Look Who's Talking...about birth control

I recently made a pretty big decision in my life.

After 16 years, I've decided to get off birth control.

Now, before anyone gets any wise ideas... I am not trying to have a baby, not yet anyway. 

Since the age of 14 I've been on some form of hormone-altering birth control. My mom put my on at a young age to help with my "acne". I did have problem skin, but something tells me that after raising 5 children before me, my mother was more inclined to make sure I was properly protected for whenever it was I became sexually active and just masked it with the clear skin bit. Although, my family is pretty vain and it did clear up my skin so, I may never know the true reasoning behind my mother's choices. Regardless, I have spent the last 16 years letting something other than my own body impact my hormones and body chemistry.

I never put much thought into it really, it was just a simple "I don't want to get pregnant, so I'll stay on birth control" thought.  Even when I would switch different kinds/brands and when I experienced significant side effects, I rarely ever thought about how it was really impacting my body (and my mind!).

One birth control pill I was on gave me such severe mood swings I actually had to tell the guy I was dating at the time that he was not allowed to call me for a week because I was so frightened of my own lashing out and anger right before starting my period (and the previous months were a good indication of what I was apparently capable of). That should have been HUGE red flag (some pun intended there) that something wasn't right about what I was doing.

Even when I was on another form that caused me to gain 33lb, it didn't seem to sink in that the answer may not be "switch to a different kind". That was my reaction each time. "Well, this kind doesn't seem to work well with me, so lets try a different one". Being in a scientific field, I guess I felt the need to examine and test multiple solutions? Or maybe there was something else fueling my decisions?

My best friend for years has preached about the implications of being on a hormonal birth control and has encouraged me to stop taking it. I never gave her words too much thought because I just assumed it was working "well enough" for me.

It was only in the last year or so that I started  to acknowledge what was happening to my body, gave her words some weight and really start to analyze the cost/benefits of my choice. I researched different methods and had multiple discussions with my boyfriend (now fiance), my best friend, and other women friends. I spent almost a year weighing the possibility of getting off of hormonal birth control, what it would mean for me, my body, and my relationship.

I initially felt guilty for "making" my fiance switch to another form, such as condoms. Then I started to really think about why that guilt should rest only on me? Either I feed hormones into my body, make my partner unhappy, or get pregnant? How is that a fair burden for a woman to carry?
I think this guilt is why it took me a year to make the decision to get off of birth control. 

Ultimately, I had to make the decision that was right for me, and although my fiance is part of this relationship,I had to realize that he does not dictate decisions about my body, I do and he was supportive of my decision.

It's too soon to tell how my decision will change my mind and body. I need to give it time to balance itself and get back on track. It was frightening to go through the grueling process of making this kind of a decision, but I feel empowered and if that is the only change I really notice, I think that is alright with me.

Week 10: March 5th-10th.... sickness took over

So turns out that possible allergies/sickness was full blown sickness. That's the hardest I've been hit by a sickness in years. I was out half of Tuesday, all of Wednesday and Thursday, managed to gather enough strength to power through Friday and was on the couch again Saturday. Finally, I am starting to feel a bit better. Normally I'll miss 1 class here or there when I'm feeling sick, but I don't think I've ever canceled entire days multiple times in a row. It was bad.

Despite that major set back (to which I am attributing my late entry) I was still able to find the time to do my 5 beneficial things for myself, they are as follows:

1. Actually stayed home sick from everything, whereas normally I'd try to power on through. I actually did try on Tuesday, but traffic stopped me (literally!) and I decided it was much smarter for me to turn around and head home and cancel my meeting and tell my professor I wouldn't be making it in. I made sure to really focus on rest and fluids, despite my frustration with lack of productivity.

2. I did yoga for the first time in a long while. I realized that a) I'm really not as flexible as I once was and b) how much I actually enjoy yoga (I had forgotten!)

3. On Saturday, when I was feeling a bit better, I decided to park about a half a mile from the shopping center where I was going to do my errands (grocery store, pick up prescription, go by the bank and the post office) All these buildings are near each other in a shopping center to which I normally park in the parking lot and walk around. It was such a beautiful day and I'd been feeling so useless from my days on the couch I made sure to park far enough away that I'd get about a mile and a half walk in while accomplishing my errands. Multitasking!

4. I actually wrote on here, not just for my weekly 5 beneficial things list posting. I find it so helpful to write out (or type out, rather) my thoughts and yet I make such little time lately to do this.

5. I went to my school's library...on a Sunday. Despite wanting to lay around all day and being painfully lazy, I made the 45mile drive to my school's library (that's dedication, eh!?) and holed up in there for a few hours scoring and assessment for a client and working on some other assignments. Did I mention it was beautiful and sunny out too? Making it that much more difficult to sit inside a library all day. BUT I was able to get a lot of necessary work accomplished.

What is it about New York?

I've felt a pull toward New York for....as long as I can remember.
I know I'm not alone in that, it's a pretty popular city for people to dream about.
For a lot of people it's about the "big city" feel, wanting to be a star, or being successful.
I'm not interested in all of that.
I don't know what it is about New York actually.
I've never been but I know better than to judge it on the movies and what I see on TV. So what is it that I'm drawn toward? I'm asking because I don't actually know.
I've just always felt I was supposed to be there.

I thought I had my answer when I decided to go to grad school and originally applied for masters programs. I found one right in the city, one that didn't seem too far out of my reach, unlike some which I knew I didn't have a shot in hell at. I got all my application materials together and sent them off to let fate take its course.
There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to move from Hawaii to New York, chop my long locks to an adorable short style, and be an entirely new person on the east coast. It was, in my eyes, the natural progression of things.
I was so sure of all of it. It felt like that was exactly what I was supposed to do.

The rejection letter from New York stung in a way I didn't know heart break could. I watched that vision that was so vivid in my mind crumble in a matter of seconds.
Once I decided to go for my Ph.D. I knew I couldn't spend the next 5 years living 3000 miles away in a different time zone from my family again. Doing it in Hawaii for almost 4 years was long enough for me.
I opted instead to only apply to schools on the west coast for Ph.D. programs.
I was accepted to only one program, in California. The state I used to swear up and down I'd never live in.
Here I am 2 and a half years later, a California inhabitant.
It's never felt right here. Despite the fact that there are so many similarities here to my original home and my home for the previous 4 years, something here just doesn't fit me.
 I can't help but wonder if it's that New York pull.
I know now that whatever that force is I've been feeling from New York will likely never amount to anything more than a week or 2 vacation. I'm tied to California for another year and a half at least, and after that it's 1 year in who knows where (wherever will have me for internship) and then by all the power in me, I will make it back home...to finally make a home.
I'm not foolish enough to think I could actually get my internship there. Like I said before, it's a pretty popular city to dream about, which makes jobs/internships/housing/living there ridiculously competitive.
What is it about New York? Why do I feel like I was meant to be there? It's not a permanent feeling. I don't feel like I should live my life there, because I know my heart is and always will be with my family so unless they're all (and I mean all, cousins, aunts, and uncles too) packing up and heading east, my home will be built with them in the west.
I don't particularly enjoy living in small spaces, being around a ton of people, paying more than Ross prices for things... so what's the allure? Obviously there is more to New York than those things, but those things impact daily living...on a daily basis.
I'm hoping to look back on this whole things 30 years from now and go "Aha! now I get it, now I know why" but until then I'm just left wondering.
I guess I can't say never about anything. I thought I'd never live anywhere outside my hometown. I never imagined I'd live in Hawaii and I swore I'd never live in California. 

Big news. Big changes.

So yesterday was the big Notification Day for practicum placement for our 3rd year of graduate school.
I had already been rejected from all but 1 site (or just not even given the time of day, no rejection, no contact whatsoever) so I knew there was only 1 possible phone call I would be getting, and even when I awoke yesterday,  I was still unsure of what my answer to the offer would be should I get one.
The way that notification day works (is awful, actually) is that beginning at 8:30am sites will be calling students to offer them a placement. As a student you must be available to take a phone call, because if you miss it, they do not call you back, they just go on to the next student in line and offer it to them. You also are only allowed to accept 1 offer, and if a site calls you that is lower on your list, you are able to put their offer "on hold" for 1 hour while you attempt to contact the site you really want to determine if they are going to make you an offer.
For people like me who only had one possible option that might call, it made the decision a little easier because I did not have to weigh my options between sites, I just had to decide if  I would take the offer from the one site, if given, or if I would opt out and take my chances at clearing house.
Clearing House... now that is a whole other story. Clearing House is basically when, after all the sites make their offers, those who still have openings, students who did not get offers or did not choose to take an offer get to look at the available sites and reapply all over again. It's like round 2 of a grueling process.
So my dilemma was that I had only 1 shot at 1 possible offer at a site that, while I did apply to it, it was one of my last choices. It was not working with a population that I wanted to work with, it had a number of reasons why I felt it wasn't a good fit for me, but there were also some things that I did like about it.
The night before I attempted to write out a "Pros and Cons" list to try and determine what choice I should make. I went back and forth about different things in my mind but in the end went to bed unsure of the decision.
The was a big decision to make because I would be committing myself for 1 year to a program, my future choices will be impacted by this decision as it determines the type of population I'll be working with, the amount of hours, etc. It also has an impact on a whole other area of my life completely unrelated to my career. My boyfriend will be moving down here this summer. The location of my practicum site would determine the location in which we would reside. I applied to a number of places spread out across the Bay Area and was left with one possibility of a site in Oakland, or taking a gamble on clearing house and ending up either much closer or much further away that I am now.

Yesterday morning I awoke at 8am, I wanted to make sure I had coffee in my system before possibly having to make any life altering decisions. As I sat there trying to inhale the caffeine, I still was unsure of whether or not my phone would ring, and if it did, what I would say.
I decided to pass the time on Facebook and checking my email while I waited. That was a horrible, terrible mistake. I watched the clock pass minute by minute, as soon as 8:30am struck people were posting on Facebook about "feelings of relief", "getting my #1 choice!" and "getting a placement", meanwhile I sat there, still half asleep, sweating with worry and staring at my silent phone. I found myself begging it to ring, so as to avoid feeling like a complete failure, all the while afraid for it to make a sound because that would mean I would actually have to make a decision and it wouldn't just be the universe deciding for me and forcing me into clearing house because I did not get any offers. I couldn't decide what was worse.
As the minutes dragged on, more and more people were congratulating one another, professing their excitement and relief, meanwhile people like me sat there staring at silence.
It felt like eternity, when in actuality, it was 9:01am when my phone rang with a "private number" calling. I saw the words, I heard the sound and still I thought "what are you going to say?" I didn't have time to read over my pros and cons list again to try and come to a conclusion quickly because if I missed this call, I'd miss any possibility.
I answered, it was the 1 site I still had a shot with calling to offer my a placement. Without hesitation, I accepted.
Immediately after I felt nauseous and regretted the decision.Stuck on the fact that other people were getting placed at their first choices, while I was stuck accepting an offer with my 7th (out of 8) choice.
I think I'm much too hard on myself though. Graduate school is all about rejection, disappointment, and fighting a losing battle to keep your head above water.
This is just yet another test of "how bad do you want it" and I've just got to pay my dues and prove I deserve a shot at it.
So with this practicum placement, comes the other big news: I'll be moving to Oakland.
I've lived in Mountain View now for almost 2 years, which has been nice, pretty dull and plain place to live but it has done the job for what I've needed it to be for me during these first years of graduate school.
Now though, with my boyfriend moving down here and us starting our life out together, it's time to move on from the security of Mountain View, and branch out to an adventure in Oakland. I actually have a pretty good feeling about this. Although the majority of my friends from school will be staying in this area and I won't see them as much, I'll have my boyfriend, and a place to actually call home and I think that might just be even better.