Monday, March 10, 2014

I'll learn to be positive, even if it kills me.

Here I am, in Phase II feeling like I've been here before with only one interview (and we know how well that turned out!). Everything riding on this one interview that has a snowball's chance in hell of working out.

I got some feedback today from the site I interviewed at during Phase I. They were very kind, knowing that I am dealing with Phase II now and said some wonderful things about me. They said I was a strong candidate, they saw nothing in my application or interview that was of concern, that they ranked me highly but that the slots were filled before they got to my name.

Initially I felt really great about this feedback. "Good news! You did NOTHING wrong! You're awesome" ...GREAT! But then I thought, well do I improve? How do I make myself better than I am, when there's nothing really wrong with me? It would be one thing if the said "you need to work on X" or "you should talk more about Y" in your interviews...but hearing I was that close to having a placement, for it to just not work out because there was just 1 too many people better than me for whatever reason, is really frustrating.

I had my one and only interview today. It was only 20 minutes, informal discussion about the program and I was only asked one question: Why this site? 
It's difficult enough to make yourself memorable over the phone (which I apparently did for my last interview) when you have an hour and they're asking you multiple questions.
But 20 minutes? and one question? How on earth do I do anything with that? I did what I could, I think it went alright but I also know that I am competing against a LOT of people for this internship so outlook not so good say my magic eight ball.

I started thinking last night, about positive affirmations. I am such a negative person, although I prefer to call myself a realist, most would label me a "pessimist". Optimism and I are just not friends. I hate the idea of getting my hopes up, only to have them come crashing down on me. Granted, this whole realist sham I have going does not actually shield me from all pain of disappointment, I still feel it often and still deal with heartbreak, frustration, and anger about things...BUT I have a feeling it would be much worse if I filled my head with unrealistic expectations.
I also have to realize, as a psychologist in training, the power of negative self-talk and what it does to a person's self worth. (nothing good, that's for sure). What I also have to realize is the power of positive self-talk and what it does to a person's self worth.
Additionally, despite being an intellectual, I am also somewhat (ok, very) superstitious and a believer in the universe, fate, whatever it is that rules us playing into things.
That being said, on the eve of my one and only interview in Phase II I began looking into positive affirmations. It took awhile to find any I could actually say aloud without feeling like a total phony. I decided, after a number of rounds of talking to myself that I'd write them out on post-its and place them in various spots around my house.
There were as follows:

"I accept that there will be challenges when pursing my goals. I have the knowledge and ability to overcome anything in my path."

"I have just as much brightness to offer the world as the next person." 

"I matter and what I have to offer the world matters too."

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