Saturday, July 16, 2011

Searching for balance

Feeling incredibly pessimistic at the moment.
I have been running for almost 2 and 1/2 months now, and I still hate it. I'm losing patience and hope that it will ever be something I'm good at, but as punishment for that, I want to continue it.
I've now been seeing clients for 3 weeks now. I've had some major ups and downs with that and I'm at a point now where I am supposed to be developing a treatment plan for what work we're going to be doing and I am feeling completely lost and overwhelmed.
After a year of grad school I realize now that the majority of what we're doing, is just being thrown into the ocean, and told to figure out how to stay afloat. I know I'm not an idiot, I've got common sense about a lot of things and I can do alright for myself in a lot of situations, but constantly floundering in a sea of unknown is sometimes just too much for me to handle.
I can't remember the last time I felt really intelligent. I'm in a constant state of self-doubt and that really does a number on a person's self esteem.
I feel like most people can't relate, so they just avoid the topic, and those who can relate, just seem to have such a better handle of everything that I'm ashamed about how difficult it is for me.
I'm finding it really hard to muster up the motivation for anything right now.
I am making a trip home next week, for a couple of days. While that is a source of pleasure, it is also another added stressor since I am having to juggle work, practicum, and life and squeeze it all into the beginning of the week in order to be able to take the time off to go up there.
I feel like I'm trying to please so many people and do so many things, that I'm not able to actually do anything well. Instead of succeeding in a few areas, I feel like I'm failing in a number of them.
I'm in search of the balance. Grad school makes that balance impossible.

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