worked!
Technically, there is no guarantee that I will be able to apply, my application materials still need to have the final OK by the director of clinical training but even still...at least I'm not allowed to try.
I'm actually kind of proud of myself. That I was able to do something about the shitty hand I was dealt, that I was able to effectively communicate my thoughts enough to persuade a committee to overturn my initial rejection status they had given me, and that I was able to do so in a mature manner (because trust me, the things I wanted to put into that appeal letter, while true, would not have won me any brownie points).
Gold star for taking the high road and getting results! (and so quickly too!)
My 5 things:
1. Went running once. It was a difficult run for me for some reason, but I ran into these lovely beings and it totally made my day.
2. Went on a 7 (and some change) mile bike ride. It's been scorching hot in the bay and I really wanted to be in the sun. It was J's idea for a ride. I was originally planning on laying on the beach. I suppose his plan was better (healthier). It was an awesome ride right on the bay so the breeze felt wonderful in that 90+ heat.
3. While on said bike ride, we were able to stop and take a gander at some birds. The bike trail was on a wildlife refuge so there was prime sightings of some beautiful birds. Binoculars and all, we were total bird nerds.
4. In order to escape out house, we went out and got sushi and a beer in Alameda. Afterwards we took a walk down Park Street in order to enjoy the warm evening (and avoid the sauna we live in). It was really nice just to "stroll" with J and peak into windows of little shops.
5. On Sunday after our bike ride, it was still entirely too hot to handle the inside of our house. We decided to head to the movies, not caring what we saw, just to enjoy the air conditioned building. We chose to see This is the End, despite a mediocre trailer because it was the one J seemed the least bummed about. Little did I realize I would be laughing hysterically the entire time. Holy Moly, those guys are just TOO FUNNY!! I mean, I always enjoy those guys and think they're super comical, but the trailer just bummed me out and I couldn't imagine how it would be that funny. They proved me wrong and I had a blast beating the heat.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Week 23: June 3rd-9th 2013 No more pencil, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks!
Oy! I almost forgot to post today!
I cannot have 2 weeks in a row where I'm late, that is just bad form.
So this past week something somewhat monumental occurred. I attended my last class ever in my graduate career. Apparently, I've learned everything I can in the classroom, and now it's just working in the field and on my dissertation. Crazy. Speaking of...I'm supposed to have my 1st draft of my proposal by this Friday. I'm at about 17 of the 50 pages I need. This should be an interesting week.
My 5 things:
1. I baked cookies in celebration of my last day of class. It was all I could do to stay sane knowing I had a 60 minute group presentation and a 15 minute individual presentation looming the following day. I really know how to go out with a bang...my last class ever was spent in front of the class for about half the 3 hour class.
2. After I attended my last official class of my graduate career, I went over to to Chevy's (which is across the street from my school's clinic campus) with some girls from my program to celebrate. I only had an hour to spare as I needed to be in research group at 5pm and class got out at 3:50pm. Just enough time to enjoy a happy hour margarita, shoot the shit with some friends and load up on chips and salsa.
3. J and I took our free movie ticket and went to see a movie Saturday night. only having to pay for 1 ticket feels like it's a treat ;) I'd been wanting to go see The Great Gatsby, but since we'd been dragging our feet to get to the theater for weeks, it was no longer playing at the Regal's by our house. Instead, we went to see The Internship. That is how much I love J (well, and Vince Vaughn). The fact that I was willing to sit through 2 hours of my arch nemesis (and PAY to do so!!) tells you how much I love them. I absolutely despise Owen Wilson. I cannot stand the way he talks, his facr, his mouth, his voice... hell I never saw the movie Cars...just because he did the voice for the animated movie! That is how much I despise him. I usually boycott his movies, but will admit.. when Vince Vaughn is in them... I make an exception. The good news is: the movie was good enough that I could almost tolerate his bleached-butt-hole-looking lips and that annoying voice. Plus, I love popcorn.
4. I called my sister who I hadn't talked to in awhile and had a really great talk. J referred to us as "2 hens in a hen house...cackling away". It's rare enough to find a friend like that, and even more so to share 50% of your DNA with them. I hate that I'm so far away, but when she and I are able to have a talk like that where we just really get each other, and can laugh, and relate... it feels like I'm right there with her.
5. I tried my hardest to sleep in on the weekend. I think I made it until about 8am...and that was pushing it.
I cannot have 2 weeks in a row where I'm late, that is just bad form.
So this past week something somewhat monumental occurred. I attended my last class ever in my graduate career. Apparently, I've learned everything I can in the classroom, and now it's just working in the field and on my dissertation. Crazy. Speaking of...I'm supposed to have my 1st draft of my proposal by this Friday. I'm at about 17 of the 50 pages I need. This should be an interesting week.
My 5 things:
1. I baked cookies in celebration of my last day of class. It was all I could do to stay sane knowing I had a 60 minute group presentation and a 15 minute individual presentation looming the following day. I really know how to go out with a bang...my last class ever was spent in front of the class for about half the 3 hour class.
2. After I attended my last official class of my graduate career, I went over to to Chevy's (which is across the street from my school's clinic campus) with some girls from my program to celebrate. I only had an hour to spare as I needed to be in research group at 5pm and class got out at 3:50pm. Just enough time to enjoy a happy hour margarita, shoot the shit with some friends and load up on chips and salsa.
3. J and I took our free movie ticket and went to see a movie Saturday night. only having to pay for 1 ticket feels like it's a treat ;) I'd been wanting to go see The Great Gatsby, but since we'd been dragging our feet to get to the theater for weeks, it was no longer playing at the Regal's by our house. Instead, we went to see The Internship. That is how much I love J (well, and Vince Vaughn). The fact that I was willing to sit through 2 hours of my arch nemesis (and PAY to do so!!) tells you how much I love them. I absolutely despise Owen Wilson. I cannot stand the way he talks, his facr, his mouth, his voice... hell I never saw the movie Cars...just because he did the voice for the animated movie! That is how much I despise him. I usually boycott his movies, but will admit.. when Vince Vaughn is in them... I make an exception. The good news is: the movie was good enough that I could almost tolerate his bleached-butt-hole-looking lips and that annoying voice. Plus, I love popcorn.
4. I called my sister who I hadn't talked to in awhile and had a really great talk. J referred to us as "2 hens in a hen house...cackling away". It's rare enough to find a friend like that, and even more so to share 50% of your DNA with them. I hate that I'm so far away, but when she and I are able to have a talk like that where we just really get each other, and can laugh, and relate... it feels like I'm right there with her.
5. I tried my hardest to sleep in on the weekend. I think I made it until about 8am...and that was pushing it.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Week 21: May 20th-26th...any day now
I was going to start out with how it is "that time of year" when everything piles up and I feel like I might explode...but then I realized, when is it NOT that time for me? We're nearing the end of the quarter so it feels more so than usual, especially since I'm supposed to somehow have a 1st draft of my dissertation proposal by 6/14 and let me just say, I am definitely no where near close to having that (it's about a 40-50 page proposal of which I have maybe about 5 pages written). Add that to everything else that is going on plus trying to be somewhat excited about a trip to Hawaii that we're planning, having to worry about moving in July, and trying to not completely dread this birthday I've got coming this week. I could really use some major stress relief. Any day now.
My 5 things:
1. Went running. Unfortunately, only once...again. I went on Tuesday, and actually had to stop partway through it because of my injury. It started hurting pretty severely at just under a mile and a half. I decided not to push it and the whole rest of the day I was in pain. This pain continued (although dulled) over the next few days which lead to my pathetic running count of 1 for the week.
2. I actually wrote in here, not just on my usual Monday update. It is rare I find the combination of time/energy/motivation to sit down and compile my thoughts into print but when the planets align, it really is a wonderful outlet. There is always so much spinning around in my head and when I'm able to release an ounce of it here or there it makes a world of difference.
3. I baked cookies on Saturday for a BBQ I was attending on Sunday. I made my now-becoming-a-staple peanut butter cookies. I ran into a problem when I realized I was stuck at home without a vehicle and didn't have an eggs. Thankfully, I was able to get creative and utilized a substitute that, while it sounds disgusting, turned out to work pretty well. I only needed one egg, and a couple tbsp of mayonnaise did the trick just fine. They were a big hit with everyone, until I told J the magic ingredient and then he decided they were "gross".
4. Saturday evening my friend Rob who was down in the area for business came over to our side of the bay to get some drinks in early celebration for my birthday. Rob, J and I went to Alameda to a bar and got some drinks and toasted to me turning yet another year older. Thankfully, Rob is turning 30 this year so I didn't feel so old. I drank too much, which rarely happens and I didn't have to drive, which also rarely happens (and is likely why the 1st thing is a rarity).
5. Sunday, in all my hungover glory, we went to a BBQ at Rob's sister's house. There was tons of delicious food to which I made sure to eat any and everything available to me. I'm not sure why, but when I'm hungover it is like I am unable to get full. I just want to eat all day long....so I did. It was nice to be outside in the sun, eating wonderful food.
My 5 things:
1. Went running. Unfortunately, only once...again. I went on Tuesday, and actually had to stop partway through it because of my injury. It started hurting pretty severely at just under a mile and a half. I decided not to push it and the whole rest of the day I was in pain. This pain continued (although dulled) over the next few days which lead to my pathetic running count of 1 for the week.
2. I actually wrote in here, not just on my usual Monday update. It is rare I find the combination of time/energy/motivation to sit down and compile my thoughts into print but when the planets align, it really is a wonderful outlet. There is always so much spinning around in my head and when I'm able to release an ounce of it here or there it makes a world of difference.
3. I baked cookies on Saturday for a BBQ I was attending on Sunday. I made my now-becoming-a-staple peanut butter cookies. I ran into a problem when I realized I was stuck at home without a vehicle and didn't have an eggs. Thankfully, I was able to get creative and utilized a substitute that, while it sounds disgusting, turned out to work pretty well. I only needed one egg, and a couple tbsp of mayonnaise did the trick just fine. They were a big hit with everyone, until I told J the magic ingredient and then he decided they were "gross".
4. Saturday evening my friend Rob who was down in the area for business came over to our side of the bay to get some drinks in early celebration for my birthday. Rob, J and I went to Alameda to a bar and got some drinks and toasted to me turning yet another year older. Thankfully, Rob is turning 30 this year so I didn't feel so old. I drank too much, which rarely happens and I didn't have to drive, which also rarely happens (and is likely why the 1st thing is a rarity).
5. Sunday, in all my hungover glory, we went to a BBQ at Rob's sister's house. There was tons of delicious food to which I made sure to eat any and everything available to me. I'm not sure why, but when I'm hungover it is like I am unable to get full. I just want to eat all day long....so I did. It was nice to be outside in the sun, eating wonderful food.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Where we've been and where we're going
As I'm quickly coming upon the birthday that will bring me into the last year of my 20's, I have a number of things going through my mind. It's so easy to focus on what all we haven't done, how much time has gone by and all the opportunities that we've missed out on or have passed by and can no longer have or do.
Living in the world we do with such a focus on youth and beauty I already feel washed up and like a has-been before I've even turned 30.
Yesterday my best friend tells me that the doctors said she may have something I've only ever heard of in those commercials with wrinkly people with white hair who move slow. Some form of arthritis which I had to google in order to know what it was.
The grey hair started years ago, along with the traces of the years on my face. This is only going to continue. There is no turning back, youth leaves us a little bit more each day. I'll never be that 16 year old that could eat an entire marionberry pie in a day (that's 3,000 calories for the whole pie, by the way) followed by gallons of Mountain Dew and king sized Reese's the next day and still weigh 125lbs. Although, just the thought of all that sugar is actually making me a little nauseous. I've already noticed the impact of a life of 9 hours parked in a chair in an office and 2 hours a day sedentary as I commute. The disheartening thing, is that it only gets more difficult from here. I'm not 16 anymore and when I'm 40, I'll wish it were as simple as it was at 28 (despite how much I'm complaining now).
Today I was reading something my old English teacher wrote. She mentioned something about how she taught high school for the 1st 10 years of her career. I started thinking. When I sat in her class at the age of 15, I had no idea that this woman hadn't been teaching her entire life (when you're 15, everyone over 18 seems like they're 40...turns out she was only in her late 20's!) or that she wouldn't be doing that for the rest of her career. To me, she was a teacher. That's it. That is what she did. Looking back, I see that although she spent 10 years doing that, 10 years is not your entire career. She's expanding her career and doing more than what she was doing at 28. Granted, I'm much further behind than that. I'm not into my career yet, but I am working in my field. Right now it feels like grad school is taking forever and a life time. I'm putting so much on hold in order to be doing this right now. But when I'm in my 40's, will this 5 years really seem like a lifetime or will it feel, as with most things, that it was merely a blink of an eye. I keep getting so bogged down about decisions I've had to make recently and what doors they've closed for me...and maybe for the first 10 years of my career, those doors will have to remain shut. But what is to stop me from figuring out a way to spend the following 10 doing what I set out to do? Or expanding to include some of the things I am hoping I'll get to do someday. There are a lot of politics in my field, that will make it impossible for me to do what I really want right out of graduate school, and maybe I've been looking at this all wrong. I took that as "you'll never work in the area you want because you didn't get your foot in the door in graduate school". All it really means, is I won't get to work in my area of interest for awhile. Maybe for 5 or 10 years. Maybe 15. But who is to say it will never happen? As my former teacher modeled: even if you spend 10 years working in one area of your field, it does not define your career. You can shift, you can expand, you can go in another direction if you so choose and are willing to take the steps necessary. Maybe I need those 10 or 15 years working in different areas in order to be ready for the work I want to do.
Today marks my mother's 1st day of retirement. Talk about a woman who has lived a million life times and isn't even 65. I think that is, in part, what sparked me thinking about all of this. I didn't know my mom when she was 28 (I wasn't born for another 5 years) but I'm sure the plans she had for herself, with 4 children and on her 3rd marriage, were not the same plans she had when she was 40 with 6 children and working full time. Regardless of where her 28 year old self thought she'd be when she reached her 40's, life had its own plan. Now in her 60's, she embarking on a new chapter. All her children are grown, she's no longer tied to a job where she has to be somewhere and on someone's time-clock. She's starting something completely new that she's never done before. Even with all that life behind her, she's got (hopefully) many, many years ahead of herself.
We can spend all our time mourning what we don't have and what we've missed out on, or we can open our eyes and realize all that we have in front of us...right now.
Living in the world we do with such a focus on youth and beauty I already feel washed up and like a has-been before I've even turned 30.
Yesterday my best friend tells me that the doctors said she may have something I've only ever heard of in those commercials with wrinkly people with white hair who move slow. Some form of arthritis which I had to google in order to know what it was.
The grey hair started years ago, along with the traces of the years on my face. This is only going to continue. There is no turning back, youth leaves us a little bit more each day. I'll never be that 16 year old that could eat an entire marionberry pie in a day (that's 3,000 calories for the whole pie, by the way) followed by gallons of Mountain Dew and king sized Reese's the next day and still weigh 125lbs. Although, just the thought of all that sugar is actually making me a little nauseous. I've already noticed the impact of a life of 9 hours parked in a chair in an office and 2 hours a day sedentary as I commute. The disheartening thing, is that it only gets more difficult from here. I'm not 16 anymore and when I'm 40, I'll wish it were as simple as it was at 28 (despite how much I'm complaining now).
Today I was reading something my old English teacher wrote. She mentioned something about how she taught high school for the 1st 10 years of her career. I started thinking. When I sat in her class at the age of 15, I had no idea that this woman hadn't been teaching her entire life (when you're 15, everyone over 18 seems like they're 40...turns out she was only in her late 20's!) or that she wouldn't be doing that for the rest of her career. To me, she was a teacher. That's it. That is what she did. Looking back, I see that although she spent 10 years doing that, 10 years is not your entire career. She's expanding her career and doing more than what she was doing at 28. Granted, I'm much further behind than that. I'm not into my career yet, but I am working in my field. Right now it feels like grad school is taking forever and a life time. I'm putting so much on hold in order to be doing this right now. But when I'm in my 40's, will this 5 years really seem like a lifetime or will it feel, as with most things, that it was merely a blink of an eye. I keep getting so bogged down about decisions I've had to make recently and what doors they've closed for me...and maybe for the first 10 years of my career, those doors will have to remain shut. But what is to stop me from figuring out a way to spend the following 10 doing what I set out to do? Or expanding to include some of the things I am hoping I'll get to do someday. There are a lot of politics in my field, that will make it impossible for me to do what I really want right out of graduate school, and maybe I've been looking at this all wrong. I took that as "you'll never work in the area you want because you didn't get your foot in the door in graduate school". All it really means, is I won't get to work in my area of interest for awhile. Maybe for 5 or 10 years. Maybe 15. But who is to say it will never happen? As my former teacher modeled: even if you spend 10 years working in one area of your field, it does not define your career. You can shift, you can expand, you can go in another direction if you so choose and are willing to take the steps necessary. Maybe I need those 10 or 15 years working in different areas in order to be ready for the work I want to do.
Today marks my mother's 1st day of retirement. Talk about a woman who has lived a million life times and isn't even 65. I think that is, in part, what sparked me thinking about all of this. I didn't know my mom when she was 28 (I wasn't born for another 5 years) but I'm sure the plans she had for herself, with 4 children and on her 3rd marriage, were not the same plans she had when she was 40 with 6 children and working full time. Regardless of where her 28 year old self thought she'd be when she reached her 40's, life had its own plan. Now in her 60's, she embarking on a new chapter. All her children are grown, she's no longer tied to a job where she has to be somewhere and on someone's time-clock. She's starting something completely new that she's never done before. Even with all that life behind her, she's got (hopefully) many, many years ahead of herself.
We can spend all our time mourning what we don't have and what we've missed out on, or we can open our eyes and realize all that we have in front of us...right now.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Week 20: May 14th-19th 2013. The waiting is over.
My 5 things:
- Went running. Only once, it was a post-Vegas run over the weekend and it was necessary. My running was on a role there. I do believe that was positively correlated with my stress level leading up to Orals. Then Vegas happened. So, it is just a matter of getting back to 3 times a week. I'm happy with 3 times a week.
- I actually let myself take a nap. That is rare in recent years, and I usually try to fight the urge but I was just exhausted and I allowed myself to sleep, despite not having been as productive as I'd wanted to. Turns out I was able to wake up from the nap and give my kitchen a much needed cleaning, as well as the floors in the house. So it was definitely worth it.
- I made the decision to stay here. J had a business trip up north Thursday-Sunday. I wanted to go, to be able to see family, to accompany him on the road but I knew I had so much work piling up and that I really couldn't afford to take more time off with all these deadlines looming. Instead, I stayed here and holed myself up at home. Aside from going to work on Friday, I didn't leave the house. I was able to get wquite a bit of school work/dissertation and research stuff done.
- Watched tons of silly movies/TV that I would never subject J to out of respect for his manhood. I'm talking dramas, romantic comedy, and amultiple episodes of an ABC family TV show. Bad stuff (but oh-so-good in that horrible way)
- In my Women's Group that I co-lead I utilized a new technique I've never done before, that is out of my usual realm of practices. I did a spin off of Gestalt's "empty chair" technique. It actually ended up being pretty effective, although not all patients participated to the fullest..which is expected in a group. Either way, I was proud of myself for reaching outside of my usual bag of tricks for last week's group.
After a weekend of consistently
checking and rechecking my email for a message from my latest
interview and watching as my phone didn't ring, Monday arrived and I
was beginning to lose hope. "By the end of the week" she
said. The interview took place on Thursday, so I assumed that meant
Friday. When Friday came and went with nothing I assumed that perhaps
meant some time over the weekend, surely by Sunday (that is, in fact,
the end of the week). Sunday then came and went and Monday had
arrived with not even a peep. Thankfully J came come after a weekend
up north late Sunday evening so my attention was focused mostly on
him. Monday morning I got up much earlier than him, had my coffee and
read some research articles for my Forensics class. After a hearty
breakfast of banana-oatmeal pancakes and strawberries and a silent
phone, I spent the rest the morning catching up with J and hearing
about his trip before he had to head to work. I checked my phone and
out of no where, I had somehow missed a call and had a voicemail
waiting. It was her, calling to offer me a practicum placement.
FINALLY! After over a month of my hopes being hurled around on an
emotional roller coaster of rejection I have a place that actually
thinks I'm good enough. What a relief.
It's not what I want to be doing, it
still working in substance abuse...so it's actually really a killer
to my future career hopes of being in Forensics field...or really any
field outside of substance use. It's a residential setting for women
and children (the women are in recovery). So, it's going to be an
estrogen party for me on a daily basis. Oy! That's going to take some
getting used to, especially since currently most my clients are male,
my supervisor is male, and my clinic director is male. Soon I'll be
surrounded by vaginas galore with little testosterone in sight.
Should be... interesting.
Choosing this site has closed a LOT of doors I am really not ready to close. It's actually going beyond closing them, it is flat out nailing the door shut with an extra large padlock and chains. That is going to take some mourning. I mean I can fight and fight until I'm blue in the face, but in the end I needed to make a decision: to hold onto an idea that had me drowning by myself in this ocean that was my dream , or to latch onto a lifeboat that would sail me away from that ocean and onto land where, although the safety is comforting, it won't ever make me feel the way that ocean did.
Choosing this site has closed a LOT of doors I am really not ready to close. It's actually going beyond closing them, it is flat out nailing the door shut with an extra large padlock and chains. That is going to take some mourning. I mean I can fight and fight until I'm blue in the face, but in the end I needed to make a decision: to hold onto an idea that had me drowning by myself in this ocean that was my dream , or to latch onto a lifeboat that would sail me away from that ocean and onto land where, although the safety is comforting, it won't ever make me feel the way that ocean did.
I suppose that's a common theme in
life. Keep drowning for the possibility of something likely
unattainable or get to safety and miss out on whatever it was I was
risking my life for. The trouble is...knowing when to grab on or when
to keep struggling.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Oral Comp Exam: PASSED!!!!!
I wanted to just take a second here, to commemorate this moment.
Today, I had my Oral Competency Exam at 9am PST.
It actually began a few minutes late, which was very fortunate since I arrived late. I left my house in Oakland at 7:30am thinking I was giving myself more than enough time to arrive by 8:45am. Joke's on me. Traffic was horrible, and to top it all off I had to pee so badly, it was actually quite painful that I had to pull off and find a bathroom (Target was my savior!)
I arrived at 9:01am, and no one even knew I didn't get there early. PHEW! Needless to say I was a bundle of nerves, shaky, feeling faint, out of breath, and sweaty (but really, aren't I always?)
The exam went about how I expected. Two faculty sitting across from me as I scribbled my notes on the Vignette before I had to begin speaking. I misspelled words that I've known how to spell for decades. When it came time to speak I made up some really interesting versions of words that I've never heard before all the while going completely blank on words I use on almost a daily basis in my field (ie: competent...ironic since I was taking a competency exam). I filled some of the silence with awkward ramblings and ill-received jokes. I even quoted Forest Gump "and that's all I have to say about that" which also went unappreciated by my examiners.
Despite all my uncertainty, bad jokes, and ramblings I survived.
I had finished up my exam a little after 10am. I went down to the library to finish writing up an assessment report for a class (I'm still not even sure how I did school work after that!). I knew we would find out about the results via email sometime in the next couple of hours, so naturally I was refreshing my email every 5 minutes or so. at 10:55am I got the email stating: Congratulations! I didn't even read the rest of it before blurting out a loud "yeeaaaahhh I passed!!" while flailing my arms in the air right in the middle of the library. Luckily, there was a small crowd of my peers who were either waiting to take theirs or had just finished up that were there to receive my celebration and send congrats my way.
Holy mother of all that is wonderful, I still cannot believe I passed. I earned my M.S. in Clinical Psych and it is yet another hurdle I've now cleared. A BIG hurdle, one I can actually say that I feel proud of myself that I've accomplished. It's rare I actually feel like anything I do is a success, but this really does feel like one.
It was unfortunate that I had to go about my day, as though nothing was different. I still had to go to class, still had to go to Research Group, and drive an hour commute home. I suppose I did it all with my head a little higher though.
To put a cherry on my Tuesday, I got my midterm exam results back for my forensic assessment class: 97%. Today was about the most successful day I've ever had (although I'm not counting the part about backing into the iron fence in the Subway parking lot. Doh!)
Today, I had my Oral Competency Exam at 9am PST.
It actually began a few minutes late, which was very fortunate since I arrived late. I left my house in Oakland at 7:30am thinking I was giving myself more than enough time to arrive by 8:45am. Joke's on me. Traffic was horrible, and to top it all off I had to pee so badly, it was actually quite painful that I had to pull off and find a bathroom (Target was my savior!)
I arrived at 9:01am, and no one even knew I didn't get there early. PHEW! Needless to say I was a bundle of nerves, shaky, feeling faint, out of breath, and sweaty (but really, aren't I always?)
The exam went about how I expected. Two faculty sitting across from me as I scribbled my notes on the Vignette before I had to begin speaking. I misspelled words that I've known how to spell for decades. When it came time to speak I made up some really interesting versions of words that I've never heard before all the while going completely blank on words I use on almost a daily basis in my field (ie: competent...ironic since I was taking a competency exam). I filled some of the silence with awkward ramblings and ill-received jokes. I even quoted Forest Gump "and that's all I have to say about that" which also went unappreciated by my examiners.
Despite all my uncertainty, bad jokes, and ramblings I survived.
I had finished up my exam a little after 10am. I went down to the library to finish writing up an assessment report for a class (I'm still not even sure how I did school work after that!). I knew we would find out about the results via email sometime in the next couple of hours, so naturally I was refreshing my email every 5 minutes or so. at 10:55am I got the email stating: Congratulations! I didn't even read the rest of it before blurting out a loud "yeeaaaahhh I passed!!" while flailing my arms in the air right in the middle of the library. Luckily, there was a small crowd of my peers who were either waiting to take theirs or had just finished up that were there to receive my celebration and send congrats my way.
Holy mother of all that is wonderful, I still cannot believe I passed. I earned my M.S. in Clinical Psych and it is yet another hurdle I've now cleared. A BIG hurdle, one I can actually say that I feel proud of myself that I've accomplished. It's rare I actually feel like anything I do is a success, but this really does feel like one.
It was unfortunate that I had to go about my day, as though nothing was different. I still had to go to class, still had to go to Research Group, and drive an hour commute home. I suppose I did it all with my head a little higher though.
To put a cherry on my Tuesday, I got my midterm exam results back for my forensic assessment class: 97%. Today was about the most successful day I've ever had (although I'm not counting the part about backing into the iron fence in the Subway parking lot. Doh!)
Monday, March 25, 2013
Week 12: March 18th-24th...and I'm still waiting
I'm getting quite good at this waiting game.I did have my interview this week, and I think it went fairly. The site
seems awesome and I think I'd get a lot of good experience but due to
the politics involved in this practicum/internship/grad school ish... I
don't think it will give me the hours I need, and I wasn't exactly
qualified for the work. So I'm not betting on getting a placement. Still no word from any of the other 4 sites that haven't contacted me yet. Judging by the timeline, I think it's fairly clear I'll be a member of Clearing House this year (where those who don't get placed get to...start over and apply to new sites). I think if I just come to terms with that now, it won't be such a disappointment when Notification Day comes and my phone never rings.
My 5 things:
1. I had a long conversation with my mom about some events of our past that my family chose to sweep under the rug, and even after everything else came out, these incidents were never explained to me. Through asking questions, I actually learned a lot about my mom and about her childhood that I also never knew. This was actually one of the most honest conversations I've ever had with my mom in my entire life. It amazes me to hear the things my mother has endured in her life and reaffirms my belief that she is by far, one of the strongest women I have ever known.
2. I took some time out to write. I started writing my story some time ago, but have been somewhat avoidant of it due to the nature of the writing and the level of honesty I have to have with myself when I write. I know that someday, my story won't just be a file saved in a folder, I know that it is destined for more than that, but it is going to be a long process. I'll get there, I know I will. Each time I allow myself to open up and write I get that much closer.
3. I did Yoga twice this week. I wish I had time to do it more, well actually, I'm sure I could make time to do it more. So really, I wish I would make more time for it in my life but twice a week is better than nothing.
4. I watched the sunset and did some evening birdwatching over in Alameda alone. It was so beautiful out and there were tons of birds to be seen. I went a little late and didn't have much sunlight left, but it was a nice quiet time to myself. I'd like for J to join me next time.
5. Went to the movies with J on Friday night. We went to see the very silly movie, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. It was as expected, over-the-top ridiculous, a little gross, and very slapstick but what else would come from that combination of actors? J was less impressed but I went in expecting pretty much what I got out of it so I was satisfied. But daaaammnnn movies are expensive. $11.50 each per ticket. We need to remember that matinee is the way to go.
My 5 things:
1. I had a long conversation with my mom about some events of our past that my family chose to sweep under the rug, and even after everything else came out, these incidents were never explained to me. Through asking questions, I actually learned a lot about my mom and about her childhood that I also never knew. This was actually one of the most honest conversations I've ever had with my mom in my entire life. It amazes me to hear the things my mother has endured in her life and reaffirms my belief that she is by far, one of the strongest women I have ever known.
2. I took some time out to write. I started writing my story some time ago, but have been somewhat avoidant of it due to the nature of the writing and the level of honesty I have to have with myself when I write. I know that someday, my story won't just be a file saved in a folder, I know that it is destined for more than that, but it is going to be a long process. I'll get there, I know I will. Each time I allow myself to open up and write I get that much closer.
3. I did Yoga twice this week. I wish I had time to do it more, well actually, I'm sure I could make time to do it more. So really, I wish I would make more time for it in my life but twice a week is better than nothing.
4. I watched the sunset and did some evening birdwatching over in Alameda alone. It was so beautiful out and there were tons of birds to be seen. I went a little late and didn't have much sunlight left, but it was a nice quiet time to myself. I'd like for J to join me next time.
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| View of SF from Alameda |
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