The BIG 3-0

I've been meaning to write about my birthday and the monumental event that took place at my party, but since we returned from our trip I've been working both practicums and feeling totally overwhelmed and overworked.
I thought it would be interesting to look back to an old journal and see what I had to see about turning 20 (and compare that to my thoughts now) but low and behold, my 20 year old brain didn't think too much about it and barely even mentioned it. I guess for my 20th birthday, I worked in the morning at the coffee shop, then had dinner with some family at Who Songs (where we did pretty much every birthday for a good 5 years, at least). I did mention that "old birthdays suck".... because apparently 20 was an "old birthday" according to me.
I have a feeling if 30 year old me met 20 year old me...I'd think she was pretty damn ridiculous. I know for a fact that if I met 16 year old me I'd have trouble keeping a straight face even having to try and take her seriously.

So here I am, 30 year old me. Strange. I don't feel 30. I don't know what 30 is supposed to feel like though.
Well, more importantly I suppose I should mention my 30th birthday. It was a 1984 themed 80's party. There was lots of food, drinks, dancing, good friends, family and FUN! The most memorable part, however, was getting proposed to. Think Wedding Singer, airplane scene at the end of the movie. after an intro from Billy Idol, Adam Sandler begins to seranade Drew Barrymore with a ballad "I wanna Grow Old With You".....In comes J, guitar, blue blazer and all. He totally surprised me and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

Here I am crying like a baby (keep in mind, this was a 1984 themed party...I was dressed as the chick from Footloose..the original).

Now, J and I had been discussing eventually getting engaged, but no set plans for when...at least that I knew of. We had looked at rings, gone to try them on, looked online, etc. trying to decide what was right. I wanted more antique/vintage and wasn't sold on the idea of a center diamond because well, I just never really saw myself as that kind of gal. Thank goodness J listens to me and doesn't just go for what he thinks because I ended up with a gorgeous ring and a proposal with my friends and family present (also something I had said was important).

Center stone: Sapphire, diamonds, Palladium...all hand picked and designed by J :)

So apparently 30 brings BIG changes into my life. I'm pretty excited to see what the rest of 30 has to offer.
I asked my family and friends to write me something about when they were 30, as a way to sort of see where everyone was at during the same part of their life as me. Because of everything that happened with internship this past year, the disappointment, etc I was almost hoping it would shed some light on where people were at and where they are now... also, I thought it would be awesome to have sort of a snapshot about where everyone was at the age of 30 and to include myself in that.
Just thinking about my snapshot:

• I am living in Oakland, CA
• I am in my 4th year of graduate school
• I have my M.S. in clinical psych (on my way to that Ph.D.)
• I am engaged (I have a fiancé!)
• I own a dog
• I drive a mid 90's Ford wagon
• I've got a VA practicum 

I am hoping to add to that list over the next 11 months to include getting an internship...which will also include moving to a new place/state. 

30...I just might be ready for you.

"This is the year you turn 30" and other horror stories

I had a realization the other day while driving.
I had just dropped the pup off at the groomers (his first time!), stopped off at Target to pick up some essentials for a sick boyfriend, and was on the freeway headed home.
I was going over various mundane things in my brain, none of which included actually paying attention to the road, when it hit me "this is the year you turn 30". I actually had to stop myself, and repeat the sentence I muttered off in such a  blasé manner. "This. is. the. year. you. turn. 30."
Now I've said to myself (and others... I do talk to other people, sometimes), "my 30th birthday" and "I'll be 30 this year" but those never struck me the way that sentence did. 
"This is the year you turn 30" 

That sentence holds SO much power, it is like a brick hitting me in the gut, or rather, an entire sack of bricks. I was trying to explain later in the evening to J the impact of this sentence and what it actually means. I likened it to every year you get older, there is a door that shuts out the past, what used to be, what can never happen now. Turning 30 is not just a door, it is the enormous iron (steel? metal? whatever it is) gate of a castle that slams down and locks out anyone on the other side, regardless of their status or amount of armor. It is, quite literally, the end of an era. No longer will I be able to make the claim "I'm in my 20's". Anything that happens from that point on will be referred to as happening "in my 30's". 

I'm not even sure why this rattled me so much. It is not that I am dreading my 30's, I've actually heard they're pretty great years; you still have some of the energy you had in your 20's for adventures but you're a little bit wiser about which adventures your partake in. So what is it about "this is the year you turn 30" that shook my core? 

I think it really gets down to, not so much what the 30's hold, but all that my 20's could have held, but did not. So many women my age have children, are married, buying houses, putting down roots, and are working (and by working I mean getting PAID!) in their career. Here I am, on the brink of the big 3-0 with no children, not married, renting, and working for free as a forever-student, far away from home. 

I guess I need to realize that all those things other women did in their 20's, I will likely be doing in my 30's. My 30's will not include being established in my career, they will be just beginning my career. My 30's will not be raising teenagers and preparing my kids for college, they will be giving birth for the first time (and hopefully 2nd and/or 3rd). My 30's will not be tending my roots, they will be planting them. 

When I really think about it, it feels like I'm so far behind everyone else. J says I'm being selfish when I view it that way and to look at everything I have done because I didn't choose the other path. The places I've lived, traveled, the things I've experienced and really, he is right. I want to have all of that, plus everything other women got to have in their 20's too and that is completely selfish. I want my cake; to have it out for show and have a bottomless bowl full of it. 

I am struggling with being grateful. With all that I've been able to accomplish... I'm focusing on the rest of it.Maybe my 30's will be a time to be grateful? To appreciate things a little more? 
This all reminds me of that Tim McGraw song... my next 30 years ;)

30 Days of being thankful

November, being the month that houses Thanksgiving, is a time to remember what we're thankful for.

 It can be so easy to go through every day without realizing all the little (and big!) things that we have in our lives, both material and intangible. We get so caught up in our daily rituals, our responsibilities, our own minds that we forget to take a moment to really look around at what all we are blessed with.

This year, I took part in a "30 Days of Being Thankful"type of thing. I'm not sure if there is an actual name for it or not, so that is what I'll call it. I noticed on November 1st people on Facebook claiming "Day 1" or "Nov 1st" and thought...that sounds like a wonderful thing to do!

So I set out to complete 30 days worth of being thankful and to my surprise, some days were quite a challenge. It can be difficult to find the good in a day that feels like it's up against you.
I must say this was such an awesome quest for me, I found it really humbling and enriching. Some days my thanks were silly, some days material things, others people or events in my life. Each day gave me a new opportunity to shine light on an area of my life I'm thankful I have/earned/deserve/have been given. I decided to document them all here because I think it's pretty great to see them all in 1 place.

 

Day 1: I'm thankful for the house we rent, that J has made a home.

Day 2: I'm thankful for Dustin's timing on sending me random little things, unknowingly right when I need a laugh.Thanks Squash. :)

Day 3: I'm thankful for Netflix since it is currently allowing us to watch the entire series of The Wonder Years.

Day 4: I'm thankful for my wife for being in my life for 19 years and never giving up on me; despite distance, egos, changes, and mistakes.

Nov 5: Today I'm thankful for the kindness of strangers, and in East Oakland, no less. Thank you to the man who helped me at the gas station.

Day 6: Despite having done so last week via mail, today I am thankful, as a woman, for my right to vote. Oh and also for being able to get an absentee ballot and vote in my home state!

Day 7: I'm thankful for sleep because I really needed it, and was able to get a lot of it. woo! Although, I still need more.

Day 8: I'm thankful that despite all the drowning, I've managed to stay afloat in grad school thus far.

Day 9: I'm thankful I have a best friend with such awesome style that I'm still getting compliments on clothes she gave away to me like 2 years ago (and am still wearing too!)

Day 10: I'm thankful for my older brother, Troy. Although he's not my only brother, he is the one who has given me the most "older brother" memories, including all the ones where he tortures you, picks on you, makes you cry. There's also a whole lot more that include good advice, games, funny jokes, great memories, and big hugs and even bigger laughs. Love you Troylet.

Day 11: I'm thankful for those who have served and continue to serve. For all the ones I know well and hold dear to my heart, and for those I'll never meet. Happy Veterans Day ♥

Day 12: I'm thankful I have the ability to run, even with all the complications and setbacks of my injury, I'm still capable of running.

Day 13: I'm thankful to have friends I consider family, and family I consider friends.

Day 14: I'm thankful that, despite initial disappointments and rejection during 1st year, I ended up in the research group I'm in because it has proven to be a pretty great fit for me :)

Day 15: I'm thankful J is skilled enough to keep my car alive for as long as possible, because we really need it to keep living.

Day 16: I'm thankful for Chinese food delivery. It's a rarity in this house, but some days, I just really don't want to cook, or think.

Day 17: I'm finding it difficult to find something to be thankful for in the midst of all the stress...but I guess I'm thankful that I am good at baking, because as of lately, its all I've been any good at.

Day 18: I'm thankful this quarter is almost over. I don't think I can take much more. Just a few more days.

Day 19: I'm thankful for those around me that help me out to make my life a little easier, like Freda turning in my paper for me today so I didn't have to drive 85 miles just to turn it in, and for J for always taking out the trash and cleaning up (daily!) the cat poo from the strays that have decided our driveway is a litter box. It's these kinds of things that keep me from going totally insane, and for that I am oh-so-thankful!

Day 20: I'm thankful that my team pulled through (it was down to the final hour!) and we were able to submit to APA!! Here's to hoping we get accepted! :D

Day 21: I'm thankful for surprises in the mail. They really are just the best thing ever :) Especially when they're from people you love ♥

Day 22: I'm thankful I get to be an Auntie and a Godmother. My nephews, my niece and my goddaughters fill my heart with so much love I never even knew possible. I'm thankful for their parents for bringing them into this world and for allowing me the privilege of being in their lives. ♥ I love and miss all these little kiddos, even though some of them aren't very little anymore.

Day 23: I'm thankful for technology that allows me to joke with my nephew via text who is 700 miles away, and talk with my niece about what the tooth fairy brought her, even though I'm 2 states away.

Day 24: I'm thankful for how much joy I get from anything Christmas related, it makes this time of year unbelievably wonderful for me...currently watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and having pumpkin pie ice cream :D

Day 25: I'm thankful for lazy Sundays.

Day 26: I'm thankful I've been able to travel as much as I have in my life so far and been able to experience other cities, states, and other countries...and I hope to continue to do so, if grad school will allow it.

Day 27: I'm thankful for family visitors. J's dad is here until Saturday!

Day 28: I'm thankful for my dad and everything he has taught and continues to teach me and all he does for those he loves. Today also happens to be his birthday...so Happy Birthday Dad. Love you. ♥

Day 29: I'm thankful for my mom. She's helped teach me what it means to be a successful woman in this world, and that's no easy job ;)

Day 30: I'm thankful for my family, all of them. My family who made so many of my childhood memories unforgettable, and my family who have stood by me in my most difficult struggles. I could not be where I am today without all of them. I am so lucky to be a part of such a large, supportive, loving, laughter-filled family.