I've been horrible lately about writing.
It's not that I don't have things I'd like to sit down and write about, and it's not totally about the time in which it takes, because I do have some down time in my crazy schedule. I'm not sure what it is.
Perhaps I should make an actual effort, carve out some time for it. I bet it would actually benefit my sanity a bit (isn't that part of the reason I began this in the first place?!)
So Sept. 19th I did something monumental.
I went to the doctor for problems I was having.
I cannot remember the last time I went to the doctor, let alone used the time effectively to address concerns I was having.
I'm turning into such a grown up.
My main concern was, in fact, my knee.
I haven't been able to run in almost a month and it's been killing me.
I've noticed a lot of changes that I'm not happy about. My weight is one, but also, just my overall well being. As much as I hate running, I've realized I hate NOT running, much more.
So I went to the doctor for the pain I've been experiencing since July (After the craft dash)
Turns out I have an IT band strain, or iliotibial band syndrome
It's apparently a common injury for runners. Ya hear that Ma'? I've got myself a real athletic injury!!
Never thought I'd see the day!
Any way, so I find this out and so I'm curious and nervous to hear what that means for me.
My doctor gave me some stretches to do 3 times a day for 3 weeks.
It was a print out that I actually also found online IT Band stretches and strengthening exercises
from Runningtimes.com.
The Doc said if in 3 weeks I'm not seeing improvement, that the next step will be physical therapy.
So, I'm about a week and a half in and...... I'm in more pain!
I'm not sure if that is part of the process or not.
I was thinking it could be, because I'm stretching out a strain, so maybe it gets worse before it gets better? The doctor didn't explain that to me.
She told me after about a week of the stretches that I could try running and see how it feels. Obviously I am to run less than I normally would, she said about half my usual run.
I haven't tried it yet, because of the whole pain actually worse now thing.
The next step is to actually get out there and do it.
This next step, quite naturally, makes me a bit nervous.
I guess I'll never know, until I try.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Friday, August 31, 2012
Office Dress Code: and other lies they tell you
Two weeks of training completed.
Tuesday I'll see my first clients at a practicum site completely unrelated to my school.
It's not as though the client's I saw through my school's clinic were not real.
They were people, with real, chronic, serious issues.
The practicum itself, however, was not so real.
It had ridiculous expectations, limitations, rules and requirements that I am quickly finding out...have nothing to do with how things work in actual organizations.
What I will say, is that my school clinic over-prepared me...which I suppose is much better than the reverse of that.
It over-prepared my ideas about therapy sessions, dress code requirements, procedures, paperwork, etc.
The dress code alone is one of the things I find the most comical. at my school clinic there were so many restrictions, fabric and length requirements and overall appearance rules...and then I get to my new site, where people are wearing denim and sneakers and I'm damn near in a pants suit.
I am quite surprised how at ease I actually feel about this new practicum of mine.
There are quite a number of reasons it should scare me and I should be incredibly worried:
Mostly I am just excited to be getting more experience and to get into the swing of things. I know there are elements such as paper work and assessments that will need to be done that will be tedious and overwhelming, but for now I'm more or less looking forward to it.
My school's clinic felt like there was so many limitations it was hard to actually accomplish much.
This new site, from what I can tell so far, is much more open and flexible in terms of giving me the reins and allowing me to make treatment decisions.
I suppose had I not gone through everything I did with my school clinic, I would not be so ready and willing to make all those decisions that have now been placed on my lap though.
It just feels good to be taking the next step.
It feels like I'm actually out in the real world, working toward something bigger than myself and my school.
I'm actually curious to see how I react to this experience of working at a methadone clinic.
I'm sure there are going to be many stressful times ahead, but I'm looking forward to seeing how it impacts me, in what ways I end up growing as a clinician and as a person in general.
Although, I haven't seen a client there yet, so this could all go out the window once that occurs and I realize what I'm actually in for!
For now, I will just remain optimistic about this experience and use it as an opportunity to learn and grow in any way that it may allow me to.
Tuesday I'll see my first clients at a practicum site completely unrelated to my school.
It's not as though the client's I saw through my school's clinic were not real.
They were people, with real, chronic, serious issues.
The practicum itself, however, was not so real.
It had ridiculous expectations, limitations, rules and requirements that I am quickly finding out...have nothing to do with how things work in actual organizations.
What I will say, is that my school clinic over-prepared me...which I suppose is much better than the reverse of that.
It over-prepared my ideas about therapy sessions, dress code requirements, procedures, paperwork, etc.
The dress code alone is one of the things I find the most comical. at my school clinic there were so many restrictions, fabric and length requirements and overall appearance rules...and then I get to my new site, where people are wearing denim and sneakers and I'm damn near in a pants suit.
I am quite surprised how at ease I actually feel about this new practicum of mine.
There are quite a number of reasons it should scare me and I should be incredibly worried:
- It is working with substance abuse issues
- It is at a methadone clinic
- There is an element of mandated treatment (which gives you quite a bit of resistance from clients)
- I'm going from my prior caseload of 2 clients to (currently) 6 but that number will be 10-15 within the next month.
Mostly I am just excited to be getting more experience and to get into the swing of things. I know there are elements such as paper work and assessments that will need to be done that will be tedious and overwhelming, but for now I'm more or less looking forward to it.
My school's clinic felt like there was so many limitations it was hard to actually accomplish much.
This new site, from what I can tell so far, is much more open and flexible in terms of giving me the reins and allowing me to make treatment decisions.
I suppose had I not gone through everything I did with my school clinic, I would not be so ready and willing to make all those decisions that have now been placed on my lap though.
It just feels good to be taking the next step.
It feels like I'm actually out in the real world, working toward something bigger than myself and my school.
I'm actually curious to see how I react to this experience of working at a methadone clinic.
I'm sure there are going to be many stressful times ahead, but I'm looking forward to seeing how it impacts me, in what ways I end up growing as a clinician and as a person in general.
Although, I haven't seen a client there yet, so this could all go out the window once that occurs and I realize what I'm actually in for!
For now, I will just remain optimistic about this experience and use it as an opportunity to learn and grow in any way that it may allow me to.
Monday, August 6, 2012
When to nurse it and when to push it?
Wow, how life can just take over and leave no room for anything enjoyable...like writing.
Over a month with no post, despite having much to say.. I suppose that is how it always goes. If you've actually got something to say, it's probably because you're out experiencing life and not sitting in front of your computer, waiting for an idea to strike.
On July 14th, 2012 I participated in my first race.
Ok, so that isn't entirely true. I volunteered for a race, and was the last leg of the run to ensure no runner was left behind.
Did I mention yet that this race involved numerous stops where a beer is had before going on to the next?
So it isn't the most prestigious race in the running world, but it sure was fun!
It was the 4th annual Craft Dash in North Portland. My boyfriend was also volunteering and that is how I got to know about it. It was 6K, although with all the stopping it wasn't exactly a full on race.
I did, however, manage to injure my knee AGAIN!
Today was actually my first run since that day.
The day after the Craft Dash my boyfriend and I had to pack up a 16' Penske truck with all his belongings and drive 12 hours down to the bay area.
The days following were packing and unpacking, lots of heavy lifting and stairs too.
Needless to say, my injured knee went from bad to worse.
I've started up with my knee exercises again, which I never should have stopped but it's so easy to forget to do them when my knee isn't in agony.
I also took it easy for awhile and just started going for walks in the last week to see how it's doing.
I went running today, despite knowing it wasn't my brightest of ideas but being driven by feeling lethargic and well, chubby.
I barely got half way into my run and knew it was a horrible choice, and then made an even worse choice: to continue.
That's the thing about an injury. How do you know when to nurse it, and when to push it?
Today, I definitely should have nursed it but of course I pushed it.
I'm not a very patient person, and injuries require a LOT of patience. Hopefully I haven't set myself back too far and can go again before too long. Perhaps for now, despite my resentment toward it..I'll nurse my knee a bit more and stick to walking.
Over a month with no post, despite having much to say.. I suppose that is how it always goes. If you've actually got something to say, it's probably because you're out experiencing life and not sitting in front of your computer, waiting for an idea to strike.
On July 14th, 2012 I participated in my first race.
Ok, so that isn't entirely true. I volunteered for a race, and was the last leg of the run to ensure no runner was left behind.
Did I mention yet that this race involved numerous stops where a beer is had before going on to the next?
So it isn't the most prestigious race in the running world, but it sure was fun!
It was the 4th annual Craft Dash in North Portland. My boyfriend was also volunteering and that is how I got to know about it. It was 6K, although with all the stopping it wasn't exactly a full on race.
I did, however, manage to injure my knee AGAIN!
Today was actually my first run since that day.
The day after the Craft Dash my boyfriend and I had to pack up a 16' Penske truck with all his belongings and drive 12 hours down to the bay area.
Needless to say, my injured knee went from bad to worse.
I've started up with my knee exercises again, which I never should have stopped but it's so easy to forget to do them when my knee isn't in agony.
I also took it easy for awhile and just started going for walks in the last week to see how it's doing.
I went running today, despite knowing it wasn't my brightest of ideas but being driven by feeling lethargic and well, chubby.
I barely got half way into my run and knew it was a horrible choice, and then made an even worse choice: to continue.
That's the thing about an injury. How do you know when to nurse it, and when to push it?
Today, I definitely should have nursed it but of course I pushed it.
I'm not a very patient person, and injuries require a LOT of patience. Hopefully I haven't set myself back too far and can go again before too long. Perhaps for now, despite my resentment toward it..I'll nurse my knee a bit more and stick to walking.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Guys in their 20's
Guys in their 20's are all just little lost souls.
Well, that is perhaps putting it much too harshly, but not entirely.
I'm at the age where my mid twenties are gone and my early 20's are barely recognizable and it has me contemplating things more and more.
I'm making very general statements, based off my interactions throughout the years with males in their 20's. I'm talking boyfriends, friends, relatives, etc. All of them are included in this.
Our 20's are a time of growth and exploration. This decade is spent learning how to be an adult, what it means to be a man or and woman, what kind of person we want to be, and the direction we want to go.
Our 20's are a time where we just begin to discover who we are, what our values are, and where our morals stand.
In legal terms, the day you turn 18 is the day you are an adult.
The day you turn 20 you're officially no longer a teenager, and the day you turn 21...you have arrived!
Only to realize that your adult life has barely even began. (although, not all actually realize this, but it is true).
I'm not saying women are not a little lost in their 20's as well, but I think the process begins a bit sooner for them so by the time they are in their 20's, while there is still much exploration and contemplation, I think it's just....different. I've discussed it somewhat before and I'm sure I will explore it more as I continue on my journey, but now I'm just completely off topic.
Males in their 20's. For some reason, and it never fails, they all go through a process of mourning the loss of their boyhood friends. Not an actual loss, but more so a symbolic loss. There is a time, usually in their early 20's where their friends start to have serious girlfriends and stop partying/drinking/partaking in the silly debauchery as often as they once did. Initially, the first to stray from the herd is ostracized. The other guys all harp on him for being "whipped" and letting a girl "control him". Then one by one they start to find partners and pair off and realize their friend with the girlfriend wasn't being an asshole, he was being in love and there is actually a difference. Some of them take much, much longer to realize this than others, some get it right away. There is a mourning process though, that they go through when they realize "it's never going to be the same as it used to be".
During their 20's, guys are attempting to figure out who they are as a man, and no longer a boy. This is a hard process because there is a struggle between their urge to explore and experience and their feelings of necessity to be a family man, a father, a husband. This inner struggle is different for all of them, some have much larger urges pulling them one way or the other, making the decisions they face a bit easier, but they all experience it. In your 20's, you see around you half of the people you know exploring other countries, vacationing, experiencing, enjoying the outside world. Then there is the other half that are getting married, starting businesses, buying homes, building a life on the inside.
So this inner struggle, become materialized on the outside where there is living proof surrounding them that there are other paths to take. Guys in their 20's are still trying to decide who they are, which determines the paths taken. There is pressure to choose a path from the surrounding examples mixed with the internal questions and urges leaving guys in their 20's at a standstill. This leads to a lot of disappointment, confusion and heartbreak for those around them.
This happens because that guy in his 20's makes promises and commitments (in relationships, friendships, career, family) based on what only a portion of him is sure he wants. Meanwhile, the other part of him is making choices that clash with the initial decisions leaving him and those around him confused and unsure.
I haven't made it to my 30's just yet or had much interactions with males in that age bracket, so I'm not sure what happens after their 20's. What I do know, is that there is no male in his 20's who has it all figured out. As I said before, their 20's is a time for exploration of who they are and will become and what kind of man they will be. Although, being on the sidelines watching it all unfold (whether it is your boyfriend, friend, brother, son, etc) can be a little heartbreaking.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Running: 1 year and 2 months in: The newest goal: 100 miles for 2012
I've now been running for over a year. My first post was on May 3rd, 2011 where I had spoke about starting up my running on May 1st, 2011.
It is now June 22nd, 2012.
It has been a long, grueling, horrid process to become a runner.
I thought since it's been awhile, I'd track my latest progress from my Running App on my phone:
Stats: 6/22/12
Stats: 10/10/11
Also, I came up with this ridiculous idea with the help of my best friend, DCal, that I would set a goal last month of running 100 miles in the year 2012. It was May and I was almost to 40 miles of running since January and DCal said "I bet you could double that and do 80 by the end of the year" and of course, my idiotic brain said "I bet I could do 100!!" and so there it began, this idea that I would complete 100 miles in 2012.
The month of May due to sickness and vacations, I completed a lousy 3.87 miles. That alone was a sure fire way to lose my bet with myself.
Then comes June. I credit this to a combination of Finals+comp exams, the stress of having to find a new place to live, the increase in celebratory drinks & food because of birthdays and the school year ending and to my wonderful pal Scotty who had the nerve to (drunkenly) tell me that I had a belly...but it's June 22nd and I've already ran 19 miles this month!
I'm just a few miles shy of 60 miles and it's not even July.
Now, I'm sure that once classes and practicum start back up, I won't have as much time to run and will probably barely make my goal of 100 miles for 2012..but at the rate I'm currently going, I'll have that goal met before the years end no problem.
I'm hoping to keep up my motivation and continue with what I'm doing but only time will tell.
As for now, I'll just go ahead and be proud of myself.
It is now June 22nd, 2012.
It has been a long, grueling, horrid process to become a runner.
I thought since it's been awhile, I'd track my latest progress from my Running App on my phone:
Stats: 6/22/12
- Time: 19:30 min
- Distance: 1.71 miles
- Average pace: 11:24min/mile
- Average Speed: 5.26mph
Stats: 10/10/11
- Time: 20 min
- Distance: 1.5 miles
- Average pace: 13:40min/mile
- Average Speed: 4.38mph
Also, I came up with this ridiculous idea with the help of my best friend, DCal, that I would set a goal last month of running 100 miles in the year 2012. It was May and I was almost to 40 miles of running since January and DCal said "I bet you could double that and do 80 by the end of the year" and of course, my idiotic brain said "I bet I could do 100!!" and so there it began, this idea that I would complete 100 miles in 2012.
The month of May due to sickness and vacations, I completed a lousy 3.87 miles. That alone was a sure fire way to lose my bet with myself.
Then comes June. I credit this to a combination of Finals+comp exams, the stress of having to find a new place to live, the increase in celebratory drinks & food because of birthdays and the school year ending and to my wonderful pal Scotty who had the nerve to (drunkenly) tell me that I had a belly...but it's June 22nd and I've already ran 19 miles this month!
I'm just a few miles shy of 60 miles and it's not even July.
Now, I'm sure that once classes and practicum start back up, I won't have as much time to run and will probably barely make my goal of 100 miles for 2012..but at the rate I'm currently going, I'll have that goal met before the years end no problem.
I'm hoping to keep up my motivation and continue with what I'm doing but only time will tell.
As for now, I'll just go ahead and be proud of myself.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Birthdays
Last Tuesday was my birthday.
We went out the weekend before to celebrate. One of my closest friends, Rob, was in town visiting his sister so we were able to go out for my birthday and he even came and met up with all of my grad school friends, which was nice to have a little piece of home with me.
The weekend celebration with school friends was slightly awkward. It was a joint birthday with a guy from my program, but a lot of people who went did not realize this and thought it was only for him, so that was embarrassing for me when it came to toasts and splitting up the check, I was left out of that.
My actual birthday consisted of a morning run, an afternoon meeting with a professor, a 45 minute phone call with Comcast that involved 6 transfers, tears and verbal obscenities. I watched some TV in sweats for the remainder of the afternoon. I did, however, receive some lovely gifts in the mail that day:
In the evening, I was taken out to dinner by some lovely ladies. The server even brought me a piece of cake with a candle it in, which was nice. I also was given a few gifts there.
All in all, it was a vast improvement from my awful birthday last year. I still cried on my birthday, but at least it wasn't from feeling alone and completely forgotten on my birthday. It was because the people at Comcast were being assholes. Completely different story.
I wish I could have been with my family. Birthday's just are not the same without them. Phone calls and cards in the mail are nice, but nothing beats family hugs and quality time.
Turning 28 did not have the same tough blow that turning 27 did. 27 meant the official end of my "mid-twenties". 27 means the entrance into your "late-twenties" and I think I definitely felt that last year. Turning 28, I'm still in my late-twenties and therefore there was no major transition. I can't really even grasp the whole 28 thing anyway I don't think at this point.
I wonder if birthdays will ever feel real? I'm guessing not if they haven't up to this point. What is a birthday anyway? Sometimes it just feels like a reminder that time is continuing on, and you're not where you thought you'd be/want to be/feel you should be and you haven't done what you set out to or lived enough or experienced enough.
That is an entirely too pessimistic attitude for it, I know. I should be looking at it as a celebration for everything I was able to accomplish, be it big, small or otherwise. To say anyone hasn't done enough in one year is discrediting everything that has been done.
This time last year:
I had just starting out running
I was about to finish my 1st year of grad school
I had been in a long distance relationship for only a few months
I was coming out of a horrible, dark place in life
I had never conducted therapy or seen a client
I was unemployed
And here I am, 1 year later:
I've been running for a year (still sucking at it, but still running nevertheless)
I'm about to finish up my 2nd year of grad school
I have been in a long distance relationship for over a year and he is moving down here this summer and we took a vacation to another country together!
I'm seeing the light, I have goals and the future looks more hopeful than it did one year ago.
I have finished up my first practicum and preparing to start my second one and have now conducted therapy and seen clients
I have held a job for a year now.
So although things didn't pan out the way I'd hoped in some areas, and I'd wished things had gone differently or that I'd done more... I cannot discredit that which I have been able to accomplish.
We went out the weekend before to celebrate. One of my closest friends, Rob, was in town visiting his sister so we were able to go out for my birthday and he even came and met up with all of my grad school friends, which was nice to have a little piece of home with me.
The weekend celebration with school friends was slightly awkward. It was a joint birthday with a guy from my program, but a lot of people who went did not realize this and thought it was only for him, so that was embarrassing for me when it came to toasts and splitting up the check, I was left out of that.
My actual birthday consisted of a morning run, an afternoon meeting with a professor, a 45 minute phone call with Comcast that involved 6 transfers, tears and verbal obscenities. I watched some TV in sweats for the remainder of the afternoon. I did, however, receive some lovely gifts in the mail that day:
I wish I could have been with my family. Birthday's just are not the same without them. Phone calls and cards in the mail are nice, but nothing beats family hugs and quality time.
Turning 28 did not have the same tough blow that turning 27 did. 27 meant the official end of my "mid-twenties". 27 means the entrance into your "late-twenties" and I think I definitely felt that last year. Turning 28, I'm still in my late-twenties and therefore there was no major transition. I can't really even grasp the whole 28 thing anyway I don't think at this point.
I wonder if birthdays will ever feel real? I'm guessing not if they haven't up to this point. What is a birthday anyway? Sometimes it just feels like a reminder that time is continuing on, and you're not where you thought you'd be/want to be/feel you should be and you haven't done what you set out to or lived enough or experienced enough.
That is an entirely too pessimistic attitude for it, I know. I should be looking at it as a celebration for everything I was able to accomplish, be it big, small or otherwise. To say anyone hasn't done enough in one year is discrediting everything that has been done.
This time last year:
I had just starting out running
I was about to finish my 1st year of grad school
I had been in a long distance relationship for only a few months
I was coming out of a horrible, dark place in life
I had never conducted therapy or seen a client
I was unemployed
And here I am, 1 year later:
I've been running for a year (still sucking at it, but still running nevertheless)
I'm about to finish up my 2nd year of grad school
I have been in a long distance relationship for over a year and he is moving down here this summer and we took a vacation to another country together!
I'm seeing the light, I have goals and the future looks more hopeful than it did one year ago.
I have finished up my first practicum and preparing to start my second one and have now conducted therapy and seen clients
I have held a job for a year now.
So although things didn't pan out the way I'd hoped in some areas, and I'd wished things had gone differently or that I'd done more... I cannot discredit that which I have been able to accomplish.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Mexico Vacation
What I find interesting, is that the quarter during this year where I actually have some free time and I'm not ripping my hair out from constant stress, is the quarter I'm blogging considerably less.
Isn't that odd, how we do that? The busier we are, the more we're able to actually get done, where as when left with some idle time, less is accomplished.
I suppose I need this time because once next year hits, wowwie am I going to be in for a shocker.
In terms of practicum, the largest client load I've ever carried was 2 at one time.
My 3rd year placement supervisor told me in the interview I will have a client load of 10.
Holy hell. How on earth am I going to juggle 10 people's lives and problems, plus my own?
If I've learned anything in grad school, it's that they keep piling it on, and I keep finding a way to get it done, despite consistently feeling like I'm going to topple over and implode.
I just got back this weekend from a 5 day vacation in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
I didn't realize it initially but it was my first legitimate vacation sans parents or other people who know the area/language/place better than me.
It was also my first time out of the country where I was the "leader" in the sense that the reservations were in my name and also my boyfriend knows next to no Spanish and was relying on me for that part of it.
It was a little overwhelming, but overall it was a lovely trip.
This was also our first vacation together that did not include one of us visiting the other.
Now back to working at the coffee shop, classes, research group and planning for the move. I feel rejuvenated and motivated now though, which is a nice feeling :)
Isn't that odd, how we do that? The busier we are, the more we're able to actually get done, where as when left with some idle time, less is accomplished.
I suppose I need this time because once next year hits, wowwie am I going to be in for a shocker.
In terms of practicum, the largest client load I've ever carried was 2 at one time.
My 3rd year placement supervisor told me in the interview I will have a client load of 10.
Holy hell. How on earth am I going to juggle 10 people's lives and problems, plus my own?
If I've learned anything in grad school, it's that they keep piling it on, and I keep finding a way to get it done, despite consistently feeling like I'm going to topple over and implode.
I just got back this weekend from a 5 day vacation in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
It was also my first time out of the country where I was the "leader" in the sense that the reservations were in my name and also my boyfriend knows next to no Spanish and was relying on me for that part of it.
It was a little overwhelming, but overall it was a lovely trip.
This was also our first vacation together that did not include one of us visiting the other.
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