Friday, July 29, 2011

Where is the PAUSE button?

I feel like with the life I've chosen, that being graduate school, having a job, and attempting to have a social life I'm in this constant state of rushing and going full speed and using full capacity of my brain at all times.
So when I actually get a moment, or an afternoon where I have already worked in the morning, gone into the clinic and done a couple hours of paper work all the while dreaming of the moment I can get home and relax...only to get there, and be too restless to sit still but far too exhausted to do anything else.

I keep telling myself to "enjoy this time" of zoning out to a movie or catching up on episodes of my favorite shows online because if I can barely find the time to do it now, once school starts back up again and I add a full course load to my clinic practicum and working it is goodbye personal time completely.
But I'm just so used to going-going-going that when I get a chance to pause, I start running in circles instead of just slowing down, or halting motion momentarily.
Yesterday I was so close to a break down, felt like everything was piling up so high I'd crumble, and then almost like magically it all just either disappeared or faded to a level that felt manageable.
I'm not complaining, i rather enjoy the slightly lighter load, I just wish the universe didn't have to dump a million tons in my lap only to take off half a million in order for the extra work to feel like a relief.
The good news is, I have a fairly stress-free weekend ahead of me that I can hopefully slow down long enough to actually enjoy. One of my closest friends is in town from Hawaii and she is staying with me for about a week starting Sunday. I'm really hoping that my clinic/work load is light enough that I can spend some quality time with her. It's been a year since I've seen her and even longer since I've seen her sans her boyfriend. I am really looking forward to some personal, quality time with my Boo.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Searching for balance

Feeling incredibly pessimistic at the moment.
I have been running for almost 2 and 1/2 months now, and I still hate it. I'm losing patience and hope that it will ever be something I'm good at, but as punishment for that, I want to continue it.
I've now been seeing clients for 3 weeks now. I've had some major ups and downs with that and I'm at a point now where I am supposed to be developing a treatment plan for what work we're going to be doing and I am feeling completely lost and overwhelmed.
After a year of grad school I realize now that the majority of what we're doing, is just being thrown into the ocean, and told to figure out how to stay afloat. I know I'm not an idiot, I've got common sense about a lot of things and I can do alright for myself in a lot of situations, but constantly floundering in a sea of unknown is sometimes just too much for me to handle.
I can't remember the last time I felt really intelligent. I'm in a constant state of self-doubt and that really does a number on a person's self esteem.
I feel like most people can't relate, so they just avoid the topic, and those who can relate, just seem to have such a better handle of everything that I'm ashamed about how difficult it is for me.
I'm finding it really hard to muster up the motivation for anything right now.
I am making a trip home next week, for a couple of days. While that is a source of pleasure, it is also another added stressor since I am having to juggle work, practicum, and life and squeeze it all into the beginning of the week in order to be able to take the time off to go up there.
I feel like I'm trying to please so many people and do so many things, that I'm not able to actually do anything well. Instead of succeeding in a few areas, I feel like I'm failing in a number of them.
I'm in search of the balance. Grad school makes that balance impossible.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Freedom Day and Running too

Yesterday was the 4th of July.

My first one in California. It went alright. A BBQ at my friend's place, a little pool time, then to see some fireworks at night at Shoreline Park. It was nothing like the ones at Forth Vancouver back home, but it was free, and we were real close so it made for a good show. It is crazy that I spent the holiday with a group of people that a year ago I didn't even know existed. It is interesting how life works. I guess that is to be expected when you move somewhere that you don't know anyone. It is just strange that none of us knew each other a year ago, and now we're all spending our holidays, birthdays, and celebrating special events with these people. It is kind of a surrogate family unit, a deranged family unit, but a unit nonetheless.

After much avoidance and set backs I've started my second training program for running. I was reluctant to start it because it seemed so daunting so I just kept repeating weeks from the previous program. So I've kept up my running, for 2 months now.  And yesterday I began my 8 week 5k training schedule.
It is set up similar to the previous program I did with the run/walk intervals.
The first few weeks of it are as follows:
Week 1:
Day 1: 5/1 x 5
Day 2: 5/1 x 5
Day 3: 6/1 x 5
Day 4: 40-45 min cross-training
Week 2:
Day 1: 7/1 x 4
Day 2: 7/1 x 4
Day 3: 8/1 x 4
Day 4: 40-45 min cross-training
Week 3:
Day 1: 9/1 x 3
Day 2: 10/1 x 3
Day 3: 11/1 x 3
Day 4: 45 min cross-training

Today I have just completed day 2 of week 1. Yesterday's run felt alright but today, just killed me. I had side aches and breathing problems. It was rough. It's getting much warmer here in California, so I need to adjust the times of my runs and get it accomplished earlier so as to avoid the heat. It makes running so much more difficult for me (and probably for a lot of people).
2 months in...and I still hate running. I do like what it is doing for my body though. I can see more definition in my legs, and I'm getting my butt back which is awesome. I love that feature about me and with all the weight I lost it took away my best asset (yes, pun completely intended).
But I still hate how I feel before, during and after running. When is it supposed to get enjoyable?

Friday, July 1, 2011

Look Ma, no hands!

I had my first session with a client.
While I, of course, cannot go into detail about anything due to confidentiality and frankly, human decency to this person's privacy, I can say that I thought it went pretty well.
I was so incredibly nervous beforehand. So worried I'd blank, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, offend my client, look unprofessional, unprepared etc.
About 15 minutes into the session I had this realization of "Whoa, you're really doing this. This is actually happening, this person has real problems and you're sitting here across from them, doing what you've been preparing all this time for"
It was a pretty surreal moment for me. One I hope I never forget the feeling of. If I make it out of grad school, and eventually onto my own practice and am doing this multiple times a day, 5 days a week I know it will be so easy to forget this feeling. This empowering and yet completely humbling and  proud feeling. I never thought I'd ever be where I am today, especially with how close I was to dropping out after that first quarter. And now, here I am, one year in grad school completed and seeing clients as a student therapist.
I know not all days will feel like this, I will have difficult sessions and run into issues I'm not prepared for and I'll mess up and handle things incorrectly, but as for right now... I'm kind of a little proud of myself for making it this far. I have oh-so-long to go, but I've survived up until now.
I've officially seen my first client as a student therapist :) Whoa.