The waaaaiting is the hardest part.

Oh Tom Petty, you wise man. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: graduate school is just one series of waiting after another, after another... after another.
I'm currently sitting in 2 major waiting pools:

• This week marked the submission of my IRB to my school for my dissertation. Something that should have been done a long time ago, but due to some wonderful mishaps and setbacks, is only just happening now. Either way, I've finally turned in my IRB! 
• This week also marked the submission of my rankings for internship. No, this isn't an old entry, this is in fact the 2nd year in a row I'm dealing with this internship process.

So far, this year's internship process as been much better than last years. Last year in Phase I I applied to 15 sites and got 1 interview. This year, I applied to 21 sites and got 9 interviews. So already things are looking up. In the last few months, I've traveld to a number of places including Tennessee, Vermont, Iowa, South Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, and even my home state of Washington. I also had phone interviews with Alaska (again) and Nevada. Not to mention a price tag for all of this years internship stuff coming in at roughly $4,700. Yikes! I remember some students talking to us early on in grad school about how much money to save for this process. They said "around $2,000". So I knew it was an "investment" but I didn't realize it would be almost a $5,000 investment and right around the holidays and that last month before I get my next loan check. J was super supportive throughout the whole thing and really worked his butt off to make sure we had enough money for everything else.

My final ranking list process was much more difficult than I had anticipated. Last year was simple. I have one shot, therefore they are my top (and only) choice. This year, I agonized over it for weeks, had multiple discussions with my supervisor, my internship adviser, my fiance, friends in the program, family, and I just could not figure out what to do. Everyone just kept saying "trust your gut" and I think if one more person would have said it to me, I would have punched them in theirs. My "gut" was sending me mixed, conflicting messages that may have been written in code. I couldn't figure out if certain things I was just "over analyzing" like I always do or if i was correctly interpreting "a sign". I mean how does anyone ever decipher between the two?

Ranking lists were due on the 4th. My anxiety symptoms increased exponentially over the past few weeks and I couldn't function properly, mentally or emotionally. I'm still recovering I think. I thought it would leave me feeling relief after turning them in, but I still felt exactly as unsure and worried as I had the previous weeks. I did have a moment yesterday, where I felt a small amount of relief when I started thinking about internship. It was more of a "now we just wait to find out where we're moving!" not an "oh no, this program is so far away, or this one's (blank) rotation isn't as good as this other sites" or "what if I miss out on this place because I rank this other one higher?" it was just a small feeling of excitement about when and where we would be going. It was a fleeting feeling that was quickly washed over by impatience and annoyance with the process, but I felt it nevertheless. I'm feeling confident that I will match this year in Phase I. I'm hoping I don't have to endure Phase II again and that we can start planning for our future finally.

I read over last year's entries about this whole process. I remember vividly the feelings of disappointment, the blow to my self esteem, and the ache in my heart I felt. I also remember how long it took to rebuild my self confidence after that horrific process. That almost sounds like an exaggeration, but having been through all of that, I would say it's more like an understatement. 
I'm still rebuilding. There's still a part of me that feels angry and hurt and offended that I have to be doing it all over again. I was at one of my interviews and saw a couple people from my school and my same year. They said things like "Oh god, I'm going to be so angry if I don't match!" (mind you, this is their first year applying) I said "Uh...yeah, me too. Given that this is my 2nd time going through all of this, I'll be pretty upset too". To which one of them replied "Yeah if that happens you might as well quit and become a life coach". I said "Whoa, that's not helpful. Quitting with about $400,000 in debt probably isn't the best choice" and another one chimed in "What? Life coaches make pretty good money". Wow. These are my "supportive peers"? Just give up and become something that doesn't require the Ph.D. Thanks guys. I sat there silently wishing they wouldn't match so they could understand what it feels like, but then I quickly took that back because, no matter how pompous and ignorant these people were, no one deserves to feel that shitty about themselves.

Match day for Phase I is February 20th, 10am EST. Last year I woke up every 45 minutes to check my email on my phone, thinking they'd send it early. They did, I think mine came a little before 5am PST, but each time I woke up and checked (realistically probably about 16 times) made for some horrible sleep. I'm hoping to not do that again this year. Regardless if I read my email at 3am or 7am, the result will be the same so I might as well get some rest. I'm not sure what to do with myself during the next 2 weeks. This time, 2 weeks from now, I will know the result. I just have to "wait it out" until then. I've got way too much time on my hands from now until then.

We regret to inform you...

Despite that "Plan C" being in place, the abrupt crumbling of Plan B when I got the news this morning:
"We regret to inform you that you did not match"... still hit me like a hulk-powered punch to the gut.

This means I'm in CA for another year, have to go through the entire process again, including the outrageous application costs. What's worse, is having to go through that process feeling completely discouraged, disheartened, beat up, and tossed around like a tattered, one-eyed teddy bear getting shuffled around the toy bin while the other shiny new toys get chosen.

In reality, I likely needed this time since I've been completely slacking on my dissertation, although I only put it on the back burner because I was so determined to get an internship. I could have just focused this time on my dissertation in the first place and saved myself a ton of money, time, energy, and could have approached internship applications with at least a bit more confidence than I am currently feeling. Not to mention, feeling this way is giving me zero motivation to work on said dissertation, despite the importance of it.

I mean, there is no sense in playing the "what if" game with myself. I am stuck where I'm stuck and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Except put on a smile and pretend I'm not feeling completely worthless so that no one else has to feel awkward or uncomfortable around me and blurt out how "everything will be ok" and how "it will all work out"... as though I actually think the earth will swallow me up in this moment and my life would end.

I also know I'm not alone. I think the stats said there are about 360 of us that were not matched in Phase II. I'm not sure that helps anything, knowing that the system is set up to make a portion of us to fail, and that I happen to just fall in that section. Leaves me feeling rather hopeless actually. I'd prefer it was something I did, or did not do so that I could improve. Instead, I just have to wait and play the game once more where the odds are not in my favor and chance that I could again, be a part of those unfortunate statistics through no fault of my own. 

We are driving up north this week. Sort of an impromptu trip we decided a couple weeks ago for a long weekend. Part of me thinks this is exactly what I need in this moment; to be with family, to be home. That other, louder part of my mind, thinks it is just going to be a painful reminder of what I am missing out on for even longer because of this frustrating internship shortage problem.

Plan A, B, and C

Here I sit... and I wait.
Rankings have been turned in and now I just sit and wait for my fate to be decided for me.
At least we only have to wait 1 week this time. Phase I we had to wait for what felt like forever (in real time about 2 weeks).

Since Plan A (Phase I) did not work out, and Plan B (Phase II) is not looking too bright either, I needed to come up with a Plan C. Unfortunately, Plan C involves staying here in CA another year, and putting my life on hold for one more year which... sucks. Needless to say, Plan C needed some glitter and gold in order to make it not seem so bleak. Besides staying here, getting some sort of practicum something or other (even though practicum apps were already due last month...so I would need to get creative), I would be able to finish my dissertation and possibly even defend before I finally left for internship. While that is all well and good (except, it sucks) it was lacking any excitement and was merely practical. Enter the Golden Goose. It was J's idea actually. He said that if I didn't get an internship this year, we should do a road trip. Not just any road trip, but an all over the map type of trip including Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, etc. We'd be able to visit loved ones along the way and get to see amazing sites like the Grand Canyon. I mean, there will be no glitz or glam on this trip. We're a broke couple with a dog, and will likely spend most night sleeping in the truck, but it will be an adventure.
The more I think about it, I am realizing it will not be the end of the world if I don't get an internship. It will feel like it for awhile, but I know rationally, that it will not be the end of me. 10 years from now, I will look back and think "see, if I left for internship (fill in the blank) would never have happened". The thing is though, right now, I cannot look back with 10 years of reflection, I do not have the hindsight to appreciate this moment and sitting in this moment right now I feel terrible. I feel like a failure, idiot, imposter who has finally be found out. I feel like I am not good enough. I shouldn't feel this way, the system is what is broken, not me. They've got 4,000 students applying for 3,000 positions. It is set up for failure (for some) and I just happen to be one.

I guess what is getting to me, is that I have been in school now for...11 years. Granted, in those 11 years I've managed to earn an AA, BA, and an MS... but man, 11 YEARS already? If I have to wait another year, that will mean it will take me 13 years to earn my Ph.D. (well, 6 since it took me 6 to get my BA), but damn. I take the term "professional student" to a whole other level. The kicker here, is that there are people in my program who are going to have their Ph.D. and be the same age I was when I started my Ph.D. program. Really a lot of this boils down to being a female, approaching 30 and still in school. There are biological clocks and societal mantras blaring like tsunami warnings in my brain every waking hour and I am supposed to just "wait another year". That is really the bottom of all this disappointment.

I'm not even sure where I am going with this post anymore. (well, besides crazy, HA!)

I'll learn to be positive, even if it kills me.

Here I am, in Phase II feeling like I've been here before with only one interview (and we know how well that turned out!). Everything riding on this one interview that has a snowball's chance in hell of working out.

I got some feedback today from the site I interviewed at during Phase I. They were very kind, knowing that I am dealing with Phase II now and said some wonderful things about me. They said I was a strong candidate, they saw nothing in my application or interview that was of concern, that they ranked me highly but that the slots were filled before they got to my name.

Initially I felt really great about this feedback. "Good news! You did NOTHING wrong! You're awesome" ...GREAT! But then I thought, well then...how do I improve? How do I make myself better than I am, when there's nothing really wrong with me? It would be one thing if the said "you need to work on X" or "you should talk more about Y" in your interviews...but hearing I was that close to having a placement, for it to just not work out because there was just 1 too many people better than me for whatever reason, is really frustrating.

I had my one and only interview today. It was only 20 minutes, informal discussion about the program and I was only asked one question: Why this site? 
It's difficult enough to make yourself memorable over the phone (which I apparently did for my last interview) when you have an hour and they're asking you multiple questions.
But 20 minutes? and one question? How on earth do I do anything with that? I did what I could, I think it went alright but I also know that I am competing against a LOT of people for this internship so outlook not so good say my magic eight ball.

I started thinking last night, about positive affirmations. I am such a negative person, although I prefer to call myself a realist, most would label me a "pessimist". Optimism and I are just not friends. I hate the idea of getting my hopes up, only to have them come crashing down on me. Granted, this whole realist sham I have going does not actually shield me from all pain of disappointment, I still feel it often and still deal with heartbreak, frustration, and anger about things...BUT I have a feeling it would be much worse if I filled my head with unrealistic expectations.
I also have to realize, as a psychologist in training, the power of negative self-talk and what it does to a person's self worth. (nothing good, that's for sure). What I also have to realize is the power of positive self-talk and what it does to a person's self worth.
Additionally, despite being an intellectual, I am also somewhat (ok, very) superstitious and a believer in the universe, fate, whatever it is that rules us playing into things.
That being said, on the eve of my one and only interview in Phase II I began looking into positive affirmations. It took awhile to find any I could actually say aloud without feeling like a total phony. I decided, after a number of rounds of talking to myself that I'd write them out on post-its and place them in various spots around my house.
There were as follows:

"I accept that there will be challenges when pursing my goals. I have the knowledge and ability to overcome anything in my path."

"I have just as much brightness to offer the world as the next person." 

"I matter and what I have to offer the world matters too."

Rejection tastes like shit.

After a few days of internet-free time to clear my head, here I am.
Friday came and brought with it disappointment, rejection, a lot of tears, and wine to follow.
I did not get matched which means no internship for me.
As I said before, there is a Phase II (with horrible odds) so all is not lost just yet.

What is so god damn frustrating though is that now I sit here, continuing to wait.
Waiting. I have to go through the application process all over again, building a site list, updating essays, writing cover letters, applying, waiting, hoping for interviews, followed by more waiting. It honestly feels like I just cannot catch a freaking break (really wanted to drop an F bomb there). It is just so frustrating, watching SO many of my classmates going through the same motions as me with success each and every time. I'm sure they've experienced rejection along the way somewhere (I mean, they're human so it must happen some times) but from where I sit, I see them getting placements year after year and these being their top choices meanwhile I'm getting rejections, second rounds, more rejections over and over. It is incredibly difficult not to compare yourself either. These people have been along side you for 4 years now, taking the same classes as you, applying for the same positions as you, and succeeding where you fail. It's gut wrenching.
What hurts worse is when they're announcing to the world (yes, FB is "the world") about how they got an internship they say things like "hard work pays off, I got the internship!" and I'm sitting here thinking "but what about my hard work? it doesn't seem to be paying off at all" as if to say I haven't worked just as hard as all the others out there. Obviously, they are being ego-centric and not thinking of me when they say that (and I suppose I too am being ego-centric taking their statement that is clearly meant for themselves and applying it to myself) but it still hurts.

There's a song out on the radio, I'm not sure who sings it because I am not up-to-date on that sort of thing but the chorus rings out "How and I gunna be an optimist about this?" and that is exactly the question I'm asking myself right now. This persistent "realist" also known as a pessimist was actually optimistic for once about this internship thing, and I feel like it blew up in my pretty little face. How am I going to be optimistic about this? How can I look these odds in the face after such a disheartening blow to the ego/soul/heart and move forward with my head up and my mind clear?

I did not go on Facebook for a few days because I knew I could not handle seeing people's statuses about how they got matched or where they were going to internship next year. Instead I studied the list of sites available in Phase II, contacted my advisors, updated my essays, and began tackling my cover letters. Pushing forward is all I could do (I mean this was after lots of crying and sulking, mind you). I decided it was time to face the music today and signed on to face what was waiting on my news feed. Tons of congratulations and sentiments of joy about internships, they were unavoidable.

Last night J and I watched a new movie that we came across, Dallas Buyer's Club. It's a movie about a man with HIV in the 80's and his quest to find effective treatment (and fighting the FDA the whole way). I looked into the truth behind the story and came to find out that this movie has been one they've been trying to make for almost 20 years. Due to funding issues, the difficult subject matter, etc things kept falling through. I read somewhere that it was rejected 87 times before going into production. 87 times! That is a whole lot of rejection, and yet they continued on and made it happen. Not only did they make it happen, it was a wonderfully moving and tragically beautiful movie.
It got me thinking about how much rejection some people have to endure, and yet they figure it out, they push forward, they are eventually successful. Although with how much rejection I've already endured the thought of that much more just seems unbearable for my well being.

Rejection. How am I going to be an optimist about this?

Hurry up and wait.

The waiting game.
Such a pinnacle part of graduate school, this concept of always waiting for something; approval, feedback, interviews, acceptance.
Always waiting, in hopes of acceptance and yet I'd guess 85% of it is rejection.

Currently, I am waiting for the results for internship. Match Day=February 21st at 10am EST. (not that I'm keeping track)
I have 1 shot. ONE shot at getting placed. The odds of actually  getting this placement are beyond out of left field. ONE possibility amidst about 30 other people who've applied for the same spot. That is is, my future as I know it depends on this one shot in the dark.
Sure, there's a phase II for matching. This phase is where about 1400 students complete for about 200 spots so my odds get even more miniscule in phase II. I won't even begin to think about what happens after phase II, at least not right now. I can't or else I just may go insane.
So much of grad school is trying to plan for a future that is, in the end, completely out of your control. You're a fool if you don't plan but you're almost an even bigger fool if you do because it does not matter what pretty little picture I paint, because someone is just going to come and splash my canvas with a gigantic bucket of red paint and I'll have to start all over with a new backdrop.
I can do nothing else but wait. I've been waiting since my interview on January 23rd. I knew that was my only shot, so it didn't matter that I had until February 5th to decide. I had already decided. Since then I've just been sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, waiting.
There's a slight chance I may be moving to Alaska. That is a BIG change from the sunny, breezy, and crowded cities of the bay area. I'm a planner, I love to and live to be prepared. Instead, I'm sitting here in the big grey abyss that is graduate school. The world of never knowing and ever changing.
If I don't get matched on the 21st, that means I have absolutely NO clue where in the country I may end up.
Patience. One of those things that I don't think I'll EVER obtain.
Don't worry. Don't get your hopes up. Don't think about it. Stay positive. Keep busy. All easier said than done and yet that is what you get from everyone, perhaps because they're worried too and it eases their discomfort.
By this time Friday, I'll have some answers. I know that this feeling of unknown will not last forever, but I felt like it was important to document the feeling anyway.

Week 20: May 14th-19th 2013. The waiting is over.

My 5 things:

1. Went running. Only once, it was a post-Vegas run over the weekend and it was necessary. My running was on a role there. I do believe that was positively correlated with my stress level leading up to Orals. Then Vegas happened. So, it is just a matter of getting back to 3 times a week. I'm happy with 3 times a week.
   
   
2. I actually let myself take a nap. That is rare in recent years, and I usually try to fight the urge but I was just exhausted and I allowed myself to sleep, despite not having been as productive as I'd wanted to. Turns out I was able to wake up from the nap and give my kitchen a much needed cleaning, as well as the floors in the house. So it was definitely worth it. 
   
   
3. I made the decision to stay here. J had a business trip up north Thursday-Sunday. I wanted to go, to be able to see family, to accompany him on the road but I knew I had so much work piling up and that I really couldn't afford to take more time off with all these deadlines looming. Instead, I stayed here and holed myself up at home. Aside from going to work on Friday, I didn't leave the house. I was able to get wquite a bit of school work/dissertation and research stuff done.
   
   
4. Watched tons of silly movies/TV that I would never subject J to out of respect for his manhood. I'm talking dramas, romantic comedy, and amultiple episodes of an ABC family TV show. Bad stuff (but oh-so-good in that horrible way)
   
   
5. In my Women's Group that I co-lead I utilized a new technique I've never done before, that is out of my usual realm of practices. I did a spin off of Gestalt's "empty chair" technique. It actually ended up being pretty effective, although not all patients participated to the fullest..which is expected in a group. Either way, I was proud of myself for reaching outside of my usual bag of tricks for last week's group.

After a weekend of consistently checking and rechecking my email for a message from my latest interview and watching as my phone didn't ring, Monday arrived and I was beginning to lose hope. "By the end of the week" she said. The interview took place on Thursday, so I assumed that meant Friday. When Friday came and went with nothing I assumed that perhaps meant some time over the weekend, surely by Sunday (that is, in fact, the end of the week). Sunday then came and went and Monday had arrived with not even a peep. Thankfully J came come after a weekend up north late Sunday evening so my attention was focused mostly on him. Monday morning I got up much earlier than him, had my coffee and read some research articles for my Forensics class. After a hearty breakfast of banana-oatmeal pancakes and strawberries and a silent phone, I spent the rest the morning catching up with J and hearing about his trip before he had to head to work. I checked my phone and out of no where, I had somehow missed a call and had a voicemail waiting. It was her, calling to offer me a practicum placement. FINALLY! After over a month of my hopes being hurled around on an emotional roller coaster of rejection I have a place that actually thinks I'm good enough. What a relief.

It's not what I want to be doing, it still working in substance abuse...so it's actually really a killer to my future career hopes of being in Forensics field...or really any field outside of substance use. It's a residential setting for women and children (the women are in recovery). So, it's going to be an estrogen party for me on a daily basis. Oy! That's going to take some getting used to, especially since currently most my clients are male, my supervisor is male, and my clinic director is male. Soon I'll be surrounded by vaginas galore with little testosterone in sight. Should be... interesting.
 Choosing this site has closed a LOT of doors I am really not ready to close. It's actually going beyond closing them, it is flat out nailing the door shut with an extra large padlock and chains. That is going to take some mourning. I mean I can fight and fight until I'm blue in the face, but in the end I needed to make a decision: to hold onto an idea that had me drowning by myself in this ocean that was my dream , or to latch onto a lifeboat that would sail me away from that ocean and onto land where, although the safety is comforting, it won't ever make me feel the way that ocean did.

I suppose that's a common theme in life. Keep drowning for the possibility of something likely unattainable or get to safety and miss out on whatever it was I was risking my life for. The trouble is...knowing when to grab on or when to keep struggling.

Week 15: April 8th-14th 2013: Officially rejected and onto Clearing House

So today is the official "Notification Day". Although for me, it was more like the official "Getting totally rejected day". The thing is, I had planned on turning down the 1 site I interviewed at if they had called, which they didn't. Really, that makes my job easier, not having to have the awkward "thanks but no thanks" conversation. Even though I had planned on participating in Clearing House (what happens after rejection) it still stings to see the vast majority of my classmates posting about how they've been accepted and knowing I've got a whole lot more ahead of me before I get that feeling. The good news is, I will get that feeling. I will get a placement, I will have an offer at some point and  I will be able to accept. In order for that to happen though, I've got to go through the application process all over again. So today, instead of spending time on my dissertation or reading for my class, I've got to spend time updating my CV, rewriting cover letters and reformatting letters of recommendation so they're ready to be sent out as soon as we get word of which sites still have openings. Even more frustrating, the process starts at 1pm on Wednesday, when I just so happened to have a client until 1:30pm and then over an hour commute even if I'm able to leave right after that client. I think this may result in me bringing my laptop to practicum and taking a few minutes in between my client and the rest of my paperwork to get those applications sent.
I know this will all work out. I'm just not a patient person, and I hate being in the period of the unknown any longer than I absolutely need to be and I've already been in it since we turned in applications the first time.
I can't help but wonder either if all this rejection from these forensics sites is just another "you shouldn't be going that route" sign. It's frustrating to feel like the universe just really isn't on your side and keeps telling you what you feel in your heart is right....is wrong. I mean, I keep telling myself that it's not the universe telling me I'm going in the wrong direction, it's the universe testing me, and making me work for it. But after so much constant rejection with zero progress in that direction, I can't help but wonder if it is actually telling me to choose something else and I'm just the idiot misreading the signs of sitting here in denial. I mean how do you know when enough is enough? Am I just being a masochist by continually setting myself up for failure and disappointment? How do you know when the universe is testing you versus giving you clear signs to choose a different direction?
Hmm, I'm not getting anywhere that isn't leading to more unanswerable questions. As much fun as that is, I think it's time to write about my 5 things.

So here they are:

1. I went running 3 times this week. I am really digging this consistency I've got going with running 3 times aa week. Sunday I even went 2 miles! Granted, it is interval running, so this last week I was doing 2 min of running then 1 minute of walking and I did this for 30 min and went 2.14 miles. Even though it isn't running 2 miles, it's further than I usually go (usually about 1.3-1.6 miles) so i take it as a success.

2. I went in an extra day of practicum this last week to get a few extra hours. I am trying my hardest to get as many hours as possible since I'm continuously playing catch up with my practicum hours in order to try and be competitive for internship and every extra bit I can do to go above and beyond what I'm already doing is helpful.

3. J and I went to see Jurassic Park in 3D on Wednesday. It was his first 3D movie ever! I've only see one or 2 others in 3D so it's still pretty new to me as well.

We went all out and got soda and popcorn (LARGES!). 

4. On Saturday, we wanted to go and explore somewhere we've both never been but that wasn't too far from home. We decided to venture up toward Marin County and J had the idea to check out Laguanitas Brewery. We go directions and found out that they did free tours, the next one starting in approximately 1 hour.... about the same time it would take us to drive there. We arrived just in time to catch the 1pm tour. Success! 

With Louis, our 'Beer Preacher' for the afternoon

I had never been on a brewery tour. J said our guide, Louis, was one of the best ones he's ever seen from the tours he's done. We went up to his after and thanked him and he let us see the upstairs and peek into a private tour (seen in the photo above). It was an awesome experience. J even bought me a shirt to commemorate my first brewery tour. :)

5. After we went on the tour, we decided to drive into SF and get some fish and chips on the pier. We stopped off and took in the beautiful weather just before driving over the Golden Gate. I'm thankful that, although we live here, we don't take all this wonderful architecture and art for granted and still enjoy just being able to be around it.

Week 14: April 1st-7th running, dancing, and rejection day

So today is supposed to be the official rejection day from all the sites that are no longer considering you for practicum placement. I mean, I think I've figured it out by now, seeing as how Notification Day is next week and if I haven't heard from you I'm assuming I'm out of the running. Regardless, they're supposed to let us know today. I got one rejection email already. It was a mass email with an attached document that began with "Dear Practicum Applicant,". Oh gee, thanks for the thought. At least the other sites sent me an email and used my name. I mean, rejection, is rejection, is rejection but actually, personalized rejection stings a little less I think. Still waiting on rejection emails from 3 other sites although, it's after 5pm so perhaps those sites just have bad etiquette and I won't be hearing from them. 

My 5 things:

1. I went running 3 days this past week. I cannot even put into words how much better I've been feeling lately because of it. Even though I'm not running a ton or even anywhere near what I was...but I'm running! I think, in part, just knowing that I've taken it back up and that I'm  not a "failure" at yet another thing I attempted to try is making the difference in the way I feel. I'm sure a big part is also the who endorphins being released, body getting exercise, yadda yadda. But I mean really, I wouldn't be in the field I'm in if I didn't truly believe there are some psychological forces at work here.

2. J and I had our first "guests over for dinner and drinks" at our place. We've made this amazing-art filled-cozy place we call a home together and because of distance (and unsafe location) we've not really had anyone over to be able to enjoy it with us. It was really nice to be able to have friends over and be a hostess for them. At my old place in Mountain View, because of it's prime location it was home for study groups, parties, pre-gaming before going out, and girl nights. I realize I quite enjoy being the hostess and since moving to Oakland, haven't had the opportunity until now.

3. Prior to our friends coming over I was in charge of cleaning/cooking inside, as J had to tackle the ever-so-daunting task of replacing the heater-core (cord?) ...I don't know I'm vehicle incompetent. Regardless, major car stuff needed to be addressed which left me inside to tend to the house. This included sweeping/mopping/dusting/scrubbing the entire house and preparing appetizers and dinner sides and entrees. So, to make this more enjoyable I busted out my '80's Ladies' playlist which consists of Janet, Paula, and Madonna Only the stuff they made in the 80's though, of course) and I proceeded to dance and sing while performing all above mentioned tasks. This left me with a bit of a workout and very clean house with delicious food, and of course an elevated mood because who doesn't enjoy rocking out to those gals, I mean really?

4. Went out Saturday night to celebrate a friend's birthday. It consisted of going out dancing, which J is not into the whole club scene and I can only take it in small doses (ie if I get to drink and dance). Luckliy, Saturday I got to do both and J was such a good sport about it, which made it that much better. I absolutely love dancing (obviously... 2 out of my 5 things on this list this week involve shaking my groove thing) and love when I have an opportunity to go out with friends, have a good time and DANCE DANCE DANCE!

5. So J decided we needed to invest in a gaming system. He bought a handheld (but can be hooked up the the TV) unit for Super Nintendo. He also purchased some games, including Super Mario World. To say that this took up most of my time in youth would be an understatement. Now, it's no Zelda (now THAT is my game!) but I definitely spent a lot of my childhood wrapped up in Mario's worlds.

When it arrived in the mail last week, we spent about 2 hours straight playing, until I realized how horrible I am at the game now and gave up. J's been playing all weekend and although I can't compete anymore, it's still enjoyable to watch. Although, really...I think we need to get Zelda. J is not a fan of it but that game, that is the love of my life and I've yet to actually ever beat the entire game (Hmm... I do believe I'm adding that to my bucket list).

Week 13: March 25th-31st. Easter and I'm running again!

Spring break is over, although I can't actually remember any sort of break. I still had a  class (we were making up from a missed one) and I still went into Practicum, woke up at 4am, saw clients, and had supervision. I still had to work on my dissertation. Where was the break exactly? New quarter starts tomorrow.

Oh also, no practicum interviews, still. No rejections either, but I think lack of interviews at this point pretty much insinuates rejections. Waiting, waiting, still waiting. At this point I'm just waiting for rejection confirmation, which is a little ridiculous.


My 5 things:

1. I went running. Not once, not twice, but THREE times this past week. Yes, 3 times! While that used to be the norm for me (and is probably a slow week for most runners) it was definitely something I haven't done in a very, very long time. Needless to say, I'm pretty proud of this. Granted, the running wasn't anything spectacular, I did interval running (run 1 min, walk 1 min) and did about 20 total minutes (so 10 of each) but, it was running!

2. I got to talk with one of my closest friends, Lis on the phone. She and I try to keep in touch but it is usually ends up as sporadic texts on various days and then an email every couple of months. It doesn't help that there is a time difference, she's in Hawai'i so for half the year she's 3 hours behind and the other half she's 2 hours behind. This week we actually got to have a phone conversation, with some very important news. She was accepted (with funding!) to ASU for grad school! I am so very proud of her. Also, I like the idea of having her a 10 hour drive or a less than 2 hour plane ride away from me.

3. I did yoga twice this week. That totals out to 5 workouts this last week. Damn that feels good.

4. I skyped with my family when they had their Easter on Saturday at my dad's house. I got to watch the kids barrel out of the house on their hunt for eggs and watch them run around with their baskets. I got to see the faces of those I love so much and to see the beautiful weather they were having.

My dad and sister showing off their great weather

This was actually pretty bittersweet. This is now the 7th year I've been apart from my family for Easter. This holiday just always happens to fall at a time of year I'm not able to go home. It was also the first major holiday I was away from my family when I first moved away, right after everything went to shit with my family. Which is likely why it seems especially hard, even for the 7th year in a row. So although I wasn't able to be there in person, I'm thankful I got to be a small part of it.

5. I led, well I co-lead my first ever therapy group this week. It is a women's group that myself and another counselor have formed at the methadone clinic. It was actually originally her thing, she sent out an email stating she'd be starting one and I contacted her about co-leading (since I didn't have any group therapy hours under my belt). I was nervous, and there were definitely parts about it that could have gone better, but either way, I've now completed my first group. We're going to be doing it weekly through the month of April and we may continue, depending on how the month goes. Should be interesting!

Week 12: March 18th-24th...and I'm still waiting

I'm getting quite good at this waiting game.I did have my interview this week, and I think it went fairly. The site seems awesome and I think I'd get a lot of good experience but due to the politics involved in this practicum/internship/grad school ish... I don't think it will give me the hours I need, and I wasn't exactly qualified for the work. So I'm not betting on getting a placement.  Still no word from any of the other 4 sites that haven't contacted me yet. Judging by the timeline, I think it's fairly clear I'll be a member of Clearing House this year (where those who don't get placed get to...start over and apply to new sites). I think if I just come to terms with that now, it won't be such a disappointment when Notification Day comes and my phone never rings.


My 5 things:

1. I had a long conversation with my mom about some events of our past that my family chose to sweep under the rug, and even after everything else came out, these incidents were never explained to me. Through asking questions, I actually learned a lot about my mom and about her childhood that I also never knew. This was actually one of the most honest conversations I've ever had with my mom in my entire life. It amazes me to hear the things my mother has endured in her life and reaffirms my belief that she is by far, one of the strongest women I have ever known.

2. I took some time out to write. I started writing my story some time ago, but have been somewhat avoidant of it due to the nature of the writing and the level of honesty I have to have with myself when I write. I know that someday, my story won't just be a file saved in a folder, I know that it is destined for more than that, but it is going to be a long process. I'll get there, I know I will. Each time I allow myself to open up and write I get that much closer.

3. I did Yoga twice this week. I wish I had time to do it more, well actually, I'm sure I could make time to do it more. So really, I wish I would make more time for it in my life but twice a week is better than nothing.

4. I watched the sunset and did some evening birdwatching over in Alameda alone. It was so beautiful out and there were tons of birds to be seen. I went a little late and didn't have much sunlight left, but it was a nice quiet time to myself. I'd like for J to join me next time.

View of SF from Alameda

5. Went to the movies with J on Friday night. We went to see the very silly movie, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. It was as expected, over-the-top ridiculous, a little gross, and very slapstick but what else would come from that combination of actors? J was less impressed but I went in expecting pretty much what I got out of it so I was satisfied. But daaaammnnn movies are expensive. $11.50 each per ticket. We need to remember that matinee is the way to go.

Week 11: March 11th-17th... What is running, again?

This last week was full of ups and downs. Practicum applications have been in for awhile now and I hadn't heard anything from any site. I'd asked around a bit and it sounded like most people were in the same boat as me, no one had really heard anything with the exception of a few people. Wednesday I got a rejection email from one of my tops sites, Thursday I got an interview offer from my last choice site, and Friday I got a rejection from my number 1 choice site. I am very thankful I've been offered at least one interview. I am still waiting to hear back from 4 sites. The waiting game continues.

1. This week I went into my practicum an extra day that I did not have to. I am really striving to get more face-to-face hours (because those are what really count for internship) and that is difficult to do with a population that is notorious for avoidant behaviors. So I took action and discussed options with my site and decided that I would start going in on occasional Mondays (instead of having my glorious work from home/take care of the house Monday's I've grown to love) I only did a half day, so I didn't have to wake up at an ungodly hour (well, depending on who you're talking to, because I got to wake up at 6am instead of 4am, so to me that was lovely, but to others probably seems atrocious). By the time Friday rolled around, where the majority of my clients canceled or didn't even show up, I was grateful I had put in some extra time earlier in the week so it wasn't a total wash.

2. J and I decided, somewhat out of the blue, that we'd go to a matinee movie and see The Great and Powerful Oz at the Alameda theater. The theater itself was awesome, it's been fully restored to its original condition and has a very old-style feel to it. Bonus was, the movie was cheaper because it was matinee price. I know the movie itself has received a lot of bad reviews because the CGI is not up to par, and this, and that, and whatever but I guess I'm just easy to please. I thought it was delightful, colorful, and entertaining. People are just too damn critical sometimes.

3. Friday night, after some painful rejection emails from my top practicum sites, and a day full of canceling clients, J and I decided to go out for burgers and beers. It was really nice to be out with him, enjoying each others company and while I was enjoying some Blue Moons :)

4. Saturday, although we were all for being lazy and staying in, we decided to get out and enjoy the nice weather. We went to San Francisco with our friend Ray and just walked around, and checked out various shops and places and got lunch. Living so close to such an awesome city, it's really unfortunate we don't make more time to go there.

5. Sunday I went running for the first time in....honestly I don't even remember when the last time was. Yeah, running, remember that? Me either!.... I just checked my MapMyRun app and it was November 12th 2012. Holy hell that's a long time. I mean, I've gone hiking, and biking, and some walking, but I haven't attempted to run since November? It's worse than I thought. I guess that makes much more sense now why I've been feeling the way I have. Lately, whenever I see people running (which is a LOT, by the way, I swear everyone in the bay area is a runner!) I get this aching pain of envy.
When I used to see people run, before I started trying to, I used to use the phrase "Crazy bitches that run". I never understood it, couldn't even fathom it, therefore I rejected the idea completely. Once I got the insane idea to try and become one of those crazy bitches that run, my outlook changed and I began to see them more as equals as though there was an unspoken understanding because now I finally understood too.
 After my injury I felt a lot of sadness when I'd see people running. That sadness turned to anger and frustration which is why I basically silently swore it off and gave up (back in November). Fast forward to now. There's still sadness, some anger, and a fair amount of frustration but mostly it's just envy.
Fueled by this envy,  I decided that my knee isn't going to stand in my way anymore. I did what I was supposed to, followed the doctor's orders, I've tried other activities to strengthen my body, and now I'm just impatient and annoyed and don't want to keep having all these excuses keep me from doing it. I know I need to take it easy, I know I can't push my knee too hard, but damn if I'm going to sit around any longer. I will do whatever it is I'm capable of doing and as of now, that's enough for me. So when I see runners, I don't have to feel envious that they're out there and I'm not. I can be content with the fact that I was out there just the other day (not back in November).

Week 2: Jan 7th-13th and the waiting, the annoying waiting

I am beginning to love Mondays.
Who would have thought? The most despised day of the week by most would evolve into one of my favorites.
The thing is, I have a grueling schedule throughout the week. It is just go-go-go from 4am to some times as late as 9pm. It's filled with traffic, commuting, lectures, presentations, due dates, clients, more commuting, reading, supervision, deadlines, time frames, did I mention commuting? So it's easy Tue-Fri to feel like I am so far behind on absolutely everything and find it difficult to really clear my head and combat my responsibilities with a calm mind. The weekend allows for some of that, but even then I'm with my boyfriend much of the time and I would way rather spend time with him doing enjoyable things that studying/reading/school work/prepping for clients.
So here is where Monday comes in. While the rest of the world is going to work, I am home for the day. I plan out ahead of time what all needs to be accomplished on this day:

• work out
• Various school/dissertation responsibilities
• Cooking for tonight and prepping/cooking for tomorrow when I don't get home until 9pm
• Time for writing
• A shower at some point and other various things

We've worked it out that J and I work out together Mon and Wed in the morning. We each have our own little routine we came up with ourselves (some variation of push-up/dips/sit-ups,etc). Then he goes to work, leaving me the house to myself. I fluctuate between school work, meal prepping, and breaks so as to never get burnt out doing either for too long. Mondays, unlike most days, I feel like I can actually breathe. I feel like I actually have some control over the whens, wheres, and whys of what I'm doing.

Now onto my list of 5 things:

1. Baked cookies....and brownies. I got to bake twice throughout this week. It helps that J is in love with my baking and is always game for me to bake anything so it's really killing 2 birds with 1 spoon ;)

2. Worked out the first time in a long while. As I said, J and I have started working out in the AM on some days doing our customized to fit us routines.
Mine:
5 push-ups
10 sit-ups
5 squats
5 dips
10 calf-raisers
10 lunges
20 crunches
(Repeat: total 3 times)
Then eventually, each week I will add 2 reps to each exercise.

It's amazing because even when I first came up with it I thought "meh... this is probably too easy for me and won't give me much of a work out" but then you have to remember that these numbers are actually x3 because you go through the routine 3 times. Plus, after the first day of doing it last week I couldn't walk right for days my legs were so sore! So, I'd say I gave myself a pretty good challenging start. I also made the mistake of not stretching before or after... so I learned my lesson there!

3. Used my crock-pot for the first time ever! I got this crock-pot probably back in about '05. I never used it, then I moved back in with my mom shortly before moving away to Hawaii which resulted in the thing being stashed away at my moms (who lord knows did not touch the thing) until this past Christmas break when we unexpectedly were driving back and I said "Oooh I have room to bring my crock-pot!" and was determined to make use of it, finally. Thank goodness it actually still worked, and it worked well. The meal was a success and I currently have tomorrow's dinner of creamy chicken chili cooking in there as I type. Yes.. I'm so on top of everything that I'm cooking tomorrow's dinner at 3 in the afternoon the day before. (except that whole "being on top of everything" will be completed destroyed as my 4am alarm goes off tomorrow morning, so just let me have it for now!)

4. Last night we went to see Craig Carothers play in Berkeley. This is a January tour he's done, apparently for about 10 years now with Don Henry and Steve Seskin. I surprised J with the show last year when he was playing in Santa Clara the weekend of J's birthday that he happened to be visiting me down in CA from Portland. It was perfect. Needless to say, when we found out he was playing less than 10 miles away in Berkeley, we knew we were going. It was, as always, a wonderful experience. We really need to make more time for events such as this, because it really is enjoyable for both of us.

5. This past week I booked our hotel for a trip to Vegas we're planning with my best friend and her boyfriend. Granted, the trip itself is not until May but planning for a vacation is quite enjoyable. Especially when you're able to get such a good deal, with the help of my dad and his timeshare he has there, we were able to get a great deal for our stay. May is both mine and my best friend's birthday month. This year (2013) Also marks 20 years of friendship with her. 20 years!! Other than those I'm related to, I have not had such a close, consistent relationship with anyone else in my life. So there are lots of reasons to celebrate and Vegas is just a wonderful place to do it! Not to mention, J has never been! So that will be exciting as well.

This past week has also been pretty frustrating for me. APA is the annual conference for psychology, it's a pretty big deal and it's especially important for me because it's in Hawaii this year. I haven't been back since I moved back to the mainland in '10. I've made it a mission of mine to submit/get accepted to APA '13 since I started grad school. Submission deadline for APA conference was Nov 15th. THe conference is not until August, so I assumed we'd be hearing back around March or so. All the sudden starting on Thursday, my Facebook wall is filled with a number of different people from my program posting "I got accepted to APA!" and "APA here I come" and other various celebratory comments about how excited they were about getting accepted. I started checking my email frantically, about 37 times a day, waiting to hear back. and nothing. Not a word.
I know I will hear back either way, whether I've been accepted or rejected, so the lack of hearing anything is not a bad sign necessarily. It is, however, excruciatingly annoying and frustrating.
Despite the progress I've made with having patience and not focusing on what I cannot control.. I still, really, really hate waiting...especially while everyone else seems to be rejoicing.
So I continue to play the waiting game.